classic case of too much too soon UPDATE

[sparkybint]

My earlier thread is here - hope link works.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/890642-classic-case-of-too-much-too-soon-should-I-walk. I should have listened to you all but silly me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now I'm stuck in Dubai, a place that does nothing for me at all although the weather's great, with a MONSTER. He's revealed his true colours now, stopped showing any interest in me unless I'm doing something for him, and the other night after he initiated sex and then I wanted to carry on he said "What are you doing? Get off me and go to sleep". He hardly ever cracks a smile, and it's not only me who he's being moody with. He's been really rude and unkind to more waiters than I care to mention. He's also still very angry with his STB ex-wife and obviously not laid it to rest.

So I've been putting on a brave face and being all sweetness and light because I didn't want to have a falling out over here and I couldn't leave and get home. But last night, I couldn't take it any more. He looked over the table at me and told me my grey roots needed doing. This might be OK if you've been married for years, but after less than 4 months?? I calmly told him what I thought of his behaviour since we'd arrived and that I didn't understand it. Why had he fed me all that stuff about love? You know what he did? Stormed off (if you can do that in a wheelchair).

So my question is ladies, how do I survive the next days? (we go back on Saturday). He assumed I'd want to go home there and then and was trying to book me a flight last night (paid for by him) but I'm staying put -I feel he got me here under false pretences and now I'm here I'm bloody well going to try and enjoy it. I suppose I'll just be icy polite and try and keep out of his way as much as possible.

And is there any point in trying to get to the bottom of why he's started to behave in this way? I am ok about it, I knew something was wrong but I'm still hugely disappointed in him and further disillusioned about ever finding anyone kind and decent..... off to read the "bring me my slippers" thread now.

Lol at box her ears.

OP - are you there?

You assume it's his disability that has turned him mean and moody, but as you didn't know him before there's no guarantee he wasn't a stroppy bugger when he had the full use of his limbs either. A tendency to treat people like appliances is more often inherited than acquired.

Up to you what to do with the diamonds but let's face it, surely after this there is no way he can ever reel you back in.

... and what AF said, word for word.

Sparky, you havent done anything wrong, aside from being a little naive. And this does not have to be about self respect, in the way that some posters think.

You were not in this for the money, you thought you were in a relationship, you thought he was in love.

When you break up with him, and he goes "but I paid 2k for a holiday for you" you dont have to feel beholden to him, you can equally turn around and say:

'it wasn;t working, your bhaviour was awful, I was your guest and you treated me like shit. I could not afford to pay my way out even if I wanted to, I will make sure I am not doing the same mistake again'.

Give back the diamonds if you want to, give back all the gifts, if you are so inclined.
I just think he would be getting off lightly if you gave them back. Because surely, it would not teach him a lesson, they would just be given to the next woman who comes along. Better if YOU keep them.

Maybe giving them to your daughter is a bad idea. But Quinne what story? It is not a bad story to tell? Sparky would be able to say that she DID keep her dignity, that she DID not accept awful behaviour for diamonds and gifts, she is leaving him for this very reason!

Why are you staying? .

You need to get out of there and stop giving him false messages & accepting his money if you don't like the man.

I remember your first thread about him when he booked a double room .

How long have you been with him? in your thread of December 09 in which you talk about moving in with him, you say you have been together 9 months.

well i think you SHOULD get out of there. go home and spend your days off with family and doing nice stuff.

i would not give back his gifts. a gift is a gift, not 'you can have it until i start being an arse.'

i'm not sure why you'd want to stay with all that aggro tbh.

and fgs don't make up with him! don't feel sorry for him with his disability. i don't think that is what is making him awful. i think he was awful before.

Thanks for all your posts, they're stengthening my resolve. I do feel quite ashamed of myself and really don't want you to box my ears AF and know this is it. If I stay he doesn't have to spend anymore money on me; we have a full board deal and I won't be accepting anything more from him. I can't afford a flight - I'm not working right now and am supporting myself and DD from my savings (not large). I was honest with him about my finacial situation and said I didn't want to accept too much off him and he said it wasn't a problem. I'll try and keep out of his way as much as I can.

He became disabled 10 years ago after a very nasty car accident and has since rebuilt his life. Only now he's a workaholic and sportaholic (he's doing a marathon on Friday here in his racing wheelchair and I've spent the last 2 days helping him get it ready) and seems to think he can treat people in a not very nice way. He used to be a pilot and said "we used to get treated like gods". He's hardly smiled since we got here and gets irritated all the time.

I'm a fool, I know I am, but I've always been with men (incl. ex H) who never did anything nice for me so I'm a sucker for lovely words and thoughtful presents.
Have had counselling in the past but perhaps what I need is a lobotomy.

How many days left before the flight home?

When you get back sell the sodding diamonds and add the money to your savings...

sparky,

re your comment:-
"I'm a fool, I know I am, but I've always been with men (incl. ex H) who never did anything nice for me so I'm a sucker for lovely words and thoughtful presents"

Have you ever thought properly to wonder why this is?. There is something within you which makes me think you want to rescue and or save such men from their own selves. Short answer to that is you cannot.

This is exactly why I have suggested you have counselling to get your duff relationship radar reset. Otherwise I fear the same type of relationship errors you make and have made (particularly on this occasion) will keep happening. You need to unlearn unhealthy relationship patterns for your DDs sake as well as your own.

