Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

Best advice from Iklboo there. What a prize prick.

Can I ask if he has always been like this because this seems to be a man with a huge sense of entitlement, I can't believe he got you up to do his ironing, I think that would piss me off the most I really do.

If it were me he would not come back through the door and I would stay in that flat until I had sorted myself out. I would not be rushed by him, the navy or anyone.

Tell your family and friends, you will need them. Remember this says more about him than it does about you. He is a twunt.

as its Navy,he will be the one with rights.....she can't prevent him re-entering. unless he agrees to move onto barracks,but you would need to make a fuss with his employers.

Poor you! What a horrible shock! And what a complete bastard he is! . Is there anywhere you can go until you get yourself together.

Desolate, I'm really sorry, what an awful situation to find yourself in. I can't believe his cheek really. The bastard.

To be frank, I wouldn't care if it's his flat. Kick him out and let him worry about finding a place to live until you are rehoused.

Best of luck with this.

When he told you that he and her were going to this hotel, did he seem to care about how you would react to it? Or not? It sounds as if not. In which case, I'm with many of the others ? leave his packed bags on the front door step and change the locks. Get out before your heart gets more broken.

But if he seemed to have genuine remorse but seems as if he as fallen in love, well, you'll have to let him go.

But you need to take care of yourself and not hold on to something that you don't have the power to keep with you. If he wants you, he'll come back to you, and I think he should understand that you might need him to leave if he is going to behave like this.

Save yourself further pain.

He said that if I phoned her husband he would throw me out as soon as he got back. As it is, I don't know the guy's number. I feel for him, too, thinking his wife is off with her friends.

I have a little flat elsewhere to which I could go. I could pack up my main stuff if I needed to.

It's just the shock and the pain and the disbelief. I'm just getting from hour to hour. It's only a few hours since he kissed me and walked out of the door. I didn't make his breakfast though.

I hate the way she can click her fingers and he comes like a spaniel.

OMG!!

What is there to say except how on earth are you coping?

Is he thinking that he will come back Sunday, & either leave you as things have gone well, or want to work things out with you if it hasn´t worked out with her?

I´m both and [angry} for you.

If possible, and if it´s what you want, I would just walk away now.

Would also be v tempted to tell the other husband.

He sounds a bastard.

Have you any money - or access to any? You need to empty all funds you can lay your hands on. IMO.

HAs he got you mixed up with a housekeeper? He seems to think you are hired help or something!?

OMG! You poor thing. I don't believe that he has the audacity to do this.

Hes bascially hoping you'll stick around as his Plan B if Plan A doesn't work out, isn't he?

You are better than this.

Take this time to sort out your move forwards (the forces hostel that someone mentioned sounds like a good first step until you find your feet)

He kissed you before he left??

Well, you should be leaving anyway so I wouldn't be worrying about him throwing you out...

It should be easy enough to find her husband - presumably this woman is on facebook? so find her on there then find her husband who will presumably have the same surname as him and send him a message on fb. Then pack your bags and leave.

Oh and take everything with you that isn't bolted down and that doesn't belong to the navy ie crockery, cutlery, the duvet....

He is threatening YOU?! OMFG. There are no words for this kind of bastard, really there aren't. You will be so much better off away from this vile piece of excrement. You might find it hard to see it now, but trust me, you really will. Do not go along with his plans. However brittle you feel inside, show him steel. And I know this isn't allowed on MN, but feck it

not a passionate kiss, a peck
on the lips

Woah - he threatened to kick you out if you told the husband???

DEFINITELY with the prawns m'dear - and haddock under the carpets. Smoked haddock. Turn the heating up full blast and move out

Pack your things and go.

Out him on facebook.

Out him to his CO.

He's a maasive bastard. You don't deserve any of this - you need to get yourself to a place he can't reach, and take care of yourself properly.

in fact, even if you can't find the husband, I would text him and tell him you've found him and told him. There will be no way of them finding out if you really have without giving the game away herself. And even if she doesn't mention it, she will be left wondering whether he knows/when he is going to bring it up...

like a kiss for a faithful old labrador when he's on his way to see a racy french poodle

But still. What the hell was he thinking? Please rope in some help and get yourself distanced from him. I would normally agree with others to stay put but as he's navy I guess that's not possible. Please take your stuff and go to your flat or a friend and do not let this man control you. ((hug))

Aside from how much of a bastard he has been over this it also seems from the other things you've said that he expects you to wait on him hand and foot so I think in the long run you are better off without him but it won't seem like that now.

So sorry he has done this to you. You deserve better. There's no way on this earth I would get up to iron at 6am not for any man!

OK, I think you definitely need to move out and into your own flat. You should take everything which is yours, or which you bought together, and leave him nothing which is not specifically his or the navy's/landlord's.

I expect you're still thinking this is all just a bad dream, or some bizarre mistake, and not real.

I don't know whether men like this ever wake up and realise what idiots they've been and come grovelling back - but if he does do that, then you need to not be waiting for him in the flat as if its all ok. You nee to be busy living your own life without him. If there is any possibility of rebuilding the relationship (and I don't know if there is, after he trested you this way) then it would need to be completely rebuilt from the ground up, with no assumptions about how he can treat you.

You're heart broken aren't you? Bless you. I'd have been inclined to bite his nose off had he come near me, but that isn't everyones response to such a trauma.

Be kind to yourself, but you are going to have to hustle a bit, sooner or later. You cannot let him do this to you.

ALways imagine you have a daughter. Imagine a little girl on her first day of school, pristine tights nad shiny shoes. With parents planning a huge happy life for her. This is not what you would consider good enough for that little girl.

Well thats you. Remember this is not good enough.

No way would I want to have him back after this.

You say you have a little flat? If I were you I would spend the time he is away packing up everything that is yours or to which you feel reasonably entitled. Make sure you have your finances sorted out separately - no joint accounts or debts, and walk away. Don't even offer him an explanation. Just go. You deserve so much better than this.

desolate, how can he still be calling the shots in spite of what he has done? Ie telling you he would throw you out as soon as he got back if you told her husband. How dare he be placing restrictions on you like that. Good grief I would be scorching the earth making it my mission to let her husband know if I had been told that.

Move out double quick, DO NOT be there when he comes back and do whatever it takes to tell her husband what is going on. Why should they both get away with it while crapping all over you.

Do you know what I would send a Round Robin on Facebook so everyone knew. I think I know how you are feeling. Scared that if you do anything too extreme then there will be no hope at all for the two of you. You have to see that this is already the case. He has shown you a complete lack of respect he does not value you. Nothing you do from here in can make this situation worse for yourself. I feel so bad for you.

Also, can you make sure he has no key to the flat-is it just yours?