Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

You're a LEDGE UA, they will come! I hope the coffee and pastries will be nice at your conference!?

Hey! I was so engrosed in reading that link you posted Unlikely that I missed all the posts about the 1st annual 'N Survivors Meet-Up' !

Well I'd be well up for it I can tell you!
I actually met up here in Ireland with the lady who first directed me to google NPD. It was like meeting a long lost friend, we both connected with each other because we 'just knew' what the other was taking about. There was no need for lengthy explanations about things, no need to give a pre history when talking about a specific incident, it was like we were talking about the same person when we discussed our lives with our ex N's!

Hey, I'd be in, tho I'm feeling less , I was going to say less of a victim, less abused... less.. something victim in some ways, it was a shortish relationship (4 years) and no physical abuse, and I think he left before he really ground me down too much, but god when he left he LEFT, have now had no contact for about 3 weeks or so (Our baby is 15 months! 3 weeks is a long fucking time in my opinion and her life I think?) And I suspect I and my girls will never see or hear from him again... Which is good. but painful. sooo fucking painful.

In many ways this thread is keeping me sane, but it's also obsessing me... was he? Is he? I know no real healthy man acts as he has done, and done before.... I tried explaining to a friend today and her response was along thelines of "oh I think you can over analyse these things, get over it..." [crushed]

however.... I hear Devon's lovely and you all seem a lovely bunch of ladies...so I'd be more than happy to join as a hanger on/tea maker/wine pourer/eve's dropper/ eaves? dropper? xx

You had a baby with him fuckadoodledoo?

Sorry but you're in this group!!

I'm also starting to analyse even before my npd x. You know, yours and UA's disappear in a puff of smoke class of npd reminds me of the bf I had before my npd x, he dumped me with a phone call when I thought everything was going well, he delivered an hideously brutal and upsetting character assasination and then after that, nothing, zip, no contact. That was horredously painful. Obviously I wasn't in any danger, as he just cut all contact, but I had that feeling that he'd re-written history. I felt just as dehumanised by him after he dumped me as I did by my children's father, my real npd x I'll call him. Wow. My head is spinning with that.

New things are occuring to me all the time. I wasn't abused as a child and I didn't have an unhappy childhood, btu I was very anxious and a bit of an underachiever.... I wonder if I've ever had a normal boyfriend. Jeez. sad. But if I ever have another I swear to god he'll be the first normal one.

Ah yes fuckadoodle, I get that a lot too re the stop trying to analyse/label.
It doesn't work though. Everybody spends time trying to understand why a 'normal' relationship broke down after the event. When you suspect there may have been an underlying issue like a PD behind your other halfs behaviour it makes the trying to understand a whole lot more complex I think.

I spent many years trying to make a marriage work with someone who was not normal. I'm not going to be able to just shrug my shoulders now and say 'Oh well, no point in dwelling on the fact that I gave the best years of my life to a freak. I'll just forget about all the pain, misery and countless nights I spent in utter confusion, the depression and bleak times I was suicidal, the friends I lost, the family I was encouraged to leave behind. I won't pine for the life I could have had either, opportunities I missed because I was using all my energy to cope with living with my h. Sure, it doesn't matter now that 17yrs was spent focusing on him to the extent that I forgot I even had a life, and so on and so on....'

After nearly 2 decades of being wrapped up in his life I can surely be allowed a while to become self absorbed in analysing what it was all about - from my perspective?

A 'normal' break up it was not.

Even if anybody could successfully manage to sit on all these questions and just move on imagine the problems that would be storing up for later.

Let's be American about this! analyse it, understand it, deal with it...

It hurts less when you do that, so that's a good thing. I plan to be happy not a fcuk-pu who is suppressing issues.

Kerry Katona is what happens when you don't deal with it!!! (sorry Kerry).

Oh fucka-
Is your 'friend' normally so dismissive?
You may have shocked her a bit and maybe she didn't know what to say so went to a rote playback response. But that is being too kind, perhaps. Some people don't get it and won't consider it until/unless it happens to them as Unlikely mentioned.

