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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/10/2009 12:28

poor you

bloody facebook again!!

well,to be honest,i'd have packed up his stuff and kicked him out by the time he returns. or have gone myself.

HowlingAtTheMoon · 13/10/2009 12:28

I don't have anything useful to say but my heart goes out to you, what a horrible place to be. I hope you have some good friends and family around you to give you some RL support. Take care of yourself and remember this is not your fault.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 13/10/2009 12:28

My God.

I know what I would do but don't think posting that will help.

Chickenshavenolips · 13/10/2009 12:30

Agree with ILoveTIFFANY. Send a clear message here about your boundaries. Sorry you're going through this.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 13/10/2009 12:30

I would certainly have packed any of his crap up that's there and booted it out on the lawn and changed the locks.

What's his plan then if it doesn't work out for them on this dirty weekend?
Everything carries on as normal?!

Tryharder · 13/10/2009 12:32

No advice really as never been in your situation but hopefully you will have changed the locks by the time he gets home and his stuff put into bin bags on the lawn. He sounds exceptionally callous. Is he really expecting to walk back into your house on his return??

Do you have anyone in RL whom you can turn to? Really feel for you by the way and hope you find the strength to get through this.

InaneHouseholdObject · 13/10/2009 12:32

Goodness me! He cannot leave you hanging, waiting for him. Tell him, if he goes and it doesn't work out you will not be waiting for him. Even what he has done so far is enough for me to think you should pack his bags and drop at this womans door.

mrsboogie · 13/10/2009 12:33

First-ring her husband and tell him.

Second - change the locks.

Third - he is living in a fantasy world - he thinks getting with her will make him feel like he did when he was young. It won't - he will still be the same middle aged idiot.

Four - if she has kids at school he will either have to take them on or she will have to leave them with her husband. Nice.

Five - Tke control - tell him its over and she is welcome to him. Don't let him feel like he has a choice. Let him think he has got himself stuck with her - the stupid lying mare that she is.

Six - Stop beig a doormat and ring her husband!!!

Tryharder · 13/10/2009 12:33

Quite a few crossed posts there all with similar sentiments...

newspaperdelivery · 13/10/2009 12:33

Are you willing to accept him 'home' on Sunday?

Has he not declared his relationship with 'home' over. I think you ned to find the strength and motivation to send the message 'I am worth more than you think. I am worth you making up your mind. I am not on standby for you. I exist in my own right' Even if you feel the total opposite. I would worry this could be still ongoing in a year.

You poor thing - you must be utterly bewildered.

Chickenshavenolips · 13/10/2009 12:35

desolate - hard as it is, hang on to your dignity at all costs. When the dust has settled, you'll be glad that you did. Don't wait around for him, even if you feel like it. He has made his bed, and there is another woman in it. Get angry.

Original poster
desolate · 13/10/2009 12:37

Thank you, everyone.

The flat is rented by the Royal Navy in his name, so it's his flat.

I feel so angry that on the day they first got together, he told me he was off to Portsmouth for a Naval meeting and got me up at 6 to iron his shirts. I hope she liked my ironing.

OP posts:
newspaperdelivery · 13/10/2009 12:38

I think you should feel angry. Let it flow! Yo will need some energy to get through these time, and it can be one way of getting the motivation up.

Git.

GypsyMoth · 13/10/2009 12:40

ok,you're forces.

ssafa will help....you can get re housed.

overmydeadbody · 13/10/2009 12:40

So he has left you! Just like that The cowardly bastard.

So he's spending the next five days shagging his ex in a hotel! Well, I guess at least he didn't try to hide it form you and have a secret affair.

Do not, under any circumstances let him back in on sunday, or make arrangements so you are not there while he packs his stuff and leaves.

Who's house is it? Are you renting or buying? Kids together?

slimeoncrazydemon · 13/10/2009 12:42

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slimeoncrazydemon · 13/10/2009 12:43

This reply has been deleted

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overmydeadbody · 13/10/2009 12:43

Desolate is there someone you can go and stay with while you sort out a new house/flat to live in? Can you have all your stuff pasked up and be out of the flat by sunday so you don;t have to see or deal with him?

Iklboo · 13/10/2009 12:43

1 - ring husband
2 - 'out' them on facebook
3 - Start looking into a flat for you to move into
4 - cut crotch out of all his trousers & underpants
5 - iron his shirts leaving the iron on them long enough to put a burn print on
6 - sew prawns into hems of all curtains

I realise most of the above is likely to be illegal but it might make you feel better just thinking about doing it

Tryharder · 13/10/2009 12:44

If it's his flat rather than yours or shared then obviously that changes things. What's your own financial position, do you work, do you have anywhere to go to and do you have children living with you? Obviously all these things will affect your next move.

I am quite evil so if it were me, I would probably stay put in the flat just to make life difficult for him.

newspaperdelivery · 13/10/2009 12:44

I think prawns in curtain hems is genius btw.

How do you feel about moving out? Are you 'there' yet?

OrmIrian · 13/10/2009 12:45

OMG

Cheeky fecker!

How dare he give it a go and see how he gets on and then come back to you

GypsyMoth · 13/10/2009 12:45

report him to CO...i'm army,don't know naval terminology.

ssafa have a hostel place for relationships breaking up. they realise that his job means the home is his,and you'll be homeless,so these (very nice) places exist. i was in one. got re-housed and you get ALOT of help

wannaBe · 13/10/2009 12:46

don't stick around.

Do you have somewhere to go? I would pack your stuff and move out before he gets back.

Do you know where he is? I would ring her husband and tell him where they are.

HappyHome · 13/10/2009 12:47

I really feel for you.
A similar thing happened to me many years ago. I ended the relationship as soon as I found out. For me it was a trust issue and I know that I would have never been able to trust him again.

Just remember that this isn't your fault, I know that I wondered what I had done wrong -I now know that nothing that I did or could of done would have changed anything.

Sorry that you are going through this.