Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

piss up wine tasting

that's better

Fantastic Unlikely! I'll go find myself a goat immediately!!

UA-sorry, I won't be able to come-it'll be too far for me to travel.

TMSB if you set off now with a rucksack and a few water biscuits, a map and a mobile phone, you would find that you are here easily in time for next march.

For example: if you rang me from the phone, I would come and pick you up (say it was from scotland) and you would still probably have a couple of biscuits left to keep us going til we reached a travel-lodge (sp?), then we could freshen up, leave the goat tied to a radiator, go out for a piss up bag of chips, come back, take the goat out for a wee, get an early night and finish the journey to devon the next day.

Yep. That's a plan.

You are so kind, Unlikely, but I'd have to swim across the pond first. My goat might get water logged and...well, not a pretty picture no matter how many cookies I stuffed in a rucksack.

I could sit here all day and tell you all the things he has done, and some of the outrageous stuff he has said, but I have read through the thread, and have gasped, laughed, and marvelled, he is here, amoungst all your words, I still am trying I think to establishthat he isnt!!! although my analytical mind, says ohhh yes he is, my heart screams no, he loved me, still does, hes just playing games!!!! ohhh balls.

His tag lines go like this:

I want to be adored

You womt sleep with me

You have emasculated me.

You are controlling, manipulating

You are cold, you dont love me.

no one would ever dare tell you they disagreed with you, you would never talk to them again.

No fuckin woman tells me what to do

When did I sign up to be a boring old bastard (thats in relation to putting out the rubbish every single time, yawn)

he (my ds) does not respect me

He is changing schools, that school is no good for him (my ds goes to the best grammar in the area, which he passed an entrance exam for, he has wonderful friends, most of whom have parents who are professional, high achievers)

Your job is to look good/fit and say nothing

You never want to go anywhere, we are no longer bf and gf, you just want to be a mum.

You dont want to sleep with me (yawn yawn yawn, thing is I could out bonk him anyday of the week, he is a lazy sod in the bedroom, and of the last few years turned into a right perverted little man, which is my fault for with holding sex, so he has to go to gay porn for it????? yeah ok??????)

Im sorry (i say oh sorry magiv word doesnt hurt now) ok Im not sorry!!

I hate this house its so untidy, shit everywhere (iwork same hours of him, I do everything he does precisley fuck all)

He is violent, he des hit me, first time was after our dd was born by c section, 2 weeks later he strangled me, after that it carried on for 10mnths every weekend mostly, started on a thurday, finished on a monday morning, then a day of crying,then 2 days of him ignoring me and hating me, then back to thursday, this went on until January o7 when I found out he had a friend!!!! No sex just flirty emails, and 1 meet up when it started (workthing) it ended at christmas when forsome reason I found out, 2 days later, I woke up asked him a question about her which he confirmed, so I walloped him over the head. He rang his mummy crying he was scared I hit him?????????? wtf, she said ohhh didumdum, ring the police she is threatening you, I tld mother what was goin on the beatings the verbal abuse, she said sorry not my problem, very embarrasing go away????????? he then rang police, and hung up.... then calmly got in the shower, all the time crying help me please someone help me, and I mean sobbing like an abused child!!!! he then got dressed and left, I was packed and out by the end of the day, left for 3 mnths, then went back!!!!!

Been there ever since, 2 yrs have followed, of abuse, verbal, violence, although not as often I started to defend myself, even hitting him back on occasion, now he just strangles and slaps, and walks me around by my throat, uses his weight on top of me, not done that for 14 weeks though.

He hates my son, he despises him, he will take every oppurtunity to belittle him, to point out where hes going wrong, and how undeserving he is of anything and everything.

He is fine with our dd, but she is 3, thinks her daddy is wonderful and he is with her. He was always always besotted with me, basically stalked me until I gave in, and I did, I was flattered, he has always always been so passionate about me, he has to have attention all the time, love love love, he needs to know it all the time, sex, well that is another story.

