Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

[PrettyUselessHousewife]

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

With a man like this, you would pobably do all the housework even if you were an internationally in demand brain surgeon.

izy - done my share of incredibly demanding 1.5 year olds!

Mine are incredibly demanding older kids now

See if it was just DS(5) and me it would be leisurely, he's fairly low maintenance, a bit wingey but nothing too irritating -DD is something else!! It really is age, amount and personality of kids that makes the difference to domestic ease.

httm.. we have the shoes off rule and food only incertain area but unfortunately mess gets dragged around anyway. and the worst of the mess is the 6000 cars and fiddly little toys that materialise all over the house 30 seconds after the kids get up each morning.

as for pegging out, my garden is a bog... standing water 9/10 days so i can't bring the kids out with me on those days as thanks to peppa freakin pig they immediately submerge themselves in the biggest muddiest puddle they can find (and they have plenty to choose from). i also can't leave them inside alone while i go out as they either kill each other or break something every time.

on top of that, i live in western ireland, it's damp and drizzly 360 days a year here and with a bf baby and 2 toddlers i can't just drop everything and run out to spend 10 mins grabbing it all in again when it invariably starts to rain... take today for example, there are 3 loads out there but i very much doubt they're dryer now than when they went out as they've been rained on a few times.

and for the record, i prefer the cats to a clean house... i'm not just going to ditch them to save me a bit of work... with that mentality i might as well ditch the kids to make life really simple for myself

and wtf? lunchbreak? when? where?

See, Pink, you have 100% of my empathy - hopefully when the kids are older we too will be breakfasting leisurely etc.

All my washing has been bloody rained on aswell...to be honest I would love to go back to work if someone would have me... sob!

I think that what is coming out of this thread , apart from the OP's needs, is just how little we all ( myself included) were aware of how our lives would change once we had kids- or more than 1 - and were balancing home and work, or just home and sanity!

It is a real shock to see the increase in washing, cleaning, chores and demands made by a family compared to life either on your own, or as a childless couple.

Some people are quite frankly, more organised than others, as in everything. Some people make life harder by having loads of pets(!!) and sometimes choosing ( not always I know) to live in places that are not ideal if you have kids ( this is not aimed at anyone here- so don't take offence.) It is also much harder if you can't afford the basics such as a washing machine which works!!!

I think one "problem" with MNs is that we cover the whole spectrum of society- from career women, to mums who have never worked or had a demanding job, to families who earn £££millions a year, to others who can't afford a working washing machine.

This is why it is so hard often to give support, as we are all coming at it from our own perspective. I was- I am being honest here- totally amzed to read one mum say that she would get her washer fixed if she "won the lottery" and it made me feel humble for things that I take for granted- I cannot imagine being in that financial position.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is- it is all much harder for most of us than we imagined!

god that was a patronising post httm

why is it being patronising to try to take a look at something from a broader , more philosophical persepctive?

oh no I bloody knew it was going to be hard,being a SAHM especially with two, but without going into details I decided that DS should have a sibling. It wasn't really because I thought my life would be more 'complete'.

'Some people make life harder by having loads of pets(!!) and sometimes choosing ( not always I know) to live in places that are not ideal if you have kids ( this is not aimed at anyone here- so don't take offence.) It is also much harder if you can't afford the basics such as a washing machine which works!!!'

oh no I bloody knew it was going to be hard,being a SAHM especially with two, but without going into details I decided that DS should have a sibling. It wasn't really because I thought my life would be more 'complete'.

PT- you are overly sensitive- I am stating facts.
I made it very clear that not everyone has a choice over where they live, but on the other hand it is plain daft not to consider location if you have young kids and rely on being able to get to shops, have a good transport network, and so on.

Similarly, having pets is not essential, and I for one would not and do not have any as I do want the extra work involved.

I am only speaking the truth- sorry if you find it unpalatable.

I'm at SAHM and I do everything at home as my dh works full time in London. Until, one day I flipped like you would not believe. DH comes home and sits in front of tv or comes home pissed. Whilst I appreciate he works hard, so do I thank you very much. I have not ironed any of his work shirts for over 2 months now. I told him he has got to start doing a few things. My day never ends like his days does. do you agree girls?

