Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

[PrettyUselessHousewife]

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

Panic panic panic - OMG - have I posted on the wrong thread????

OK - phew...

howtotellmum - look at post 25th May 22:40:37 written by op... prettyuselesshousewife is a journalist...

that is fantastic - ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

• reminds me of the song "I wish you liked gravy" - I used to really love....

actually.... my friends explained it is "I miss you like crazy" she is singing!!!!

while dp is at work i deal with the kids and if i have time i do the laundry, cooking, tidying and scrubbing... in that order of importance.

when he's in the house jobs are shared equally, i don't leave stuff for him to do when he gets in but if there's stuff undone he helps do it. i do all the laundry because he has issues with the washing machine but he does all the cleaning up after dinner including tidying all downstairs and sweeping/hoovering as i get the kids ready for bed.

i'm not saying we have it perfect, there are still blowouts when i feel like he seems to be doing alot less than me and where he feels like i'm asking him to do things he doesn't feel are necessary. atm he's out of work as well so i'm having to point out alot more jobs during the day as he tends to think 'i might as well leave it all til the evening'

i'm lucky in a way though as dp took care of dd while i did part time work as a baby and had the two older kids on his own for a week when ds2 was in scbu so he's under no illusions about how much it's possible to get done with them in tow... he knows full well there's days i don't get a seconds break from them to so much as make a cuppa so he'd hardly expect me to get housework done too.

btw... fillyjonk, your washing saga is prety much the same as mine, with the added major issue that i have a backlog a mile high as i can't get stuff dried and run out of places to drape wet laundry after a few loads and the kids dirty faster than i can clean

it's actually making me manically depressed atm.

and the sorting out the dry stuff and folding it all up and putting it away is in danger of giving me a nervous breakdown!

OP - Teafortwo is right - there are lots of "alternative" ways to use your writing talents in a more flexible way whilst you're being a SAHP.

My DH, for example (who is not a twat) has been "sexing up" copy for academic institutions - particularly when they are trying to appeal to the corporate world and where their own, slighlty more formal/dry prose just won't grab folks attention.

You might want to try contacting some local universities etc and see if they need anyone like this?

The pay was really good and was a doddle for DH - he could do it once the kids were in bed, or whilst DS was napping and DD watching TV. Just page long selling docs that you can keep popping back to and noodling with.

Anyway, just a thought.

Maybe you should start a thread titled "Ways to make money from my writing talents whilst being a SAHM"

abetadad.... i have a few problems with your ever so helpful bullet points

'I cannot believe that people are going supermarket shopping. Get it delivered. Yes go out shopping once a week for bits and pieces but that is it and make a list as you go along during the week and the do it in one go. Make menu plans for th week so you get everything you need online and do not have a to do a separate shop(s) every few days' - we live in the middle of nowhere, there are no supermarket deliveries here. we vhave to drive 5 miles for local supermarket, 15 miles for lidl and the butcher and 40 miles for tescos

'Washing clothes - get a load on when you go to bed and put it on to dry when you get up along with another load in the washer. That is two loads a day which is surely enough for any household.' - actually you might find that with three under-5's and cloth nappies that no, 2 washes a day doesn't scrape the tip of the iceberg (or laundryberg)

'Cleaning just do downstairs one day, upstairs another day and kitchen as you go along during the week.' - the kitchen and downstairs ^have to be done daily, we have 2 toddlers and a babty not to mention cats, once a week cleaning would mean we had 6 days a week of filth... proper kimand aggie style filth. upstairs gets done whenever i can get a chance which is rarely

'Other stuff like paperwork and bills - just pay on line and file letters and bills in a wel organisedfiling caboinet as they come in the door - it just takes a few minutes per day.' - actually, we kind of do this, we pay everything direct debit and anything that comes through the door that needs sorting gets done immedietly

'Ironing, is reduced if you tumble dry and take them straight out instead of leaving them sitting there gtting creased. Sheets can be put straight back on a bed without ironing this way.' - we don't iron but we also don't have a tumble dryer... drying clothes means 3 airers constantly full of damp clothes, massive piles of dry stuff to be folded when i get a chance and occasionally wading into our bog garden to hang stuff on the line to be rained on

iirc you have one child right? funnily enough i was quite organised when i had just the one too

It's just not as simple even as 'fitting the chores around the kids'. If I tried to wash the kitchen floor while the kids are around it would be skidded on in a matter of seconds, water everywhere. Sorting and tidying - no point while the kids are around. Hoovering - not during nap time, ditto putting washing away DD very light sleeper. Some people dont even get the benefit of kids napping in their rooms in which to do chores.

I dont subscribe to this 'he's been working hard all day, poor lamb' well so have I and the washing still needs to go onto the drawers so let's get on with it shall we?!

sycamoretree - great idea - I was wondering that too...

(pssst - I'd forgotten about your husband's twat status ha ha ha - is he the man who wrote a book about being a Dad? If so - I'd love to buy a signed copy of his book for dh for Fathers day... I actually liked the article... (so unmn) what do you think? Or am I confusing you with another mner? )

There are lots of mners who write for a living I am sure someone knows of a job going somewhere or a good area for pretty to work in....

Shall we wait and check with pretty about setting up a thread? Or surprise her?

LOL teafortwo, no, DH is not THAT MAN! But yes, I was referring to the same thread. I can't write that phrase on MN now without puting the twat or not a twat disclaimer though as it must amuses me!

