classic case of too much too soon UPDATE

[sparkybint]

My earlier thread is here - hope link works.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/890642-classic-case-of-too-much-too-soon-should-I-walk. I should have listened to you all but silly me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I'm stuck in Dubai, a place that does nothing for me at all although the weather's great, with a MONSTER. He's revealed his true colours now, stopped showing any interest in me unless I'm doing something for him, and the other night after he initiated sex and then I wanted to carry on he said "What are you doing? Get off me and go to sleep". He hardly ever cracks a smile, and it's not only me who he's being moody with. He's been really rude and unkind to more waiters than I care to mention. He's also still very angry with his STB ex-wife and obviously not laid it to rest.

So I've been putting on a brave face and being all sweetness and light because I didn't want to have a falling out over here and I couldn't leave and get home. But last night, I couldn't take it any more. He looked over the table at me and told me my grey roots needed doing. This might be OK if you've been married for years, but after less than 4 months?? I calmly told him what I thought of his behaviour since we'd arrived and that I didn't understand it. Why had he fed me all that stuff about love? You know what he did? Stormed off (if you can do that in a wheelchair).

So my question is ladies, how do I survive the next days? (we go back on Saturday). He assumed I'd want to go home there and then and was trying to book me a flight last night (paid for by him) but I'm staying put -I feel he got me here under false pretences and now I'm here I'm bloody well going to try and enjoy it. I suppose I'll just be icy polite and try and keep out of his way as much as possible.

And is there any point in trying to get to the bottom of why he's started to behave in this way? I am ok about it, I knew something was wrong but I'm still hugely disappointed in him and further disillusioned about ever finding anyone kind and decent..... off to read the "bring me my slippers" thread now.

sparky, just to start you on your road to recovery (after you've had a cocktail on the terrace, of course) ...
You said:
"Mum was kind and loving and didn't notice how it was with dad."
... does she remind you of a certain kind & loving woman who doesn't choose to notice the men she's with are tossers?

Can't tell you what it means to hear those things, thank you.

Can see how I got myself into this mess and how not to get into it again. ps weather is amazing but can't wait to get home. pps maybe it really is never too late to learn

i think we are always learning and growing. How's the tan coming along?

sparkybint

Are you for real? You can't see how you got yourself into this mess? You were posting on his site from the first or second date FFS. Everyone on this site gave you loud and clear prior knowledge and warning - and you agreed with them and then ignored all of the advice.

I cannot stomach the "oh how did I get myself into this" nonsense. You are 52 years of age, at least lets hear some honesty and not self-pitying stuff looking for sympathy or more about how awful this guy was.

A blind man could have seen this coming - you saw it yourself, you weren't going to go to Dubai - remember???

Its fairly simple how you got into this mess - its not rocket science and I'll save you a bucket load of cash on psychotherapy - you wanted a nice expensive holiday for free.

Your still staying in his room rather than putting your hand in your pocket - I mean you can't "dip into your savings", oh no, heaven forbid.

He never got you there under false pretences - he had made it quite clear that he was an arsehole but he was generous enough for this to be overlooked. That is what you agreed to.

Surely there has been enough bullshit already. Making up these nice fuzzy Marian Keye's type stories, well yes it might make it easier for you to like yourself, but don't kid yourself on that the stories are true.

Umm, she said "Can see how I got myself into this mess and how not to get into it again"

BR - I think Sparky is well aware of how she got herself into this mess, and I don't blame her for just sticking it out and not spending a fortune to cut the trip short. It's her companion that is the tosser.

Sparky - you will laugh one day.

And erm ... how is the tan? [green]

lol lat [green]

ahem...

Your quite right Grace, I've read that particular bit wrong - thank you for correcting me, sorry, I just find her whole situation utterly frustrating and I don't buy what she is saying. And I actually don't think she is owning up to why she found herself in this relationship.