I don't understand why anyone gets their shirts ironed for them. Who is so busy and important they can't iron five shirts?

nkf you are so right, I was a right muppet ironing them in the first place.

PinkTulips - I have two DSs. Everything I said is what I do and will be doing on my own from January.

Your situation does not sound good but with minor change could it be made easier?

I have some friends who live in Kerry and every time we visit - it chucks it down so you have huge sympathy on the washing/drying front! Surely getting a dryer is an essential? That would make a massive difference. If cloth nappies are the problem, can you use disposables. I recognise those two solutions cost money but it would make your life massively easier if you could.

I honestly cannot see why you need to clean the house every day. I never have done that and we have two mucky boys. What we do though is very strictly keep the boys toys, games, muck in their one designated room - not allow them to spread it everywhere. The 'no shoes rule' is a good one for keeping muck down.

Pets are forbidden in our house but if your cats are causing a mess can you keep them in one part of the house only?

I see that you live very remotely, in the same way as I did as a child so I know that life very very well. however, my parents bought a big freezer chest and went shopping once per month in bulk. If you live remotely can you get a big freezer and get a bulk order of staples once every 1 - 3 months and buy fresh food once a week? Again I recognise this costs money.

As howtotellmum says it takes imagination (she was not being patronising in her last post either in my view) and taking a good look at your own particular situation. I know not everyone has the same amount of money to spend but small changes can make a big difference.

I think feeling appreciated in what you do has a massive bearing here.
I am a SAHM with 2 pre-schoolers and I do 95% of everything around the house and of course the childcare.
I try and get most housework done during the day as I go along so that both me and DH can sit and relax in the evening.
If I havent cooked a big dinner already for the children then we generally both take it in turns to cook once DH is home so that makes things feel more equal.

Of course there are always days like today when NOTHING gets done at all. We spent all morning at the Drs with DS2 after NO sleep last night. Came home late for lunch, so stopped at McDonalds!
Arrived home only for friends t drop in unexpectedly, which was lovely and kids all played together and had great fun, but caused threefold mess and left me with no time to tidy up!
They left at tea time. Kids had tea, bath and just got in bed.
I realise a bed time that DS1 wet his bed last night and I havent changed sheets so he has gone to bed in my bed!

DH will be home in half an hour. I will have dinner on, but kitchen is a bombsite, lounge is buried under sea of toys, biscuit crumbs and discaded clothes and I am exhausted and cant face doing it all!
I will bet money that Dh will thank me for dinner, show sympathy for busy day and then load dishwasher and sort out kitchen for me - I will tackle lounge and toys in the morning with a fresh head on!

I dont begrudge doing nearly everything when I can fit it in purely because its not EXPECTED for me to do it all the time even when I cant fit it in iyswim.

actually we chose to move away from the city as the rent was crippling us and we needed a good school and a nice area for the kids to live.

and not having pets isn't an option for me.. the benefits of the immunity they provide and the life skills they teach far outweigh the slight extra mess.

i make choices for my family.. not just for my convenience.

and although it may surprise you, more people are in the 'financial position' of having to think long and hard about spending hundreds of pounds/euros on something for convenience than simply being able to run out and buy a new washing machine.

and for some of us even if we have the money we choose to spend it on our kids first and the washing machine last.

PinkTulips - my original post was aimed at you but for some reason you took a attitude. I do not know why. Your lifestyle, which you have now explained more fully, seems to be at the extreme end of the scale.

You have chosen that life (and to have cats) so I do not see why you are complaining. You could have chosen a somewhat different life from most but I am sure you could save £200 for a dryer over time or even borrow from your local Credit Union at very good rates and repay at say £5 per week. I work for one in the UK so I know how they work and they are very prevalent in Ireland.

It sounds to me as though you had some kind of 'ideal buccolic rural life' in your mind when you moved out of the town but the reality is that kind of life is very very hard graft and it is very inconvenient and isolating. I know it because I have lived it and that is why I live on the edge of a town now and would never go back.

