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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

222 replies

PrettyUselessHousewife · 22/05/2009 22:47

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

OP posts:
izyboy · 26/05/2009 21:14

Yeah, well I live in Wales with no dryer which is why I empathise.

Original poster
PrettyUselessHousewife · 26/05/2009 22:14

I feel your pain. We were bought a dryer as a gift just before my ds was born and it made a massive difference. Not sure how I would've coped without it.

Just wanted to tell you all that I really think I've turned a corner, mostly thanks to all the fab mumsnetters who've posted on this thread. I've realised that I genuinely was "making a meal" of the housework and it was more to do with my frustration at the drudgery of my life and lack of intellectual stimulation than dh's attitude. I feel like a weight has lifted now I know what the problem is.

This evening dh was obviously pleased to walk into a tidyish house with his dinner all ready to be heated up, and he happily washed up afterwards. So progress has definitely been made

Obviously I'm not saying that all issues have been resolved and everything is now perfect, but I think we're on the right path. And this thread has made me realise how crazy it was for me to think that being a "Household Manager" as I now like to call it, would be enough for me.

Now I just need to relaunch my "career" so everyone over here please!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyUselessHousewife · 26/05/2009 22:27

Claireybee - thanks for the housework thread link but that looks way to scary for me!

Sycamoretree - please can I have more info about the work your dh did and how he got hold of it? Universities are such big places I wouldn't know where to start or who to call and the websites aren't much help either...

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 26/05/2009 22:32

PT- that's a daft comment- how could I possibly mean that- why chose such extreme examples?

Internet I am making assumptions yes, and in some cases those assumptions will be valid- they are not for you and were not aimed at you personally, though you chose to take them as such.

howtotellmum · 26/05/2009 22:33

Just wanted to tell you all that I really think I've turned a corner, mostly thanks to all the fab mumsnetters who've posted on this thread. I've realised that I genuinely was "making a meal" of the housework and it was more to do with my frustration at the drudgery of my life and lack of intellectual stimulation than dh's attitude.

Pleased you have been able to find a way through.

MiniMarmite · 26/05/2009 22:38

I've been wondering about this too. I hate housework and I seem to be worse at it now that I am at home all day and see it building up around me (and when I clean it just gets food thrown at or vomited on within 5 minutes anyway). DH doesn't really care about the mess TBH but I beat myself up about it and can hear MIL's voice in my head telling me how she had all the kids bathed and in bed, house cleaned and food on the table before DH arrived home!

I think that it all depends on how much time and energy each person needs to spend doing work (including being a SAHM) and that housework and the like need to be divided fairly.

PinkTulips · 26/05/2009 22:56

mil is lying MM

httm... they may be extreme examples but they were meant to be to illustrate my point.

i don't self sacrifice for my kids but i do put their happiness and well being ahead of mine... that's my choice as a parent, it doesn't mean i'm badly organised or just need to be told how to do things better by some kindly people on the internet

wastingmyeducation · 26/05/2009 23:06

I turned down a free tumble dryer last year. Now way on earth we could afford to run that! Besides the crippling guilt that using it would generate.

Now a dishwasher on the other hand would be lovely!

PinkTulips · 26/05/2009 23:12

we have a dishwasher... i ease my guilt about all the evivironmental destruction by overfilling it hugely, using eco tabs and running it on the 50% eco wash

MiniMarmite · 26/05/2009 23:36

For you PinkTulips environment.about.com/od/greenlivingdesign/a/dishwashers.htm

PinkTulips · 26/05/2009 23:58

oooh, that's cheered me up no end thanks MM, i can tell myself i use it to save the planet now

FourWomenAndAdy · 27/05/2009 01:49

My wife had a really good job as a sales rep before we started our family. We planned for her to stay at home and look after the baby and played it by ear. I thought she would be crawling the walls within weeks, I was wrong. That was nearly 12 years ago and she is still a satay at home mum (I hate accronymns and text speak). She does everything cfooking, cleaning, shopping, schools runs. When I can I help to maybe blitz a room for a spring clean at weekends but I must admid to hating msny household chores. However I look after all of the finances anything outdoor, cars, drains, plumbing, heating, electrics, mine and her financial affairs. Runi two cars, one just for school runs and NCT cofee mornings (she wishes). I find I can concentrate at work a lot better knowing I have someone I trust looking after my kids. That's worth more thsn satellite tvf or the latest 42inch wide TV or foriegn holidays.

