Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

[PrettyUselessHousewife]

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

I don't think you should do everything, but I'm not sure about sharing out chores equally either.

In our house - dh does the typical bloke stuff (car, mowing lawn, putting bins out), handles some of the finances, plays equal part in children's bedtime, does half of the grocery shopping, cooks on a Saturday.

But I do all the other meals, all the washing, and am responsible for all the cleaning and all the ironing (even though I choose to pay somebody to do it, but that's my choice!)

i don't do everything, but i can do most things during the course of my day, and dh and i share whatever's left in the evenings.

i TRY to do all my housey stuff during the day so that we can relax at night.

he does the lion's share of "man" jobs like gardening, putting the bins out. but then i do our diy as lovely dh is useless! (i am useless at diy too but willing to give it a good go and teach myself!)

x-post emkana!

When I had young children at home all day I expected DP to do his share. Now they're both at school and I have plenty of time I don't really expect him to do much at all as he works long hours and is shattered when he gets home.

I guess I didn't really mean equally. Just more equally than at the moment

emkana - your dh puts the bins out, deals with the car and mows the lawn? Without being asked? How did you make this happen?!

I think it depends on teh people in the relationship, TBH.

It sounds to me as though he is being very unfair.

You should both have the same amount of relaxation time in the day. You can't look after a little one and do loads of housework, it's just not possible.

In our house I do sod all and DH does loads. Mainly because I'm pg at the mo and knackered, but generally he sees that looking after DD is wearing and at home we are in it together. He would never demand or insist that i did anything at all. We both often hank each other for the stuff that we do respectively - keeps the old mutual respect thing going.

tricky one although your Dh should definitely not tell you what you should be doing

The way I see it (I am a SAHM) is that I do the house stuff during the day and, when DH comes home and at weekends, we both do it That includes child care, laundry, housework etc.

It is not fair that he watches telly on his arse every night while you do the chores. Both of you should get the chores done and then sit down together

(IMO - that's what we do and I do know that my DH is pretty good when it comes to that sort of thing)

As well as hanking each other (god I'm so lucky that came out with an H rather than a W) we also thank each other...

I do most things, but that's more because I like things done a certain way (I think).
Don't get me wrong, I seriously think our days as SAHM's are alot tougher than actual money-earning working, because it's 24 hours, there's no getting away for the night or even lunch nreak, and it is the biggest job with the most responsibility you'll ever have. So is also quite scary (I think anyway)
But, there is alot of pressure on the OH to bring home enough money to ensure survival.
Like you, I didn't chose to stay at home so I could do the hoovering, I decided to stay at home so I could raise my children, that doesn't make me a 'housewife'. What I do expect, is for dp to come home and make himself useful where the children are concerned, after all, they are his too and he has a job and responsibility to parent them also, but in regards to the housework, I would like him to do bits and pieces, but I don't expect a 50/50 split iyswim.

Not sure what to suggest reeally. I understand your frustration, I really do. Me and dp have had a rough few days because he said to me that he works so I don't have to, the cheeky git, but like every other area of life and relationships, I think you have to comprimise and find the middle ground.
Before ds2 was born, if I bathed and put ds1 to bed, dp had to cook dinner and vise versa. that was a massive help.

OK this is the basic simple answer: how much free time does each of you get? It should be about the same: being the SAHP doesn't mean you become the other one's servant and being the WOHP doesn't mean that you become the Important Person who has to be serviced by the other one. Childcare is work even when it's unwaged, being SAHM doesn't make you someone who is at work 24/7 in return for your keep while the WOHP gets wages for a 40-hour week and is free to do what he s/he wants the rest of the time.

Tommy - he doesn't watch telly on his arse every night by any stretch - he works late a couple of times a week and looks after my ds one night a week. It's more at the weekends that I really resent him relaxing while I slave away...

littleboyblue - that's a good point about the pressure on bringing home enough money - although I feel like I suffer there anyway as constantly worried about money and beating myself up for not managing to have a proper career that was worth going back to after giving birth

I am SAHM and do nearly everything to do with the house and kids really. DH works long hours and is sometimes ill.
I agree that you should both have some time off and that he needs an understanding of how you spend your time.

