Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

It was probably about 6 months before I started feeling better. I guess starting to see a new man helped a lot. I think trusting DH was gradual although it helped that he's very different from my ex. Its been nearly 10 years now that we've been together.

I haven't forgotten my ex. I've seen him a few times at social occassions since, funerals, etc. We've managed to have quite civilised conversations. I guess I make sure I put on a big show of making sure he knows how great my life is without him. Not that it isn't great, it is, I just want to make sure he knows it. I suppose that shows that I'm still hurt by what he did and in a small way I feel I'm hurting him back. In reality he probably doesn't give a toss but it makes me feel better to be looking great, etc if I know he's going to be there.

Oh great! Six months! Can't wait. How bad did it get? I am bursting into tears all over the place at the slightest thought or reminder of him. Cannot contemplate my life without him. He was my friend, lover, everything. Still don't understand how he can fall out of love with me so quickly. How do they do that?

Did your ex settle down with someone else or is he still playing the field?

I don't think it ever got worse than it was the first few days/couple of weeks. After that it was a gradual upwards path.

He met someone else about 12/18 months after we split up. They'e married with kids now.

Sorry lamby it is so so painful -friends have told me its something you just have to go through - to get over it.

I know what it means also to be hopeful if you have contact. I got so anxious over it. I still have to have contact because of kids - but not anxious now just sad after 6 months or so.

Men!

Hi Lamby, how are you today?

I remember being dumped by a bloke after 3 months, not long, but it was an intense relationship and he'd declared his undying love, he just got carried away then said I was making demands on him by asking to see him during the week!!

I met someone else and you will too, and you will feel better, but please look after yourself. Take care.

I'm dumped too Lamby
but in a caring way

Oh Ninah sorry to hear that. Are you really upset? Sorry, silly question. Xp was supposed to be here at 7.45 but hasn't arrived yet. Feeling sick but resigned.

So sorry to hear your news. How do you get dumped in a caring way? He obviously isn't worth your attention if he can't commit. Where do you go from here?

Take care of yourself and I'll post later with my sorry outcome (know what it's gonna be). Just listening to Michael Buble "I just haven't met you yet". Maybe there is hope.

Chunky, thanks for coming back on and for your support. You've all been brilliant.

lamby yes but in an I'll get over it kind of way
he was honest, upset and mixed up, just v human really. Bad timing, for us.
Listen don't hold out false hopes will you, truth is better in the long run

lambypoo - It is very hard - I'm having bad days - fortunately usually followed by good ones- over my situation too.

I think that when men start off a relationship at full pelt, with constant texting, emails etc. and saying they love you very early on maybe that is an indication it is not for real. But the horrible lie that hurts the most ( I can forgive someone getting over excited and carried away) is when they end it they say they want to see you still sometimess, they think a lot of you, they genuinely want to be friends etc. etc. then they leave you blubbing, deranged with hurt and upset and never give you another thought ( except maybe just to sorry you might turn out to be a bunny boiler ) I learned all this when I was about 18, and I'm pretty cross with myself that in the intervening 35 years I seem to have forgotten it!

Is anyone there? In a terrible mess, just been to the docs who've given me diazepam for short term. Cannot stop crying for one minute and don't know how to get through this.

Moving out tomorrow and not everything is done - can't bear to do it just want to curl up and die.

Xp came over last night and told me he didn't feel like he loved me anymore. All his feelings are shut down because he has realised he's rebounded from two relationships and never dealt with the death of his dad. He said he still felt crap and had been having thoughts that he might live to regret giving me up but had to do it now to sort out his demons. I'm in bits and can't see how this is going to get better.

I'm scared of the way I'm feeling and it's only the kids that are preventing me from driving under a lorry.

There's so much more going on that I can't talk about. Don't know when or if I'm going to move into my own place and am going into temporary accommodation in the mean time. Feel like my life is one big disaster with a huge nasty rejection thrown in like I'm just not good enough to love. I gave him everything, never hurt him, we were such good friends and so close. Cut to pieces and feel like my hearts been ripped to shreds.

Sorry its so bad -dont know what to say. But do try to pack up - keeping busy is good.

SO try to do that this evening. Also try to phone a friend and get some support. The diazepam wont kick in for a while Im sure. And yes your little one needs you so please try to look after him.

I know the despair - its awful - but it will some and go for a while so know that it will go up and down. Hope some one can come on and give better advice (()))

I'm sorry that thins are still so tough. It will get better, I promise it will. You need to focus on you and your kids now, try and keep busy.

Your XP is not worth doing anything like driving under a lorry. You're not unloveable at all. You are good enough. He's told you that he has issues that he needs to sort out. So for him, being in a relationship now is not good for him. That is his problem, not your fault. Its just such a shame he didn't realise this before he got involved with you.

Why are you moving out? Was this something you were doing anywway? You don't live together do you?

Hi Lamby, just here to talk to you really.

I am just so sorry, please keep posting I look out for you whenever I log on to mumsnet and just to let you know I am thinking of you.

You need a stable partner and you'll find someone. Things will get better.

Stripey and Mumfun thanks for your support. No we weren't living together, I was moving anyway - what great timing. You're right though, it's not my fault just so hard to hear I don't love you I don't miss you Idon't find you as attractive as I used to.

Trying to keep busy but each time I stop I just sob and sob - it's hell. He hasn't treated me very well has he?

