Please talk to me - just been dumped out of the blue and am devastated

[lambypoo]

I would really love some advice and wise words about what has happened this week. I've been with someone for 13 months and we have been very happy - or so i thought. I have been split from my xh for 2.5 years but have been having a lot of trouble from him - really abusive stuff as he is a total control freak. We have a ds together.

Last Monday, I came back from work expecting my xp to be there (we don't live together but were planning to in a few years time). He wasn't and time went on and he didn't arrive. I started to have a bad feeling about this and went upstairs to find that his overnight stuff had gone (he must have taken it that morning as he goes to work really early before I'm up). I knew then that he'd gone and started to really panic. I tried to call him but there was no answer and then about an hour later he rang me to say that he was sorry but he didn't think he could carry on with me as he was confused about his feelings. He said that he didn't feel the same but still loved and cared for me.

I was absolutely shocked and totally gutted because I didn't see this coming and I've been in a terrible state ever since. He apologised profusely for the way he ended it and he was very upset on the phone saying sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me just didn't know how to tell me. He takes total responsibility for being a coward and not facing me.

He did come over one night this week because he said he wanted to see me face to face like he should have done before. It was a painful meeting and all he can say is he doesn't know how he feels, that he's really confused and screwed up by his previous marriage. He keeps saying he still loves me and still wants to see me occasionally and help me through the difficult time I'm going through at the moment with a house move etc. He said he didn't feel the relief he thought he'd feel when he broke it off with me and is very confused but doesn't want to lead me on or risk hurting me again.

I feel that there are mixed messages here and he really is a decent lovely man.

The pain is really hard to bear at the moment and I can't stop crying. Don't know what I'm going to do without him. We had plans together and only 3 weeks ago he told me that he would never hurt me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is not someone to say something like this if he didn't mean it. He is a man of few words who has been hurt and cheated on by his ex-wife and girlfriend before that.

Sorry this is long but I need some perspective. Should I give him some space or just forget it. I really do love him so much and am just totally gutted by this rejection.

Lambypoo, I saw your other posts on Beautiful's thread and although I don't think I can contribute any great consoling words (I'm still a bit rubbish myself right now )you should know that you're not alone - it is a hideous feeling, I know that when it happened to me in the summer I felt like I was actually going mad. He did come back and has now done the same thing again. Not texting or emailing is horribly difficult but honestly the men who do this are pathetic weak individuals - fuck them and their stereotypical behaviour.

Hi Chunky, glad to hear things OK with you and thanks for posting.

Sparky, your ex sounds identical to mine. Upset and confused, demons etc. I go from wanting him back to hating him and around again. How's your new man going? He sounds wonderful from the bits that you've said.

Caramela sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. It must be really awful to go through it twice. How long was he back before he did it again? Were you married/living together? How are you doing now? Sorry, lots of questions which you don't have to answer. I hope you're OK. I know what you mean about that terrible feeling of going mad. It is a physical pain.

I had a really good day yesterday and today, back to square one again. I went a bit mad this afternoon with it all, especially as I've just been told that my new place won't go through for possibly another month and I have accommodation until next Tuesday. It's all too much to deal with and I just want to talk to xp about it all - he was my very good friend too. It's such an awful feeling to not be able to pick up the phone and hear his voice - it really does make me feel lost. I don't have any family locally and feel so alone. There is other stuff bubbling but I can't say on here due to xh. Wish I could because I could really do with some good advice.

How much longer am I going to miss him like this for? I cannot even imagine loving anyone else like I love him. I don't want to know because I only want him. God I sound pathetic but I really did fall for him in a big way. This is torture.

Lamby - sorry you are still feeling this way - I mentioned on my last post on the other thread that even with my short relationship going wrong (sorry,me being dumped) I feel quite up beat one day and then terrible the next - so please think that if you have a bad day the next will probably be better. There have been some sad posts about houses and pensions and finding new people all being problematical when you are not in the first flush of youth - I don't know much about that in practice but I can say that when friends have separated and divorced they always seem to be in irretreivable horribly grim financial situations and then over a period of time things start to sort themselves out and eventually they are back to normality again.

