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Original poster

classic case of too much too soon UPDATE

207 replies

sparkybint · 19/01/2010 07:36

My earlier thread is here - hope link works.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/890642-classic-case-of-too-much-too-soon-should-I-walk. I should have listened to you all but silly me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I'm stuck in Dubai, a place that does nothing for me at all although the weather's great, with a MONSTER. He's revealed his true colours now, stopped showing any interest in me unless I'm doing something for him, and the other night after he initiated sex and then I wanted to carry on he said "What are you doing? Get off me and go to sleep". He hardly ever cracks a smile, and it's not only me who he's being moody with. He's been really rude and unkind to more waiters than I care to mention. He's also still very angry with his STB ex-wife and obviously not laid it to rest.

So I've been putting on a brave face and being all sweetness and light because I didn't want to have a falling out over here and I couldn't leave and get home. But last night, I couldn't take it any more. He looked over the table at me and told me my grey roots needed doing. This might be OK if you've been married for years, but after less than 4 months?? I calmly told him what I thought of his behaviour since we'd arrived and that I didn't understand it. Why had he fed me all that stuff about love? You know what he did? Stormed off (if you can do that in a wheelchair).

So my question is ladies, how do I survive the next days? (we go back on Saturday). He assumed I'd want to go home there and then and was trying to book me a flight last night (paid for by him) but I'm staying put -I feel he got me here under false pretences and now I'm here I'm bloody well going to try and enjoy it. I suppose I'll just be icy polite and try and keep out of his way as much as possible.

And is there any point in trying to get to the bottom of why he's started to behave in this way? I am ok about it, I knew something was wrong but I'm still hugely disappointed in him and further disillusioned about ever finding anyone kind and decent..... off to read the "bring me my slippers" thread now.

OP posts:
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 19/01/2010 07:39

Room service! Food, massages etc and then let him foot the bill
Sorry to hear he has turned into a prick. Better to know now though then later and at least you know you are heading home soon with a nice tan.
Just be civil and smile at his toddler behaviour and enjoy it while you can and then move on.

heQet · 19/01/2010 07:41

Go and do your own thing without him?

God, I REALLY hope you are going to leave when you get home.

Original poster
sparkybint · 19/01/2010 07:47

Thanks, I know that's the only answer. And sorry, using strange lap-top (his!) and seem to have posted this 3 times. There is no point in trying to talk about it with him, is there?

OP posts:
nancydrewrocks · 19/01/2010 07:49

Go and lie by the pool and relax. On your own.

Enjoy the weather and be glad that you have seen him for what he is.

heQet · 19/01/2010 07:55

It's always worth trying to talk about problems. If he won't work with you, at least you tried and you can walk away without looking back

Original poster
sparkybint · 19/01/2010 08:00

Thanks heQet, I doubt if he'll listen but I want him to know a few things. I think his disability (he's paralysed from the chest down) is something he really hasn't come to terms with at all, although outwardly he seems to have, and hes just basically fighting the world. It doesn't excuse his behavour though

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 19/01/2010 08:06

Sparkly - I was on the original thread and I was of the thought that he was distinctly odd. Plus you accepting all these gifts of hugh financial value was putting you in a position of weakness.

Basically all he wants is to 'buy' someone's supplication. The fact that you are a women with independent thought who (a) wants a satisfactory sex life and (b) is not prepared to be criticised in order to fix a man's ego is not what he wants.

Look, it's a shame he is disabled yes but to be honest you could spend the next 20 years trying to sort this bloke out and still get nowhere. Yes it will all be done with a diamond on your finger with all expenses paid, but really?. Is that what you want?

Said it on the last thread, get the hell out. And don't accept any more financial inducements from him. Don't be stupid and stay in the hotel and run up room service on a bill he is going to pay, are you 17? If you want to stay, move to another hotel and if you want to go home, book a flight, either way pay for it yourself.

And make a clean break when you get back. Unless you can see yourself getting used to this kind of life in which case us lot on MN aint going to be much help to you.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 19/01/2010 08:21

Sparky, you have had a lot of great advice both on this and on previous threads, and I agree with the consensus.

Drop him. Even if it IS related to his disability, it is not for you to fix.

Has he always been paralyzed, or is it a new thing?

My dad is paralyzed, well semi paralyzed, from the neck down, he has some movement, but no movement at all on his right side. He can eat with one hand, and he can stand up if holding onto something. He was very depressed and withdrawn for the first few years after his stroke, and he still wont be seen out in public. Now, of course people are different. But your bloke does not seem like he has such issues, not from the behavious you describe. It seems to me that he expects his disability to excuse nasty behaviour.
A person who cant behave with dignity infront of his waiter, and treats his new girlfriend in such a hot and cold, non-empathetic manner, is not worth trying to keep. Too much hardwork.

Keep the diamonds. You deserve them, for putting up with him. In a few years time, you can give them to your dd, and tell you this story, and let it be a present of wisdom and value.

GooseyLoosey · 19/01/2010 08:27

This happened to my mother when she was a similar age - only real difference was that they went to France not Dubai. She rang me at 5.00am, one morning desperate for advice.

I told her if she felt physically safe she should stay to the end but do her own thing. She did - she made a great friend and spent her time with the friend.

She told the man as they got home that she had had a terrible time and that she never wanted to see him again and to that she held. There are nice guys out there - my mother has been very happily married now for 15 years.

LisaD1 · 19/01/2010 08:27

Hi Sparkly,

I totally agree with Getorfmoiland.

I think you need to cut your losses and get out of this relationship as quickly as you got into it.

