Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

Veryconfused thanks for your post. Do you have any interesting theories why men do this kind of thing when you could have sworn they really loved you? Do you think it's that they get frightened of commitment even though they talk the talk but when it comes down to it they just freak out?

I think it's fascinating that so many of us have this experience (and very cruel too) and it hurts so badly.

I weakened last night and text him a very brief text (may have mentioned this already) and to date have had no reply. I just find it so hard to believe. I thought we meant so much to each other, I know he did to me and he must have put on a very good act because he told me he felt the same. I miss him so much it hurts physically. God this sounds so over the top but it's true. He was part of my family and I was part of his. I spent time with his mum and siblings and kids and I feel a loss there aswell.

Had an up and down day today. One minute I'm thinking I'm better off without him in the long run and then the next I'm in tears.

I need to accept it's over but because I'm expecting a phone call from him as he promised and because he has to pick some stuff up I can't move on. I know in my heart it's over but I know that when he confirms it properly I'm going to go through this all again and I really can't face it.

How do you stop loving someone? He honestly meant the world to me and I had congratulated myself on finding a decent man at last so now how can I ever trust anyone else?

It does hurt but once you have done the grieving you can look back and say ''ythank god I didn't end up with that tit'' because the right man wouldn't play these games. Still hurts though I agree.

oh lamby, like I said you will be up and down...is there no way you can drop off his stuff with a mutual friend so you don't have to see him?

Even though it was very hard, i didn't see my exp at all and i think that has helped the healing process a lot. I've never found out why...just as he said in the phone call - that he wanted space and to be on his own. I too had gotten on well with his family and had known his daughter for half of her life...that was very hard.

it is hard to put into words how you feel, but i do think it's a good idea to feel it if you know what i mean - cry when you feel like it, scream/shout, get mad etc, rather than hold it all in. you are in shock remember, and unforunately you can't just turn your feelings off. sorry to say he might have been thinking this for a while (but saying the opposite) so had time to slowly turn off his feelings...whereas you've not had that luxury.

chin up xx

Hi lamby, just to say hello to you tonight. In time you will meet the right man, I think poshsinglemum is spot on.

Take it day by day, I remember being dumped after a 10 year relationship, and I look back and think "phew!" I met dh later on, well into my 30s.

I remember feeling like you, one minute OK then tears washing over me, he said he didn't know what he wanted.

Do things for you, have hot baths filled with bubbles, read a few pages of a book, whatever helps.

Hi Chunky and Mutha and thanks for coming back to talk to me. Still no answer to my text but not really surprised. Why do they say such similar things? "I want to be on my own for a bit, my feelings have changed. I still love you but can't be with you". What bollocks to be honest.

Still feel that things might change though. I have this romantic notion that he's going to call me and tell me he's made a terrible mistake and want me back.

Interestingly, I went out tonight with some friends and one of them told me that they had always thought I could do better than him but wouldn't explain to me why. It got me thinking but I don't really know what was meant by that. He was very good to me in so many ways. I felt like he protected me from the worst crap from my ex and that he was my rock on whom I could always rely. His going has left a huge empty space as he was my friend aswell.

Keep wondering whether I will stop loving him or just learn to live with it and still love him - or does learning to live with it mean that I won't love him? Excuse these mad ramblings!

I have been shocked at the number of women on here over the last week who have been unceremoniously dumped by their partners. I feel a bit of a fraud sometimes as my relationship was only a year old. However, I am contending with several other difficult life stuff aswell. Can't go into anything too much as everything I do seems to be known by my ex. Feel like he is watching me everywhere I go and knows everything I do.

God sorry Ive really gone on again!

Oh Lambypoo, I completely understand...nothing hurts quite like it, does it?

My ex did a very similar thing to me after a similar period of time; he actually behaved quite well given the circumstances which somehow made it worse. It seemed to reinforce the fact that he was actually a nice guy and made the 'loss' seem so much worse. Honestly, for about a month, I just couldn't think about anything else.

I actually think that a 12-18 month break up is in some respects worse than the break up of a long term relationship. At that time, you have had long enough to fall in love and form an attachment, yet not long enough to see all his flaws. The love is still very intense, so the pain of its loss is very intense too.