I also seem to have lost a best friend - my X does the same job as me and I'm not that experienced in the field, retrained after redundancy from lecturing, so I really valued having a chat with him and feeling there was someone who cared and sympathised when I was having a rough time. Anyway, onwards and upwards, I'm at home today with a bad cold so I don't know how I feel underneath that - which is probably a very good thing! thinking of you and sending out supportive energy beams as ever.

Hi Lamby, sorry to hear about your accommodation. It's alot to sort out - can you extend where you are staying for a while?

Take care, still thinking of you.

Lambypoo, I know it's hideous but it will get better, not a huge amount of help I know but it is true .

As for my story well, I met him first over 20 years ago, we had a brief relationship and through both misunderstanding the other ( we loved each other but didn't pluck up the courage to say anything ) we went our separate ways and live at opposite ends of the country.
He'd been looking for me for a long time and got in touch last year. I am 'the love of his life' supposedly. I'd had a marriage to a man who viewed me as a housekeeper, every part of our life together was on his terms so we separated.
This other man is also separated but he lives close to his ex, she has a habit of getting in touch with him, exploiting all his feelings of guilt and responsibility and throwing him into the depths of despair and because I'm not physically there, there's nothing I can do about.

When it first happened over the summer it was totally out of the blue - I felt like I would die of the pain, a few weeks later and he'd come to the decision that he couldn't live without me and so I took him back, this time I'm brokenhearted but also exasperated that he's allowing himself to be manipulated again. We were planning to live together as soon as he got a job near me.

As other posters have said, it's grieving for the future you believed in, you should be gentle with yourself, lambypoo - try and find tiny oases of enjoyment in your life and get some support from all those of us who are going/have gone through the same thing. ( And I've typed all this looking at my mobile hoping he's texted, the big tosspot ). Have a hug .

Hi Chunky. Can't extend accommodation as there is a conference on and then I can't afford to go back into it. It's hideously expensive. I have a few irons in the fire though. More bad news today about the property I'm supposed to be buying - not looking good. All that and still horribly cut up about xp who is still totally ignoring me. Actually, when something else goes wrong I've just been laughing!! It's like some bad joke.

Caramela, what' happening with your bloke? Has he contacted you yet. Was he your first love type of thing? He's another one who doesn't seem to know what he wants.

VeryConfused I know what you mean about the friend thing. In all this crap at the moment the one person I crave talking to is xp who always had a wise word and some comfort to offer.

Lamby, you need a laugh. I remember the Bridget Jones film (read the book ages ago) and Bridget tells Daniel Cleaver he's not good enough when he asks her to come back to him.

She had been eating pickle out of a jar and said she chose vodka instead of the crap (not that I'm recommending it myself!).

Take care the grief will pass

lamby, you will get there, i promise. You may never stop having 'feelings' but time will pass and you will not feel this bad forever.

my ex dh upt and left me when dd was coming up for 3. It was hideous. I was devastated for a long long time. We really were in love and very close, and together 10 yrs.

He wasn't a coper, still isn't, and has given us nothing but grief for 4 yrs, since he left. He remarried last yr.

Time DOES help, and my dd has given me so much to focus on. People used to say that, and i didn't believe it, but she is my joy.

take care x

oh meant to say, the reminders of them are very hard to get past, but you sort of get thru them one by one, and deal with them. One of my most ridiculous is that I could not face cooking any of our fave meals for about 2 yrs! It just wasn't right. sad hey!

Chunky, I shall take Bridget Jones example!

Pirate, I think I remember some of your posts before. How are you doing now? Did he give you the old hackneyed reasons that so many of us have been given on here? Must have been hell after 10 years and a dd. I keep thinking I should be feeling a little bit better now but it's only been just over a month. It's just the unexpectedness of it all and the huge hole that's left behind isn't it. Did you meet anyone else?

hi, no i haven't met anyone.

The longer I am on my own the stronger i become in alot of ways. I can't imagine being with someone, ever, am not sureif this is 'ok' for now, to feel like this, or sad!

he's spent 4 yrs being angry, and tbh has practically given up on dd.

I hope you're feeling better today lamby,in answer to your questions, he was sort of my first love, in fact I still have the letters he wrote to me back then. It's all very romantic if you can ignore him behaving like a Oscar winning twerp at the moment.I think he does know what he wants but is an appalling coward.

He did text, mainly so he could tell me how bad he's feeling, the self obsessed turd.

