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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 13/10/2009 13:40

desolate, you've made his life your life. Do you not have any nieces and nephews of your own? What about your parents, are they still around? Do you have any siblings?

You need to get your own set of friends and your own life.

Where do you live? If you live near me I'll take you out sometime. There are local mumsnet meet-ups that happen and a Christmas one, but that's probably too big for you.

Join a club, take up a nightcourse - free if you're on benefits. Get out there and meet people.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 13/10/2009 13:43

Well done on speaking to his mum. You obviously are beginning to assert yourself.

Sunfleurs · 13/10/2009 13:44

Tell EVERYONE desolate, but mostly please tell her husband. You may not feel like it now but when this is all done and dusted you will be proud that you did something and didn't just sit there and take it.

Fraochsmum · 13/10/2009 13:49

Desolate and loughtongirl, I really can't say how sorry I am to hear your news.
Similar happened to me nearly 3 years ago - I walked in on ex-h having sex on a couch with a girl we were staying the night with. He said he hadn't been happy for "ages" (no specifics, I made him miserable, he already classed our 2 year marriage as over. I knew nothing of this before and felt like I had been slapped all over I was so stunned.
He kicked me out of our house 2 weeks later, still no more explanation but generally treating me like crap. I went to a lawyer, despite his suggestions to sit round a table with his parents and work out a settlement. After a year and a half I got my divorce and what I believed I had invested in our relationship and home in all the time we were together.
This short time on I have met a wonderful man who loves me greatly, have just bought a house together, expecting our first child, and will be married in a few weeks! At the time I never would have believed this possible, and I felt 'stunned' for a good few months. What really helped was having my family and friends as support. Trying to eat can also be very difficult, but just take what you can, when you can.
I also think your best bet is to go to your flat and move out before he comes back. It is difficult to say whether or not to tell her husband, but it could be good for your esteem to do as wannabe suggested. FB probably not a good idea, and you don't want anything to make it harder for you if you do go down the diverce route.
I wish you both all the very best, and be assured that things definitely do get better x

OrmIrian · 13/10/2009 13:52

What amazes me is the sense of entitlement that you see again and again in these threads. Men and women who cause such hurt and confusion, and then have the nerve to be demanding and angry, as if they have somehow been the ones damaged

gingerkirsty · 13/10/2009 13:55

If you want to tell her husband, you could do it via a private message on facebook - so not public.

Good luck.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2009 13:57

Well done on phoning his mum and telling her - you're not playing this little game of his where he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. I can see that it is difficult for you, but you need to be proactive in this. You are not his property, to be picked up and put down at will. You are a separate human being who deserves to be treated properly.

Now think what your next step will be. Telling your friends and family? Packing a few things to start moving to your flat? Letting the officials there know about the situation (sorry I don't know the proper term, but presumably you have some sort of contact person for family issues?)

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/10/2009 13:58

He is an absolute disgrace, and hear hear to Rhubarb's wise words. You do need to stop enabling him to behave like an arse. What on earth was he doing giving you a kiss goodbye as he walked out the door to his new girlfriend? I would have given him a scottish kiss in return.

Get the hell out of that flat and take charge of your own life. yes it is a shame about his nieces etc but dear god you need to start thinking about bigger things than relationships with members of your cheating husband's family now.

You life seems to have been all about him. You really do need to take charge of your own future.

Loads of posts above are bang on. Yes, loads of us have been in your boat, and have looked at our lives in despair when some demon bloke has done the dirty. I personally never thought I could move on when my XP buggered off out of it leaving me with a 4 month old baby. Things do get better. But you also need to change.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/10/2009 14:00

And also yet another thread with trouble caused by fricking Facebook. Source of all that is evil in the world, imo.

SkaterGrrrrl · 13/10/2009 14:01

Just to say my mum just left my stepfather after 30 years marriage - she is sick of his cheating ways. She is starting over at 60 which is very brave but she says she feels as if the world is off her shoulders.

Get out, start over, you can do it.

You have 10 years on my mum and many more years to be happy. You deserve to be happy.

