Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

Oh God feeling really really crap. Can't stop crying now. I've been doing so well and I don't want to go backwards. I miss him with a physical pain and it's not getting easier yet. Suppose it's still early days.

Don't know how to feel and really want to text him right now.

Oh lamby, I have only just seen this. I have posted a message on my thread, but I will say it here too

Lamby we are both strong women, we have both been through so much crap in the past and came out fighting, why would this be any different?

Thinking of you, stay strong.

Oh and keep reading nula's post, a couple of years from now we wil be different people with different lives.

Squirrel thank you for your lovely post and yes, we are strong women and will somehow get through this.

I didn't take my own advice last night. I went out with friends, had a bit to drink then text xp. Very stupid and I regret it. Then went back to my friends and cried and cried.

How are you today? Have you given into too like me? Hopefully you've been stronger.

I'm moving into a caravan tonight and will not have internet access on a regular basis but will try and get on somehow to say hello.

Take care of yourself and we will get through this. God knows it sounds like we've both been through some real crap in our lives. Wish I knew why.

Hope you have a good day today.

Still resisting the urge to email, text or something just to have some sort of contact with him, I know it is wrong but you can't help emotions can you?

I keep thinking a year from now we will have different lives, in the meantime we need to move on somehow.

lamby my friend is really not what you would call a strong woman. She is an emotional person prone to extreme wobbliness!

She just reached a point where continuing to live in misery was no longer an option. Her main focus was to concentrate on her own health and wellbeing, and as she was so overweight a big part of this was to lose weight.She had been drinking too much and felt world weary and that life was passing her by.

She has gone from being an ordinary pretty lady to a real head turner, but the real difference is on the inside and she says only now does she really know and love HERSELF and no longer needs a romantic partner to feel special. The new man is just a bonus!

The problem with being dumped is the very person who is usually the first person you turn to in a crisis is the one causing the crisis and not available for support!

I have been dumper and dumped. I once had a relationship for about a year that was pretty wonderful but towards the end it just did not feel right. It was very hard to end it. I just had to tell him face to face. HE WAS UTTERLY devestated. For a few weeks he would call me, crying, or text, and I would go round to his to try and help but of course it did not help . He kept asking me how I could have made love to him one week and dumped him the next. In the end I had to cut all contact,
and to be honest, the more he pleaded and cried, the less I liked him.

He is now very happily married

fwiw I would never assume he had met someone else from what you have said.

Hi Lamby, just dropped in to say hello. God I know how you feel, been there not once, not twice but at least three times. You're doing all the right things, working through it all, being with your friends and crying. You will get through this, like nula and squirrel say.

Two and a half years ago I spent the night in a police cell because I'd been round to my ex-H's new GF's house and caused a disturbance because:
a) I was distraught that he'd left me a few months previously
b) our DD was staying the night with him and new GF
c) I thought my life was over and would never get better and felt utterly worthless

Today I've never been happier. One month ago I met the man of my dreams (had a transitional relationship in between him and ex-H) and I know I had to go through all the pain and upheaval (and getting a criminal record) to get where I am now. ps I'm 52.

Well I'm in the caravan. Hooray - there is wifi so I am online again!

Have only just realised how important the support from MN is to me at the moment when I have noone else to talk to. Thank you everyone.

I probably wrecked it all yesterday. It started with a drunken text on Friday night - nothing major just I love you and want you back. Then on Saturday a text apologising for drunken text which then went on to say I know you can't be with me now but please don't forget how good we were together etc. Then I moved into caravan and was on my own and felt absolutely terrified and lonely and text again asking if he could just call me. Nothing. Then later another text saying you said you cared for me but i guess that wasn't true.

What have I done and why did I do it? I cried myself to sleep again and it's just not getting any easier. I've got to go to work tomorrow but I don't know if i can. Can't stop crying. I cannot bear the thought of not being with him again, really I can't. He means so much to me in so many ways.

Please help me - how do I go out and look at couples and not cry. How do I see and hear things that remind me of him and not feel like crap and not cry. It is underlying everything I do and I feel very depressed which is worrying me as I have a history of depression and don't want to go there again. Keep asking myself over and over again why he said not that long ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then this. I keep asking the same boring old questions but I feel driven to do it to find some answers to make sense.

The only way I'm getting through this is because of ds and the thought that he will come back to me.

Also, I feel physically ill all the time - totally exhausted. Is this normal?

Your replies mean a lot to me and Sparky I understand why you did what you did and I'm so glad things are going well with your new man. What was your transitional relationship like? This might help me to see how xp was one of those too or I was to him.

Nula thank you for your lovely post. What was it about your xbf that made you think it wasn't going to work?

Hi Lamby, I just wanted to say hello, I have no real advice for you now, just to let you know I am still thinking of you at this difficult time.

I remember finding it very difficult seeing couples together, at one point I was sharing a flat with 2 couples after having bad luck with men.

Do have a friend in RL you can ring this evening?