The only advice I can offer, trite as it sounds, is that it will get better. Every day of pain is getting you closer to the day when you feel ok again. One day, you will be pleased that this happened as it will have enabled you to meet the one who is really right for you.

FWIW, I had to go and collect some things from his house too, I had to leave it a few weeks as I just couldn't cope with the thought of seeing him while everything was so raw.

When I saw him, I had something of an epiphany and realised that he wasn't the answer to all my prayers that I seemed to have turned him into over the previous few weeks. He was just a normal bloke - with a pleasing dusting of dandruff too which certainly cheered me up

It was quite a pivotal moment, and I drove home in better spirits than I had been for a long time.

Don't feel a fraud because the relationship was only 12 months old. I agree with Hoping - its often worse in shorter term realtionships because you haven't had chance to build up a 'bank' of bad points which you can use to get over them.

I was unceremoniously dumped 6 months ago ( although I was having an affair with him so different circumstances )and the worst thing about getting over it is that its unresolved - in the morning he was in love with me and wanted to be with me,6 hours later he rang to say he was going back to his wife and didn't want me anymore. And that was that - I still don't really know why he changed his mind cos I can't talk to him. So it feels like its/he's preserved in aspic ! You really need those bad points you build up over the years to offset the good memories and help you move forward.

Sometime I wish I could see OM again just to get a reality check - he's just a normal bloke, but I'm in danger of transformed him in my head into some god like adonis. He didn't have dandruff - but he did have bad teeth !

Time will help. It doesn't feel like it - but it will. And counselling helps too - even if you just spend all hour crying. Best of luck.

Hello Lambypoo - just had to say that there are so many similarities here, it could be my own story but anyway, have a few questions:

How far apart do you live? Same town or miles away? I'm wondering if you go out and think you may bump into him, which is such a horrible feeling.

Have you had any messages/calls? Is he still expected to come over for his things? I know just how it feels to have a glimmer of hope that time apart will make him realise what he's in danger of losing. It all feels like a nightmare and so difficult to hold together and "pretend" to the outside world when overnight everything you believed in has vanished, with no apparent warning or explanation.

There is such a huge WHY about it all isn't there? How can he switch off and simply walk away on the pretext of "not knowing how he feels anymore" - surely you talk/sort out problems together (well that's what I thought).

Please keep posting - it's uncanny how so much of what you say rings true for me and, in a way, that's helping me accept the rejection ..... hell, who am I kidding - it still hurts so much. Sorry to end on a downer.

Hello Lambypoo - hope you are having a better day. You asked if I had a theory about why some men behave like this. My counsellor discussed it with me and gave me her views. She said that I seemed to have been attracted to men who seemed to be sucessful, but may have been insecure deepdown. The idea is that when you are in the early stages of a relationship they get very drawn in because your attention and happiness is a boost to them. After a while things get "real" and it ceases to be a mutual appreciation thing but a situation where yes, you are giving love and affection but also there are emotional and practical demands on them too and as they are then not feeding off and growing from the exchange but being called upon to an extent it ceases to be an attractive proposition for them. If I apply this to the things tht have happened to me it does seem to be true. when I was young and precociously sucessful in my then career one ex-bf absoloutely adored me until at his request I went looking at houses with him, then everything changed. This last thing came to an end when I began to regard it as a real relationship. Fortunately not all men are like this! I'm feeling a bit of a hole in my life this week, after thinking I was doing quite well last week, one day at a time, eh.

think veryconfused might be right there....maybe after the 12/18 months mark, things naturally progress to the more serious stage - well they would with me - with talk re the future etc. maybe it's everything becoming 'real' that makes them either run for the hills, or step up.

only thing i don't understand is it was my exp who mentioned joint mortgages/family car/getting married when i'd never said a word about these things....? maybe they like the idea but lack the commitment/maturity?

Have only just come to this lamby and haven't had time to read whole thread but
like others, have been there. My XP and fiance vanished about 4 months ago after exactly 13 months together and I was just left hanging. I contacted him quite a few times but got nothing back. Eventually he wrote me a long email and I've had closure.
Essentially he's a very weak, damaged and insecure man who just couldn't hack being in a grown-up relationship (him 53, me 52!!).
He too told me he'd never hurt me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Spooky.

