Moll I have never posted to you before but I wanted you to know that I'm rooting for you and dd.
I have been where you are now but without a child. I got myself into counselling b/c I was unhappy w/my marriage. I am/was a very strong independent woman, I was the one others came to for help and support. I ran my own law firm, I was a kick-ass woman at work, at home my XH ran the show - without appearing to.
I completely lost myself. But eventually with the help of my lovely counsellor, my friends and especially my sister, I rented a place for myself, left and filed for divorce. XH started off saying he would do everything to get me back.
Once I left, I never wavered. I wanted to mention that to you in case it happens with you. I wavered for 6 months in counselling. 6 years later my counsellor and I are friends, she tells me I went in twice a week and one day I was leaving, the next I could make it work if only I tried hard enough.
Once I left, I never looked back. I never considered reconciliation. Lawyers are required to suggest conciliation services. I wouldn't consider it. I have never had a moments regret about leaving. My only regret if I have one is that it took me so long and I was in that relationship for way too long - 22 years.
When I left my sister and my family were so worried I would go back. There were only 2 people who knew I wasn't going back, one was me, the other was my counsellor.
My sister was terrified that XH would make promises for change and I would falter. He did and I didn't. Of course it helped that his promises changes didn't last.
A warning though, women in abusive relationships are more at risk of physical violence after they have left than before. I had been with my XH 22 years, he'd never hit me. 3 months after I left he assaulted me. I pressed on with the prosecution and he was convicted of assault. The risk is very real particularly with men for whom passive/aggressive control is so important as it sounds for your H. Protect yourself.
I wish you strength and support over the coming weeks and months. I wish you peace too but I think you will find that when you move into your new place. I am so glad you have your family there and particularly your sister flying in. Thank God. Like you I had never called on anyone for help in RL, I had a life long problem with that. I asked for help from whoever I needed it from. They all gave it willingly glad (they said) to have a chance to pay back to me. It transformed my relationship with my sister who til then had always been my "little" sister. She got tough and protective and stood by me all the time, driving to the other end of the country in the middle of the night to be with me in A&E when XH assaulted me. She rang me every day to check up on me, she was unfailing, I feel I can never repay her.
It was a long time ago but reading your long thread has brought so much of it back. I am astonished now to think I found leaving so hard. But I did. For many reasons, many of which I have worked through, some linger.
I found a new partner and we have been together 4 years. It's a miracle but I have found a wonderful man, I am truly blessed. I had some trust issues left over from XH, took a while to work those through but NP has been steadfast and unfailing - and I have remembered that I'm a pretty good catch myself!
Good luck to you Moll, you can and will do this. Hang tough, stay strong and feel the love and support of those around you - both real and virtual.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
nje