I would also go back to the doctor about feeling exhausted, are you eating OK?

Take care x

Hi Chunky. I suppose I'm not sleeping well and not eating that well - just don't feel like it. I am having a very bad eve. Can't stop crying even in front of ds. I know it's crap but I'm feeling really depressed.

Feeling totally out of control with all of this. The caravan is nice but it's very small and now I'm panicking because I've shouted at ds a couple of times and shouldn't have. Then his dad rang and he told him. I heard him say to ds that "if mummy is finding it too much you can come and stay with me". I know what's coming now. He will play the card of she's not coping and isn't fit to have ds. He's said this before when all that's happened is that I've done what every mother occasionally does and shouts at their child. He'll then bring up social services, I've heard it all before and I can't deal with it now.

I am at a really low ebb at the moment and I'm worrying myself about how bad I feel. All of the support from MN is so good for me at the moment. Just to know someone out there is thinking of me.

I feel cast adrift, rejected, hopeless, homeless and ill. Don't know what to do with myself.

Oh Lamby .... this may be a daft question, but do your friends and family know exactly how you are feeling?

Chunky I don't think any of them understand how bad things are which is probably my fault. I have had so much going on that I keep thinking friends and family will get sick of me in the end. I feel very alone with it all. I have some friends that have been wonderful but I can't keep dumping on them constantly. This is why MN is so good for me at the moment.

Everything just seems to have come at once, hasn't it Lamby, and I am sure the way you are feeling is the result of this.

I think this is a time to lean on your family and friends as much as possible, I am sure they won't mind, you sound like such a caring and lovely person yourself.

Of course, keep posting here as well! I will look out for you even though I can't offer much advice.

Thank you Chunky you are so sweet. Means a lot. Have felt a bit better in the last hour. I guess it's just up and down, up and down.

lamby, about exbf.
We had both come out of difficult marriages and the thing that seemed to bind us together at first was we were both so kind and tender to each other.
This was a powerful attractant as we had both been treated badly by our exes.

Sex was great and we discussed a future together but after a while I just started to go off him. it sounds terrible I know but he had quite a negative disposition and was full of regrets about having made bad choices in life .

I was so intent on being caring and understanding that I listened to him for hours on end basically being really negative and it just wore me down and I stopped looking forward to seeing him. Then I realised I had to tell him because it was dishonest to pretend everything was okay when in fact I was starting to find him dull.

He absolutely crumbled which sadly reinforced my view of him as a weak and negative person.

A few weeks after the break up he turned up at a very inappropriate moment at a place he knew I would be, asking "could we talk?"

That was the final nail in the coffin if one were needed. I was actually pretty angry with him for that, and I knew I could never ever be friends with him in any capacity at all

Oh God Nula, maybe that's what xp thought of me. I was having a lot of difficulties with xh a lot of the time and he often saw me upset. However, we had mostly good times and laughed a lot and got on very well.

I did crumble when he told me but then we had firm plans to stay together and move in together eventually. I honestly believed that was it for me and him for good. We would grow old together and often talked about it. What else could I do but crumble from the shock of it.

lamby I was concerned about telling you my experience because It does not necessarily have that much in common with yours, and I do not want to contribute to your sadness in any way at all.

I really did love him at the start but it just sort of waned. It was a horrible feeling for me too - I was losing a very precious thing as well but could not keep up the pretense.There was absolutely noone else involved.

I felt terrible about how hurt he was. He cried and cried for weeks.

But remember the happy ending - he is very happily married to someone else now

Lamby, I've just seen the other thread. It looks like great support!

Good luck to you, I am sure you will get there. I've been married a long time but can remember the aftermath of being dumped a few times.

Thanks Chunky so much. You've been so supportive. I'm having a better day today and beginning to see that I will survive all this. It helps to know that I'm not alone in this. Look how many others on the dumping thread. Scary really isn't it.

My mobile just went off and for the first time I didn't assume I'd got a message from xp. Well, at least not for the first minute anyway.

How are things going for you? Hope your car is OK and the other confidential thing got itself sorted

Thanks Lamby, pleased with the new car.

I am so glad you can see a little light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not so worried about the confidential thing now, it is to do with work, I didn't recommend a friend for a new role as she has some difficulties at the moment, and what I said was repeated to somebody else. I am a worrier sometimes, I would change this if I could!

Take care of yourself. Glad you managed to get past feeling so crap last night.

Hi Lamby
Sorry only just come back here. What was my transitional relationship like? He sounds very similar to your XP. Mixed messages all the way and we were together 13 months as well. I think I fell for him because he was totally different to ex-H but I didn't actually evaluate him for what he really was.

It was the same for me, one minute you're the woman of my dreams and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and the next he
disappears because he's upset and confused.
Since then I've had closure and know he's weak and afraid. I think my gut instinct was telling me there was something wrong quite early on but I ignored it. Was there anything that you felt wasn't quite right from the beginning? And don't beat yourself up about drunken texting, we all do it