Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

well I am wide awake and cant asleep despite the large amount of vodka I have consumed.
I didnt reply to him and he didnt kill himslf. He called me today as he was due to see the dc. He said he was wasnt threatening suicide he was just telling me his feelings.He said he had expected some support ???

Anyway, I avent felt good today so I left him playing with the dc while i dozed on the bed. Youngest dd got upset and asked him when he was coming home which was just horrible. Thats the closest I come to asking him home. I keep thinking if its what they want then I should do it? Oldest dd is fine with it ( i think ) but my youngest isnt. Ironic really when you consider that he couldn even be bothered to come to her birth and has questioned her parentage a few times as she is dark and we are all fair !!!!!
Before he left he asked what was happening. Said again that he is going to go " away for good ". So we ended up rowing once the dc were in bed. He broke down, said he was sorry for fucking every thing up and that he knew he had ruined my life. Apologised over and over and kept saying he was going to miss me so much and that no one will ever love me that much etc etc. Kept saying " please be happy ftba , you nust start a new life and be happy" oh god it was soooooooo draining. I did get upset but mainly through anger. I fianlly told him that I am so fucking angry with him !!!!!!!!!!! That actually I am pissed off that he behaved how he did and how he just ruined our family !! I told him that although I love him, i dont think I can ever love him enough to be with him again.
Oh my god I cant believe I said it. I cant believe I didnt phone him and call him back after he stormed out. I am terrified. But I said it. And things are clearer in my head. I do love him, but im SO BLOODY ANGRY !!!!!!! How dare he act like a teenager and expect me to carry the whole family like I have done for 8 bloody years !!!!! I havent been out socialising for 10 years as he doesnt like me going out. I WANT MY LIFE BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont even kno if this is the right thing to do, but bloody hell ive done it.
I will probably throw up in fear in the morning.

I don't think you will, FTBA.

I'm very glad you wrote that because, when you feel 'got at' in future, you'll be able to look back here and see just how angry you are.

You're right to be angry, you know.
Well done.

He is a First Class manipulator FTBA. When you get up in the morning, make yourself a lovely coffee and maybe bacon and eggs if you have them. Or just fry an egg and have it with hot buttered toast.

It is a long road but when you run along it, it is not so difficult to get to the end, climb over the fence and see the sun in her full party dress.

Anger is fine. He is an utter knob. Many of us on here have heard all the self-pitying/threatening bollocks he is spouting...it is knobsville with knobby bells on. If you love someone or even just like them very much, you don't be so shitty, childish, nasty and manipulative.

You could call his bluff (if he is telling the truth you would be doing nothing wrong)and say you are very concerned about his state of mind so have called the Crisis team at yr local hospital....and could he please have a glass of water and stay by the phone until they arrive. In twenty mins..

FTBA, if you had a friend who treated you the way he has treated you, you'd drop that person and get them out of your life, and this so-called man was supposed to be your partner for life, better than any friend....

Anger is a powerful and very positive emotion. Don't be afraid of your own anger. Just look at how he changed his tune about the suicide thing you didn't rush in to save his sorry behind, and ...... he survived . Now he backtracks and completely denies the threat, it was just a way of saying something completely different. He expects you to believe this? Same evening he tells you how much he loves you, how sorry he is, how much he's messed up. He's given you a load of unbelievable, manipulative bs to mull over, mostly self pity, with a large dose of attempts to undermine your resolve 'no-one will ever love you as much as I do', blah blah. (Which actually shows you that what he sees as "love" is a far cry from what real love is.) It's all so warped and self-centered, FTBA.

So glad you didn't phone him after he stormed out (presumably he is having a hard time dealing with the new you and responds by making childish gestures of pique like storming out), and so glad you told him the way things are. He needed to know this. What he does now is completely up to him -- it's horrible to not know what might be coming next, but hang tough. You owe him nothing, no further acts of consideration, no explanations or long-drawn out discussions of anything. You don't even owe him a reply to any texts he sends.

FTBA. You are so brave. Well done! Stick to your guns. Would you do that to someone you love? Would you behave like that to your kids? Or even to one of us?

That perspective shows the madness that this behaviour is.

It's hard to change what you've been doing for a long time, but you want YOUR life back!

I look at photo's of myself before this relationship, and I have said those words, no screamed and wailed those words so many times. I keep a photo on the shelf in my office of me onstage with my band grinning from ear to ear, in a dress that's too short, with far too much make up on. That's ME!