I have always been the dominate one in that department, and he liked it that way, but unfortunatley after my dd was born, my pregnancy was absolute hell thanks to him, he was truly an evil nasty peice of work throughout, a drunk verally abusive bastard< i was so stressed, and he was destroying me mentally and eventually ohysically I suffered with an Auto Immune Disorder, brought on my extreme stress, the cruelest thing is that it is a skin condition that effects the vulva, I can very rarely have sex now, its very painful, he has done a brilliant job on me, I am rendered ny on use less as a woman, who would want a woman who is on occasion more than likely impotent!!!!!

His mother is a N without a doubt, between them they made my life hell, everything he does is for his mothers attention, if hes low she will be his friend, if he is doing well she will be his friend, if lifes pretty much normal or healthy she will beat him down until he is rendered no use, then save him, well at least pity him!!!

For a man who loved me with such passion, he would physicall show his love for me it pored out of him, his words, he over the top need to be near me, if not a little stalkerish, he now in a week says, sorry I dont love you, he means it i hear it, no emotion, I know he has gone, and I know now hat he is, before those words, I knew he was an abuser, I knew he had issues because of his mum, but until those cold words I didnt know he was a N, now I knpow, now its all there< and I cant sleep for reading, and trying to put all this into place. He does feel inadequate, he does believe he is better than everyone else at exactly the same time, he truly believes he is the best looking best thing since sliced bread!!! At the same time as feeling ugly and worthless, he has no care for anyone else, another of his tag lines

"I dont give a shit what anyone else thinks, not my problem"

he left, I now know because I was removing him, he boltted because he knew he was about to be dumped. We went on a littl holiday to devon, 5 days with him parents, it went well, me n his mum got on, th last night he had 2 beers, suddenly he was pissed, and he def was drunk, we went for a little walk after dinner, my ds remarked to his sister, daddy is drunk, he he, he went mental, lost the plot, people looking staring, men asking if I need help, women removing their children, my children in disbelief, me pleding begging, he didnt care, he only stoppd when his parents showed up, and then he was MR happy again. The next morning, I got up packed our bags and left him there in Devon, he had to come home with his mum, he stayed there a few weeks then I had to go away for a friends wedding in the states, he watched kids for 9 days, I came home been in the house 10 mins and he was gone, I hadnt hugged him first (dc first) I hadnt sent him a postcard (dc got one each)although I spoke and emailed him everyday. Two days later he ccame back packed his bags and left, the he tried to come back, I said no, then he declared he was going to be a teacher, and he had invented a new fancy golfball, even fantasising about what he would say to them on dragons den????????

And them Im sorry I dont love you anymore, he has lft me with debts, 2 kids and a business, that is now on its arse thanks to him. all I get from his sorry its over, and go bankrupt, why pay when you can just not, hs bankrupt, spends like no tomorrow, but never sems to have anything??

My god I bet thats long, if you get to the end< I apologose for all spelling am]nd grammatical mistakes, I have had little or no sleep for a week, I go to bd early because I am tired then wake a few hours later. I hav been ill yesterday, sickness after finally eating after a week of nothing. My god He is a NPD, bastard.

jesus you poor poor thing, that is totally horrendous. Do not take him back at any cost. Do not have any contact with him at all. Do not let him near the house or near the children.

Call women's aid and get some advice, comfort and support. You have been thoroughly abused - emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically and financially. Where do you live? Do you have friends or family to help you?

Take things one hour at a time. You can get through this I swear. Make plenty of sweet hot tea and nibble on biscuits. Just a bit of food will help. Don't worry about the debts for now or the business. Just concentrate on yourself and the dc. Don't worry about not sleeping either - that will return. You are probably operating on adrenalin and fear. Are you able to get to your GP?

Going bankrupt is an option. The main and only thing right now is to make sure you focus on surviving these next few weeks without making yourself really ill. The dc need you. WE need you.

