How do you accept that you won't get an answer to all your questions when you split?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

It's so hard! H is still gone. We have minimal contact now and I am formal with him. I do occasionally ask him why he has thrown us all away so easily when he promised he would try to win us back (and I know I shouldn't), he just shrugs and looks sad.

I don't want to write the whole back story, so here's the short version:- H depressed for 3 years, took everything, gave nothing, became emotionally abusive, broke all his promises, broke my heart, I asked him to move out as it was hurting all of us too much. Things are easier now. Lonely, but safe.

But I want to know how he can be normal with everyone else and not with me.

I miss my best friend

And he's gone. And I want to know why he could choose to be the person he is.

He's been even worse since he moved out.

How do I move on from the "But why?"

I know time is the answer, and there is no other, but it's so unfair. My thoughts have revolved around his feelings for 3 years with no energy spare for my own. I'm beginning to think of me again. Bit by bit. But then I get caught back in the 'why?' and I feel drawn back in.

Try not to let it get to you. And try not to read his tweets. They're not a true indication of anything.

If you feel your counselor isn't responding to things you feel are important then do ask her for a response. It's important to be clear about things.

You can't do the work for him, you can only do the work for you. So keep focusing on yourself. What do you need? Not from him, but from yourself. What do you need to feel? How can you keep on top of things?

Feeling incredibly upset in your situation is completely normal. You must feel everything I'm feeling as well as the knowledge that DC2 will soon be here.

Just to reassure you, when DC3 was due I was terrified that I couldn't do it alone. DH made himself so untrustworthy that I ended up pretty much doing everything (and he was always a very hands on dad). Imagine my surprise to find that it wasn't that bad! It was exhausting at first, and the lack of sleep is taxing, but when you just keep going it all gets easier and easier.

So now I'm completely alone with 3 DCs (DD is now 9 months) and it's fine. It's better than fine, it's stable and they're all well. The funniest thing is that the child that was the biggest problem has moved out! H was like a 4th baby. He wanted to be looked after too. And I don't have to do that anymore!

It doesn't mean I don't care about him. It doesn't mean I don't miss him. It doesn't even mean that if that magic wand could be waved tomorrow and he came back a changed man I wouldn't consider trying again. But it does mean I know I don't need him.

And that's a big step forwards.

TW is spot on. H says the same, he "likes to chat to me". Was very surprised when I said I didn't want to make small talk about his job. Bloody cheek.

I have just read the op

my marriage ended ten weeks ago - I have come to accept that this has happened because of his choices, not mine. That's it.

Do small things for you - a film, a book. Bit by bit you get you back, I'm getting there.

Thanks scorps. I think it does help to know I've tried everything and he... well, hasn't!

I can polish my halo, my conscience is clear

He is in a good mood. Apparently after his long chat last night he feels somewhat released. I am struggling with it a lot because I tried so hard (not in recent times, but earlier) to get him to talk.

I have very calmly explained some things about how I've been going in my counselling, and apologised for projecting attitudes to my parents behaviour onto him. I explained that I am trying to take responsibility for my part of things, and that I need to know that he can see his part in where things went wrong. He listened better than he would have in the past, and certainly better than he would have had I been crying and getting really upset, and I am proud of myself for mostly staying calm.
However, I'm not sure he cares right now.

I think I'm doing it for myself rather than him. I need to know that I've been clear about what I am doing and have things straight in my head. He said that his feelings don't necessarily have anything to do with my behaviour or actions but I can't see how that is true with regards to his feelings towards me.

I know he definitely needs to move out. We both need space and I need to prove I can do things alone. We have agreed to start going to relate once a fortnight. I have said that whatever happens I need to understand what went wrong, and we need to learn how to communicate for the future - whether that is together or not.

I'm still feeling very sick and shaky but a little more confident in myself. I'm starting to do what I need to do regardless of his actions and perhaps that will give me some strength. I desparately need to have a good day tomorrow, as if I can get through a day eating and sleeping, the next one seems easier so long as nothing new happens to upset me.

