Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

you definately need to give him space to think things over this will be very hard for you but on the flip side it should make things easier for you as it will make things harder for you to see him..

If you try to see him to much he make feel suffocated... if you dont see him he may miss you and have secind thoughts

Be kind to yourself and cry if you want to

I was devastated when ex dumped me but time really does heal and it does get easier...

Thank you JustAbout and Cheeky. Cheeky, this is what I've decided to do. I'm not going to text him or contact him and see what happens. How long did it take for you to start feeling better after you split from your ex. Very sorry by the way - I know how crap it feels.

Sounds like he´s got someone else, tbh.

He loves you & wants to be with you or he doesn´t.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Not sure how old you both are,but if after a year he doesn´t want to commit, I´d say you´re on to a loser.

Diddl we are in our 40s. I asked him if he's got someone else and he says categorically no. I have been thinking about what you've said and I feel that way too. If he loves me he would know it but I guess I'm not in his head and he is still unsure. I do think he would tell me it was completely over if he felt that way. He is very honest, sometimes brutally so.

Guess I'm gonna be on my own forever as I don't think I could ever trust another man as even if they seem genuine they never turn out to be. What a mess.

it is hard to say how long it took and the relationship was longer and he is dd dad...

i would say a few months to stop feeling totally awful and wanting to beg him back (which i did many times and really wish i hadnt) and prob a year to really feel myself again

I find realtionships really hard now... have been seeing a bloke very casually for about 9 months.. he told me at the beginning he didnt want a relationship and that just makes me feel that i am not good enough for him.. but i am my own worse enemy as i continue to see him

Cheeky I understand why you are still seeing him - I think! It's lonely being on your own and it's good to have someone to cuddle and physical contact. That's what I miss the most when I'm on my own.

I have resigned myself to the fact that it's not going to work out because I don't want to have false hope in case it doesn't happen. Still can't believe his feelings could change so quickly. We weren't even having any problems - we were really happy. It's this that I find the hardest thing to come to terms with. I just don't understand. Did your ex leave you for someone else or just left you? Sorry, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to!

I never even asked him if there was anyone else as i really and truly trusted him 100%
he just said he wanted us to have a break from each other..

Turned out he had met someone else to whom he is now married and had children with

OMG Cheeky that must have hurt like mad. Maybe my xp has met someone else after all. I wouldn't be surprised.

How long was it before you found out about the other woman?

It´s obviously up to you if you still see him, but I would be prepared for him to really only want to be friends.

If it´s really not happening, it might be better to make a clean break.

I was in a similar situation.

Still, loved me,didn´t want to hurt me, blah blah..

In my case was being strung along in case it didn´t work out with new girlfriend.

At least he was "decent" enough to stop having sex with me when he started with her!

But everyone was amazed.

He really was the last bloke you would have thought capable of it.

That he doesn;t love you enough to move in with you or marry you doesn't make him a bad person. That he's had the guts to admit it, and try to be as kind about it as possible, makes him an unusually ethical one. Plenty of people will bumble along in a relationship while perfectly aware that this person is not True Love material but the relatinship will do for the time being. These 'inertia' relationships can bumble along for years, and then the less-keen partner either meets someone else and departs, or suddenly realised that s/he is wasting his/her life coupled to a person to whom s/he is pretty much indifferent.
i appreciate that this is horrible for you right now, OP, but it will hurt less in the long run than if he had moved in with you and then dumped you a few years down the line, or if you'd had DC together.

It happened end of jume and didnt find out til the september..

Despite his waffle, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Sorry to be harsh, but I am just saying what he hasn't got the balls to say.

A lot of men are terrified of women crying so will say whatever nice things they think will stop this happening.

This leads to them being not clear and saying contradictory things like 'I love you' but 'don't want to be with you.'

Which makes it harder for you accept the situation and then move on. Its a rubbish thing, but true in a lot of situations.

