Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 13/10/2009 15:13

Hey, let's not get snippy with desolate for her choice of words. This has been a big shock, doubt she is ready to move to saying 'ex-partner' straight away.

Desolate, if you are hesitant about asking people for help, don't be. I am guessing from what you've posted that you've done a fair few favours and helped people out in the past. Now is the time to call those in. Ring your friends, siblings, whoever, and say, 'Look, something bad's happened and I really need your help now'. Don't struggle on your own.

And as others have said, you don't have to never see his nieces or grandmother again. He can't stop you and if you have real feelings for them, you can honour those. They will be pleased, I'd think.

mrsjammi · 13/10/2009 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dominique07 · 13/10/2009 15:43

hi desolate, even if you read your title "Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman" you know that something is very very wrong here.

Hope you find strength to get away and start really standing up for yourself. Its nice to look after your partner when he is also looking after you. But if he is not caring about you then you shouldn't care about him - not one bit.

deste · 13/10/2009 16:24

Sorry to hear what has happened to you but you have to get out before he returns. I know you are probably hoping he comes back to you but can you ever trust him again. You will be on edge wondering if he is telling you the truth everytime he leaves the house. What was the situation when you first met him, was he unmarried, married, divorced or separated?

HappyWoman · 13/10/2009 16:34

dont know if anyone has suggested this but what about telling her h.

He has a right to know and at least it will spoil their time together.

When faced with it all she may not want to be 'forced' to be with your partner.

Of course it could all backfire and make them even closer.

Original poster
desolate · 13/10/2009 16:37

He was married for 18 months in his early 20s - his wife left him when he came back from sea - since then he has had relatively long live-in relationships - the last one before me was 6 years. We met when he was 43 and I was 45, we're now 47 and 49. At that point, he had been single for 6 months after his girlfriend ended their relationship.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 13/10/2009 16:39

and all these woman who have ended it with him - are you sure - has he told this woman you have dumped him???

And if you do get rid will he tell future girlfriends you left him (but not tell them why)????

Avendesora · 13/10/2009 17:08

I think he has done this so you will leave with out the bother of a 'discussion', he sounds like a coward who wants an easy life. However, the advice here is good, leave asap and take what you want, especially the computer. Good luck. Once you are safe in your own place I would tell his superiors and her husband.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2009 17:33

I'm just repeating what other have already said at his lack of respect for you. He expects you to wait around as some sort of Plan B?

I realise you must feel as if you've dropped into the Twilight Zone, but do not let this situation continue, it is damaging to your already-fragile self-esteem.

1 Move back to your flat. Start packing now and have everything out before his return. Change the locks on your flat if there is the slightest possibility he still has a key to it.

  1. Consider your finances. Take what is yours out of any joint accounts. Set up new sole accounts if required.
  1. Contact his mother again and say you hope you can still stay in touch with her and the neices as you are fond of them. (It's not his call who you are friends with. If you want to stay in touch, do so. If you don't, don't.)
  1. He may have told you the OW is divorcing, but it is also possible the husband has yet to be informed. If you can find an address/e-mail address for him, a private message would be in order. Think of it as a kindness to him rather than a revenge against ExP (I can see revenge is very far from your nature btw.)
  1. Contact friends and ask for their help to get through this testing time. EightiesChick's wording for looked very good.
  1. Start looking to a future without this soul-sucker. Perhaps arrange a holiday with friends, visit family, redecorate your own flat. Anything that has nothing to do with him or the past four years.
  1. Do not be around on Sunday. Not only should you be moved out of his flat, preferably do not be at yours either, be with friends/family. Be in an internet cafe talking to us!! If you are in your flat, leave the mobile switched off. Do not be available to him. Do not contact him unless neccessary (e.g. for financial untangling).

And be kind to yourself. This is not your fault, and his sense of entitlement should not be confused with actual entitlement. He has treated you shamefully.

OrangeFish · 13/10/2009 17:37

I'm tempted to go a little bit against the tide and tell you... don't leave yet. By that I mean, leave, but leave when you are ready and the time is right not when the guy need you out of the way.

Obviously, this can backfire in many ways but the important thing is for you to start this next step in your life with the right foot, sort your accomodation, photocopy all the important documents, find what to do next and then... jump into it.

If you want to keep your head high just talk to him with the familiarity and detail you talk to to a person you have just met.

surreygirl · 13/10/2009 17:48

So sorry desolate... I was in a very similar position to you in 2000 with my exH.... and best thing I did was a) tell her hubby, b) tell his Mum and sister, c) change the locks, d) empty out the joint account, e) put all his stuff in black bags on the front lawn for the neighbours to gawp at.... f) be strong in front of him...

