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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/10/2009 19:34

His relatives have only said there's a bed for him because they recognise his behaviour has been so awful, he deserves to be thrown out. Military home or not.

mrsboogie · 13/10/2009 19:38

so he's annoyed you told people - good - that's one little fly in the ointment of their sleazy deceitful little get together. This woman who he has gone off with is lying to her own children and risking their happiness -it sounds like they deserve each other.

For god's sake phone her husband - he deserves to know what she is doing.

HappyWoman · 13/10/2009 19:38

I would have to tell her husband - get someone to tell him enough details so he can find out.

Would also have to cause as much chaos for his life.

I would be getting as much info as possible now too - credit cards and things - maybe not use them but knowlege is power and in those dark times it is good to feel you could do some damage if you wanted too .

Get his mobile number published somewhere so he gets a load of calls - i knew someone who advertised a car at a very very cheap price - this poor chap got so many calls on the days it was in the paper it really did make his work hard that day .

Actually i am a nice person but i like to think if i was treated like that again i would have a few tricks up my sleeve.

LolaAnn · 13/10/2009 19:54

Desolate. Please if you are too scared to tell the husband, I will (Serious)

Honey, what on earth. He thinks you are playing dirty? That is not dirty. That is normal, self-respecting behaviour. I hope you told him to f**k off when he called. I'm sorry but it sounds like he knows exactly how to walk over you, so do yourself a favour and just don't answer his calls/hang up on him from now on.

PerryPlatypus · 13/10/2009 19:56

If the relatives were all so supportive of him then why is he angry that you told them about his sleazy little affair?

He's talking out of his arse.

TeamEdward · 13/10/2009 19:58

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LunaticFringe · 13/10/2009 20:00

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ellieloooooooooooooween · 13/10/2009 20:37

Poor you this man has treated you really badly, dont you feel bad for telling his mum. I agree with the others though in fact it was my first thought when I started reading your first post, def tell her husband if you can and move into your flat before he gets back. Can I ask if he is going on this little jaunt to see how they get on then coming back to you on Sunday? I am sorry but he sounds like a right bastard (and I rarley swear on MN)
My SIL found out her DH was having an affair and she phoned the womans DH but on that occasion it was a one off still very upsetting for my SIL and our family though, I know I view him in a diff light so I dont know how she must cope with it.

OrmIrian · 13/10/2009 21:13

How does he dare get angry with you? From a hotel room where he's shacked up with another woman.

Have you moved out yet?

mrsboogie · 13/10/2009 21:19

Yes, if you don't want to do it - someone on here will! (tell the husband I mean)

Doodleydoo · 13/10/2009 21:28

Desolate - I haven't had a chance to read all the posts but I want to reassure you that at 50 you are not old and do not have to stand from this crap. He is obviously and insecure silly twat who wants his cake and wants to eat it.
Contact the husband, he may know something is up, tell everyone you know what a lying cheat this git is and then get as far away as possible.
Nearing the 5 0 mark, you must have great friends who will support and love you, please tell everyone how much of pillock he is and then move onwards and upwards. I know at the moment it feels like the bottom has fallen out of your world but give it a bit of time and you will get over him I promise. plesae have the self respect to see what this guy has done to you. Life alone has to be better than life being treated like shit by someone who thinks he is in love with someone else.
I really feel for you and the pain you are going through.

BTW mustard seed on a wet carpet with the heating up will do the trick - less messy than prawns

Doodleydoo · 13/10/2009 21:31

Re ringing - oh fuck that - they are all welcome to him if he wants to go and stay there. DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE. sorry to be shouty.

I am so horrified and distressed for you!

WickedWench · 13/10/2009 21:51

I assume the OW will now be bricking it as to whether you have or are about to ring her husband. I do hope so! Bet that's a passion killer.

He is a twat and you can do so much better.

CheeeseOnToast · 14/10/2009 08:03

how are you today desolate?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 14/10/2009 08:05

Desolate. How are you doing today?

Original poster
desolate · 14/10/2009 08:12

Thank you so much, everyone.

CoT and NSF - thank you for asking. Not much better. I feel literally very shaky and my head aches as if I've got flu. I got about three hours sleep scattered throughout the night. I was awake at 3.45 and distraught and spoke to the Samaritans for a while. There's no-one else I can call at 3.45 a.m.