I just find it frustrating Sparklybint cannot own up to the fact that she went to Dubai for the expensive holiday and that she stayed in the relationship for the diamonds and money.

I just don't buy that she went to Dubai because of all these other past issues and just looking for love blahdeblah - I think she knew absolutely clearly that this was going nowhere. I don't get genuine feeling from her at all.

I don't accept she is still staying in his room and in the same resort etc etc when 2 days ago she had thought this could have been the big love of her later life. I think she can tolerate staying in his room simply because she absolutely knew the score before she boarded the flight.

She can wrap all of her bad decisions up but ultimately everyone who has read her threads knows that she knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she agreed to go.

She's not the only woman in the world to put diamonds and cash before love and passion, but at least own up to it.

Umm, that's rather... unkind. Some might say unnecessarily so.

Sparky, no more dating until you have a job.

Sorry Dittany, I did mean to reply. I would have been out of Clacton like a shot. I've stayed here for the reasons I stated.

With a name like Bloodyright, I'm not surprised at the tone of your post. Firstly you misread what I said and launched into me and then you make a host of incorrect assumptions. I came out here with him because I thought I'd found someone who loved me. It's as simple as that. If you think I'm pathetic or a user, then sobeit. Attila has made a pretty accurate assessment of what got me into this mess and it's to her and the many others on here who have been frustrated by my behaviour but nonetheless sympathetic, that I owe huge thanks. And those who posted on my previous threads - if only I'd listened to you then.

I suppose where I am now is that I'm ashamed but trying to be positive. Knowing that I can't afford to make this mistake ever again and that somehow I must learn to trust my gut instincts when it comes to men. To some this might seem simple but to me it's a herculean task. But I can do it.

I'm not a materialist BR. I dislike Dubai and everything associated with it (read my previous posts). I have never been with a man for his money, I actually supported my ex and was the breadwinner. And before you jump to conclusions, I'm not making this one pay for that either. I was delighted when he gave me the presents because I thought they were a sign of how much he cared for me. I should have seen it as a possible red flag but I didn't, because no-one's bought me things like that before. I'm not the type to feel sorry for herself and absolutely none of this is fabricated. I'm quite simply a total fuck-up when it comes to relationships.

I will go back home knowing I've behaved like a silly little girl but that I've learned an invaluable lesson. I must now ensure that I put the lesson into practice. Thankyou to everyone who's helped me get through the last few days. You're a lovely lot and I'm sorry for frustrating the hell out of you!

And Grace, lovely to meet another 50-something, I have a feeling a new chapter is starting. I gave up my lousy job a couple of months ago as well so it's a clean sweep all round. I do so hope....

bloodyright is pretty close to the mark here.

All this indulgent guff about "you've done nothing wrong", and this man being the only one to blame is getting embarrassing.

This man did buy you, and there were no false pretences. You are not a victim in this situation.

By continuing to share a room with him rather than pay for your own (because you won't put your hand in your pocket since you feel so hard done by) you have put yourself, willingly, in the position of being the goods he wants to give back (and offered to at his own expense, but you refused) but can't.

You have no dignity in this situation, and no moral high ground either.

Your reasons for staying (at his expense) aren't good enough. You sound greedy and vindictive.

Wow - there's no need to be downright rude and nasty to someone you don't even know. Where is the need in that? Call me stupid or ridiculous or totally misguided if you like. I haven't for one second considered whether or not I have the moral high ground and I always try and act from a good place but I fuck up a lot of the time.

I don't have a victim mentality and greed is an emotion alien to me. I have openly admited I AM A FOOL who needs to sort her head out. I am trying to keep positive today and not beat myself up. Posts like yours Skidoodle are thoughtless and hurtful - but feel free to call me a self-obsessed wimp if you like. Perhaps I was daft to start this thread but I'm still really grateful to the majority who offered me good advice.

How are things now Sparky? Has he spoken to you at all about when you get back what will happen? I know that you say he is dumped but does he know that?