What is she learning from you about relationships?.

I fear she's not learning anything that's very positive Attila - my relationship with her dad was crap too. Perhaps the best way is for me to steer clear of men altogether. I'm really quite fine on my own, I do sometimes think how lovely it would be to have a partner but it doesn't make me overly sad. Maybe it's time to stop dreaming of growing old with a lovely companion and just get on with it.

oh don't worry, this has been a great lesson and I'm sure you will be more efficient in avoiding twunts in the future.

Things happen for a reason, now use the experiece so it is not a waste.

(And never ever accept the "gift" of being wisked away if you don't have the resources to pay your way back)

Sparky that is very sad.

You are not so worthless that the best you can do is some selfish git like this. So it is very nice to be taken out for dinner and have someone pay for it, what is better is companionship and a relationship with someone who cares and values you for you, even if you are skint and cannot afford a le Gavroche type meal, and have to have a bag of chips instead.

Think counselling may be a good idea to reset your radar so to speak. You don't have to avoid men. Just avoid knobends.

Sparky... One thing that I learnt from the first relationship I had after spliting with my exh was that although I was very good at identifying what I wanted to avoid (exh's negative personality traits), I was totally clueless about identifying new negative traits.

i.e. I knew that I wanted to avoid a self absorbed idiot only willing to talk about his professional achievements but not that it was not cute but controlling to be with a man who claimed to miss me miserably when I wanted to do anything that didn't involve him.

For the next one, just take your time, see how the guy reacts in different circumstances for several weeks, and then, if you still like him then allow yourself to fall in love with him, but always keeping your eyes wide open for "red flags"

Thank you for that Mongolia and Getorf, I always try to see the positive in things and to learn - it's just this time I thought I had.

He's been at a conference all day and I have to see him when he gets back - not looking forward to it.

How many more days of this to go?

I hope he doesn't reappear with more expensive stuff for you.

I am hardly in the position to give advice due to my own rather patchy track record with men however one thing that has never happened to me is being offered or received expensive gifts by a man. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it at all - in fact I am even uncomfortable with someone I am dating paying for meals (although I might let them every now and then due to tight finances but still feel uneasy).

I do remember seeing your earlier threads and it is such an awful shame this has gone tits up but best to get out now.

Poor you. He sounds a rather nasty piece of work.

Make sure you clear internet history as well sparky (don't ask me how).

"And this does not have to be about self respect, in the way that some posters think."

It has been about self-respect (or a lack of it) from the start.

"I'm a sucker for lovely words and thoughtful presents."

Buying you a ticket to Dubai before he'd even met you isn't a "thoughtful present", it's buying a companion for a trip when he doesn't even care who it is.

You seem to be a sucker for a man who is even a little bit nice to you, even though it has been pointed out before that his attentions seemed to be entirely self-serving.

If you can't afford a flight back, then you're going to have to stay, obviously. Mongolia's right though - you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position by being in a foreign country on somebody else's dime when you have no way of extricating yourself if things go wrong.

sparky, come on now love, you are verging a little bit too uncomfortably into self pity

you made a mistake, he is a twunt, you even knew it

you wouldn't have posted your concerns all those months ago if you didn't have a bad feeling about him

you need to trust yourself more, listen to your inner voice and stop listening to silly men who fall in love at the drop of a hat and try to buy your affections

maybe you do need to kiss a few frgs before you find someone decent

but just kiss em, don't start imagining your whole rosy future together so soon (or don't let them try to push you along too quickly)

I won't box your ears if you promise to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting more like your name sparky bint

Thanks AF, I needed that. How can a woman of my age be so naive?? I do feel vulnerable, all these miles away from home and DD but I TRUSTED him. Anyway, he's out now for the evening so I'll just climb into bed and finish my great book and just try to ignore him when he gets in later.

See you later, maybe...

laters...

sparky,

Please tell me you are still not sharing a room with this chump.

I would agree with AF, you certainly do need to trust your own inner voice a lot more than you have done. You see red flags and you ignore them. You have chosen men as potential partners and keep choosing poorly.

Making relationship mistakes with regards to men is okay, this is all part of the learning experience of life but you keep on doing this. This is why you need to look at your own self here. You're not a bad person but its never too late to unlearn crap relationship patterns - patterns that I think have been hardwired into you by having poor previous relationships.

I think you are still stuck on kissing frogs and have never gone beyond that stage, you need to reset that particular radar through counselling. I realise you have been down that route before, time to do so again.

My concern for you is that you will otherwise continue to repeat all of this albeit in different forms and continue to choose men poorly.

Your daughter is also learning from you as her mother about relationships, think about what you are teaching her. BTW what did your parents teach you about relationships?.

sparky - sorry to hear this has gone tits up.... i hope to see you back on the fit and interesting thread rather than the relationships one... you need to be rid of this twunt sharpish.. singledom is better than being with an arse... no matter how good the gifts.

sounds like this ia all about the ex - sounds like he decided to "show her" by finding a new gf really quickly and doing all this great stuff with her to piss off the ex or show her he has moved on/never cared whatever.

You were incidental to proceedings and he resents you for that, and for not being some other perfect non- existent woman.

For GOD'S SAKE woman - will you listen to your instincts!!! You knew all this deep down didn't you? Next time listen to the little voice at the back of your mind. The little voice knows which ones are wrong 'uns!