How do you accept that you won't get an answer to all your questions when you split?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

It's so hard! H is still gone. We have minimal contact now and I am formal with him. I do occasionally ask him why he has thrown us all away so easily when he promised he would try to win us back (and I know I shouldn't), he just shrugs and looks sad.

I don't want to write the whole back story, so here's the short version:- H depressed for 3 years, took everything, gave nothing, became emotionally abusive, broke all his promises, broke my heart, I asked him to move out as it was hurting all of us too much. Things are easier now. Lonely, but safe.

But I want to know how he can be normal with everyone else and not with me.

I miss my best friend

And he's gone. And I want to know why he could choose to be the person he is.

He's been even worse since he moved out.

How do I move on from the "But why?"

I know time is the answer, and there is no other, but it's so unfair. My thoughts have revolved around his feelings for 3 years with no energy spare for my own. I'm beginning to think of me again. Bit by bit. But then I get caught back in the 'why?' and I feel drawn back in.

Chairmum I hope you manage to get through the necessary 'phone calls OK. I've found that hard and did end up very upset talking to the lady from Income Support who came to check up on my circumstances which shocked her a bit! I do feel a bit better for having started to sort things out though.
Thumbwitch - thank you for the hug. I need it...I do wish I could be less bothered by the lies he is telling everyone and himself. I hope with time that will come.
Lookingahead the irony is that I conceived literally a matter of hours before I realised what was going on between H and OW. Haven't had sex with him since. He says he wishes he had never slept with me that day and that he doesn't want the baby. Should have said something at the time then shouldn't he?..
I however am glad that I'm pregnant really, at least it gives me something to look forward to. I have called Relate to ask about counselling although it seems they have a long waiting list where I am.
Crunch - I hope your day got better. I don't know about you but I seem to have moments of real despair and the occasional moment of what is almost positivity. I just hope the dark moments become fewer for all of us.
And I wish I knew how any of these men are sleeping at night. I'm certainly not!
x

SWHN - go to your GP for counselling. I have had to wait less than 2 weeks for an appointment, which is next week. Apparently they really prioritise you when you're pregnant (particularly as they like to avoid ADs in early pregnancy if possible). Of course bursting into tears at my 25 week appointment helped me, but I can't afford to pay for counselling so this is really good for me, and might work well for you too.

And I know I have been sleeping better than my H, who hasn't been going to bed till 1 or 2 am (and he used to sleep 10-6). I'm not sure how I'm managing to sleep sometimes, but it is making life seem much easier.

CMMGIA - good name change - nice and positive! How are you feeling today? Hope you got some sleep last night, it must have felt interestingly different knowing he wasn't in the house?

SWHN - most of the men involved have already segregated their feelings from the situation (not all) and won't have too much trouble. The ones who still have a level of decency are more likely to have troubled sleep; and even the ones who think they are fine with it might not sleep if their unconscious mind is storing up their guilt for them!

In the end, you just have to focus on yourself. There is no good to be had from thinking about him at all; disengage, ignore, re-focus on you (and your DC and bump).

Oh, and I have my new mantra. "I am a strong, proud woman who is worth something for herself!"

that's an excellent mantra, CMMGIA! Much better than before, your brain will fully appreciate it .
Can I suggest you add in "and to" at the end?
"I am a strong, proud woman who is worth something for and to herself!"
Sorry if I've misunderstood your original meaning, I just wanted to make it clear to your brain that you believe in your own worth to yourself as well.

Ignore me if I'm being fick!

Well, I've survived the first 24 hours, and I'm still pretty well up!

I was wondering if my anti-depressants were numbing things too much, wondering if I felt too good. Then I've been sorting out money things this afternoon and having to email H about arrangements, and of course he managed, with one sentence, to have me back on the verge of tears, and I got myself into a tense email conversation about the baby and his lack of interest in it. Thankfully I managed to stay calm and I've got my disengaged head back on now. Good to know I can deal with the little knocks without crashing down just yet though. And we've arranged pickup/dropoff times for the weekend too.

The house is pretty tidy, washing machine and dishwasher on, DS asleep and I've had a shower and am having a big mug of spearmint and camomile tea.

How have your days been ladies?

