Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

Sparky, good luck with your new man tonight. Very sensible to take it nice and slow.

Cheeky, the film was really good and incredibly sad but uplifting at the same time. A few tears were shed!

ampm I must look up your old thread. Your story does sound very similar to mine. You're six months down the line and still find it difficult to deal with - I think I'm going to be the same.

Well, today I'm in a new phase and that one is ANGER, interspersed with deep sadness and a desperation to hear from him. I'm so sodding angry that he did this to me. What the hell is wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me anymore? His other girlfriends did the dirty on him and treated him badly then he finds someone that treats him well and look, he doesn't want me. Just still cannot take it in that he doesn't want me anymore - it just doesn't seem possible.

I need closure on this but I don't have it. Does anyone have any ideas on what I should do now? He still has stuff here and I don't think I can carry on for much longer not knowing what he's thinking and whether he's missing me and wants to try again. By the same token I'm terrified that when/if he contacts me it is tell me that it's definitely over. I'm going to go back to square one again and I can't face it.

There are many other things going on in my life that I can't talk about on here because my xh will be watching mumsnet. Can't give myself away.

Feeling really bloody crap tonight. Am supposed to be going out with friends later but just don't feel like it. Will make myself do it though.

What do you think I should do now? Leave it or contact him?

Hi Lamby, I hope you are out enjoying yourself atm. I have just got back from hospital, my dd has a urine infection. We were there for 3 hours!

His stuff - Is there any way you could pack it up, leave it somewhere and tell him to collect it?

Hi Chunky. Hope your dd is OK now. Urine infections are horrible.

I have today put all his stuff in my garage as I can't bear to look at it anymore.

I have had the worst day yet today and have been crying on and off all day but trying to hide it. I can't take this waiting around thing anymore. I know he's had two days off and I thought he might come over and take the stuff out of the garage but he hasn't. I've had enough and text him early to say that I need closure and would he call me so that we could sort this out once and for all. I also asked him to text me to let me know when he would call. That was 4 hours ago and I haven't heard a thing. I feel completely devastated all over again and can't imagine my life without him. Don't know how to get through this. I know it sounds so pathetic but everything in my life is incredibly difficult and up in the air at the moment and this is just the cherry on top of the cake. Can't stop crying as I feel the end is near. Such a cruel rejection of me as a person - it's like I wasn't good enough for him. Keep thinking he's got someone else. Don't want to know but want to know. I keep trying to think about the bad bits about him and there were but I still loved him despite these. I talked to a friend last night about him saying that he didn't find me as attractive as he used to and she said that that was a very cruel thing to say. It has had an impact on me. I loved and accepted him for who he was - what more can a person ask for? WHY is that not enough??

I'm off again on one. Don't want to feel like this anymore, not even for another day. It's unbearable. Am trying to look after myself but I just want to lie in bed and cry. Which I can't do because of ds.

Hi Lamby, hope you're feeling better today. He sounds SO like my ex, weak, weak, weak. One day, not too far ahead, you will see him for what he is and be glad that he walked away. He did you a huge favour. Mine wouldn't give me closure either, I tried for weeks and weeks to get answers from him but it was as if he was dead. When he finally deigned to talk to me, it all came out and I could see him for the useless fucker that he was.

Anyway....I'd been thinking about you ampm and wondering if things were starting to get better. I'm very glad to see they are. I have date no.6 with gorgeous new man and am going to his house, he's cooking for me. I'm under no pressure to stay (I've actually told him I won't be) but I have a feeling I might. Today he's running around after his 12 year-old DD, cleaning the house, recovering after a very heavy week at work in a hugely responsible position, then cooking a lovely meal for me (he asked me if I liked ginger and garlic just now, so don't think I'll be getting beans on toast).

And hey, this guy can't walk, broke his back 10 years ago. He is gentle, kind, positive and STRONG. The total opposite of the spineless twit I was with before. So, good comes out of bad, even if you can't see it at the time.

lamby, how are you? Just take things day by day. I am glad to see you are getting out and meeting up with friends.

