How do you accept that you won't get an answer to all your questions when you split?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

It's so hard! H is still gone. We have minimal contact now and I am formal with him. I do occasionally ask him why he has thrown us all away so easily when he promised he would try to win us back (and I know I shouldn't), he just shrugs and looks sad.

I don't want to write the whole back story, so here's the short version:- H depressed for 3 years, took everything, gave nothing, became emotionally abusive, broke all his promises, broke my heart, I asked him to move out as it was hurting all of us too much. Things are easier now. Lonely, but safe.

But I want to know how he can be normal with everyone else and not with me.

I miss my best friend

And he's gone. And I want to know why he could choose to be the person he is.

He's been even worse since he moved out.

How do I move on from the "But why?"

I know time is the answer, and there is no other, but it's so unfair. My thoughts have revolved around his feelings for 3 years with no energy spare for my own. I'm beginning to think of me again. Bit by bit. But then I get caught back in the 'why?' and I feel drawn back in.

Give it some time......it will become clearer I guess.

much sympathy for you xxx

i think its time to think about something that you can get your teeth into. it needn't be constructive - just something to look forward to - an evening class or something?

I can give sympathy. I don't know if I will get answers if H doesn't decide he wants to try again. I don't see any point trying relate if he has no wish to make things work. It would be nice to know how to deal with that.

I miss my best friend too. He's still in the house, but that man isn't there any more. Its so sad

Have a huge virtual hug.

That's a good idea. Might look into a book club or something. I think I need more things that are mine rather than "ours".

I know time is the answer But I hate for there not to be a logical reason for it all.

It's awful, I totally understand that I will never get to understand WHY ex DP did/said/acted in certain ways that really hurt me. It's awful because I would really like to get closure, type thing.

But...I guess I have come to accept it...and it just takes time. Doesn't matter that it isn't fair etc, because I can't change things, but working on acceptance does help, but it takes time.
Hope this helps

Miaow, you too! It's horrible isn't it. Someone you've shared everything with...

teasle it's very sensible, but surely there must be a magic wand or maybe a magic relationship 8-Ball?!

Maybe I should invent one

Crunch - its horrible isn't it. You've shared, and they've held back

I am focusing on my DS and my impending other DC, and getting myself better for them (I always thought I was the damaged one but it turns out that my H had just hidden his damage deeper). I've only got another 3 months before I'm going to have no head space for anything but DS and the new baby, and knowing that I'm unlikely to get a decision or answers before then is hard.

that should have read "Yes, it is horrible". I'm not normally a parrot!

I have so much sympathy for you. But I have no answers.

I can relate, in part, to you. My father suffered depression for many years. It was heartbreaking and confusing to see him throw away the relationship he had with my mother. They went through so much together and had so many reason to be happy together, yet he destroyed it all. I don't think he understood why he was doing it himself.

Miaow it really is. We were in a similar place this time last year too and I was 7 months pregnant then. Somehow we stumbled on. Things even got better for a couple of months and then it was gone again

I feel like I've poured my heart out to him and got a "whatever" response. He hasn't responded to anything I've said to him in about 6 weeks (and that includes the time before I told him I had had enough).

Look after yourself Miaow. If your H is anything like mine he'll be holding on for the baby to be born (mine thought that would fix verything so he didn't have to bother ) - but I really hope he's not like my H.

Lost, sounds very similar. I agree that I don't think H knows why he's doing it either. He's pretty delusional now in a lot of ways, puts a lot of effort into minimising what's going on so he doesn't have to deal with it. He told MIL I had asked him to move out because I had toothache!

DS1 said to me the other day that things were better now H was gone. He loves his dad so much and they see him regularly. So that's pretty telling.

It's so easy for me to minimise it too and start to think, "Am I over-reacting? Was it that bad?", but it really was that bad. Not that he believes that anymore. All his promises have come to nought.

Crunch - he wanted to do that (wait for the baby), and was trying to lie to me and pretend that we were working on things, but he was doing an awful job and I pushed him until he admitted that he doesn't love me any more. He said that he didn't feel I was worth making the effort for

I asked him there and then for separate rooms, and it only took me a week to realise that I can't live like that, so on Sunday I asked him to move out. He says he's looking for a place now. Part of me hopes that the realities of life on his own will kick him into realising that the feelings aren't all gone - but realistically it is because I need to start coping with being alone before the baby comes. I don't want DS to think that Daddy has gone and he has to start spending time in a new house because there's a new baby around.

It must be so hard to still feel like that, but we can both do it, we can both cope.

I understand how difficult it is, been there done it

I think one day I just woke up and realised that if I didn't start focussing on what I had instead of what I had lost, I would lose myself as well - if that makes any sense.