God knows why we take shit from these N men. It's because they are so bloody wickedly manipulative and haunting somehow.

Keep posting on here my love and we will try to support you and advise you as best we can. They really are not human and being tangled with one and then the fall-out of being discarded by them is just hell.

But you can come through this and be happy and stable again. You will never be with one again because you will spot them a mile off.

You are clearly a survivor and I love your name flaminhell. So the best part of you life is about to begin - the part without this beast in it. Or his fucking family.

many hugs to you

flaming good lord - what a list. It's all so text book , so please don't for a second doubt yourself, or downplay the enormity of what you've been through..

Criticising the state of the house while doing fuck all. TICK. (yeah had that). Blaming you that they've become 'boring' tick. had that accusation too!
He tried to strangle you. Again, TICK.
The kids are out of control/don't respect you/aren't doing well - all your fault. TICK.

You poor thing. I can hardly believe now looking back that my x put his hands around my neck and squeezed and told me how much he hated me and wanted to kill me and what a fucking liability I was............ and the next day I probably made his dinner.
Isn't it astonishing how our perception of what's tolerable can become so bruised and so distorted after years of criticism. YEARS OF IT.

You've got him out of the house now. Hooray. If in his mind he's dumped you (the liability you were to him let him go on believing that. It will be easier to disengage and take back control of your own life. There's nothing to be gained from trying to make him see what a wanker he's been. You'll exhaust yourself and you won't get through to him.

As a narcissist, (and oh boy he's text book, there's no doubt in MY mind from what you list off there) let him believe that he is well shot of you. Ironic, and bullshit of course, but you can get your life back now. This is the beginning.

Mxxx

I sent you an email UA.

TMSB, where would you be coming from?

Flaminghell-I am shocked at what you've had to endure. I am glad that you are disconnecting -360 degrees- from him.

From your post, I got the strong impression that you should never, under any circumstance, leave your children (dd especially) alone with him-not even for an hour. He sounds like such a beast... your children do need protection and please build the boundaries before they become obvious victims.

Writing it out, I believe, is therapeutic and is a way to physically get it out of you, iykwim. It is symbolic also to print out (or write by hand a la journal) and shred/burn the words, too-obliterate it.

Journaling is how I came to be aware of the wholistic effect my middle sister's emotional abuse was causing. I didn't journal every day, but the whole bloody thing was about her, and my anger about her. Hello, clue.

Interesting, I have not journaled in over a year.

MaggieBeauLeo, I am an American. I live in Virginia. We are a family of 5 on a single income...we don't really travel much. Although we are planning a nice trip to San Diego next summer-dh has tons of air miles from so much travel with work.

Flaminhell you are well rid of him. Do all in your power to keep him away from the DCs. Try to eat, even if it's just fish fingers and biscuits. Give yourself time to get over the shock and trauma don't even think about the business or anything practical until you're functioning again.

oh right TMSB, I thought you were also in Ireland. Enjoy your airmiles!! sounds great. San Diego, would love to go there. One day. (and one day I will).

Flaming, Even just typing all your thoughts in a word document, with your entries dated would be cathartic release. Is this your first w/d without him in the house?

Hi all, again, its good to here your kind words and to know I am not mad to find this behaviour unreal, its been my reality so long I dont see the problem with alot of it tbh, so to hear (virtually!!) you say that its crazy behaviour and that it is abusive makes me feel a whole lot better, I was beginning to think I was probably thinking more of it than there was.

MBL no its my 3rd weekend alone, the last 2 have been so very quiet, earily so, and I suppose from a mum with a family to a mum whos kids are at there dads at the weekend, it will be quiet. I am sure I will get ust to it. He rang and left messages for the most of yesterday afternoon, I ignored, he then rang and spoke to dd as we have arranged, I did not speak to him, he then text, I ignored. lates last night this morning je text to say sorry for abusive messages, but it wasnt his fault it was because I was ignoring him????