And I've just realised I probably won't manage to go to aquafit for a while, (as I was planning to) as I need to be eating better before I can do exercise (other than the plenty of walking I already do) but I do need to try to find myself again.

I need to look for something else to let me be me. I think I've forgotten who that is in the world of wife and mother

Miaow, don't put so much pressure on yourself

You are doing an amazing job in the circumstances. Don't forget that.

He is caught up in himself for the moment. It's time for you to do the same.

I am still judging myself by his expectations I think. He expects me to just get up and pick myself up and carry on, even through this and I so desperately want him back, (at least the version that loved me) that I keep trying.

Its hard to see that its only me he's closed up with right now. Really hard. And then he says its not about me.

Arggh. I know I'm allowed to be sad and angry and stuff but its not good for DS, and I don't want H to see me like this.

Screw him! Who cares what he sees! He sees you justifiably upset because of the crappy way he has treated you?! Good!

You can't change what he's thinking and it's time to stop adjusting your behaviour to make him like you/feel better/love you. That's down to him. If he can't love you for who you are then you really deserve someone who will!

What kind of selfish git does this to his heavily pregnant wife? What kind of spineless idiot couldn't hold it together for a bit? Even if it'd the end, to just shut off when you actually need extra support is selfish!

You can collapse for a bit. Ok, not so much around the DCs, but in private you are allowed to scream, "Why me?!" and to wail, "Life isn't fair!"

Because it isn't fair that this is happening to you.

That doesn't mean you won't move on. It doesn't mean you won't be happy again. But it does mean that at this moment in time your H is a knobhead!

Ooh that feels better.

You give it a go!

I really want to feel like that - and sometimes I manage it.

I think on saturday I might have a lie in and then clean the house, the way I haven't had the energy to do in a long time. I will ask him to go out for the day or something - it should be nice weather and DS would enjoy it.

I am going to buy my freeview+ box tomorrow too.

If he's decided to take the flat he's looking at tomorrow I can sort out cooking stuff for him (he needs to be able to cook for DS and I need to be able to control what I get to keep!) I imagine he'd be able to move in pretty quickly and I will encourage him to do it ASAP.

Then next week I can go to the council and stuff and sort out my benefits. Of course, as always, this revolves around him actually taking the place but I can hope. I need to DO something.

You do. And that all sounds really really positive. Rest when you can (even if you don't sleep, put your feet up) and get the practical things done. I quite enjoyed making a big box of cooking things for H. I got rid of all the surplus pans and wooden spoons I had It made it feel like a worthwhile clearout.

Something odd has happened this evening.

H just called to invite me to Sunday lunch at his flat with the DCs. I said no. He sounded very disappointed.

I'm not sure why he thinks I'd go from accepting all the crap he has dished out to accepting a dinner invitation (especially since he stood me up for the last one).

He of course will view this as a, "I tried and she just threw it back at me!"

Just tell me I did the right thing? Please?

yes you did the right thing. he can lump it, he's not allowed to pick and choose. Just as they don't allow us too. it's not tit for tat, it's fair, and it's not a fooking game.

and breathe (me not you)!!!

Thanks pirate

It's the first thing he's done in... a while. And I'm supposed to jump at it and say, "Oh yes! Of course! If you're ready then here I am!"

Just wish it didn't make me feel lousy.

It's much easier to maintain the righteous anger when he's being a git!

Crunch - you know I might give him one of the wooden spoons he bought me for last mother's day! You can guess how impressed I was with that.

I can see that if H did that to me, I would jump on it and cling for hope, but I think you've had longer of the broken dreams than I have to get real. I'm trying to remember the look of disinterest on his face when I'm trying to talk to him when I think he might love me again one day.