That sounds like a good day in the scheme of things CMMGIA!. I have been feeling like sh*t all day/week (cold rather than H related for once) so I had a bath and gave in to 2 small glasses of vino. I figured I was allowed them as have not had any in a while and how can you get thru what we are going through without ANY wine at all ?!

Just a thought - I find talking with H is painful but I find that starting an email over seemingly innocuous things (arrangements etc) always seems to end up spilling over into emotional stuff and it never does me any good (plus you can really misconstrue stuff on email). I reread the emails he sends... reading between every line , looking for things that probably aren't there and drive myself mad (not to mention the thought that goes into my replies) so I have banned myself from emailing him about anything. Maybe you are not the same but not emailing has served me well anyway.

Like the mantra - must sit down for 5 tomorrow and think of my own. Not sure if you feel the same way but as due date approaches it def keeps me feeling strong thinking about how much he is going to miss out on/feel excluded as I get more pregnant and once the baby is here. Not sure about your H but mine is the type who has no idea how he feels about things (and cannot deal with things) until they actually happen -I think he is going to get a shock at how he feels when he sees his little family unit with him on the outside come June. Hmm their loss hey ?! Keep strong CMGIA x

lookingahead, it might help you to know that I had a glass of red wine pretty much daily from about 18wk pg onwards. The reason was that we were told my mother had terminal cancer at that point and she died 8 days later - I decided the stress-reducing properties of a glass of wine considerably outweighed the extreme stress of a bereavement in the grand scheme of things - and what you are going through is similar to a bereavement (although of course different because my Mum probably didn't want to die). Anyway, DS is fine - none the worse for it, a bright cheery little boy.

HTH

What's everyone doing with their friday night?

I have a very daring asda chinese and I am going to have a small beer while watching startdust I recorded the other day. And I might fill in my benefits forms!

DS is off in 2 hours. Bit daunting but in a way I am looking forward to it. H is taking him to his mother's tomorrow which is not a particularly safe place and he's had a strop about me trusting him when I asked him not to take DS there overnight. Tough though, he will trust his mother to watch DS in that house with floor level windows upstairs (with no locks) and all sorts of other hazards - and I wouldn't, so overnights are out of the question.

Wow, God, that's so unsafe! I don't blame you, I wouldn't trust a house that had windows like that. They have started building them here in Australia and for the life of me I cannot understand why! IF you're going to have floor level windows, put some frigging locks on them or safety bars outside! There have been a number of fairly recent incidents of children falling out of them. Madness. Your H is even more of a loony if he thinks it's remotely safe, especially at night, you can't guarantee that you have your eyes on a child 100% of the time. If it wouldn't distress you too much, look it up on Australian News and see if you can get figures for how many children have fallen out of such windows, and email it to your H.

Ugh.

At exactly the time H was due to pick DS, DS was waiting by the front door and somehow managed to break the stop tap there. Water spraying everywhere. I can't turn the damned thing off, DS and I soaked.

H turns up 15 minutes late and after about another half an hour of water pouring into the house he turns the water off at the street (apparently). I tell him to take DS away to somewhere dry and survey the damage. Friend arrives (having had a drink so can't drive anywhere) and follows him, getting him to take her to B&Q to get me a carpet cleaner to suck up the water.

I have no water till someone comes tomorrow to fix the stop tap (although my friend has brought me a few litres for hand washing and stuff) and I'm having to empty huge tanks of water. Still got to move the sofa and do under there, and see how much more I can get up before I go to bed.

I ache all over and I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I am just hanging on to my hope for a lie-in tomorrow.

Miaow, it's tough balancing the trust. There's so many things I know H is blasee about that I worry about, it's hard not to worry. Do you think you could persuade him to put locks on the windows? Peace of mind is much better than feeling you always need to worry and argue.

H has the DCs tonight. So far I have had a long, hot bath (lots of bubbles, candles and chocolate) and I'm now sitting here with a glass of wine and rubbish on the telly.

There're certainly a few perks to this I never got this much peace and quiet before! And much as I miss the DCs I'm starting to really treasure the me time I'm getting too.

Feeling a lot more positive all in all.

And don't worry about the odd glass of wine ladies. Guidelines say no alcohol during preg not because there are proven risks for moderate/light drinking, but because it's easier to say no alcohol than "some" (since that can mean different things to different people).

lookingahead the email thing certainly sounds sensible! I wish I had your willpower!