Today nothing, and he hasnt rang as arranged to talk to dd, he is due to pick her up at 12 tomorrow, i doubt he will turn up, more power to him if he can convince his family I have not let him have acsess, which I know is what he will say, and I will again be the big bad girlfriend and he will play the martyr, been here so many times I know whats going to happen before it does.

I am resolute< I have never been that before, I know what he is now, I can name it, and I can see you all sharing your stories, and I can see it, and laugh at some points, although macarbe, its so ridiculous that he is such a tosser to believe his own crap, I have read about them re writing history, I have seen that, the destruction of my belongings, my last house (which was his own) was so badly damaged, doors, cupbpards, curtain poles, windows, even the ceilings, he brought the kitchen ceiling half down because he refused to stop showering when it would leak through the ceiing below, he was so angry that I would tell him its leaking turn the shpower off, he would have me put a bowl under the now hole and a towel, because he was going to have a shower in his own house!!!!! He never considered fixing it, just did it until he couldnt anymore. There is so much, it remarkable that he truly does tick so many boxes, although, its sad, I would much rather he had a bad temper but truly loved me anyway, but this way, there is no going back, never mind hes crazy, but no point if he cant love, its wasted on him.

And I really have to say that I have read and re read through your thread, and it has helped me enormously, I wouldnt have known all I now do if it wasnt for you sharing, it has made a difference to my life, it really has, thank you ladies.

I hope you all continue to find your place, and your children grow in happy homes with there strong mothers, I think you all are survivors, of such awful men, I can not believe that they exist in normal society, and are ignored by it because its so perverse and ridiculous how could it be true, it must be us that are mad, easier a mad woman than a mad man!!!

Flaming ..... you're in the eye of the storm, you can see the chaos and mayhem for a brief moment, but now you've seen it,there is a way out and you're on your way hon..
keep strong .. xx

am also blessed and uplifted by finding you all ,
yet fucking pissed off that so many fuuvking great women have had their lives affected (I won't say ruined because we've plenty more life to live ) but pretty fuckin set off the course of what we deserved,...by knob head dick head bastards....

FlaminHell your N actually sounds extremely dangerous and much more violent than the N I have experienced. Although of course they are all different!

I wonder if he is actually a Psychopath which I believe have similar criteria to an NPD but tend to be more violent and have little regard for social norms.

There is a US support forum called thePsychopath support forum. GettingaGrip has signposted it earlier in this thread and there is a whole section on psychopaths and narcissists.

I do feel very chilled and scared for you reading what you have posted. Please do make sure that you and the DC's are safe and don't let him into your house. Could you get some advice from Women's Aid about what you can do to keep safe? I know you have had the week from hell and it is utterly draining trying to take all of this in and make sense - but he does sound very dangerous.

Please take care of yourself as it will be difficult to hide from him that you have sussed him no matter how hard you try.

It won't be long now until you're a strong survivor too - you're on your way!

Hugs X

I must be very conditioned by my N because I dont find him to be a great danger to me, although my body does react strongly to his calls I can become very shaky< an sick, but for some reason my mind doesnt acknowledge he is a danger. I think the likely hood of him being a psychopath, is low, a narcasist I am still trying to accept, tbh I really can not see him as truely that yet. I think I am in slight denial and I will have to slowly accept it, he has made it all so not so bad, so what your not in hospital!! Your not dead, as I write I see the words differently than I heard them, he was quite reasonable actually, it made sense that it wasnt that bad.

I know he is a N, it makes sense, its taking its time to really sink in, I do think maybe I am wrong at times, but its beginning to feel right, and its not so much all the irratic, violent emotional side to me what makes it real is the I dont love you, that is where the mask slipped, because love doesnt dissappear in less than 5 days, us healthy normal folk know this, he doesnt, thats where I see him, and one of his favourite things to say is I always get what I want, and hes not looking for me, hes not thinking of me, he doesnt want me, and to be held under such a strong will for so long you feel that weight and when its lifted and gone, now as it is, you know it.