Original poster
PrettyUselessHousewife · 27/05/2009 12:26

"(I hate accronymns and text speak). She does everything cfooking, cleaning, shopping, schools runs. When I can I help to maybe blitz a room for a spring clean at weekends but I must admid to hating msny household chores. However I look after all of the finances anything outdoor, cars, drains, plumbing, heating, electrics, mine and her financial affairs. Runi two cars, one just for school runs and NCT cofee mornings (she wishes)."

I'm so surprised no-one has yet taken issue with this post! This is exactly the 1950's type scenario I'm trying to avoid in my own home. I will grit my teeth and try to be gentle...

Ady - do you hate correct spelling as well as accronymns (sic) and text speak? It's great that you do seem to pull your weight with the more "manly" tasks (I deal with all of that in our house) but ROFL at the fact that you hate many household chores. What a great excuse not to do them! I personally enjoy nothing more than running the hoover round or cleaning the cooker. Oh, what fun

OP posts:
izyboy · 27/05/2009 12:28

I just wonder what cfooking is - would it make my life easier? On second thoughts probably not....

Original poster
PrettyUselessHousewife · 27/05/2009 12:30

wastingmyeducation - I thought it would be expensive to run a dryer but actually I think we've saved overall because I no longer have to put the heating on just to get the washing dry.

OP posts:
sorky · 27/05/2009 13:04

It depends on the day I'm having, on what I can get done.

Essentially my house is always a midden because I have 4 kids at home all day (unless we're out).

I HE so there is no childcare, no time to myself. God I long for the days when I spent 6 hours reading a book, stopping only for tea

Mondays we clean the house from top to bottom and do all the laundry, there is nothing HE (structured) on Mondays.
If the baby has slept well, meaning I've slept well, then yes I see to the allotment, tidy the house, make the meals etc. Dh always does the shopping, he's more frugal than me. I generally do everything else, but if I want help he'll chip in no probs.
But if I'm tired then it all goes to shit and Dh ups his game.

It's a partnership, when the other person needs the help it is given unquestioning.

The laundry for 6 is astronomical, I too, like my kids to get dirty, it generally means they've had a rather fun day .
If my house is a mess it's because my kids are happy.

Laquitar · 27/05/2009 14:08

Am i the only one who doesn't count the washing as big chore? The way i see it the one who stays home -man or woman - can easily do it. Just press a button. later at some point, take the load out, put the new load in, press the button again.It is not like we have to take the clothes to the river to handwash them.

izyboy · 27/05/2009 14:10

It is the laundry that is the biggest pain, that an filthy kitchen floors and toilets.

Laquitar · 27/05/2009 14:14

laundry is not pain in 2009. Kitchen floor you sweep it after each meal, takes 1 minute.

MiniMarmite · 27/05/2009 14:36

washing ok. Drying it in an apartment and then ironing, folding and putting away not! ...but if I spent less time on MN it might help!

Laquitar · 27/05/2009 14:38

I agree on ironing. And MN comment too

wastingmyeducation · 27/05/2009 14:44

It's the room the airers take up, waiting for some to dry to get the next load on, or running outside to retrieve nearly dry washing from the rain. Also, logistically,
having to put DS in playpen every time I need to bring some washing down or take some upstairs or outside.
Actually washing it isn't that much of a pain, no.

SuperWasher · 27/05/2009 14:47

No no no PUH! It is not scary at all! It is an antidote to the flylady threads (which are scary). If you look closely at the lists they are actually full of things such as MN, get dressed, drink tea etc - all the things that take place as a matter of course through the day but which we don't normally take credit for

It has helped me by helping me realise which things need to be done every day to stop the house looking a tip and also makes me focus a bit more, before I'd kind of float around thinking 'now what needs to be done?' but now I have a list to refer back to (and people to chat to along the way)

SuperWasher · 27/05/2009 14:48

oops sorry it's clairey

Laquitar · 27/05/2009 14:55

You live up to your name SuperWasher