DS is asleep thankfully - not like last night staying up till 10. I'm still churned up and full of heartburn, but I'll prop myself up in a bit, read a bit of my overcoming sleep problems book then try to drift off. I really need it tonight.

Then tomorrow I have some small things to do that might make me feel like I'm at least doing something, as well as a toddler group in the morning.

Crunch, you go girl! Well done! Tough if he's disappointed, that's still his look out. You don't want to go, why should you? He has to accept that you now have your own life and it doesn't have to fall in with his whenever he says (or even asks).

CMM - that's it, keep thinking of things like the wooden spoon and practicalities - it helps a lot.

Scorps - sorry to hear you're in the same boat but glad you're getting through it.

My ex - he asked me if we could still be friends. I said "would you want to be friends with someone who had kicked you in the teeth and ripped your guts out? No? Thought not."

Thumbwitch -I may have to lift that exact expression next time H talks about us being friends -genius because that's exactly what it feels like he has done . He called tonight 'to see how I was' (first time in a while - normally all he can do is look at my ever expanding bump and run for the door). Why the f*ck do I need him asking how I am or his attempts at small talk when my friends and the people who really care how I am have proved they are worth 15 million of him since he left. grrrrrr They live on a different planet don't they ?. I can't wait for 'indifference' - Is that one of the 7 stages of healing ?!!

CMM- I know where you are coming from about trying to live up to his expectations... please don't try as he will move the goalposts and decide he wants you to be something else the second you get there. My H criticized me for not being able to talk about my feelings in our counselling sessions then ran a mile when I did . H then said he wanted me to be strong and move on - I started doing that and he hated that too. He will always put whatever he wants you to be just out of reach so you will never get there... until or unless he decides he wants to make a go of it - sadly nothing yu can do at this stage will change this .. I am only just starting to get that myself but I think it's pretty much always the case in these situations....

lookingahead, I am really pleased that I actually managed to say that one - I spent a lot of time doing the "if only I'd said that at the time" at 2am during that period, but that one I did get out!

Another pointer (goodness, I'm starting to sound like the Old Woman of Breakup here) - when they ask how you are, they don't actually want to know unless you are feeling better. Why they are asking is to reduce their guilt - the ideal answer from their POV would be this:
"I am fine in myself, of course I still miss you and will love you forever but the pain has gone and while I can't understand why you did what you did, I forgive you anyway because you probably had good reasons for it"

Shit, but true.

If asked, I would employ the tactic I used with other people who asked me - say "Do you really want to know or do you want the short answer?" But even if they say they really want to know, chances are that the above still applies.

yes good point Thumbwitch. The thing is, sometimes I find it quite draining and depressing to be angry, terse etc all the time to him and sometimes just feel like being friendly - as I realise that with all the house, financial, DD and DS who is due in june we HAVE to be able to get on - even if it's only me being civil because we have to. Then all the horrible things he has said and done, all the lies and put downs come flooding back and I feel like I don't ever want to look him in the eye again.

Whilst we were going to counselling (hmm ok he was paying lip service - I was giving my life and soul away) I felt like I had to be friends as we were supposedly 'working on the marriage' but now we're finished with that I guess I don't need or want to be any more. How are others with their exH exP in these situations ? Polite ? angry ? Friendly ? confused - sorry for thread hi-jack Crunch

we have only recently split..less than two weeks and it came as a shock to me, I don't think my h has given me proper reasons I suspect it will all become apparant as time goes on. I miss him like mad he was my best friend he knows everything about me, much more than any friend or family member. I miss our chats at the end of the day with a cup of tea, the texts throughout the day even the ones teasing me about something or other.

I feel so upset tonight as i haven't been given good enough reasons for us to split...the man I loved has gone forever leaving behind someone who looks like him but will never be as lovely to me as he was.

just when I think I'll be ok I get a poor me feeling sorry for myself night.