How you doing Lamby?

Hi Stripey. Well, have got through the hell of moving house. Am now officially homeless for a bit and at my parents place at the moment. Have been doing quite well. I spent the whole of Wednesday crying and howling, screaming etc and am totally drained and worn out.

I was very stupid and text xp couple of times in desperation and got nothing in reply so have given up on that. I am still feeling totally heartbroken but am now angry for how he treated me and the hurtful things he said. I am struggling though mentally and did worry myself on Wednesday. Feeling bit better but not sleeping very well.

It's going to take me a long time to heal from all of the bad things that have happened to me over the last god knows how many years. Just want to get into my new place and settle down with ds now.

Onwards and hopefully upwards.

Hi Lamby, just looked in to say hello.

How's things?

Hi Chunky thanks for posting. I'm OK. Recovering physically mostly at the moment as the move took it out of me. Trying to sleep lots and eating good food at parents.The more I think about xp the more I think it's probably a good thing. Still gutted and missing him all the time but remembering the things he used to say and thinking I could eventually find someone who loves me for who I am. No intentions of looking for anyone at the moment though!

How are you doing Chunky?

That's the spirit lamby.

I am fine Lamby. My car, an old battered thing gave up on me and I have to get another one. I am not the least bit interested in cars, they are there to get from A to B and it's alot of money to fork out!

Also have something (not a big thing) on my mind somebody repeated something I meant to be confidential. It'll get sorted.

I am pleased you are looking after yourself. These things take time, don't they?

Will keep looking in for you.

I'm glad that you seem more positive. Take care of yourself.

i noticed alot of mnetters on here looking for the answer to why men finish and can cut all contact.

i am shamed to admit i am prone to this behaviour.

have also left exp twice by moving out while he was at work (slightly different situ as he was abusive and didn't want to kick off)

but even in younger years i used to sneak my belongs back from bf houses slowly then dump, or just simply leave and not go back for them after having the break-up "chat".

here's why.

when i finish a relationship i will have one sit down chat explaining why i am ending it. i'm not a parot, and will not go round and round in circles explaining, nor will i want to have the chat repeatedly over the next few weeks to follow.

if my relationship is ended.... i do not want to be friends. harsh. but i dont believe being friends with ex's works.

so i wont contact or continue contact, or reply to contact. as i simply dont want to lead the men on to feel that any amount of conversation is going to talk me round, nor do i want to cause either of us the emotional upheaveal of discussing how i feel about the break up.

i will discuss my feelings with friends and family, not going to offload it onto the person who i am no longer seeing as 2 broken individuals cant make sense of anything.

i will admit to perhaps taking my time between removing my stuff and having the final chat. perhaps just delaying the next meeting to somewhere neutral, or at least their house.

as trying to remove a hysterical person from my house is not easy. when they refuse to accept it can be over and insist on staying over and acting like nothing has been said, and i physically have to man-handle them out of the door at 3am when they are wanting to spend "one last night together"

here's another thing. i've also had strong feelings for someone.. and said i love them, when i haven't simply said it for peace sake.

i've also said i'd like kids and marriage. and i have usually enjoyed the fantasy in my head as we sit there and plan it. but the truth is as i spoke the words i knew in the back of my mind that i was never going to do it with them.

but inevitably.... one day i wake up and realise i cant keep on wasting time in this relationship where i see no future and i simply must end it for no other reason.

the person has done nothing wrong, we get on great, bumble along as it was put before.... but i simply dont see a future.

i'm not the only person i know who is like this. several of my closest friends all suffer this.

hence we are all still single and friends... and not paired off and married like the others.

but this problem of mine i have recognised. and i am now brutally honest with NM.

i have a semi serious one now since the exp i left........ he's been warned, and i often feel like simply giving up as i cant bear the hurt of ending another relationship. but i'm very much aware this one is like me..... and could wake up one morning and feel i'm not for him.

Well, that's honest dontouch. I don't know what to say. When people say "it's not you, it's me" during the "chat" there's some truth there.

well said rj.
I can identify with that, and admit to having avoided the chat as a dumper. I'm not great at the process but as I get older I get more honest, and more realistic too.
I know just where you're coming from when you say you can be in the middle of the fantasy of a future which just isn't going to happen. I don't think I've ever believed 100% that it would, however much I've wanted to be wrong. Which is no doubt why I'm still single. I think a lot of men have this half hopeful half fearful attitude too.

Hi Lamby, we haven't spoke before but I feel your pain sweetheart. My exH left me and our daughter 4 days before xmas 2 years ago, and I honestly thought I ws going to die. Got diagnosed with severe depression as a result, and wanted nothing to do with our daughter. All I wanted was to walk into the woods and just disappear. Eventually though, it did get better. I did it the 'wrong' way, through lots of partys, alcohol and one night stands, but I got there, and now Im happily settled with my new man who is just wonderful. Try and wait until your child is at school or in bed, but then cry cry and cry some more, scream, shout, and if your parents are worth their weight, bawl into their arms. You ARE loved, you ARE loveable, you just have to wait patiently for your hero to get you. I thought mine had been and gone. I was wrong.
Dont stay strong, grieve and love that baby of yours x

the "its not you, its me"... is this exactly usually.

thats what the phrase usually boils down to.

the dumper cant see a future for one reason or another. usually not the dumpee's fault. just dumper cant find a way to love the person.