I made a concious decision to move my thoughts away from the past and they are now set firmly in the present and future.

However many answers you get, however many times you dissect and analyse you will never fully understand. That is hard, but at the same time would knowing the answers/details/thought processes make the reality any easier. I personally don't think it would.

Best friends do not act in that way, I used to say my H was my BF, he wasn't.

Be strong, start closing the door on your yesterdays and open it on your tomorrows.

Miaow, we can When he goes you will be surprised by how much weight you were carrying around all day everyday (more than the baby's!). It gets lonely sometimes. But there is stability.

I'm so sorry your H said such a horrible thing to you I can guarantee you that he's wrong! You're being incredibly strong already and considering how to do all this in the best way for the DCs.

In many ways I wish H would just tell me he doesn't love me anymore. Instead I get promises to change and declarations of undying love and apologies. But then nothing real; he's late for the DCs, stood me up the one night I agreed to meet him , apologised by fecking text 24 hours later

All promises, nothing real

norks, you're right about best friends not acting that way. And I think that if I had all the answers to my current questions it would just open up a whole new batch of unanswered issues.

Do you mean planning things for the future or just a thought-shift?

crunch oh that's awful

I understand the feeling of waiting around for him, because my H has said he is scared that he will wake up in a few months and realise he's made a huge mistake, but that he can't feel it right now. He's started counselling about his own childhood and neither of us know where that is going to take him, but I can't sit here and pathetically keep hoping that he deigns to decide he wants me back (however much I really want to just beg him to come and give me a cuddle - one of the reasons I want him to move out is cos I know that one of these days I will just climb into bed with him ) I know I'll keep hoping for a long time, but at least this way I can't make things worse by pushing him or letting him think he can live with DS without having to have a relationship with me.

Miaow, it's the hope that is the hardest. I still hope he'll match his words to his actions. I still hope.

But it will fade.

I hope

It must, and I guess we can help it by moving on. We need to look at the positives!

For me that will mean starting to do things for myself - not relying on him (which will be hard at times because we grew up together - I was 18 when we met - and have learnt to be adults while relying on each other, so we're both going to have to learn to cope alone, and I think that will be good for us both, however things turn out. Of course being very pregnant and having a new baby are not the best times to have to learn this, but I won't have a choice but to cope, and I will have help from elsewhere.

Another good thing about this is that I am learning to trust my friends instead of relying solely on my H. They're really showing their true colours and I feel so grateful for them, when only a few months ago I didn't feel able to confide in them to that extent.

Just a thought shift, I stopped dwelling on things I couldn't change or influence. And for me that was H's Mood, attitude to the relationship and his feelings for me.

I started regarding myself as an individual rather than as part of a couple gone wrong IYKWIM.

H and I did a lot of to and fro in the early days - together, then separated again. It took me, to stop letting him use me as a emotional crutch/ fall back for me to see that he really wasn't the person I believed him to be anyway.

You are right that every new set of anwers you get spawns others which is why you unfortunately need to accept you will never understand fully and draw a line under it.

Spooky. I was 18 too! We've been together 12 years.

It's such an empowering thing to find out that you can do everything yourself. That you don't need him (doesn't mean you don't want him, but you can do it alone).

I'm amazed by how lovely acquaintances have been, as well as friends. So many people reach out to you to make you feel better. Makes you wonder why your H finds it so hard

norks, there speaks the wise voice of experience. I'm fighting to find me in amongst all the crap. I'm pretty sure I'm still in here somewhere!

So we're back to acceptance as the only answer.

I was 19 when I met H, we were together for 16 years.

You can do it I have, it's tough but You will come through it and TBH I have amazed myself at the things I have achieved since being on my own - nothing mindblowing, but I can now do simple DIY jobs, Manage my money, Run a house, And made decisions about mine and DC's lives.
My H was very controlling and I was totally blinkered to this until he left.

Finding YOU is the most important thing, looking back will not help you do this. You were barely an adult when you entered the relationship and all your feelings about yourself in the adult world will be linked with your H.

Take time just to be, don't start doing anything dramatically different to before. Just making decisions on your own without taking someone else's opinions/feelings into account will teach you more about who you are.

crunch - that is spooky, we must be about the same age as we would have been together 12 years come october.

I've always made the decisions (although not alone, I am always the one that pushes for a decision to be made) so that bit won't be strange, but I realise I have gradually handed over a lot of the house stuff to H. Gonna have to look at mortgage, utilities etc.

Silly things like taking the rubbish out and stuff - I just don't remember when its the right day, and I'm going to have to start