Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

Also I would contact woman's aid about your ex partner's behaviour if he is causing you real distress. Mabe there is more to this situation than meets the eye.
Did your ex intimidate your partner? Was he frequently 'around' creating an atmosphere? That would be enough to put a lot of guys off.

Your ex husband I mean. He sounds like he needs a slap.

Thanks so much for your kind words. MumofFun I think I might ask my mum to come and stay for a bit. I've really got too much on my plate still dealing with my ex, working, moving house in a couple of weeks and now I'm letting things slide because I feel I can't cope. I feel really depressed and I don't want to go there again. I am trying to look after myself but I feel sick to the stomach and am finding it difficult to eat. I don't have any single friends and so spend a lot of time on my own which is my worst enemy. I'm thinking about maybe doing some voluntary work on the weekends when I don't have ds - to do something useful with my life. How life can change in an instant.

PSM my ex has been awful and has caused us both a lot of trouble so that could be part of it. I am in touch with Women's Aid and things are calming down now but I know it's been tough. As soon as my ex knew I was seeing someone, he started and it has been horrendous.

Feeling really bad again tonight. Ds has been talking about him non-stop and asking when he is going to see him. It's all I can do to keep it together. what on earth am I going to tell him? Does anyone have any tips on what I can say or should I wait a bit until I def know it's finished (xp has promised to call me for a chat next week)? This is so hard and I can't get away from all the reminders. I know it's time but it hurts like hell. Sometimes it's like I've been kicked in the stomach I miss him so much.

I feel like a stupid pathetic needy cow and can't believe everything's gone wrong again in my life. I've been through such a lot. Sorry - trying not to feel sorry for myself.

Wouln't waste any more time or effort on this person
He was too much of a coward to tell you face to face TWAT..
He will come over for a chat next week--oh isn't that big of him!!

Tell him thanks but no thanks. Pick tourself up, brush yourself down and move on.

There is someone out there worthy of you and your DS love and afection

Sorry -it is not this man

He's saying he doesn't know what he wants. That's not good enough, you deserve better than that.

He may be decent and lovely, but difficult as it is, the best thing for you IMO is to break off with him, if you keep hoping and waiting for him to change his mind, you could be so disappointed, that's time that you could have spent rebuilding your life.

You can be forgiven for feeling sorry for yourself, lamby, it's understandable. What a rotten thing to happen.

Agree with mumfun, you need to surround yourself with supportive people.

Take care.

Oh hun, poor you. It's bloody rotten what he's done, he really should be clearer about all of this with you. Sounds like he could do with being a bit more decisive and brave. Seeing him occasionally will be distinctly unhelpful. Cut off all contact, if he really loves you, it'll make him realise and sort himself out.

There isn't a possibility that your creepy ex has warned him off is there?
It seems so unfair when people have been through so much shit have to put up with more, but at least you know how to deal with it.
I hope your mum does come to stay, sounds like you could do with some support.
Big hug.

Thanks Doha and Chunky for your support. I know you're both right - he's not really worth it for dumping me over the phone, even though he is really sorry.

I can't help but have a little hope left in my heart although I am making myself prepare for the worst. In a way, I don't want him to contact me again unless it is to say that he wants to try again. Kidding myself I think. Unfortunately, there is still some stuff a the house of his so he has to get that back. I also have a key to his house which he needs back.

Still feels like a bad dream and I keep thinking I'm going to wake up in the morning and everything will be ok. Got so much other stuff going on in my life and I shouted at ds tonight and feel really bad now.

I was almost sick with anxiety this morning and still can't eat much. Funny really because I've lost about half a stone this week and he did tell me that he didn't find me as attractive as at first so maybe the weight loss will work (that was tongue in cheek by the way!). I am exactly the same as when I met him so that really hurt a lot.

Rhetorical question - why is it that some people go from one drama to the other? I seem to over most of my life, mostly at the hands of men in one form or another - not just partners. My friends must be sick of it as no sooner is one thing over then another begins. I guess a lot of it has been bad luck and not seeing the signs like I did with my xh. There really were no signs with xp though. We never really had an argument - a few disagreements but never anything more than that and we always talked things through and got it sorted. I thought our relationship was good and healthy and I really believe it was and that I'm not just kidding myself.

Dammit the bloody telly's not working now and there's a leak in the bathroom - can't afford to get either fixed. Never rains unless it pours!!

Thanks Pic - that's exactly what I'm doing. I've been desperate to contact him but have managed not to for two whole days and I will continue with this. Maybe he'll miss me - maybe not. Don't want to make a twat of myself anymore anyway. Not running after him no matter how much it hurts.

I think he may have got a bit fed up of xh, who could blame him - I don't know it's all confused. Just can't believe that a month ago he told me he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. How does that just go away with no obvious reason?

I'm so sorry for you. Honestly- have you called the police about your ex. I really think that your ex husband needs sorting out before you can embark on any more relationships. He is trying to ruin things for you and he is succeeding. I really hope he leaves you alone to live your life.
I think also that if your boyfriend was right then he wouldn't have been so easily scared off.
I hope that you find a wonderful man who will stand up for you.

Thanks Posh. The police have been involved and I am going to not bother dating - maybe never the way I feel at the moment. I'm def going to give myself lots of time to sort xh out and moving and settling down again. I need a stable period in my life right now and so does ds. Xh seems to be happy in new relationship but still feels the need to torment me, as was normal throughout the marriage.

Hate that waiting for a phone call thing but I'm not giving in to my desperate need to call him - if I do I know it's going to end in even more hurt.