4 years is not insiginficant, imho. And pleas stop devaluing your experience ('no physical abuse'). Emotional abuse can be more insidious and long term damaging than physical-(barring death obviously) believe it or not.

Tell us not to analyze, grrrr . Tell us not to trust our own brain. It is one of the strategies the x bf many years ago used: "It is not what you think" he'd say; or "The first thing you think it is, is wrong". Without even waiting to hear what I thought about it.

Exactly, therealme- from our very own perspective...and shock them more: we have our very own feelings too. And we know we are not irrelevant. And we know we are not stupid.

Wow, that was kind of a rant...

So, four weeks tomorrow, therealme! Any clelbrations planned?

Yes Toomany, I'm taking myself and the dc away for a long weekend on Fri morning. To the back of beyond, far, far away from here!

Conversation with ds,6 tonight;
'Where is Daddy sleeping?'
'At Nana's'
'So is this your bedroom now?'
'Yes'
'So where is Daddy's bedroom going to be?'
'I don't know. Not here though'
'Oh. Ok.'

And that was how my ds learned that his Mum and Dad are now living seperately.
No tears, no questions.
Bless his innocent mind.

Ha ha Maggie! Just read the Kerry Katona comment you made! Actually, I feel v sorry for her...

You know Maggie, I think the fact that you were dumped unceremoniously by your pre N relatonship did set you up nicely. Your ex N saw the rawness and vulnerability there and went in for the kill. Did you tell him about your previous bf? Did he know how hurt you were?

I met my h through my ex bf. The boyfriend was a twat who cheated on me regularly and my ex was aware of this. My h always said that he saw me as this fragile girl who needed taking care of. He did a bloody great job, didn't he?!!

UA - that sounds like a generous offer although I imagine I'd be too shy to turn up.

I recently read through the list of the patterns and characteristics of a co-dependent on the co-dependency website and was royally shocked to find how much corresponded to me. I've been wondering about going to one of those meetings although the 12-step programme/god stuff does certainly put me off.

I wont be shy.

Come on. Do it.

Hi therealme, and everyone else.

I am in the midst of seperating from my partner of 5 yrs, he has without a doubt NPD, its only now after 5 yrs of hell, and a very bad breakup that I see it, I knew he had issues, but I did not put him with NPD until literally this week. (although I have a degree in psych so I feel just a little daft not to have seen it sooner!)

I could go on, but to be honest I am so tired, I have been reading and trying to understand what is happening all day, and now all I have left to say is I know, and you are not alone. My ex dp has declared he does not love me, this is what sent me of wondering and trying to peice it all together, its not been said in anger or haste, it is a true reflection of his lack of feelings, I do not recognise the man, he may look and sound the same, but he has gone. Its as if he is dead, he walked away and left me and my dc, debts a business, and the hell of a break up with a "sorry its not worked I dont love you". Years of violence, control, endless mind games and manipulation have brought me to this one empty moment of I dont love you.

I am mourning my lost love, but he never really existed, and I am trying to not become more down trodden and emotionally abused by his replacement, the man that looks and sounds the same, but is not my dp.

I know your pain I know its hard, but life has to carry on, you have to live your life, and leave him to his own self destruction. Im sorry I am tired, and over emotional at the end of a long manipulated day, he still is in my life, albeit only when he chooses, I am slowly but surely moving away mentally and emotionally from him. Its hard, but BY GOD its liberating, I mourn what was, although it never really was, but to me, he was real, and I loved him none the less.

Stay strong, know why you want what you want, and remember, it is him not you, I saw a brilliant quote today:

?Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people? not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, fellow gossips & enabling, misguided lackeys close. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!? ? A. Valerious


flaminhell, that is the most wonderful, wonderful quote in the world. For that one quote I want to run to your house and give you the biggest kiss and hug ever imagined and tell you that everything is going to b alright. Because it is. I promise.