I can feel he has left me behind, he does not want me anymore, he doesnt look or see me as he always did, that passion (Hah maniac) that he had isnt there, his eys are not focused on me, he started to walk with a limp last week as he dropped off dd, walking to the house none, leaving the house he looked like the wounded solder, head bowed, dragging his leg, all very sorryfull, but that wasnt for me, that was for his dad, who watched his son return his dd, and saw the bitch that is me, smile and say hello and show no remorse for my wrong doings while he limped away!!!!! I know it I see it I feel it, I just cant for now get my head around it completley, so psychopath will take a little longer for me to digest, I dont think I am in any danger, he has no interest, his family are feeding him at the moment, come christmas if he still has no job and no money I am sure he will be back for attention, by then I will have a stead iron resolve, and he will have no power here.

I am so pleased I found this thread, its like at last figuring out what the switch does that never worked or where the thingy ou have kept in the kitchen drawer for months goes, its like a bloody revalation, so pleased. How did you all cope hpow did you get away with you mind intact? and how has it affected your future health, does anyone have physical issues from your time with your N?

flamin I too am worried for your dcs. I think any contact should be supervised and minimal.

Have a good look at [http://www.thenarcissistandpsychopath.yolasite.com/in-the-news.php this site]] for info, if you haven't seen it already.

We have all had different experiences with our Ns (gettingagrip calls them Nutters ha ha) but it seems we have all had that 'light switch moment' and following on from that moment, have found that reading all about this ghastly PD and understanding their cruelty in this new light, is critical to our recovery. It has been for me anyway.

You ask about keeping a sane mind and about physical issues in the aftermath of him discarding us. Well in my case I very nearly lost my mind.

Just to recap, my xh stole 20k leaving me with nothing and with our 6 month old baby; he walked out on his job as a secondary school teacher (he had been lying and not marking any work for a whole year} took a suitcase full of condoms and copies of Homer and Virgil (wanker) and flew to Thailand where he engaged in a lot of prostitute sex then completed a tesol course (lying about his career background naturally) and two months later got a thai victim girlfriend; they quickly moved in together and he got a job teaching at a University (oh so much better than a UK secondary school of course - he is classic classic textbook N)

He flew out at noon on a saturday. He had done the same thing two weeks previously but I got the police involved and persuaded him to return home and seek 'help' for his 'depression.' The relationship disintegrated when I realised what he had been planning and I asked him to leave the house again - he said he was going to stay with a friend and would stay in touch while we sorted out splitting.

In fact he calmly got in the car again (returning down the garden path for his raybans - typical) got in our car, drove to London stopping for lunch on the way (pip pip) dumped the car, posted the key back to me, got on the plane again and vanished.

Sorry for that ramble. Anyway, the phsyical issues for me: I didn't sleep for about four months. I was constantly boiling hot and sweating and felt I had blood poisoning. I operated on fags and wine alone. I cried and sobbed, I had to organise a million things financially - get tax credits, benefits etc.

People were mostly shocked and very kind thankfully. I lost three stone. I had terrible hallucinatory nightmares when I did start sleeping from utter exhaustion, and I drank too much. I MNetted frantically and people on here were totally amazing.

I have good RL friends and I leaned on them every minute of the day on the phone. I needed constant support. At the end of the first month I was in such a bad way my son was removed from me for three days by social services. I was arrested and put in a cell for a couple of hours for 'making a malicious phone call:' I had rung a friend in australia in the middle of the night in utter despair and she was so concerned I was going to top myself she rang the police here who turned up mob handed with paramedics and tried to make me go to hospital with the baby. I was so terrified I said I didn't want to go and so they arrested me and carted me off to a police cell and took my baby to hospital.

I swear, sitting in that cell, holding one piece of bog roll, I got my iron resolve. It hit me like a bloody sledgehammer. I said to myself and my boy 'that is it. The utter bastard is not going to cause me to lose my baby.'

