Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

Explains a few of my being dumped experiences! I am happily married now.

Chunky, sorry to hear about your car and the other confidential thing. I always worry about those kind of things but they normally don't come to anything much. Not good timing on the car though before Xmas.

Donttouch that is very illuminating and quite scary. I admire your honesty though and it explains a lot.

MonkeyFace it sounds like you've been through hell. Was it out of the blue? So glad you've found yourself a lovely new man. How did you meet him? For some reason I now seem to be unable to cry - I dont know why. I want to but then it's too painful and I stop myself. Keep checking my mobile thinking he's going to see the error of his ways and come back when he realises what he's giving up. For god's sake only one week before he did this he was talking about living with me. Not the first time he'd done that either. I miss him so so much every minute of the day. It still feels like part of me is missing. I go between thinking it's for the best and then panicking and missing him so much it hurts. It's horrible. Don't want to go back home to face all the other crap but know I have to.

Thanks once again all for your support.

Lamby you are echoing (sp?) my feelings exactly. My heart leaps when I get a text message then sinks when it's not from him and just about every damn thing I do right now has links to something WE did and that starts the tears again. Music is a definite no-go area at the moment and I felt sick when a man stood next to me in the supermarket queue with the same "smell" - and don't even go there with seeing the same model/colour car driving past! Feel like a lovestruck teenager 30 years too late. Know it's irrational behaviour but can't help it and have to get through another day, then another and one day it won't hurt so much.

EastMids I could have written your post. Just about everything, smells, some songs, places we went together, restaurants, and the car thing. I see his car everywhere I go and it's hell. Clothes I wear too - oh that was the top I wore when we first met. Can't look at that roadside restaurant because we went in there twice on our way to my parents.

I read somewhere that it is a good idea to reinvent your own memories for places etc so that they no longer have the same connection.

EastMids if you don't mind me asking, what is your story? How long has it been for you?

The loneliness of knowing I can't just call him for support and can't touch him anymore is too much to bear sometimes. Having a bad evening tonight with it and I know this is very sad but I found a pair of his socks the other day (clean - I washed them) and I have them next to me now. God that's pathetic. I so badly want a cuddle.

Sorry I'm not helping you am I!

Hang on in there, it's getting a tiny tiny bit easier I think.

hi lambypoo so sorry for what your going through the same thing happened to me about 3 years ago. i was with him for 10years and lived with him but when i got home all his belongings were gone. i know how you feel and can only say time is a great healer. just give him a bit of time and he will contact you if he wants to and maybe by the time he does you may not want him to. so sorry

TeaTank sorry that you had to go through that after 10 years. What a total coward to do that after being together so long. What were his reasons? Did he contact you again? As you say,I have decided not to contact him at all and see what happens. I still have hope in my heart though but just need to keep a check on it.

I hope it was a happy ending for you.

omg ladies no man is worth this grief!

Ninah I know you're right but that doesn't change feelings.

How are you doing now? Have you come to terms with your split? If you have can I have some tips please!

when he left i didnt ring him i just tried my best to keep myself busy and put it behind me. he eventually turned up 2 months later. we got back together eventually but i no longer see him as the same person. before we broke up we were going through fertility treatment and he said it all got too real for him and he got scared. we are still together and have a little boy. people may think am a fool but you cant help who you love

TeaTank I don't think you're a fool. It's sad to hear you say that what happened changed your feelings towards him. I mean sad for you as it sounds like it's hung over your relationship ever since.

Are you happy now?

yes i am very happy now. i have a lovely little boy. i love my boyfriend to bits but i never thought he was capable of being as cold as he was. i misjudged him.

My X went out one night when I was 8 months pregnant and didn't return. I didn't even receive any communication from him for a week. It's horrific, an extremely painful and confusing ending to a relationship.

There is a future, you will be ok. You'll be better than ok!

FWIW, to this day (nearly 2 years on) my X still begs for us to be together. I hold my head high and say 'no thanks!'.

You might grieve for your X presently, still experiencing the feelings towards him that are bound up in your relationship that was but at some point, I'm sure the creeping understanding that in reality he's a cruel and spineless bastard will help you to overcome your pain.

Morning Lamby - well it helps me to know that I'm not the only emotional wreck out there, devastated by sentimental stuff. 9 months down the line, at least I can joke about it!