Could you get someone to take his stuff over to him?

You sound as if you need some control. Could someone ring him for you to deal with the issue of his stuff?

Hi Chunky and Sparky. Well I think I've got my answer. I had a really terrible day yesterday, the worst since it all happened. Really hard to get through work as I was on verge of tears all day. I had decided I'd had enough and text him asking if he would ring and talk to me last night. No reply and no phone call. So in a very upset state last night I rang his home and guess what - no reply. I know he was home because he had his kids.

Today, I've text him again asking him to contact me so that we can put this to bed and so that he can pick up his stuff. Nothing as yet. Like you Sparky I am totally disgusted and shocked by his weakness. He can't even face talking to me and I don't know why. So so hurtful to be thrown away like this. Maybe like you I will come to see this for what it is but not yet.

My eyes are really swollen from all the crying but have calmed down now and am trying to have a nice evening watching X-factor.

Chunky I think I may try to get someone to contact him to sort out the stuff. I'm moving out soon and he needs to get it. I've been packing all day with a friend so my mind's been taken off it.

Sparky, your new man sounds amazing and what a fighter! Very excited for you and hope it goes well this evening, especially if you stay!

Maybe one day I'll meet someone who can treat me well and value me - I won't hold my breath though.

Thank you so much you two for being here for me. It means such a lot.

Okay next text goes like this.

Since you have not had the decency to reply to my texts or receive my phone calls all your possessions thst you left at my house are all in black binbags on my doorstep.

If they are not removed by tomorrow night l will have no option but to arrange uplift of them to local charity shop,
Your loss twunt

Doha I like it. I think I'm gonna do it.

Itwascertainlyasurprise how dreadful for you. My heart goes out to you so much. How are you coping with it all? Do you have lots of support from family and friends? Do you still love him?

You will come out of this strong and have a lovely dc to show for it. He sounds terrified of the commitment of a baby. Has he said he will support you and the baby? He may feel differently when he sees the baby for the first time. Hope things work out for you.

Don't you think it's shocking how many women have come on here with a similar story. I wish there was an answer to it.

i am trying to enjoy X factor but keep bursting into tears and alternating between deep sadness and anger and then hope then no hope and then love. Horrible empty feeling of missing him so much and not being able to believe that I will never hold him again. Tears are flowing now. It's like a physical pain. Sorry for this.

Hi Lamby, no advice to add just thinking of you. Good idea from Doha about the text, get some control!

Hi all. Just a quick update. Finally had a text from him today saying sorry he hadn't been in touch but his son has been in hospital, he's been ill and everything going really badly. He's coming over either Monday or Tuesday night to get his stuff and to talk.

I know it's crazy but this has got my hopes up although there was nothing in his message to suggest that he had changed his mind.

How do I stop myself from getting over-excited because I still need to face up to the fact that he doesn't want to get back with me.

I had a feeling something had happened because I know he is a decent man and wouldn't just ignore me like that.

Somebody please talk some sense into me before I get myself hurt all over again.

he sounds like my bf - nice man, v damaged by his previous break up.
The way I look at it is what do I want? I've decided I want full time commitment and whether or not he can provide it is up to him. If he can, great, if not I really don't have strength to take on months/years of someone else's angst, I have way enough of my own.
So my advice would be focus on you and what you want.
I think I'm on the verge of breaking up with mine also, so sympathies, horrible isn't it.

decent men would reply op. no matter what. if they have time to eat or pee, they have time to reply to someone they care about.

sorry.

i know what you are going thru/ my husband upt and left me and my dd 4.5 yrs ago.

be thankful you don't have kids, becuase thats so hard, you can never get them out of your life or your heart.

be strong.

please.

Pirate and Ninah thanks for the reality check. I needed it.

God it was so good to see his name on my phone and read his words. I have been crying on and off all day again today. I just don't seem to be able to get it together properly. I'm sure I will but I have such strong feelings of love for him still. From his message he sounds very very down - not sure whether it's because of the split or a mixture of that and everything else.