Anyway enough about me and Bollock Face,any good news on the accommodation front ?

Pirate cat , you never know, a George Clooney looky likey with your name on him might be just around the corner

Caramela sorry to hear things not improved on your front. Do you think that's it or are you hoping for reconciliation? That first love thing is very powerful isn't it. I had a dalliance with my first love some years ago but there was too much water under the bridge.

Accommodation front is not looking good. I think I have no choice but to pull out of the flat I'm wanting to buy. Too many complications. I have found somewhere to stay for a bit now so will prob look for another property. Stressful in the extreme.

I wish I could talk about the other stuff but don't want to give myself away. I do have a pretty psycho ex you see.

That's a shame about the accommodation Lamby, perhaps you'll get somewhere better in the end, things sometimes work for the best even when it seems terribly unlikely.

Is there someone you can talk to in RL about the other stuff without psycho ex getting wind of it ?

I don't know if I want a reconciliation or not to be honest, I'm not convinced that I need the complications or to put up with his whingeing any more - if he does crawl back I may well just use him for sex

Hi Lamby

On the accommodation issue - can you settle down somewhere else for a while? It sounds like you just need some time to stand still and recover.

Just looked in to see how you are.

Chunky I've sorted myself out for now on the accommodation front for prob a couple of months so will look for another property.

Caramela, I was going to counselling at Women's Aid but with all the upheaval I couldn't make the sessions. I do have a couple of friends I can talk to although they're a bit sick of it all now I think. Just so hard having to deal with him on top of everything else.

However, I'm getting there.

Sorry to hear on other thread that you've had a bad couple of days. Sounds like you're getting a bit sick of xp though. Is he making any noises about getting back together?

Lamby I bet it's exhausting and exasperating having to deal with him and the other problems all piled on top of one another, he sounds like a right charmer.

As for Bollock Face, I've spoken to him today - he started whingeing on, how he deosn't know what he wants . Very calmly I said that I did know what I want, that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but that I now need to act in self preservation so I told him not to contact me again. No shouting, crying, hysterics or begging from me, much as I wanted to.

I've no idea if I've done the right thing - I do really love and want him and the thought of never seeing him again is heartbreaking. I've deleted his number and texts from my mobile. I'm feeling rather less like a sparkling Dumpette today and more like a weeping, wailing bozo.

I hope your day's been an improvement on recent ones.

Caramela that was impressive. You are so so brave to show that much respect for yourself. How did he take it? What do you think he's going to do now? You've done the right thing though because you've told him how you feel so he has that information and can now hopefully make a decision. There is no more you can do - the ball's in his court isn't it.

God it hurts though doesn't it. You will have a couple of crap days and then it will lift a bit. I'm finding that I have a few good days now rather than mostly crap. I sent that e-mail a couple of days and it was closure. I now no longer feel like contacting him. He has made it very clear he's not interested and I have bigger fish to fry at the moment. Am tonight in yet another house - it's crap - and I'm facing some quite bad crap from xh at mo. When will it all end?

Take care tonight and might catch up with you on the other thread.

Thanks lambypoo, it's very kind of you when you have so much else going on in your life - I'm sorry that the new house is crap and that ex-h is still being a knob.

As for my ex, he sounded as though he was getting really rather upset when I ended the call, I started to ask him if he was ok but stopped myself as I'm not sure it's any of my business any more. I think he will wander about feeling sorry for himself for a while and then turn up back at his estranged wife's house.

If I were a better person, I'd be wishing that they get together and it all works out for them but I suspect he doesn't actually love her ( I know that immediately prior to their marriage, just when you would have thought he'd be madly in love, he was looking for me). He does like her - he feels guilty about the pain he's caused and sorry for her - I'm not sure that would be enough for me.

Hi Lambypoo,
I just found your thread and wanted to pass on some tips I found helpful when my exh did exactly the same to me as yours did? I was almost tempted to ask if it was the same man!!

• A wise friend told me that our body can only cope with that physical pain you are feeliing for six weeks and it will then compensate for it. Although it didn't feel like it at the time, after 6 wks the pain wasn't so bad

-the first 6 months were the most painful (infact, first thing in the morning was the worst time for me!). That pain you are feeling in your heart will moved downwards and this is a positive move (apparently!)