I kept a T shirt with that "familiar smell" on it in my bed for ages and it was 6 months before I could bear to take his toothbrush and shaving stuff out of the bathroom. I have avoided places we went together and stick to busy towns/city life. We spent a lot of time in the country or south coast and the thought of walking the dog along those footpaths alone, when normally we'd be kicking the autumn leaves and messing around like kids, is just too much right now.

Not sure how you re-invent memories ??? but I have read that the first 12 months is the worst because you have so many anniversaries etc to deal with and it's the "this time last year" scenario that is soooo painful.

I miss the everyday normal stuff and support, knowing that someone out there is actually on your side and with whom you can just be yourself, no pretence.

My way of getting through will not suit everyone, especially those who were in "bad" relationships, but I will survive and I know I have the capacity to love. So do you. Remember that and also, in a perverse way, isn't it better to have known love and lost it, rather than never experienced loving at all?

Hope this doesn't sound too slushy - I'm actually a fairly grounded, positive person

Hi all.

I remember my self esteem plummeting after relationships ending, earlier on dontouch mentioned "it's not you, it's me" is nearly always the case. Better times are ahead.

I think personality has alot to do with whether men stay with their partners - some people have to keep moving on and no matter how perfect their partner may be for them, it is in their makeup to dump and run, there's not the capacity there to commit to anyone for life.

How are you Lamby? n a more cheerful note I am able to pick up my new car tomorrow, so have transport again!

Glad to hear your car's sorted Chunky. How's the other stuff going?

Eco how terrible that he left when you were 8 month's pregnant. What was his reason? How strong are you to still say no you don't want him back.

EastMids I feel the same about every day stuff. It's a nightmare. I so want to call him but know i mustn't. I keep thinking that he will come back but I'm not sure why I think this. It seems quite obvious when he said he no longer loved me. For all I know he's probably got someone else already. What excuses did your ex give for leaving? Are you interested in meeting anyone else yet? Too early for me but how about you. I'm so sorry you're still feeling so bad.

I seem to have reached a position where I can't even cry anymore even though I want to. It's like I can't open those awful floodgates of a week ago when I made myself ill over it. Don't want to go back to that but am aware that I'm not dealing with it and just living in this eternal hope thing. I need to cry but am too scared to let go.

Sorry to hear things are not going too well Lamby. I had some good advice from Thetattooedmagpie about things to do, so I'm just throwing myself into self improvement, the idea being that in 6 months time, at our annual confrence from work, when X will be there I will just be so slender and georgeous and wonderful that .....no, not that he will look at me and want me back, but that he will look at me and think I'm well out of his league, and I will look at hime and think " how could I fancy that" Which is all terribly superficial and childish, but self improvement is hard work and keeps me busy. I must say that having lovely hands and feet after nearly a fortnight of devoted filing, moisturising and varnishing is cheering.

I too have some very bad moments. I was in Waitrose the other day and came across a display that had all the food I bought for a tryst with X in the summer. Just stood by the shelves crying my eyes out! Also on weekend visit to my mother remembered texting him in bed last time I was there and off I was again. All you can count on is that it does get better. Maybe I won't be in this position again, but if I am I now know all the signs - premature declarations of love, distancing - going on about pressure of work etc. wanting more but giving less, and of course I'll certainly be wary of anyone who has been married 3 times already!

Hope you will be having a good day tomorrow, Lamby, I find a really bad one is followed by a really good one.

Sorry to hear things are not going too well Lamby. I had some good advice from Thetattooedmagpie about things to do, so I'm just throwing myself into self improvement, the idea being that in 6 months time, at our annual confrence from work, when X will be there I will just be so slender and georgeous and wonderful that .....no, not that he will look at me and want me back, but that he will look at me and think I'm well out of his league, and I will look at hime and think " how could I fancy that" Which is all terribly superficial and childish, but self improvement is hard work and keeps me busy. I must say that having lovely hands and feet after nearly a fortnight of devoted filing, moisturising and varnishing is cheering.

I too have some very bad moments. I was in Waitrose the other day and came across a display that had all the food I bought for a tryst with X in the summer. Just stood by the shelves crying my eyes out! Also on weekend visit to my mother remembered texting him in bed last time I was there and off I was again. All you can count on is that it does get better. Maybe I won't be in this position again, but if I am I now know all the signs - premature declarations of love, distancing - going on about pressure of work etc. wanting more but giving less, and of course I'll certainly be wary of anyone who has been married 3 times already!

Hope you will be having a good day tomorrow, Lamby, I find a really bad one is followed by a really good one.