Who knows, one day I may meet a decent man who will be good to me and love me - I won't hold my breath though and don't want anyone else at the moment.

In answer to the rhetorical question: I think it's just the luck of the draw. Some people have happy easy lives, and some people have bleedin awful ones. Most of us are somewhere in between.
Wanting a stable secure period in your life is great, you'll find happiness in that, just as much as with a bloke. It's not all about the fellas, life can be really great just being you, without a bloke for a bit.

Sorry that you feel like this OP. But I do not think you can take anything as truth that anyone says. I was with a lovely bloke, he moved in we planned to have a baby. Fell pregnant, he turned around and said if I kept it he would kill himself. Unfortunately, I had an ectopic pregnancy, but again, he was someone you never thought would treat anyone like that.

He may love you, he may not. Try and heal yourself and get over it. Hope it works out for you. I went through absolute hell and back and like you, there was no warning sign

Really bad morning again. Stupid things set me off. The house is a mess and I've finally steeled myself to deal with it and then the sodding hoover breaks. This then gets me thinking that before I would have asked xp to sort it for me and he would have done it when he was next over but he's not going to be next over is he. Missing him so so so much it hurts too much and I can't stop crying. Can't see an end to feeling like this. I love him so much and can't get past it.

Im so sorry - your heart is broken and it is so sad. Cuddle your DS and go out and try to do something nice with him today - maybe meet up with someone supportive if you can. It is hell - it wont help you at the moment but time will help. If you have some friends who can support you can you agree that they will be on call for you if you are down and you can phone and get some support. Could any friend help with fixing round the house?

Please please someone come and talk to me. Just can't stop crying and feel like running out of the house and disappearing. Don't know how to carry on with life at the moment. Too much pressure everywhere and it's all crowding in on top of me and I'm still totally broken hearted.

I cracked today and sent xp a short text just asking him how he is and saying I was thinking of him - no pressure or anything. He hasn't text me back or rung me and I am totally gutted.

Please someone talk to me as I'm not coping well tonight.

is anyone out there

Just wanted to say you are not alone. My exp ended things with me out of the blue at in Jan this year. I was totally shocked and devastated....he had talked about how lucky he was to be with me, had proposed to me and talked about the future. We got on like a house on fire and were totally in love....or so I thought.

To cut a long story short, he said he wanted time on his own, that it wasn't me it was him..blah, blah, blah. Over the phone. I've never seen/spoken to him since. Which I think is the best way.

I was heartbroken.

I threw myself into work, kids, practically re-decorated the whole of my house......everything to try (but sometimes fail) to keep my mind off things and try not to contact him. I only cracked once, a few weeks afterwards as it we would have been together 2 yrs. But there was the odd time I would cry...and just went with it. I remember sitting in the midst of redecorating my living room crying my heart out with a paintbrush in my hand - as a song came on the radio and just set me off!

Suddenly it's 10 months down the line...I don't cry now when I think about it, my heart doesn't hurt anymore, I just feel a bit sad about it all - though I also appreciate some of the good times we had together. But it took me a good six months or more to stop being so upset, which would sometimes hit in waves. It's made me realise I'm stronger than I thought and what I will/won't put up with in a future relationship (if there is one!!).

I don't know how to help, other than to say you aren't alone, you are stronger than you think and please try not to contact him - it will only prolong the agony x

sorry your still hurting
Plese try not to contact him as it will hurt you so much more if he doesnt reply.. he knows how you are feeling ..

try to take each day as it comes.. it will get easier

so sorry I know the pain!

best not to contact him. distract DS by taking him to see other people he likes

try to visit or stay with someone where you feel loved and cared for if you can.

DD asked to sleep with me tonight as there were monsters in her bed so going to cuddle up with her later - that helps me

try to be kind to yourself and do nice things for yourself and DS

keep chatting on here! lots of people going through the same kind of things to support each other!

MH thank you so much for your kind message. I'm so sorry you went through the same thing. Did he explain to you why he left?

I know it's stupid to get this upset but I thought I knew where my future was headed and then the next day it's totally different. I miss him so much it hurts me physically. Don't know what to do without him. Don't have much choice do I.

I know what you mean about it coming in waves. One minute I'm OK and the next I'm in floods of tears.

Thanks everyone - feeling a bit more settled now. Did not get reply from him so that's it. Got to deal with it now. Mumfun will do what you suggest.

Have had another mammoth crying session so a bit worn out now.

Thanks everyone.

Lambypoo - I really feel for you. This has happened to me more than once in my life too - sometimes men seem just to bombard you with love and affection ( though they probably don't know the meaning of these things) and then just as you feel settled and warm and contented and fall in love yourself you get dumped. I have been in a totally un meritorious relationship recently and I actually got an email saying " it is not you it is me" .... dumped by bloody email!!!!

As I say I expect no sympathy but it still hurts. Somedays I feel quite OK other days I feel really sad, and down, and that is just with a 3 month thing that should not have happened. It gets easier but with any really significant relationship this sort of thing is horrible and like a bereavement you can't really hurry recovery. Keeping busy is always good. With me it would probably take about a year before I felt OK again, but I am a bit of a wallower and you will probably do better than that.

I hope you meet someone nice and have your faith restored in due course. The six month thing tht someone else mentioned is intereting. My mother always advised me not to date anyone for more than 6 months unless you were going to get married ( much simpler in the days when everyone got married ) but I do suspect that withoug real committment in the first six months relationships are probably not going to last. Just me philosophising and trying to be supportive. Keep posting if you feel sad.