And I am also still on good terms with my ex MIL and SIL and still see them...though I moved 120 miles away to make a fresh start and it worked well - now I am happily remarried to DH with almost 21 month old DS and never thought life would be as good as it is now.

And my exH is still err playing the field I gather...

Good luck... I'm sure he will sometime try and worm his way back in with you but you hold your resolve... you haven't done anything wrong and deserve so much better... and EightiesChick is so right, you need your friends now so talk to them.. mine kept me sane...

mmmwine · 13/10/2009 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2009 18:21

this man takes despicable behaviour to a whole new level

I am speechless

desolate, if you stay with him you need your fucking head tested, seriously

I have a sneaking suspicion though, that you will still be "with" him for a while longer while he bounces back and forth between you....

catinthehat2 · 13/10/2009 18:46

Before you go, make sure you do all his ironing - you can't leave him high and dry. Shirts, ties, uniform, everything.

But be really careful about the temperature on the iron, don't whatever you do let it overheat, because you could leave little burns on the fronts of shirts and damage the material a bit, so they don't look very nice. And ties look really awful if you iron them flat with nice sharp edges, so don't do that either. And be really careful with uniforms, don't overdo it so you damage the fabric.

Original poster
desolate · 13/10/2009 18:52

He just rang me and yelled at me for calling his relatives and friends and letting them know what has happened. He said that everyone has called him up and said not to worry about it, they all have a bed for him if he needs one.

He said if I can play dirty, so can he.

I feel terrible.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2009 18:57

Desolate

This man you've lived with for the past four years does not have a good track record relationship wise. All he cares about is him and has probably also strung you along these past 4 years.

I hope you care enough for you to disentangle yourself properly from this loser of a man. You do not have to be a doormat, you do have choices.

You're 49; life is by no means over for you yet. You can start again without this person in your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2009 19:01

"He said that everyone has called him up and said not to worry about it, they all have a bed for him if he needs one".

Yes of course they have said this . After all you only have his word for that and he has proven himself to be highly untrustworthy to date. I would not believe a word he utters, he is a waste of space.

Balls to him. Make a new life for yourself without LoserBloke in it. I think he has played far more dirty than you btw; for instance you haven't gone off to stay in a hotel till Sunday with a person of the opposite sex.

diddl · 13/10/2009 19:02

Get out!

And why would he need a bed?

I assume the place you/he lives in is because of his job & he is at no risk of losing it?

Have no more contact.

He is in a hotel with another woman.
He is not worth bothering with anymore.

At all!

Sourdough · 13/10/2009 19:04

I haven't read all five pages, but I imagine they are nearly all in support of you.

Dignity should be your mantra.

Go and don't contact him any more. Console yourself with the fact that he is juvenile in relationships, a quality most unattractive in a 47 year-old man. He won't have many more years getting away with it - the pool gets shallower as he gets older and his new 'friend' probably won't be around that long before it all hits the fan again. He will be lonely and will deserve to be.

diddl · 13/10/2009 19:08

Well, unless he wants to take on his new ladies children, he will end up alone,I should imagine.

FABIsInTraining · 13/10/2009 19:11

You love this man?

You want him back?

If it is yes to those questions just think about this latest offering from him and look at how he is bullying you.

BiteOfFun · 13/10/2009 19:16

He said if I can play dirty, so can he.

So going off to knob some other woman and expecting you to lump it isn't dirty enough?

Where is your anger lovie? You need to find it, and fast.

HappyWoman · 13/10/2009 19:18

so here is dirty
Post the hotel and if you know it the room number (phone the hotel so you know which room he is in).
Then we can phone and leave lots of messages - maybe even disturb him most of the night.

He is angry and threatening you because he has lost the control over you - somethings are now out of his hands.

And so what if his relatives have said there is a bed for him - really would you expect anything else. But like someone else said - you only have his word for it.

And as for throwing you out if you tell her h - if you have already gone how can he.

Stay strong - you have done nothing wrong at all.

FABIsInTraining · 13/10/2009 19:21

What about cancelling his hotel booking??

BiteOfFun · 13/10/2009 19:29

The OP doesn't sound malicious or devious for any of theses things, but I do think she should let the husband know- it's not at all fair that he be kept in the dark like this, and it would be kindest to tell him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread