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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

classic case of too much too soon UPDATE

207 replies

sparkybint · 19/01/2010 07:36

My earlier thread is here - hope link works.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/890642-classic-case-of-too-much-too-soon-should-I-walk. I should have listened to you all but silly me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I'm stuck in Dubai, a place that does nothing for me at all although the weather's great, with a MONSTER. He's revealed his true colours now, stopped showing any interest in me unless I'm doing something for him, and the other night after he initiated sex and then I wanted to carry on he said "What are you doing? Get off me and go to sleep". He hardly ever cracks a smile, and it's not only me who he's being moody with. He's been really rude and unkind to more waiters than I care to mention. He's also still very angry with his STB ex-wife and obviously not laid it to rest.

So I've been putting on a brave face and being all sweetness and light because I didn't want to have a falling out over here and I couldn't leave and get home. But last night, I couldn't take it any more. He looked over the table at me and told me my grey roots needed doing. This might be OK if you've been married for years, but after less than 4 months?? I calmly told him what I thought of his behaviour since we'd arrived and that I didn't understand it. Why had he fed me all that stuff about love? You know what he did? Stormed off (if you can do that in a wheelchair).

So my question is ladies, how do I survive the next days? (we go back on Saturday). He assumed I'd want to go home there and then and was trying to book me a flight last night (paid for by him) but I'm staying put -I feel he got me here under false pretences and now I'm here I'm bloody well going to try and enjoy it. I suppose I'll just be icy polite and try and keep out of his way as much as possible.

And is there any point in trying to get to the bottom of why he's started to behave in this way? I am ok about it, I knew something was wrong but I'm still hugely disappointed in him and further disillusioned about ever finding anyone kind and decent..... off to read the "bring me my slippers" thread now.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 20/01/2010 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2010 18:11

can I have them, tsc

I fancy a holiday in Dubai

and while I am there, I will box sparky's ears

thesecondcoming · 20/01/2010 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2010 19:06

and ?.....

overmydeadbody · 20/01/2010 19:09

Sorry if I've missed something but I don't buy this.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2010 19:16

anything in particular omdb ?

cheerfulvicky · 20/01/2010 19:20

Hi again Sparky,

Okay, here's my take on this latest with this bloke.

When you had this, this thing - blow up, argument, whatever; he assumed you would be leaving and started booking you a flight. Now, this man may be an arse, but I'd say that is a pretty normal expectation. On holiday, things blow up - you go HOME. You don't sit around, quietly smirking and/or seething at each other for the rest of the duration. It's gone wrong, don't you see? You get out.

Sparky, you are saying all the right things, but doing none of them. You have hung your head, agreed you have appalling taste in men and need to grow a pair, basically. So why are you still sitting around, trying to punish someone who you should already be well on your way to FORGETTING? You are in too deep, love. You need to regain your dignity, and that's not happening. You've not even vaguely understanding just how warped your view of dating is, you should now be in the U.K, booking an extensive course of psychotherapy. Not sat there on a sun lounger thinking, "I'll show him! Yeah, I'll ready show him. Room service!" No no no... despairs

Based on your past behaviour, I fully expect you to have forgiven the sod and married him by next week. Because, it was just a misunderstanding and he's nice really. Deep, deep down.

Sparky, you're so lovely but for gods sake, realize how warped your attitudes are. And for gods sake get some in depth counselling as soon as you get back to work out why this keeps happening.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2010 20:15

lol @ marrying him next week

actually...that doesn't sound outside the realms of possibility

I am joking sparky, don't go getting any ideas

2rebecca · 20/01/2010 21:08

I'd hate Dubai as well. All that heat and ostentatious wealth. Wouldn't fancy Vegas either.
If a bloke suggested taking me there it would probably put me off him. Diamonds are wasted on me too though. I just think of dark African mines and exploitation.
Where as I go weak at the knees at men making me special CDs of their favourite music. I'm very cheap...

overmydeadbody · 20/01/2010 21:11

I just can't believe that any woman with any self respect would actually hang around a man like this, or end up half way round th world with him and decide to hang around (and he's paralysed from the chest down?)

maybe I am being too cynical though. Maybe the OP isn't making it all up.

overmydeadbody · 20/01/2010 21:13

and she's goping to the beach alone in Dubai? Not very likely unless it is the private hotel beach...