• I kept a journal and noted, amongst other things, anything AT ALL that had happened positive in the day.I read over the journal and found that I was making progress (even though it didn't feel like it at the time)

-After a few drunken text and slurry phone calls I deleted his number from my phone.

• I went to Relate for support becuase I didn't want ALL my conversations with my friends to be about my feelings etc..

-I decided that I could learn from this experience or spend the rest of my life brooding on it. I made a list of things I wanted to do (like travel) and started to work through the list.

• I stopped trying to work out the "why". I still to this day don't know why he did what he did (a week before he told me the marriage was over he sent me a letter telling me how happy he was to be my dh!!)

• This time made me "stronger": I took some time out to work out why I had been attracted to him (and what that said about me- thanks Relate!!!) and what kind of man I wanted.

The end result for me was that the tears ran out, I focused on me, my career, friends, my sanity and a year later I met my DH at my part time job. We have been together 13 years, have 2 DS and my exh is still single.

I hope these tried and tested tips help a little. We've ALL been where you are now and I'm sending a MN hug your way
M x

Hi Lambypoo,
I just found your thread and wanted to pass on some tips I found helpful when my exh did exactly the same to me as yours did? I was almost tempted to ask if it was the same man!!

• A wise friend told me that our body can only cope with that physical pain you are feeliing for six weeks and it will then compensate for it. Although it didn't feel like it at the time, after 6 wks the pain wasn't so bad

-the first 6 months were the most painful (infact, first thing in the morning was the worst time for me!). That pain you are feeling in your heart will moved downwards and this is a positive move (apparently!)

• I kept a journal and noted, amongst other things, anything AT ALL that had happened positive in the day.I read over the journal and found that I was making progress (even though it didn't feel like it at the time)

-After a few drunken text and slurry phone calls I deleted his number from my phone.

• I went to Relate for support becuase I didn't want ALL my conversations with my friends to be about my feelings etc..

-I decided that I could learn from this experience or spend the rest of my life brooding on it. I made a list of things I wanted to do (like travel) and started to work through the list.

• I stopped trying to work out the "why". I still to this day don't know why he did what he did (a week before he told me the marriage was over he sent me a letter telling me how happy he was to be my dh!!)

• This time made me "stronger": I took some time out to work out why I had been attracted to him (and what that said about me- thanks Relate!!!) and what kind of man I wanted.

The end result for me was that the tears ran out, I focused on me, my career, friends, my sanity and a year later I met my DH at my part time job. We have been together 13 years, have 2 DS and my exh is still single.

I hope these tried and tested tips help a little. We've ALL been where you are now and I'm sending a MN hug your way
M x

Mickey you have given me hope on a very black night tonight. I love your tips and may write them down somewhere where I can see them. What you've described is exactly what i want to do.

I have just spent half an hour in the car driving home screaming and screaming and screaming about the unfairness of it all and how everything I touch seems to turn to shit. My flat has fallen through and xh has turned really really nasty and I am at the end of my rope well and truly. Screaming for a cuddle from xp and wanting my mum who lives not locally. Feel so so alone.

Sorry for the downer - not a good day but thanks for your lovely post. I'm glad things turned out well for you.

Hi Lambypoo

Cut yourself some slack here.

In one month you are going through a number of the top stressors all at the same time:

1. moving out of your home
2. buying a new home 3)moving into accomodation you wouldn't choose 4)trying to deal with xh who senses your not at your strongest and is taking advantage of this
3. the man you thought was your future is gone

Any 1 of these would knock any of us for a while.You are brilliant for still keeping going
You can't deal with all of these at the same time

Decide which is the most important 1 and put the rest to the back of your mind for when you've got the energy!!

Where do you want to be in 1 year?

Get the plans down on paper today and then pick one.You've already shown us you have great strength: you've just gotta believe it too!

I wasn't looking for romance when I met my dh. I was busy working through my list of plans and dh told me later that he loved the fact that I had a full life and wasn't waiting for a man! This will happen for you too if that's what you want.

Hugs n good thoughts
M

Mickey I love your posts, they are so uplifting. I will be able to start this process once I get my own place I'm sure. Having a bad day again and missing xp really really badly. Some days are better but I'm having problems accepting that he's never coming back. He meant the world to me and it's so hard to live with this. I can't see it getting better for a while. Not good tonight.

Take care and thanks for posting.