Tell us more about what has happened lovely. We will all support you. You will get strong again. Of course you are tired. Slowly sleep will return.

Remember, projection: 'I don't love you' means he doesn't love himself. And they don't..they loathe, detest and despise themselves. There is no room in their sorry lives to love anyone else because they are too busy pretending that they are ok to themselves in the mirror of other people, accumulating things and money, experiences, sex, clothes, cars, whatever, but all the time they are running away from their own sick image.

Dorian Gray - he was an N definitely.

Yes and you were chosen because you were good and kind and lovely.

And all that loveliness was reflected back to you at the start of the relationship. That wonderful person you thought was your partner was really you!

They then make themselves feel better by breaking you down.

Idealise-devalue-discard. Classic.

There's no fun in destroying an unpleasant person...oh no...all the fun is to be had by gaining your love and trust and then flinging it all back in your face later, as a weapon.

I know the feeling of wasting your life on a freak. I spent 23 years with my freak! And his freaking family.

NO MORE!!!

xxxxx

And PS meetup sounds good.

Fabulous quote FlaminHell, that's made my day. And hope you will soon be free of your NPD. I worked for more than a decade with a charity supporting women who (among other things) suffered from domestic violence. and I didn't recognise abuse in my own relationship .

I hope you will find a little support for yourself here.

I'd love to join in the conference too Unlikely!

Have a good day.

Hi all,

Just thought I would update you a bit. I ran into my sister in town after I had been to the CAB the other day and ended up telling her about my plan to go to college without telling P. (Is it easier if I refer to him as N btw?) She seemed a bit shocked but went off to catch her bus, I got onto my bus which she then suddenly came back and got onto! We got off a bit before my stop and took DS to the park and I told her I was thinking of leaving. (But not about the NPD - though we are close, we have never really had personal/painful discussions)

Anyway the next day I was on here and trying to get college sorted and feeling very hopeless, and just as I got DS to sleep my mum turned up (my sister had told her) and gave me a huge hug and I burst into tears and told her everything, she was great and got me to ring WA (I didn't get through, managed to get through to a local DV helpline), then we went to the council to discuss housing, they were fairly dismissive and said it would be best for me to stay here I did explain about the landlord being P's friend and feeling like he would check up on me but apparently that is irrelevant.

However the DV team rang me back yesterday and suggested I apply for a crisis loan. I have also phoned my cousin in Scotland who offered to come down and share a flat with me when she finishes Uni (in May) - that's too late to help now, but my mum has suggested we could all go up and live in Scotland for a few months while I decide what to do. She has also invited me and DS up to the Lake District for Christmas - no charge

It is still scary, but it feels easier. I have got options now and people behind me.

Sorry I haven't been able to reply to everyone. I am feeling quite drained at the moment. I hope you are all well and safe. Meetup sounds like something I'd like to do when I am feeling more settled.

Bertie, I'm so pleased you opened up to your sister and Mum. I did the same thing a few weeks ago after years of silence and pretending everything was 'normal'. They weren't shocked, they have been very supportive, and despite living in 3 seperate countries we communicate regularly and I feel supported.

Flaminhell, your post brought tears to my eyes. I went through that feeling of shock a little while ago when I learned what NPD was. I was in a daze trying to understand and re evaluate my whole married life with my h. It too left me emotionally drained as I went back over the years I spent with him, thinking he had felt the same way about me and our dc, and then trying to get my head around the idea that I didn't really know him at all. It turns your life upside down. No words can describe how truely shocking it is to finally learn the truth about a man you thought you knew so well.

Thinking of you. xx

bertie that's great that you've told your mum everything. I think telling people really means that you've moved on, you just have to sort it out and deal with it. "just". Well, you kwim.