Just knowing that he's not cut me completely dead is enough at the moment. Must stop myself from thinking it's all going to be OK. It probably won't be.

Ninah sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you at the moment.

I'm meeting mine tomorrow to have the talk. He normally calls about now, but nothing so far.
When you see him try and get closure from it for your own peace of mind. Good luck!

Thanks Ninah. I will get closure of some kind tomorrow. Have to as can't keep going on like this.

I hope you sort things out your end too. Good luck for tomorrow. Let me know how it goes.

thanks
might have to get closure myself as he just called now and he's still bloody dithering
told him I def need a decision tom night
Can't stand bloody dithering! night night

Ninah any news yet? I have text xp to ask him to let me know which night he's coming over, tonight or tomorrow. Heard nothing - I'm getting pissed off with this but can't wait to see him. Hope it's tonight!

Let me know how you get on. Hope it's the news you want. Why can they just not decide?

Lambypoo,

Just read this thread and wanted to say I hope you're OK. i'VE been where you are before. My ex-fiance, who I lived with walked out in very similar circumstances. I came home from work to find all his stuff gone and a note on the table. I think the way he ended it was one of the cruelest things and defintely made it harder. Like you it came out of the blue.

He did come back to me but ended up doing the same thing again. At least once, possibly twice. I was a real mess at the time.

Six months later I met the man who's now my husband. I hope you're getting some support from RL friends and family. I ended up being signed off work with stress for a while. I remember my GP saying that such a situation can be like a bereavement.

I went through a stage of being quite angry with my ex which I think was helpful. I was angry at him for being such a shit and finishing it in such a way, a way I didn't deserve. I began to think that I didn't want to be with anyone who could do that to me. You say your ex is a nice, decent man. Well he isn't. Nice, decent men don't do what he's done.

I hope for your sake you can get angry with him soon.

Stripey, your situation sounds very similar. Did he give reasons for leaving you?

I have felt like I have been suffering a bereavement - it is a shocking loss after all and I am dreading what I think will be the final rejection either today or tomorrow (despite being over the moon to see him and secretly hoping). I know I'm going to fall apart all over again. I have moments of anger towards him but I don't think I've reached that stage yet. I am going to pin him down this time though - I can't take much more of this not knowing.

You are right - I have to consider that if he comes back, he may leave again which would be even worse.

I'm glad you've met a good one now though. Where did you meet him?

He just said that he couldn't see us progressing, etc. So, no I never really felt that I got a satisfactory answer. It was all odd when only a couple of weeks/days earlier he seemed over the moon in love. However I soon felt that I was not going to give him any satisfaction by begging for answers/asking him to come talk/get back together, etc. I began to get a funny feeling that although he was uncomfortable when he did come round he also got a bit of a kick about seeing me so upset. Like a big confidence boost or something.

Be prepared that he may not come round. My ex said he was going to come round to drop the house key off. Like you I was so happy at the thought of seeing him. The bastard stuck the key through the letter box and ran down the street. I'm embarrased to admit it but I chased him to his car but didn't catch up.

I do think if any man treated me like that now I would never beg him to come back, etc like I did my ex. But I know its easier said than done.

And as for my DH, I already knew him when I was with my ex. We were all a sort of group of friends. I think my DH had liked me for a while but I was with my ex. He gave it a few months for the dust to settle and started ringing, coming round. It did take a long time for me to trust him.

Stripey, sounds familiar. So glad you now have a lovely dh. Don't think or rather I know - that I will never trust anyone again. How can I when what they say seems so plausible and is so untrue. How did you trust your dh in the end?

Well, true to form, he just text me saying he will come round tomorrow. I think he will but his texts are quite cold and I think that if he wanted to get back together he would have come over tonight. It's dead in the water and now I'm very very angry, gutted, hurt beyond belief and want to hide away and not face this.

How long did it take you to feel better? I will never forget him - love him so much. How am I going to live with that? Don't want to. Sorry - wallowing a bit.