What is the atmosphere like in the room and at mealtimes etc? Something must've been said.

I agreed earlier in the thread that you should've got a flight home, or at least your own room instead of sharing with him, but its done now - you are home tomorrow and can hopefully put all this behind you with the lessons you learnt.d

I dont see what would be gained, neither in terms of dignity nor moral highground, by putting yourself in a position where you are out of pocket. He brought you there, he behaves like a shit, you should not have to suffer financially for that. It wouldnt be moral highground, it would be playing the martyr.

Sparky

re the comments you made to myself:-

"Attila, yes my dad was cold and distant, and we had to behave in order to get his approval. Mum was kind and loving and didn't notice how it was with dad. I have a good relationship with him now though".
"All the men since then have either been cold or full-on from the start like this one and I've fallen for it every time. I've just realised re: his disability, that it made me think I could totally trust him and believe everything he was saying. That it would somehow make him kind and caring and sensitive to my needs. How very naive of me".

You are basically acting out and repeating what your parents taught you about relationships. Both these people imparted damaging lessons to you. I reckon you still feel you need to behave around your Dad and seek his approval constantly. Your Mum may well have noticed but she unfortunately chose to ignore the signs (also there was not widespread support back then to leave a marriage, attitudes are far different today. This is no excuse but attitudes were much different 20/30 years ago). You now act exactly as your Mum has done in terms of not moticing/ignoring red flags and you've gone for the same cold and distant type men since as your Dad.

No, you are not too old at 52 to change but you will need to look long and hard at yourself and put some hard graft emotional work in through counselling. If you are indeed serious about sorting your head out properly these are the sorts of actions you need to do when you return to the UK.

If you do not do this you will undoubtedly continue to keep picking unsuitable men becaue your radar is still off balance. You are easy prey for these types. But you allow yourself to be subsequently exploited, that is very damaging to you.

You also need to ask yourself what your DD is learning from you about relationships with men - and what you are teaching her about the same. What do you think you are teaching her?. I do not for one minute think you would want her to have the same sort of repeated relationship experiences with cold and distant men like you have. One generation i.e you have been markedly affected by your parents relationship, do not let a second be affected by your poor relationship choices in the same way. My concern is thus also for your DD.

No more dating also till you have done some counselling, you must unlearn the patterns your parents taught you.

and your name sparkybint speaks volumes in itself.

Men like your man in dubai are fairly straightforward, they treat women like possessions because they purchase them in much the same way.

Chat along the lines of "unconditional love" so early on, simply means, you know I give you all of this and I expect you to put up and shut up in return. It's not difficult to decipher his barely subtext.

Men like your man in Dubai put cash and valuables on the table early on to all the women he meets, some take and some don't. The ones that do know what they are doing, unless of course they are under 21 and can be forgiven for not knowing.

A women of 52 doesn't have this back out. Your RL friends won't say what I have said simply because they won't want to hurt you. I have nothing invested in my relationship with you and couldn't give a monkeys what you think of me. But, I am calling a spade a spade.

I'm pretty sure in one of your earlier threads you say you've been given diamonds etc before - it is not surprising - some women like to be bought, some women don't.

I wasn't absolutely convinced of your intentions until I read you had gone to Dubai and then was convinced when you decided not to accept his offer of a flight home and that you were staying in his room.

You can cover your actions with words but your actions speak volumes your words are simply words.

triffictits (love it), we are being civil and I'm taking him out this evening. I don't want this to end on a horrid sour note and I'm not going to "talk" to him about this either. Just light conversation and tomorrow when we get home I'll just say goodbye and that's it. I'm glad I stayed - I've saved him money by not going home and have totally paid my way since the other night.

Attila, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and insight - you are very right about my upbringing apart from the fact that my parents are still happily married after more than 50 years together. They just didn't know how to raise confident children. I'm all too aware of my daughter not making the same mistakes and that's probably the biggest reason for me to get my radar fixed.