I have no idea how people can just walk away but I guess sometimes I guess they have been mulling it over for a bit and dont have the guts to have a talk.
DDs dad did this to me. In retrospect I can see he wanted out I just chose not to see the signs because I loved him so much.
Hurts all the same. Don't worry. Once you have grieved you will feel so much better. Mabe part of you will always love him or her but you can see that there is a bright future.
Sometimes I really doubt this notion that society has that there is the perfect someone for everyone. For my own sanity I have chosen to see it as men passing through and leaving when things go wierd for new men to take their place. But I am a cynic and I know the pain of love freshly lost.

And echomouse- I can't believe what your ex did- what a cowardly twunt. He dosnt deserve you.

lamby, so for you.

Today I met an old friend I had not seen in a year.

3 years ago her husband left her and their 2 kids (then 7 and 3) because he did not love her any more.
She had a terrible couple of years.Thought she would die from the pain and sadness.

Last Christmas (2 years after the split ) she decide enough was enough.
She joined a gym, gave up drinking and eating rubbish and concentrated on her body and her health. She got a well paid job and a new car.

To date she has lost 6 stones and looks amazing, with a totally new aura .

She met a new man last month who is treating her really well and she is so happy.

Guess what? Her ex asked last week if they could get back together.(he does not know about nm)
She was able to tell him, truthfully that it would never work as she no longer loves him.

You WILL get over this, no matter how hard it seems right now. x

A heartwarming story Nula. Good for your friend - what a strong woman.

VeryConfused it's so horrible isn't. I just went into Smiths and had about 10 reminders and had to choke back tears each time.

Please someone talk me out of texting him - I've got a very strong urge today but have held out so far. I finally succombed to tears last night and cried myself to sleep. It's easier in some ways but the reminders are so hard to deal with - they are everywhere.

I've noticed that I am now very insecure about my weight and how I look after he said he didn't find me attractive anymore. I now remember that towards the end he wouldn't look at me naked and always wanted the lights out when we had sex. Should have thought about that one. I don't want to go down that route of thinking I'm ugly again - done enough of that and had got over it. Must give myself a talking to because it's a really crap thing to say and totally unnecessary. I am a size 14 on the bottom and 16 on the top by the way.

I am inbetween homes at the moment and am with friends then moving into caravan tomorrow - feeling very unsettled which doesn't help.

Go between hating him and loving him then hating him and so on and so on. Just want it to stop. I've been spending ages thinking it all through and am convinced that he will realise at some point what he as done and will come back. If he does, I wouldn't make it easy for him. Probably pie in the sky though.

I am always struck by how many women have had this done to them, especially awful are those who've been pregnant and dumped. What the hell is the matter with these men? Rhetorical question that can't be answered!

Not having good day and feel like wallowing - maybe it will do me good.

Hi Lambypoo,
Sorry you are having a bad day. I'm having a bad day too. I went to counselling yesterday and its the first time I've cried and got upset about OM for a couple of weeks - always that underlying sadness but have recently got the crying more or less under control. I really thought I'd turned the corner, but oh well. Back to square one...

Don't text him. One thing I read that stands out in my mind is No Contact = No More Damage

When I was tempted to text, call or email OM I just thought about how I would feel of he was cold and dismissive towards me. Don't expose yourself to any more harm. Deal with the harm and hurt you already have.

Best wishes

Hi Lamby, every time you think of texting him why not do something else, going for a walk, having a bath, just anything.

I was told I wasn't attractive anymore by an ex, it was just his perception, his problem, and not true, you will find plenty of others who don't agree with your ex, but just think about yourself for now, I reckon.

I love VeryConfused's advice on concentrating on looking after yourself, stuff like paying attention to beauty treatments. It's his loss!

I used to just write the text and then just save it in drafts, NOT send it... sometimes it helps to just write it down just so it gets it out of your head..

I know it is so very hard at the moment i remember it so well and i really hope i never ever have to feel that pain again

I went on a really great course run by relate for people getting over a split it worked wonders for me.. and the other people on the course were really nice

Oh thanks everyone. Need to text has now passed!

Tattooed what happened to you if you don't mind me asking? How long ago etc? Sorry to hear it's still so hard.

Do you think that when they walk away like this that they really have no regrets or feelings for us at all? Surely there must be a residual something going on, especially if the relationship was good. This is the bit that I don't get. My xp said that he would continue thinking about me for a long time to come and that he may have made a terrible mistake. What the hell does that mean?