BUT, I'm so glad it ended, I've just started dating the most amazing guy and if I'd still been with my loser of an ex, I would have missed out. You'll be fine, honest.

Mutha - nail/head/hit ! That's what I find so confusing about it all. My OM was an ex boyfriend of mine - he came looking for me and drove the whole thing. I was the one who wasn't so sure and he was absolutely adamant its what he wanted. And you know, after 6 months of being told the same thing every day, you sort of think, well, maybe its true, maybe its what they want. And then as soon as you agree, they bottle it !

Just wish he's bottled it BEFORE I told DP I was leaving him.

Haven't read all these posts, but prepare yourself girl, you're in for a bumpy ride. My husband and partner of 18 years has done the same, and over the past 6 months has come and gone 4 times, and is trying to get back in the door for the 5th time.

He says the same as your partner - he is confused, doesn't know what he wants etc etc (we have two lovely little girls) and is doing the same as your partner, wanting to help me through my grief and not realising he is actually sending out mixed messages by doing this action, driven by guilt and love, but not the right kind of love.

Who knows what will happen to you? It could be he goes away and realises he's made a big mistake and comes back. BUT don't do what I did and take him back too soon. He has really hurt you, and even if he comes back full of apologies in a few weeks, he will probably want to sweep it all under the carpet and the thing that's been bugging him won't have gone away and you'll have to go through it all again.

If he comes back, tell him he has really hurt you, that your feelings for him have changed and that you want him to go away, get his head together and ONLY come back when he is 100% sure what he wants. You could have lots of talks, but believe me, they will only end up hurting you. You could go for one big talk now, get all your message across that you love him, thought you had a great future ahead of you but taht you won't tolerate being his confidante while he goes through his crisis. Give him his space, and give yourself time to get stronger, then start the talks on your terms if that's what he and you want.

In the meantime, get whatever support you can. If you can't get a grip, get yourself along to your GP - antidepressants helped m y initial terror. See friends all the time and don't worry about boring them. Spend time with people who make you feel good. Book into Relate as they can make you feel so much stronger.

As much as you don't want, you cannot spend your life being defined by another person. You will get strength through your friends and family and by making yourself do things you'd never even considered. It might even be exciting!

I know you feel really crap now and want to know when it will end, but the answer is that you WILL when you are ready, gradually you will find strength from somewhere you never knew you had it. Do not let your life become a disaster because of a few failed relationships - you are obviously worthy of love in order to have had them in the first place and when you are ready will meet someone else. Relationships fail everyday, you just don't think it will happen to you, and when it does, you think it's the end of the world. But it's not - there's far worse things that can happen so count your blessings and put on your happy face when you feel up to it. Then get online and start shopping for fun dates!!!

Good luck, I hope this doesn't sound flippant, I just mean there is more to life than one or two men - the most important thing is learning from the relationships you do have and working on how to be a h appy, independant woman, whether you are with a bloke or not. You'll get there, it's all just scarey now. I'm nearly there, and honestly, I was a bag of snot and tears for weeks. Still get my moments, but they are not as frequent and I'm starting to see that our marriage wasn't all rosy. And the laundry pile has gone down massively!

Thank you so much everyone for continuing to talk to me. I have this probably very boring desire to just offload most of the time. All your comments are very helpful to me and are helping me to get some perspective on all of this. Also you are helping me to see that it will be OK even though I have spent most of today on the verge of tears or in tears. My xh has started to be a complete arsehole again and I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this and a house move.

To answer your questions ampm (I think I remember your post from before). We live about 15 miles apart so I won't bump into him, although I keep getting this crazy idea of driving over to his place and seeing if he's with someone else (won't do it though). He does have to contact me because he has some stuff here and I am willing him to contact me but also terrified. However, he hasn't answered my one text from two days ago. You're right ampm, the hurt is awful and there is a big why. Like you I asked him to talk it over and try to sort things out but he just didn't want to. He wasn't very demonstrative at the best of times. Don't know whether I've mentioned it before but he had only split from his wife 5 months before we got together and I wonder whether stuff just caught up with him. In his last text to me he said that he still didn't know whether he'd done the right thing in leaving but he needed some to time to sort things out in his head. Of course, this has meant that there is still a glimmer of hope left for me.

ampm what happened with you and how long ago was it?