BR - you're undoubtedly right about this man being the kind who buys women. I've never come across one before, the diamond I had before was from Argos and it was an engagement ring. Again I'd fallen in love with love and then he went weird on me. And when I got married I had to buy my own damn ring. And of course, I'm sure you feel right in your own mind about this and that's all that probably matters to you about everything.

Sparky

I have got quite angry reading some of these posts (as a sad lurker!).

Angry with him...oh yes a little angry with you! You have been a daft cow and sold yourself short! You are worth so very much more than that kind of creep. Who cares whether you are right or wrong about the holiday etc etc - what matters is that you seem to have grown in dignity over these threads. You seem to have some very acute insights into your take on relationships and I am absolutely certain that you will tackle them. For your own and yes, your daughter's sake.

I reckon 2010 will be good to you - just a new job and new work colleagues will give you a fresh start. This combined with your determination to not fall into this kind of trap again (whatever the motives were on either side) makes you a woman to admire.

Well done you.

Hope the supper is dignified and the flight home not too uncomfortable

Its funny Sparkybint, I've found when women get to 52 with lack of self awareness and locked in destructive behaviour - very often they listen to people who reinforce what they want to hear and block out anything which might force them to reassess their behaviour.

You agree that he is the kind of man who buys women but despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary - you deny your the kind of women who likes to be bought.

I would put money on you two being together a year from now, I'm sure your man in Dubai already has.

and I have to agree - my name is shit - when I first posted I was thinking someone was bloody right and I just haven't bothered changing it.

anyway - good luck - hope you get a good psychotherapist and find some honesty to move forward.

Feelhorrid (I sincerely hope you don't), what a lovely, thoughtful post. I too feel
my dignity has returned and guess what, I've just had an email asking me for an interview on Monday for a job I'd really love! Doing something useful for a change, working in a school rather than helping some fat-cat make money for himself.

BR - OK I allowed myself to be bought, what a dappy cow. Hopefully not so dappy now

Sparky I am concerned that you are going to go out with him this evening.

On the last thread before you went to Dubai you were adamant in your agreement that you were going to cut ties. Next we hear you are in Dubai and are 'finished' with him, however you are seeing out your trip as some warped kind of vengeance. Now you are actually speaking to him and a dinner is on the cards. I imagine that you will be trying again and there will be another thread in 3 weeks stating another one of his idiosyncratic ways, albeit dressed up with a weekend in Salzburg or whatever.

Plus, you have not paid your way in the last couple of days. You have been staying in a room which he is paying for. Instead of putting your hand in your pocket and paying for yourself.

I am starting to think you enjoy in some strange way all the push me, pull me.

Sorry if this seems harsh but you do need some harsh home truths I think. Some of the otehr posters going you go gitlfirend on you are I think fuelling your strange sense of entitlement. Apols if I have got this all wrong but this does have a strange sense of inevitability about it.

Anyway hoping that Anyfucker will be along presently to have Stern Words.

"I'm glad I stayed - I've saved him money by not going home and have totally paid my way since the other night."

Wow, what keen insight you have on your situation.

He offered to send you home because he didn't want you there anymore. You should have gone. And if you didn't want to go, wanted to indulge your "now I'm here I'm bloody well going to try and enjoy it" attitude, then you should have done so at your own expense, not his.

It would have been less greedy and more polite to have taken the flight than to have refused to leave, insisted on staying in his room, and spent your days slagging him off whilst accessing the Internet from his laptop.

You have behaved appallingly to this man. There is no dignity in how you've conducted yourself over this trip.

And as for all this guff about your parents' relationship and how it has affected you, unless your mother was a hooker and your father one of her clients, I can't really see how it can be relevant.

I assume you'll be keeping those diamonds as he "gave them to you under false pretences and now that you've got them you're going to bloody well enjoy them."