His disability may well be the root cause of all his anger/mood swings (I know from experience what becoming disabled can do to someone-my own mum is now disabled and is a very angry/bitter person, the only difference is she gave us all 30+ years of happiness before it happened so has "earnt" our loyalty and support) BUT I don't think you should just put up with how he is. If he is treating you this way during the "honeymoon period" just imagin how bad it will be a few years down the line?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2010 08:29

I sincerely hope that you have truly learnt lessons from this whole sorry episode and you have no further contact with him on return to the UK. The old saying that, "if it is too good to be true it likely is" certainly applies here.

How do you survive the next few days - you pay your own way for a flight home and do not avail yourself any longer of anything that he is paying for.

Do not try to analyse this man because you will get nowhere by doing so. There is no point in talking to him either unless you want to spend the next decade psychoanalysing him. Just Say No.

What you need to do longer term is work on your own self instead as history can be repeated. I put this to you in your last thread because I thought you have in the past learnt some damaging relationships patterns:-

"If your relationship antenna is still off then I feel you should be thinking about how and why you keep falling for unsuitable and emotionally unavailable men (like this one clearly is). You can fix the duff radar but you need to do some work on your own self with a counsellor".

AnyFucker · 19/01/2010 08:31

will you finaly bin him now ? please ?

disability or no disability, he is a twunt

it is possible you know!

and for the record...he hasn't "started" behaving like this, the signs were there from the very beginning...you just weren't listening to your inner voice

right...next few days of eating lovely food, swimming, spa treatments and sunbathing

ignore him, don't even eat with him

who gives a shit what the waiters/other holidaymakers think...you aren't beholden to them

and fgs, no more sex or intimacy

I personally wouldn't even try to talk to him...you owe him nothing (I told you to give the diamonds back...)

see you when you get back....minus this rubbish millstone round your neck !!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2010 08:31

Him treating the waiter with disrespect is a sure sign of being a "LOSER".

Katisha · 19/01/2010 08:31

HAve posted on one of the other update threads but see everyone is one this one!

What GetOrf says - pay for stuff yourself if at all poss. Get another room, or another hotel or a flight out.
How many days left of this holiday?

Do not make yourself dependent on him.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2010 08:35

sparky...if I see one more thread from you, that you are continuing with this relationship, I swear I will hunt you down and strangle you

hear me ?

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 19/01/2010 08:38

What would her stomping off in a huff paying for her own ticket home achieve? (unless she does not feel safe with him) Aside from being out of pocket?

Enjoy the holiday, the pool, eat and have a good time without him.

He is behaving like a twunk, so HE should pay for another room, or tickets home. You dont have to make a point regards the finances, he can afford it, it wont dent his pocket. You shouldnt have to cover these expenses just because he is an idiot.
Let him pay, it is cool and calculated to let him pay. But DONT thank him for the holiday when you get home, just say something like

"Jerry, this holiday has been a real eyeopener, I think it best we cut contact now. I never want to see or hear from you again."

Keep the diamonds. No point trying to make financial or other points.

quinne · 19/01/2010 08:52

Take him for whatever you can get out of him and then tell him it is over when you get back home? Keep the diamonds and give them to your daughter telling her how you got them??!

Where is the self respect? The morality?

If you know you are going to leave, then just do it. Take that ticket he bought you on the grounds that he got you to Dubai so he can get you home again but that's all.

And next time you meet someone, use the wisdom that came with those grey hairs before accepting gifts and proclamations of love.

GetOrfMoiLand · 19/01/2010 08:56

Ah, well I disagree with Qunit re paying the bill, but then again I am a cut of my nose to spite myself kind of gal.

No, I would say pay for yourself. Then he can't turn round and bleat 'but I paid £2000 for a luxury holiday and this is how to treat me waaah'.

You can say 'it wasn;t working, your bhaviour was awful, there was no way I wanted to be beholden to you in any way, so I paid for myself to get out of the situation'.

Agree, ignore the waiters and other holidayamakers, who gives a fuck.

Anyfucker I love your posts on this.

GetOrfMoiLand · 19/01/2010 08:57

Sorry for appalling spelling and grammar on that last post (actually all my posts, ever) but you get the gist I hope.

skidoodle · 19/01/2010 09:09

It is not cool and calculated to make him pay. It's craven and weak.

As long as you are there at his expense you are beholden to him.

GetOrf is right. Book a flight home and put this whole terrible mistake behind you. And give back the bloody diamonds. If my mother tried to give me diamonds she got in similar circumstances I'd tell her to bin them. Yuck.

And remember that you played a big part in getting into this situation - the signs were there, but you ignored them.

GetOrfMoiLand · 19/01/2010 09:11

Agree totally skidoodle who has posted what I wanted to ay albeit far more articulately.

And OP get off his bloody laptop while you are at it otherwise he will prob read what you have been up to and there will be more fall out.

GetOrfMoiLand · 19/01/2010 09:13

And who gives a flying fudge about diamonds if they come with this kind of shit? I would rather have a £10 necklace from Sainsbury's and a feeling of self worth.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2010 09:14

the feeling is mutual getorf...

I have been on this gal's threads about this bloke from the very first...

I have been saying the very same from the first...

I am going to box her ears, if I ever get my hands on her

I am in the middle re the finanacial stuff

I would stay for the rest of the hol...why put yourself out of pocket

but then I would never have accepted expensive gifts (never mind proclamations of undying love from virtually day 1....) in the first place

give the diamonds back, endure (try to enjoy...?) the rest of the holiday, then dump from a very great height

skidoodle · 19/01/2010 09:19

You put yourself out of pocket because you accepted a gift you shouldn't have.

It's the only dignified way out.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2010 09:21

getorf...FWIW, I agree with your conclusion on another thread (I think you will know the one I mean)

have deliberately kept away

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