Oh and Miaow, my house has never been cleaner than in the first few days after he left

Oh Miaow, cross post!

Are you ok?

IT always happens at the worst time!

Now it sounds like my final sentence was boasting about my clean house compared to your wet house!

Time to put your feet up and forget about it all until tomorrow!

Nearly done. Just need to run it over a few more times. I'm taking lots of rest though.

I had a good cry while the water was still pouring in and DS was shouting "Mummy, wet, wet!" but now I'm just annoyed at life.

Bed soon though, laptop, TV and a cup of tea. Might get some icecream too.

Ice cream sounds like a good plan. I know this won't be any comfort at the moment, but sometimes it's good to have something real and practical to get upset about, rather then always being upset about the emotional stuff.

Hope you sleep well.

Hello ladies - did you have a good weekend? Hope you got your water fixed, CMM and that DS was all right.

Hello TW. I'm very relieved last week is over. Not a good week at all. I'm still feeling pretty low, but things have to improve!

H is trying a bit of Gas-lighting now. He's turning everything around on me and saying things like, "I know that you honestly believe that's how things were, but I don't agree." in a really patronising tone. I'm distancing myself already (should have stuck to it before). I'm finding it harder to be sure about things. It all sounds so reasonable when he says it. But then he throws in how he's changed his mind and can no longer see our relationship as him being the abuser and me being the victim.

Distancing! Honest!

Trying to at least.

Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Don't give his drivel any headroom at all - even suggesting that his lies sound reasonable is putting you back where you were, i.e. doubting yourself.

IF you have to (and it's up to you) write down ten of the worst things he did to you. Look at them as objectively as you can and decide whether or not you are right. One way to do this would be to write them in the 3rd person, as though it had happened to someone else - that makes it easier for you to step out of the situation and see it as others would.

IF you choose to do this, do NOT involve your H in any way, by e.g. telling him what you have done - he will only try to turn it back onto you.

The fact that he is STILL trying to rewrite history suggests that his conscience is troubling him - and so it should. But that is his problem now, not yours - let him deal with it but he has no business involving you any more - by engaging with him in any way, you are letting him continue the cycle.

I know you know this - you just need to be reminded!

How's your mantra coming on?

TW thanks for that

I really do need to hear that regularly. Will have a go at the list this evening. I think that would be a good thing to look at when I find myself wanting to agree with his "version of reality" (have stolen that phrase from him )

My mantra? Hmmm.

I could stick with a simple, "I don't just deserve better, I deserve the best!"

Good start - lose the "don't" in the first bit though. Just stick with the last bit in fact!
Or - "I deserve the best because I am worth it!" would be even better because it includes a "value statement" - i.e. you showing yourself that you value yourself, iyswim.

Right, I am yawning like Cheddar Gorge here so I think I'd better go to bed! Hope you have a good afternoon, Crunch and give yourself a big smile and virtual hug!

Sleep well TW, I'm waving through the world at you Thanks for the pep talk.

I'd feel a bit like a make up add if I do the "because I'm worth it" bit!

"I deserve the best because I am the best!" a little on the arrogant side, but perhaps that's what I need. Ha!

I think, in the end, it doesn't matter so much whose "version" of reality was right. Whether or not he meant to make you feel bad, you DID feel bad. There's only one way not to feel that kind of badness again - distance!

However, it does help to know that you are sane and your memory isn't playing tricks, and as TW says, writing things down is invaluable. The solicitor suggested I write down examples of unreasonable behaviour as they happened. I therefore have the joy of looking back over two years of really weird stuff.

Having similar issues here. H is adamant that he and I were unhappy before OW came along and that we had split before he started a relationship with her. This is not actually what happened at all. And in the end, perhaps it isn't important. Except that it's his version of events that our friends and relatives are being brainwashed with and I think it undermines how deperately hurt I feel by the whole situation.
Everything is being turned around so it's my fault. Apparently I am stopping the split being amicable, mostly because I will not sign every last penny over to him without a fight. He is even complaining about child maintenance. H has been harassing me today trying to get me to sign something, I'm not even clear what it is but I know its not in my best interests. Am feeling very vulnerable at the moment. And the evenings are so lonely.