2rebecca · 20/01/2010 22:03

I can imagine if I wasn't rich and had got there and then split up with a bloke I might be inclined to just grin and bear it rather than bankrupt myself trying to pay my way home though.

cheerfulvicky · 20/01/2010 23:18

Surely MN can tell where people are posting from, IP address-wise I mean? So they could tell whether SB is actually in Dubai and whether the whole thread is a wind up? Not saying it is, though.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 20/01/2010 23:20

excuse me, but there are lots of hotels with private beaches in Dubai.
Been there, done that, and not keen to go back.

Original poster
sparkybint · 21/01/2010 05:40

2Rebecca, thanks for your post. I'm not staying here to show him, I'm here because I'm absolutely not going to fork out £1,000 to get a flight home. And as I said before, I'm not working right now. We go day after tomorrow, it's not long and I won't have to see much of him.

I'm staying at a hotel with a private beach and I'm not putting ANYTHING on our room. I agree with you totally about Dubai Secondcoming and the worst thing about it, is that it's built on slavery. And he treats them like shit.

I have let go of him, totally. Having finally seen him for who he is, I have no feelings for him other than disgust and just feel really stupid at how I've behaved. I'm glad that it's been pointed out to me how unhealthy my behaviour is and I've already talked to my GP about it - she's put me on a waiting list for psycho-therapy.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2010 06:57

sparky,

You probably do not need me to tell you the waiting list for pyschotherapy on the NHS is pretty long.

BTW BACP have a list of registered counsellors and they do not charge the earth either. You are so desparate to be loved (I do wonder why that is, my guess too is that need is deeply rooted and that certainly started a long time ago) that you keep choosing men badly. You have to unlearn the damaging relationship patterns that you have learnt up till now. You need to ask yourself some pretty tough questions.

I still wonder why you agreed to go to Dubai in the first place with him despite your apparant misgivings. Sad thing here too is you completely allowed this to happen to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/01/2010 09:25

I think the lesson to be learned here is: when the massed band of Mumsnet unanimously tells you a bloke is not such a good egg, believe us!

CybilRights · 21/01/2010 09:30

He sounds unbelievably horrible. Personally I'd be on the first plane out of there.

Original poster
sparkybint · 21/01/2010 11:11

Yes Mumsnetters, I'll listen next time. Attila, all started with my dad and carried on from there. Not much hope for me I fear, I'm 52....

OP posts:
warthog · 21/01/2010 12:00

of course there's hope! you're just as capable of self-analysis and change as anyone else. sounds to me like you're making the best of a difficult situation. by recognizing bad patterns you're on the way to fixing them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2010 13:20

sparky,

re your comment:-

"all started with my dad and carried on from there"

Well there's your answer.

Not unfortunately surprised to read that comment from you either. You don't have to answer this at all but was this man emotionally distant and or unavailable to you, were you trying to please him and or your Mum all the time?. You were at that time desperate to be loved?. What has gone wrong for you now relationship wise with men started with your Dad's relationship with you. You may well have gone on to choose men just like your Dad.

No, no, no its never too late at 52 and I am glad that you have considered counselling. You need to address this because as I have said to you before you will keep on making the same types of relationship errors otherwise. Damaging patterns that you have learnt over the years have to be unlearnt.

Counsellors are like shoes - you need to find one that "fits".

ItsGraceAgain · 21/01/2010 13:34

sparkybint asked: "And is there any point in trying to get to the bottom of why he's started to behave in this way?"

Nope.

Enjoy the sunshine. Change your phone number when you get home.

Original poster
sparkybint · 21/01/2010 13:36

Thanks for your support Warthog. Attila, yes my dad was cold and distant, and we had to behave in order to get his approval. Mum was kind and loving and didn't notice how it was with dad. I have a good relationship with him now though.

All the men since then have either been cold or full-on from the start like this one and I've fallen for it every time. I've just realised re: his disability, that it made me think I could totally trust him and believe everything he was saying. That it would somehow make him kind and caring and sensitive to my needs. How very naive of me.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 21/01/2010 13:40

Oh, and what Attila said. Of course it's not too late at 52 I'm in my mid-50s and am amazed how much I've changed in the past few years. Deffo worth it!

piratecat · 21/01/2010 13:42

bit naive, but not stupid to try and make something out of this relationship.

blimey, it's ALL expereince, imo, no matter how old you are. This has taught you ALOT I reckon.

You will look back and giggle when you realise you had to be stuck in a hotel in Dubai with a moody marathon man, to learn more about yourself.!!!