Rhubarb · 13/10/2009 14:03

Ah not FB getoifmoiland, but the users of FB. Presumably they were bastards before the advent of FB too, this situation would have happened sooner or later.

2rebecca · 13/10/2009 14:04

Why do you still describe him as your partner? He's surely now your expartner? See a solicitor. Sad but this relationship is finished. It sounds as though he is ready to move on and you've been trying to fix something he has no interest in fixing recently rather than having some self respect and kicking him out.

OrangeFish · 13/10/2009 14:06
Shock
OrangeFish · 13/10/2009 14:07

She is still calling her her partner because this has just happened, change requests to terminology department take a while to be processed. Cut her some slack, be kind to her, she is still very likely to be in shock.

OscarByTheSea · 13/10/2009 14:10

"I feel so angry that on the day they first got together, he told me he was off to Portsmouth for a Naval meeting and got me up at 6 to iron his shirts. I hope she liked my ironing."

Ironing? I'd be tempted to iron his face

2rebecca · 13/10/2009 14:11

I would have left him to tell his mum. I think you've made life easy for him by telling her yourself. When I left my first husband telling my parents was extremely hard. If my exhusband had done it for me it would have been much easier. I suppose as you're not married and still have your own flat she might not have found out for a while if you hadn't said anything.

Sunfleurs · 13/10/2009 14:15

"I'd have been inclined to bite his nose off had he come near me, but that isn't everyones response to such a trauma."

Sorry but that made me giggle so much.

Desolate just please, please do not sit around waiting for him to realise what a shit he is, he just won't and you are in line for much more hurt while waiting for it. I think this is why you don't want to rock the boat, you are hoping that he wills see the error of his ways, believe me he is too far gone.

As for his family, why on earth would that be the last time you would see them? You can have your own relationship with them that is not entwined with his.

I feel so sad for you but you can pick yourself up from this I promise you. You really can.

Rhubarb · 13/10/2009 14:22

I'm hoping that you'll take some of this information on board.

Local Mumsnet meet-ups

CAB they give online advice, or you can ring them or visit your local branch. They'll help you work out what benefits you are entitled to.

Dumped website support, for moral boosting and a feeling that you are not alone, also gives practical advice.

Night courses for helping to you get out there and get your confidence back.

Counselling to help you get back on your feet and change the way you see yourself.

OscarByTheSea · 13/10/2009 14:25

Desolate. I hope you're ok.

Morloth · 13/10/2009 14:41

What a shit.

Move out while he is gone, turn the fridge off at the wall.

FABIsInTraining · 13/10/2009 14:54

What did his mum say?

Expect some stroppy messages off him as no doubt she will call him.

Poohbearsmom · 13/10/2009 15:04

This should not happen to anyone, ever... Im very sad for you and i really hope you have the strength to pick urself up and leave this abusive man... Because his treatment of u is abuse. You do not deserve it, noone does. Please do not let him keep adding to your hurt. Have strength.

anonymous85 · 13/10/2009 15:05

You seem so calm about it! Not much anger or rage i'd be going mad!!!

So he thinks he can ggive you a quick kiss then go off have a go with her for a few days see how it goes then you'll still be there if it's not all that.

Do you think you will take him back?

Are you going to leave?

You can do so much better hun, don't let him have his way like this. I can't believe how he went about it, still in shock

Original poster
desolate · 13/10/2009 15:10

She seemed very surprised by my call - not that I rang her, because I do now and then, normally to ask about birthday presents and plants and general stuff - but by the content. I got the impression that she expected to have been given an inkling in advance that something like this was about to happen, but she seemed genuinely shocked. I think that N was keeping it all hush hush because his Mum is a practising Christian and wouldn't approve of him having an affair with a married woman with children. I suspect that N wanted to progress the thing until Christmas then present the woman and her kids as his Christmas surprise - look, new grandkids!

I didn't keep her talking for too long, to be honest. I got the impression she needed to tell N's stepdad what she had just heard.

She said God Bless as I rang off.

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 13/10/2009 15:12

Let's hope that means she will be supportive.