He is having our dd for the weekend I've not seen him for a week and I want to be civilised but I think that will be too difficult as he has broken my heart

TW talks such good sense here. Having been there myself - still there probably. I can honestly say the best thing I did was to really cut the ties between us. I have had a load of blame and crap thrown at me as it was my fault he had affairs as I didnt love him enough. Eventually after some months I decided I would never work out what made him tick and we had to go our seperate ways.

Now I dont feel any desire to be 'friends' with him - my friends treat me a whole lot better than that!!! I am polite but very clear that our relationship is based on the children and outside of that I have no interst in his life and he has no business in mine. Its tough to do at first, but it does help

Hello all,

it's that early morning sickness, hit earlier than normal cos DS woke up. Tried taking him back to his bed but was greeted with cries of "no, big bed!" and the poor boy needs whatever security is on offer at the moment.

I'm still fixated on the talking thing - it's what's making me feel sick now. H has poured his heart out to the person that I was relying on and now I don't feel like I will be able to open up and more. We went to one session of joint counselling before he started going on his own and the woman explained that she didn't do both halves of a couple because it affected how you were with them. And that's how I feel. She's going through some of her own shit at the moment too so I can't really explain it all. I'm just torn up by the idea that it's my fault he can't talk to me - I had thought he was just completely closed off which was comforting in it's own way.

I'm just going to have to try to talk more to the people for whom it can be all about me. I know that is selfish but I have to be like that to get through this without falling apart - I have to stay together for myself and DS.

Doctor offered me anti-sickness meds today. I think if this doesn't settle in a week or so I am going to have to take her up on them to be able to function properly.

Repeat to myself though: this is not something normal-it is ok to not be with it all the time. And then breathe.

Miaow, you want him to talk to you, but he won't; he can talk to someone else, but chooses not to talk to you... and this is somehow YOUR fault?!!!

He chooses not to communicate with you! It's his decision! His choice to protect his own feelings.

And for the "How are you?" question. My last reply was (said very calmly and with tears in my eyes), "How do you think I am? My life has been torn into tiny pieces, my whole future and that of the DCs' changed forever, because of your 'feelings'. You threw us all away because you 'felt' like it. You decided treating your wife with basic human respect and compassion was 'too hard'. How the hell do you think I'm feeling?!"

He only asks about once a week by text now

I don't reply.

notmychoice, just keep going for now. It's really hard at first, especially the handovers, but it gets easier to protect yourself. It's so good to know there are other people feeling the same things out there; caught in the same confusion.

elasta the friendship thing is such an odd one. I would love to have the man he was as a friend, but if he was that man then we would be together, so he's not, so he can't

And on a positive note I think I have now transferred the final household bill into my name. Unless there's one I've forgotten. I've done the gas, electric, water, council tax and phone.

What have I forgotten? I really don't want him to be responsible for any of the direct payments for fear he might "forget" to pay them.

Looks like he is taking the flat he saw today as he can't find anything else suitable, he says. He hasn't told me when he can move yet but I am hoping it is soon so I can start to get used to my new life.

He hasn't asked how I am in ages. I'm beginning to wonder how long its been since he cared

Excuse me gatecrashing the thread. I'll never get answers either, but I have more or less worked out to my own satisfaction what got into him and that will have to do.

Crunchy: tv licence?

About you turning down his invitation (sorry I didn't see the post yesterday), remember the last time you did something he asked of you, turning up to his birthday party? He used it as an excuse to treat you like dirt. And we said next time you feel the urge to do the decent thing, just remember how he threw it in your face. So yes, you were right to refuse this time. You don't need to hand him yet another stick to beat you with.

ChairmumMiaow: don't you think that the very reason he can open up to the other person precisely because she doesn't mean anything to him? With you, he has to distance himself from many years of shared history (only he knows why). Explaining to the very person who you've wronged is far more difficult than just explaining. Plus you'd know him well enough to tell if what he's pouring out is actually a load of tosh, whereas a friend might believe it.