You will feel better in time. Try looking at Paul McKenna's book 'I can mend your broken heart'. Its got some great tips which might move you through this horrible grieving stage than little bit quicker.

You WILL feel better soon and you DO deserve a man who totally loves you.

Diddl and SolidGhoul thanks for your advice - it makes a lot of sense. Diddl sorry for what happened to you - it's so sodding hurtful.

So hard to understand how things can go wrong like this when we were really happy - that's the bit I struggle with. He knows I would never hurt him or go off with someone else like all his other partners have. Why is that kindness and decency not enough?? Maybe he would have loved me better if I'd been a bitch to him. Who knows but it's not in my makeup to behave like that.

Do you think there's any chance that if I give him some space he may miss me and realise what he's throwing away? Or am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

Thanks Duke - will go out and get that book. Anything that eases this horrible time will be good.

Lambypoo: sorry but He's Just Not That Into You. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or you did anything wrong. It just means that he doesn't love you enough to want to marry or live with you, and has had the decency to pull the plug now rather than drifting along until he meets someone he likes better.
Of course it hurts, no one likes to be dumped, but unfortunately there is no really good way to dump someone who is more in love than the dumper is: whatever you say or do, the fact remains that a person has been dumped and it can't be made less upsetting by anything other than time.

Things are fine for me.

I´m settled with children.

As for my ex, she cheated on him from day one.

They have children but are not together.

Perhaps he´s scared of commiting since he has a broken marriage.

I suppose I feel it odd that someone in ther 40s would wait years before moving in.

I don´t want that to sound offensive.

I know all people are different.

I was in my 30s when I met my husband, & I knew fairly quickly that I wanted to marry him.
I also knew that if he didn´t ask me before 6months were up, I wouldn´t "waste" any more time on him.

But yes, I agree with SGB.

Rather now than after marriage &/or children.

SGB your post was harsh but probably true. It did make me cry though. I swear I'll never trust another man again. Only two weeks ago he told me he would never hurt me and that he wanted to be with me. What the hell happened? We've been making plans for half term and Christmas. I can't think of an explanation for this and I can't stop crying. I don't know how I'm going to adapt to life without him. Everything reminds me of him in the house and out, music, places. I found his shirt in my wash basket yesterday and just sobbed. We had our future planned out only very recently and then overnight it's wiped out completely. How am I going to come to terms with that kind of rejection? I feel deceived like I was the one living a lie. I can't stop crying.

Please someone come and talk to me. I feel like crap.

so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. it is shit and horrible but it will get better.

what can you do right now? either something to completely wallow - because that might be the only thing you can do - or something to take your mind off things. put on music, watch crap telly, try and get some sleep.

Oh Lambypoo, it is a miserable thing to happen. It's perfectly understandable that you feel like crap now, but it will ease, gradually. Right now, just be kind to yourself, eat nice things, call up friends and plan enjoyable things to do, etc. And there's always MN for online sympathy and empathy.

I know that it is very painful at the moment but I hope that you can see in due course that the right man would have stayed.
It is wise not to trust men implicitly but in time you will find love again.
Mabe he is freaked out by the abusive relationship going on between you and your ex? It sounds like you need to sort things out with your ex and try to reach some kind of truce before you can move foward with your relationships. If your ex is really abusive mabe it's wise to cut contact all together and get a mediator for your dc.
Try to nurture yourself. Have some long, hot baths, go on some walks, eat chocolate, meet friends, go out for a night, go shopping. Whatever it takes.
Men are funny beans. Always saying one thing and doing another. I have given up on them in a serious sense and I can no longer take them seriously. It helps the pain a bit. I feel like they use me for amusement so I shall do the same to them. Sorry can't be much help. hugs.

So sorry youre going through this. I am on a more long term basis. Please get all the support you can -make plans to spend time with supportive family and friends. I sleep with the kids sometimes to get some comfort (they love it) Do tell people that you are having a tough time. Plan to meet up with people. Could anyone stay with you at times to be a presence there in the house for you.