It's interesting that some of you have said that a shorter relationship can hurt more because you haven't built up a bank of bad stuff. That's so true.

Also, I think what VeryConfused said is probably true about some men. When it becomes real they can't seem to cope with it and don't want the emotional demands made on them. Interestingly, the last time I saw him he was a bit distant and I did try to talk to him about this because I must have sensed something was wrong although i didn't realise it at the time. I started to tell him how I felt about him in the hope that he would say the same back to me. He just said let's watch the film. I felt very rejected and got a bit upset. He ignored this. When I tried to talk to him he just clammed up so I left it. It wasn't an argument or even a disagreement and we left on good terms. Perhaps this is relevant - I don't know. Maybe he felt backed into a corner?

I am still struggling to believe that he doesn't care about me anymore. We were very very close.

I'm so sorry that some of you have gone through a similar thing - there seem to be the same themes running through all the stories and I wish you all peace and happiness.

By the way, Sparkybint, where did you meet your new man? Not that I want to meet anyone but I'm always interested in how people meet other people. I wish you well and hope you find happiness.

Oh Cheryl I'm so sorry. Have you decided to not take him back now? Do you think he really does love you? You're right, I don't want to define myself by failed relationships and I want to be able to live happily with myself and not need a man and just take care of my kids. Problem is that if he comes back i will be so over the moon but hey, I don't think he will.

Does anyone have any ideas why he didn't reply to my text? All I did was ask him how he was and that I was thinking of him.

Lamby, my guess is that he's probably more concerned about himself and can't face any responsibility towards you so it's easier to ignore the text.

It's very early days - take care. What can you do for yourself this evening?

Chunky,I'm wasting my time doing nothing when i should be packing. Can't get motivated and keep waiting for the phone to ring. Hope you're enjoying your eve.

I've just got a pile of washing up to tackle Lamby!

Can you ring someone up for a chat, just anything to take you mind off it for a while?

Chunky I've put a DVD on, Seven Pounds, possibly not a good choice as it looks a bit sad. May be a bit cathartic. Enjoy your washing up!!

I will post again tomorrow Lamby to see how you are.

Hi lamby, I met my new man online. It's a great way to make connections. Just apply a bit of common-sense.

Date no. 5 tonight, can't wait. Taking it nice and slow this time and getting to know him from the inside-out. He's gorgeous...

Just wondering how things are today Lamby? You could well have remembered my original posting but I'm a bit of a technophobe and can't work out how insert a link, so if you fancy trawling back it was entitled Relationship Shock and dated 3 August! Anyway, just want to say I agree with Cheryllou that it's going to be a bumpy ride with so much hurt/confusion/questions going round and round in your head but that's a stage you just have to work through.

It's hard but there really is no choice and I am trying to follow this advice from others further down the "healing" line (6 months on) but difficult to switch off my feelings when it seemed we had a very strong basis for being together.

I'm stuck at the wanting to offload stage but have very patient friends and talking DOES help! There are lots of similarities with men who for whatever reason distance themselves and walk away from what seemed a really good relationship and yes, I did the driving over to his house several times (never saw another car or evidence of anyone else) but couldn't resist the urge to be close to such a familiar place. Do you still have a key to his house?

The disbelief still hits me now and then, there are far too many reminders and memories every day but work is a great distraction (do you have a job outside the home?) I'm very much aware it is still a pretence and just filling in time but also know things WILL get better and hurt people like us WILL survive

Keep posting, let it all out, you'll find support for the dark days and some of the comments may even make you smile!

To Muthuhubbard - your comment about men in these circumstances having had "time" leading up to the eventual walking away, to become emotionally distanced, was a very good description. It certainly made sense in my own case and explained a little why I was so shocked and in denial whereas he could move on with, it would appear, very little heartache.

Rejection is devastating at any level, but even more so when it seems to come out of the blue and you never actually get an explanation or reason for the complete change from loving partner to distant stranger.

It seems there are a lot of men out there who can sabotage a good relationship - makes it hard to build trust doesn't it?

hope you are doing okay

did you watch the film... i have it but have not watched it yet

another good book is called men who cant love

ampm - i also agree that it makes you very wary and difficult to trust again.

how are you lamby?