What does he mean "you chose it" Was the dc a joint decision or not? If you choose to go out to work then there would be more to do in the evenings and weekends I expect. If you choose to stay at home then you are available to do more at home but it doesn't mean he can sit back and do sod all.

Sneeze - that's a great point - maybe we should sit down and look at how much free time we each get. I like an excuse to crack open an excel spreadsheet!

Whyme2 - I did choose it, in that I have always known that I would want to stay home with my kids (as I didn't have that as a child and hated being the only one of my friends with no-one at home after school). However, with the recession, our financial situation is much worse than expected and I think secretly he wishes I had a high paid job to go back to.

PUH Me too. I feel guilty that I didn't go back, that I have to rely on dp to give me money to buy the food for my babies.
I feel completely crap that if I want a new pair of trousers, they're bought with his money, although it's not his, we made a commitment to each other and decided to start a family, so he earns our money, and I look after our children, I see that as a fair split tbh. There is pressure on both sides. he has to do whatever he can to keep his job, especially with all the stuff going on with lay-offs, nd I feel the pressure to raise my boys properly. Both things keep us awake at noghts
Don't beat yourself up though. You shouldn't feel bad because you don't earn the money yourself, you are doing a job that is very important, with you at home, you can ensure your dc is brought up to yours and your dh's ideals. That's the reason you stay at home isn't it?
A friend of mine has just become a stay at home dad and his wife has returned to work. they have a 3 yo and a 2 yo. He told me that he cannot believe how hard it is! And he only looks after the children. His wife told me he might put a load in the washing machine every few days, but she has to do everything else alongside a full time job. He says he wishes he'd known how hard it was pre-agreeing to this arrangement

I do all: the laundry,the ironing,changing beds,dusting (hahaha),cleaning the bathroom,cleaning out the chickens,night shifts with dds.
I do some :cooking (but all baking),nappy changes,hoovering,tidying up,gardening.
I never:cook an evening meal for dh and I ,take the rubbish out,make breakfast.
so DH has never cleaned the loo but he does make supper every night and give the girls breakfast every day (and bring me breakfast in bed).

I think when you have children under 5 (esp under 3) then you should share things out more evenly. If you choose to SAH once they're in school then yes, you should do the lion's share.

I have 3 of 5 and under and DH does quite a lot at weekends. He gets up with them one morning and takes them out on a Sunday afternoon. He also does most of the cooking at the w/e. He works long hours through the week so isn't really home to do much anyway.

We both view it very much as my job being looking after the kids rather than the house. I think when a woman becomes a housewife rather than a carer for her children then her marriage becomes something else.

Surely he must know that you working would mean more to do at home? Unless you were really earning big money
I think weekend chores/childcare need to be split - you need some time to relax aswell.
Don't be hard on yourself about your career choice, it doesn't make you his skivvy. You ar caring for his child.
Good luck with your spreadsheets.

sorry - misread that bit.

I think, when you have young children, life is generally pretty knackering and you both have to just do what you can to stagger through.

If you are a partnership, then you need to share out the jobs - simple as that

DP and I have been discussing this, as when this baby is born, I'll be a SAHM. We are both of the same mind - that I will work the same hours as him, but from the moment he gets home from work, it's all equal, as are weekends. He will not be sitting around watching telly while I cook dinner, for example. Also, as I will no longer be earning my own wage, his pay will be divided equally between the two of us (although he'll get a little bit extra for his travelcard and lunches). It seems the only fair solution. Obviously, I'll probably be starting a similar thread in a year from now, when it hasn't all worked out according to my dream of equality!

Full time SAHM should do most things if partner works F/T.

helly and MRC I am very

DH takes rubbish out and now and then he will shop but I try and avoid this as it is very expensive.

I guess he's a good'un.

He always says that he can only do what he does (lawyer) and earn what he earns because I (mostly) SAH (teach one day a week). He works stupidly long hours and if we both worked F/T family life would really suffer.

I like your optimism effie.
Cornsilk - I do agree and rise to the challenge (most days) but I would like dh to have a little bit more time with the dcs or just to give me a break, after all he does get 2 days off a week.

Good luck effie!
Thanks for all the opinions. Gotta go as dh just got in and wants to tell me about his day. Will check back tomorrow.