Anyway, I'll leave it there.

fruitsticks, coz isolating myself in the middle of the countryside except for a once a month trip to the shop would make life much more bearable... shopping trips are my sanity fgs, they get my insanely hyperactive kids out of the house for a few hours!

and i didn't complain about my cats, they create less mess than dp does fgs and there's 3 of them!

we have a playroom, toys don't stay in there, and i refuse to pen my children or my pets into certain areas of my house... all of us live here so all of us use the space as ours.

restricting your children to make life easier for yourselves doesn't sound like a positive approach to me, i'd rather be permanently behind on tidying than become my mother permanently giving out and imposing ridiculous rules.

and fruitstick.... your kids and mine are differant people, mine do create mess, i have friends who's kids play with one toy for hours and make very little impact on their environment... my kids aren't like that and i love that about them as much as it infuriates me

"restricting your children to make life easier for yourselves doesn't sound like a positive approach to me, i'd rather be permanently behind on tidying than become my mother permanently giving out and imposing ridiculous rules."

But a happier mummy=happier DCS?

You'll hate me- my DCs each had a fab time in their playpens- only 1 in at a time mind you- bliss- could hang the washing out in peace!

I think there is a balance between "restricting your children " and imposing "ridiculous rules"
and putting them in a safe place, so you can get on with a few things.

Also- it always amazes me how people here say they cannot afford XYZ, YET they have enough money to buy a PC and run the internet, and the time to spend posting when they say they haven't enough time for housework - if I had to choose between a washing machine , a tumble drier or the internet and a pc- the washing machine w ould win!

abetadad, actually we both come from rural backgrounds so knew exactly what to expect.

in the city we had no garden (and no tumble dryer, hot press or space to dry clothes), our rent was 400euros a month more for an appartment less than half the size of our current house, the area we lived in had 25,000 houses and no primary or secondary school as yet, and we were miserable.

here we have a garden, a lovely school across the road, a community that welcomes us and fresh air and countryside all around us.

yes there are added difficulties but the benefits far outweigh those.

my origional posts weren't intended as 'omg my life is so awful'... i'm sorry if they read like that. i merely wished to point out to those of you who posted along the lines of 'if you just did x,y &z your life would be so much simpler' that not everyone has the same options.

Pink just re-read your posts especially the first one, they dont come over as your 'life is horrible'. Being a SAHM is no piece of piss, whoever says it is so, are either lying, have a nanny or family help or the kids are in school most days and they have forgotten what it is like to do it 5-7 days a week not just term-time. It can be HARDWORK. I did not love my previous jobs, but I am sooo ready to retrain and start over in paid work, however wierdly it makes more sense financially for me to be at home atm.

To repeat OP, by all means get a routine going, but also realise you are not alone in thinking the role of the SAHM is tough at times. Get help where you can especially from DP.

httm, in our case we need the pc (7 years old given to us by my dad) and internet (cheap awful O2 dongle) as we're both studying and have to do coursework online.... yet again you make assumptions.

yes mum = happy kids to a certain extent, but you wouldn't exactly apply that logic to a mother that neglects her kids to go to the pub, or leaves them crying in their cots to watch tv as those things make her happy. therefore it's not a universal rule

i was very restricted by my mother's rules growing up; no food anywhere but the dining table, no shoes past the front door (even enforced with complete strangers and her pregnant sister!), clean the shower and dry your feet before you step out, make your bed every morning, clean your room every week, never make a mess and spend more time cleaning than playing, etc., etc. and no i was not happy. i was such a depressed child i made my first suicide attempt at 11 years old i moved out of home at 17 and never lookedc back and still hate being there, my mother's house is lovely and clean alright but it's a horrible place to be.

i'm happier living in mess with happy kids than living in a clean home with miserable kids

the only part of it all that does affect my happiness is the laundry and there simply is no solution for that one, all the organisation in the world wouldn't change the fact that ireland sucks for drying clothes