The police doctor was very very kind. he said I should be released immediately and reunited with my baby but in fact it took me three days as the baby had been fostered

This was the worst worst experience of my life.

Xh's family have totally ignored me and blame me for their poor boy being 'driven' to leave by me, his awful 'mad paramour'

In the end I had to stop calling them to try to persuade them that h was the nutcase. I have had no contact from any of them for 9 months and hope never to hear from any of them again.

I never never thought I would get over it all. My h sent me two weird emails in the months after he left. They really show him to be a mad fucker. But each one left me in complete turmoil and set my recovery back. I actually felt sorry for him!! (very typical behaviour in a victim of an N I now know)

I was only able to start any type of work again 8 months after he abandoned us. I started cleaning. My brain is still frazzled but it's healing again slowly after such a trauma.

Physical issues I have now are the return of periods when I sweat and panic all the time and have bad dreams about the wanker coming back here. I have classic symptoms of PTSD which is also common in victims.

I have learned to slow right down and not do everything at 100 miles an hour, and to give myself time before making important decisions.

I know when I am 'going wrong' as I now call it (kind of fall apart emotionally - PTSD) and am trying to force myself to ring some RL friends and get them to talk me down when this happens (about twice a month. It usually lasts a few hours) rather than drink too much wine which makes it ten times worse!

I feel fitter, stronger and happier than ever. My son is now 22 months and a dreamboy. I still read a lot about NPD (there is a very good book - my 'handbook' - called Narcisistic Lovers, http://www.amazon.co.uk/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837 order it here which I keep by my bed.

I have wobbles when it all feels very surreal (it IS surreal) but I am coping well now. I got myself onto the Women's Aid Pattern Changing course which really helped too.

I have had to totally re-write my life because I realised, after discovering NPD, that I come from a family riddled with these people and I had been trained early to be perfect fodder for male Ns in my adult life.
I have cut all contact with my family but that has been important.

I embark on counselling again with a therapist who knows about NPD, in a week's time.

I am so sorry that this post is very long. But the message is, you will get through this. I stopped agonising over whether or not he truly had a PD after about 6 months. I still get crazy looks from some people when I say 'my xh had NPD' but I take no notice now.

I hope I never ever see him again, I miss him in very very rare moments and I worry about having to explain it all to my son, but all the shit people in my life disappeared when my Xh did and I am back to my true self now - the 'precious gem of a person' he discarded so cruelly (thanks to fucka for that phrase and a bit to big-myself up)

Again apologies for the length .

oh, and it's been 15 months now since he left

I meant this site

Jesus UA. I knew that, but reading it condensed like that...........

I also get crazy looks if I every say that the reason I left my x was because he had NPD.

Flaming it is like the eye of the storm as fuckadoodledoo says. Oh I can picture him so clearly!, hobbling into your house like the martyred hard-done-by character in this play about HIM, while all the minor bit parts observe him in the role he's created for himself.

NOT responding to the texts etc is like trying to ignore a dripping tap while you're trying to sleep.. but they will stop.

Just over two years ago, my x's parents also had the view that I just UPPED AND LEFT and took their grandkids to Ireland on a whim. They were hideous, his mother anyway, I had HER as well shouting vile accusations and insults down the phone to me and txting me to tell me what she thought of me.

I never insulted her, but I did TRY (in vain( to make her see why I had NO CHOICE>

Roll on two years, and without a word having been spoken I know that his mtoher's view of things is beginning to change. She is aware that he has contributed nothing. She's aware that he won't pay for her flights to Ireland to see the kids (although he will take some girlfriend who hides in a hotel room all week). It's not that I've been waiting for his mother's pardon! far from it!!!! But time has a way of making people see things a bit more clearly.

Btw, I think he is 'about as violent' as my x npd. If you can measure it.