At a time when I need to be full of energy and busy, I'm poleaxed and can hardly move.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 14/10/2009 08:22

that is a normal reaction to what you are going through. It is tough - try not to think too far ahead - just do a little. And if you can do something nice for you.

How about phoning some friends and see if you can get some support. That lonely feeling is the worst.

Your love for this man will not just disappear and you will probably be wanting him to come home and say it was all a dream. He has no idea how you feel and probably will come home on sunday and try and talk you to putting up with his dreadful treatment of you.

Keep a diary of your thoughts if you can and then you can look back and see just how terrible he is being to you and also you will be able to see what progress you make.

ssd · 14/10/2009 08:31

you'll find your strength, just give it time

Original poster
desolate · 14/10/2009 09:34

Thank you all so much.

One of the things which I found so painful was his mum ringing me back yesterday evening. During the day, he'd rung her for a long talk and so her point of view had changed.

She started by saying that she and N's stepdad understood how difficult this was, as they had both experienced the same thing.
I said that it upset me that the woman was married and had kids and she said

"Well, sometimes the love of one's life arrives in a form which isn't really ideal and if she is perfect for Neil, as he says, then who are we to argue? They are just at the beginning of their relationship, so he needs time to see how it is going to go".

She then said

"This is perhaps the right time then for you both to go your separate ways".

N has handled it perfectly. Strike hard, strike quick, then get the hell out while the dust settles. It really hurts that he arranged it all so that he didn't have to witness my distress. I guess it's cleaner that way - do it, bugger off while she does her crying, have a good time while you're away then come back to a situation which has been resolved exactly as you wanted it but with minimal input from you.

OP posts:
RealityBites · 14/10/2009 09:39

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mrsjammi · 14/10/2009 09:42

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abedelia · 14/10/2009 09:49

"They are just at the beginning of their relationship, so he needs time to see how it is going to go"

Well, feck me, if that is the attitude his mother has to her indulged little prince after he has behaved like a total whatsit, then I have no doubt as to where his personality problems and attitude come from. Clearly she has never taught him respect for another person's feelings and that she'll side with him whatever. Christ, if he was up on a violent murder charge she'd probably be there in court offering him a lovingly baked fruit cake to take to the cells ''cos he's still my boy'. Ugh. You are well out of it, dysfunctional bunch.

WartoScreamo · 14/10/2009 09:50

OMG - his MOTHER said that to you! After a four year relationship! It seems clear to me where he got this idea he can do no wrong came from . The bitch!

You need to take action. Can you get back to your flat easily. Does he know the address? Is there anyone who can help you? I would be clearing out bank accounts and packing up everything I could carry. If I was nearby I would offer to come and help you pack!

And I would def, def be telling the husband what is going on. I wouldn't recommend FB announcements as there are dcs involved though. Don't waste any more tears on this bastard! You have done nothing wrong and he WILL get his comeuppance.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2009 10:05

You made one phone call, to his mother, and then ALL his relatives call him? So his mother spread the word pretty fast. He then had a long conversation with his mother (I'm guessing she phoned him not vice versa). He appears to have brought her round to his way of thinking, but give her the benefit of the doubt for a mo, she could still be shocked and not wanting to believe it of him - after all, even now I think you don't want to believe it yourself, do you Desolate? The same cannot be true of his other relatives, unless he's spending all his time away on his tryst fighting a rearguard action by phone. I do hope so, that would be such a passion killer.

His mother is right in one respect - "This is perhaps the right time then for you both to go your separate ways". His way is to hell, and your way is out of that flat to your own place and as far from this narcissistic fuckwit as possible.

I can see you're resistant to the idea of moving out because you see that as giving him what he wants as cleanly as possible. That is not the case. I rather expect he is looking forward to coming back and making you plead and jump through hoops. What an anticlimax it will be to come back to an empty, empty flat and not even be able to make you take his calls (do not answer the phone - let it ring, 1471 and only call back if it's not his number). He will find not being paid attention to very hard to take.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2009 10:16

Oh, and I agree with OldLadyKnowsNothing - if relatives have told him they have a bed for him, it is because they regard his behaviour of worthy of being thrown out. I mean really, if they've called him in response to his mother calling them in response to you calling her - well, it's really not to congratulate him is it? Nor have they been indifferent to his behaviour, or they wouldn't have bothered calling him at all. That only leaves calling him to tell him he's a tosser. I do hope he's from a big family.