Have you got a similar piccy you could remind yourself with?

I also look at all the photo's and vidoes of our years together. It has ALWAYS been wrong.

I read 3/4 of Patricia Evans new book yesterday, which explains the how's and why's of this situation. It made me feel so sorry for h, but there ain't nothing I can do about him. Only me. Yougo and get YOUR life back.

Every time you find yourself thinkikng about him, look in a mirror and think about YOU instead. It feels really weird doesn't it.

We need to practice pouring all that love into something worthwhile.....US!

Stay firm FTBA, I can imagine how draining it's all been. I have largely forgotten now how those conversations that went nowhere used to leave me feeling exhausted... when you're free you won't have to have those any more.

I agree with mathanxiety. If a friend treated you like that,you'd figure out that they hated you!! he has prevented you from having a life for 8 years, and yet he expects you to support him when he's upset that you won't let him treat you like a bold dog. who supports you?

Your life is out there. It's close now.

oh its so tiring. He text me at 5am to say he was having a panic attack and again at 7am to say he was coming round today to clear all his stuff out so I never need to see him again.

I didnt reply and went to sainsburys with the girls after a lazy breakfas.

He phoned me while I was on the bus on the way home. He is coming round in 30 mins to get his things and say goodbye to the kids " I am so cross ! I tld him in no uncertain terms to leave them alone. I will explain to them more in the week. Last time when he left he was bawling his eyes out in front of them , hugging them and saying Im gonna miss us you so much, im so sorry, daddys messed up, im never coming back here again etc ! I was so cross and they were bloody confused ! It took me a good while to stop them feeling strange about dad. He has never shouted at them or been aggressive and we dont row in front of them so all that dramatic outburst did was confuse them ! they are only 5 and 6 !
Anyway, I have just phoned my mum and she is going to come and pick them up for the afternoon. Bloody hell this is ridiculous.

Well done for not texting back. It's hard. When he comes around will you be on your own? Could your Mum come over earlier? I'm sure he would rein in the 'daddy's messed up I'm a big mess' drama if there were an independent witness.... Good luck for later.

he has just taken the first load of stuff in his car. he will e back in 20 mins. I feel horrible. I cant breathe and it feels like this is the biggest mistake in the world. The dc have gone to mums. He was ok, hugged them, said he wold see them soon etc.
He is taking everything ! includng the new t.v and all the baby stuff in the loft ! He says he needs to sell the t.v and he wants the baby stuff as when he meets someone he will start a new family ! When i said I wanted the baby stuff, he said why ?? I thought your baby days were over ! Fine I will get a solicitor then to get it off you !

I have been upstairs crying on the bed and he then comes up and puts his hand on my leg and says he he is sorry and he wishes he could hug me and turn back time. I dont know hwere I am with him its so confusing ! ONe minute he is mr nice the next half my house is disapearing in the car !!

I never knew I could cry this much. Im not sure im strong enough. It would be so much easier to ask him to stay.

oh god.........

Ok I'm cross, why does he get to take everything when he has barely contributed to your life?

Please say, no, we need the TV since YOUR CHILDREN live here (and I bought it). And I am keeping the baby stuff just in case. Should your next girlfriend get pregnant before I do, I'll gladly give it to you then.

The baby thing is just SO childishly vindictive and manipulative.

What a manipulator. Starting another family indeed. I bet he thinks you'll beg him not to. You keep strong. This is the best thing you could have done, remember that. Remember all the things he's said and done. Remember that all the seemingly kind and apologetic things he's saying now are a fabrication to enable him to gain the upper hand. He's a wolf in sheeps clothing right now.

he bought the t.v with money his parents gave hm for xmas. Its a big blokey 40" HD LCD thing.

He is on his way back. Im soooo tired. I dont think I can do this,

Let him take the baby stuff FTB. That is so pathetic! Let him make his little point, and then in 2 weeks he'll have to figure out where to store the potty and the cot etc... I agree with junglist, he wants you to 'realise' that he can easilly start again and have a new family and you cant. That is the petty and rather nasty little message he's sending you.

When I left my x's we walked out with nothing, the clothes on our backs. There has been the odd thing that I have occasionally missed, fleetingly, but that's all.

So although I would miss the TV! let him take it, and don't get in to a wrangle over it. In the grander scheme of things, nothing that he could take will mean anything to you a year from now.