Let's wait for Pretty to come back, as she may be able to construct best possible OP to garner the best results.

Should I mention my 10% commission now, do you think

Sycamoretree -

Yes - lets wait - this is exciting!!!

This morning I've been putting all your tips to good use and am feeling much more positive. Normally I would've felt like I had to take ds out somewhere but I decided I was going to get the house back to tidy so tomorrow I can clean.

Sorry if this is too much boring info but so far today I've put nearly all the clean washing away, put two more wash loads on and pegged one out, tidied every room except the spare room aka ds's future bedroom (which is beyond help) and washed up the breakfast things.

I'm working hard to try and get over the fact that ds has shrunk my running kit by switching the machine to 50 degrees and tumble dry when I wasn't looking. I'm finding chocolate digestives a big help.

Also found time for a couple of stories and a few songs so I don't feel like a rubbish mum, and we'll feed the ducks and go to the library this afternoon.

I still think there's some negotiation to be done with my dh regarding the split of household chores, but I suspect if I raise my game, i.e. if dh comes home to a clean(ish) and tidy house every day, then he will raise his game too. Fingers crossed!

Thanks for the help re my writing - Sycamoretree and teafortwo - I think it's one for another thread so I'll probably start one later and try to post a link on here. I'm in the suburbs of a Midlands city so it's a good bet for work really.

teafortwo - you made me laugh. I can't count the number of songs I've got wrong over the years. One favourite - that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tidy feet. Always wondered what tidy feet were but it turns out it's TIGER feet. Whatever they are

Panics - social services will be at my door...

I hadn't really forgotten about dd - it was a joke.

We have had a busy morning actually - I fit my posts around our games and chores!!!! - I suppose that is the success of mn - it is an easy skill to learn (lets change the game - you go and choose, darling... surprise me.... type type type type)...

link to "that thread" about the twat man who wrote a book about being a dad.

Forgot to say PLEASE!

Well, since you remembered your pleases, Balloonslayer...

Didn't realise it was already in classics...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=mumsnet_classics&threadid=757299-Tim-Dowling-for-example-is-a-twat#1547 1830

OP Why not take a look at this thread to help you get on top of the housework. There are also a couple of decluttering ones around (I started one of them but have been so useless at actually doing it that it seems to have dropped out of threads I'm on )

As for how much you do, it depends entirely on your own situation. For example, when I had a 0-10 month old who screamed all day (and night), as well as a toddler at home all day with me, then I did a lot less housework and expected dh to do a lot more. Now ds is older and although still clingy and demanding, will play alone or with dd for 20 mins at a time I can get a lot more done, with very little effort. When he was tiny it was a huge effort just to get showered and dressed and get the dishes washed-yes I could have just put him down and let him scream while I did it but the stress involved in that wasn't worth it to me.

Am PMSL at the thought of sorting out laundry with him either watching or helping though-the few times I've done it with him there it all gets thrown around the room, folded piles knocked over, bits dragged to other rooms in the house... I do that either while they are in their bath (dh usually baths them when he gets home from work), or while he is napping-more hassle than it's worth otherwise.

FWIW DH used to do nothing but when ds was born he started to help with dd, then started sometimes washing dishes in the evening. I do do most of the housework, but I now get 45 minutes or so to quickly tidy round and cook dinner while he baths the dc and I no longer feel like I'm rushing around trying to get everything done while he sits down and watches tv in the evening. At weekends he'll ask what needs to be done and we'll share it out, or he will take care of the dc so I can do it uninterrupted. Oh and we don't iron much but what does need ironing is done by him

My dc's aged 7,5 and 3 are on half term at the moment, so i decided to take the week off work in order to spend time with them. Big mistake.I am absolutely knackered and cannot wait to go back to work. SAHM's you are all doing a fantastic job. The money your other half earns belongs to both of you. If your dp/dh doesn't appreciate how hard you work do what my friend did. She spent a week at her parent's home leaving her dh with their three children, Her dh almost had a nervous breakdown he couldn't believe how hard it was being a SAHP. He now appreciates DF'S efforts and no longer complains about the state of the house when he gets back from work.

Now, you see forehead, that's exactly why I think the issue is more about attitude of mind than how many minutes or hours each person spends on laundry.

I'm also off work this week, and am loving it.... leisurely breakfast, getting dressed when I feel like it, getting a lunch break...

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my work and would be bored witless staying home all day, but I really can't say being home is hard work!

VH- but do you have DCs at home still and how old?

pinkT- Ithought betadad's ideas were spot on. I think that sometimes you have to use your imagination to prevent dirt as well as cleaning it up! For example, I never allowed my DCs to take food out of the kitchen or dining room when they were tiny- saves on the cleaning no end. As a family, it's always shoes off the minute we come in the door. Pets- don't like them, ( had a rabbit) didn't have them- too much like hard work!

I wonder if many of you actually peg out the washing? I manage to peg out on 90% of days all year round, and although we have a tumble drier it is hardly used- and maybe just for a few minutes to finish clothes off that have been outside.

Lunchbreak? When?????????

leisurely breakfast?????????????

I am also at home this week and it is soo relaxing. DOing all that I do over the course of a whole day rather than crammed into short evenings and weekends.

I am sending my incredibly demanding 1.5 year old to yours VH I need a break!