At the moment, my x is no risk to my children. IT was ME he sought to control. And it was MY lack of control that angered him. He was a NUTTER, absolutely, but NOW I don't worry when he takes the kids out. To be honest, I did worry in that FIRST year that he would do something hideous. For a while every time I opened the paper I read about some crazy separated father who'd done something outrageous. So, as nauseating as it is, it's a good thing that his parents are around to observe him in his play about HIM the martyr, iykwim. Their presence will inadvertently keep his behaviour now close to normality. He'll save the insanity for you.

Take care, stay strong, enjoy your free weekend.

mx

sorry, my lack of 'obedience' that angered him i mean.

flamin... one hour one day at a time , and I can imagine each is an eternity. .... you're on the right side of it now, really it will only get better, If you can, take an hour, a moment to just not think about it all, read a great/crap book, watch shite telly, and distract yourself for a little. give your brain and heart a break for a moment to gather strength xx

Wow, I have been reading the link UA, I am gobsmacked, it seems my ex is a pretty good impersonator of a NP, i have jumped away from my laptop holding my open mouth, more that once this evening, i am remembering and realising things, and today I have realised I have never seen him upset. I have seen him angry, I have seen him though over 10 yrs ago, be devastated when we spilt up, he truly was uoset then so I thought, but I have no other memory of any emotion like that. If I try and remember one and I do pin point it, I sudenly realise it was never upset it was his tears for him, about his treatment, his devastation, wow, what a week. I have used some of the techniques I have learnt from your thread these last few days, and they have worked, more for me, to have control, not be sucked in, I feel empowered by them.

I spoke to my mother today Digi, she has told me, she has always thought he had control issues, and that she has been scared for the dc, not because she thinks he would ever want to hurt them, but she says she thinks he would want to hurt me by any means, a thought I am trying to deal with as my dd is with her father tonight, I have always felt that he would never harm my dd, I have never before been concerned, so I will go with my gut instinct, for now...

MB, my inlaws have NEVER like me, always disliked me, I have never been able to figure out why, although when I was pregnant, and we were having problems (him and his mother made me their joint target, used me to satisfy each other it seems) he told his parents plenty of lies about me, all of which I found out and told his mother in front of him that he was lieing and they werent true, she still dislikes me, although I doubt she knows why. I understand how frustrating that is,

I am turning into a reading machine, and I am coming around to what was, and trying to let go, I have taken to thinking of him, as a past boyfriend that I hold a candle for, and this chap who causes all the grief he is seperate, I dont connect him to my love, I think that will have to be dealt with soon though or else I could end up with problems!!, I will have to let them both go. Maybe as TMSB says write it down, Ithink I will and then bury it, remove him, bury what was and leave it there, I take the courage that started this thread by Realme and use it, because just seeing all these traits these now obvious signs, and then somehow seeing how someone else dealt with it, this is how to do it, follow me, makes it easier to do.

I have read through all your comments today and you all have succeded to deal, it really does help, amazing the power of words.

Sorry, the link to that book again: order it here

Writing it all down again like that has set me back actually so it's nearly 4 in the morning and here I am writing on this thread and baking a loaf of bread.

I don't worry about these bouts of insomnia and panic too much anymore, because I do not have to do a frazzling mental job so don't have to get lots of sleep (I can easily clean houses shattered but I couldn't do my old job shattered ) and because I make Sunday a special day now for me and my baby boy:

we do the weekly shop going round the aisles nice and slowly, I buy myself a fat Sunday paper, I cook a full roast dinner for myself with lots of leftovers, (I have a friend coming today to help me scoff it)

then me and my boy sit on the sofa and he looks at books or clambers over me while I read the paper with a nice glass of wine and the tv on. I make a point of being civilised and kind to myself.

Everyone, it is important to treat yourself kindly.

therealme I hope that you are ok about your thread being 'poached'. Please keep posting on it when you need support.

I am still set for the 6th march 2010 conference by the way. I have friends in the media and they are very interested in covering it.

Need to think of a catchy title: something like 'Creating Understanding about Narcissistic Twats and how to Survive them.' geddit?