TRM I feel really sorry for KK too. If there'd been a camera on me after that guy dumped me with a phone call+brutal character assasination.... oh boy, I would not have come across well. We had mutual friends and I tried to get them to SEE what he had done to me. They didn't want to see. He was charismatic, popular, sociable, so easier NOT to see. They didn't OWE me the loyalty I felt they owed me and I SEE that now. But I was unhinged for a while. And that is when I met you know who!! Yes, I was a basket case when I met him. Still really, really upset and confused over the first guy. Then along comes an NPD, or was it NPD2.

flaminghell good quote. It's true, there is no higher accolade than being rejected as a supply by these NPD men.

It's interesting that you did psychology and that that was still no ... armour against becomign involved with an NPD man.

There needs to be a known label before we identify what seems like nasty, selfish, cold behaviour. if we haven't even heard of it, we can't suspect that's what it might be.

Thank you for your kind words, its a bit of a shocking week, I am trying to get my head around everything I am reading, but its too ridiculous at times, I see so much more clearly now, the things that were always odd and made no sense suddenly fit, above everything just now I am tired, so very tired. I cant move half the time I am just reading and thinking and writing things down.

This all started years ago, so many things, I couldnt get it all down, we were together for 2 yrs then split for 4 then back together for the last 5. I hear all the remarks, the control, the violence, the whole thing now relates. I have been trying to fix this for so long, and now I realise its not broken, its just all wrong.

Tbh, the more I read I am becoming more scared, I hear it in his voice now, before it was just him being angry, now I hear it flat, dead, no emotion, sinister even. Just now he has text and rang which i have ignored, then a voice mail, RING ME, then another dont ignore me, for days he has refused to acknowledge my existence and now, he has no control hes ringing continusley, 6 times in the last 10 minutes. He cancelled a meeting we had arranged for tomorrow to go over the business, I said fine, i think he expected me to be so desperate to see him I would cry shout scream, I didnt so he carried on texting, is that ok, you ok with that etc, i just yeas fine. Then calls he doesnt want me, he just doesnt want to be ignored, hes gonna do this all day n night until I answer. I wont answer.

Good for you. He actually does have control, though, in his continuous communication efforts. You didn't respond and now he's doing the texting version of a tantrum. But Ns don't lose their tempers, they use them, imo. What might seem to a normal person as an effort to communicate with someone about business or whatever is actually a way of keeping you conscious of his existence and an attempt to remind you of his importance. Ns absolutely cannot stand to be ignored. The only way to deal with him is not to respond at all.

Flaminhell, ditto to your h's behaviour. As soon as I realised about the whole 'supply' thing I started to disengage. I too had to start cutting my self off emotionally - he might have been able to do it for years, but I never could.
Anyway, the less I communicate with him now, the more he comes seeking my attention.
Be prepared for gifts and flowers.
Be prepared for some weak attempts at acknowledging that he was in the wrong 'sometmes - but only because you drove me to it' kind of thing.
It is all just bait - an attempt to draw you back in to the cycle of behaviour that you may have shown in the past when things were bad. If he can get your attention - his supply fix - he will try it all.

Hang in there - the shock will pass. xx

Flaminghell, good for you. NOT answering will be the very first indication he's had in years that you are not 100% controlable. He needs to start digesting that.

It's hard, but worth it, cos he will stop trying eventually. He may never understand, but that's different.

I had to disconnect the landline and switch off my mobile for days when I left. He was so angry that I wouldn't take HIS abuse.

As TRM also says, it might go something like this

1)Niceness, pleading & flowers,
2)exasperation & disbelief that you won't accept their version
3)Nastiness, anger and insults.

Slight interlude, then you're back to

1. Flowers.

It does end, when you stop reacting and responding.

TRM Is it a month today?!? The anniversary of him leaving your house? NOT sleeping in your house anyway?! Congratulations on your first month sans NPD!

Sat March 6th 2010 is the day I am arranging the NPD survivors piss -up-- conference . That allows time for fixing, booking, arranging, and for all of us to meet a nice man/goat!

Please let me know if that date is (as far as you know this way in advance } going to be ok?

Goats will be allowed in with their own troughs or whatever goats eat off >