Well done btw. This is probably one of the hardest days of your life. I know the day I left my x goes down as one of my hardest. WOrth it though. No pain no gain. You're moving in the right direction here.

xx

ps, that is the sort of thing the children will remember. That when daddy left, he took the TV. When they're in their twenties and don't remember anything else, I bet they'll remember that! so he really is shooting himself in the foot with that petty little manoeuvre.

Let him take the telly and baby stuff FTBA...after all it's only stuff...he is the one that attached emotions to the items through his comments...he did this for one reason only......to hurt you!

It will only be easier to ask him to stay...for a split second...your peace of mind once past this will last a lot longer.

Keep going girl...you can do this....you will survive this day. xx

You can do this! Do you realise how strong you are, having put up with shit for all this time? Well this is the last of it. The taking of the TV is an effort to wear you down, to stab you in the back. Let him have it.

Guess I agree about just letting it all go. Hmph. It's just so galling.

But that's how they get people drawn back in and re-engaging with them I suppose.

I'm that his parents give 'him' enough money for a 40" TV for xmas. What did your DC get from them? I doubt the value was equivalent! What did you get? Perhaps his parents just might have thought you would all benefit from the gift they gave him.

Ok I'm not helping but still

When you get a replacement tv from argos or gumtree or somewhere, nobody will be able to waltz in and take it away. That will be priceless.

You can get portable dvd players quite cheaply in argos as well if you need something quickly for kids dvds.

Asking him to stay would only postpone the inevitable. You know you can't spend your life with this man. You have to grab back your life at SOME point, so hard as today is going to be (and tomorrow and next week too no doubt) well done for coming out of the fog and claiming your life back.

Hmmm, I'm inclined to say fight for the baby stuff. Tell him the TV is his, fine, but no way is he getting that baby stuff. Tell him he can buy new stuff for his 'new family' -- what a fantasist. Or tell him you'll send it on if and when the family materialises. Soon as he walks out with the TV slam the door and lock it. But do whatever you think is possible. I agree the baby stuff message is intended to blank his current family out completely, tell you that you are all history. So glad the DCs are out of the way for the afternoon. FTBA you can do this. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My ex woke DS up one night, standing there in his room crying and sobbing, and I don't think DS has ever really shaken that out of his head -- how could he? Anyone who would inflict a scene like that on his own child is self absorbed to a degree that boggles the mind.

All you need to do is speak, stand there, fold your arms, look determined, tell him he's off his rocker and goodbye. Do you have a neighbour who could stand there with you?

What an absolute fucking arse

It's stuff. Bugger it. It'll be a nuisance, but it shows how mean-minded he is! Look on Freecycle, it's heaving with TVs.

"nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
Means:
1] In my opinion, you are unloveable
2] But I love you, so there must be something wrong with me
3] Only a person as crap as me could love you, because you're crap too
4] So being loved by a crap person is the best you could hope for
5] So you'd better stick with me. Or else.

Yeah, very persuasive!

Just in case you aren't clear: Someone, who really does love you, finds you so adorable that they are sure everybody will love you as much as they do.

That's so true ItsGraceAgain. when you love somebody you think everybody else loves them and finds them funny and charming too.

You don't have to go through this time ever again.

Tomorrow this will be gone. A horrible memory. Cry, and keep crying till you can't cry any more. The pain will go away, it always does in the end. It doesn't ever have to feel like this does, ever again.

Have you seen your GP for support?....mine has been amazing. They know about this stuff these days. Get whatever you can for yourself. Happy mummy=happy babies.

We all know exactly how you are feeling, that desolation and fear, when the whole of your spirit has been dismantled.

BUT, the fact that you are here means that somewhere in the core of your being is something like a diamond, precious, beautiful and the hardest thing in the world. That is at the core of you.....hold on to that.

XH#2 gave me the "no-one will ever ..." line a few times. I hadn't really thought about what it means, until he projected: "You feel no-one could ever love me like you do, don't you?"
I looked at him and went "Eh?" Then I realised I'd never thought such a thing - and why!

At least XH#1 had the grace to say he'd never love anyone like he'd loved me. That turned out to be true, apparently - he continued to manipulate, put down & cheat on future partners but I'm the only one he beat up! What a privilege

Mmm I love you so much I can't control myself. My ex actually believes, on some level, that women enjoy being hurt. He said if I was to shut my mouth he wouldn't have to "switch" on me. I never did shut my mouth though. I always argued back. Therefore, I must enjoy the drama.

Do get the lock changed as well. It's a good way of establishing firm new boundaries.