Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

[PrettyUselessHousewife]

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

OMG I know exactly what you mean about the period of adjustment, I only have 1 more sh1t year to go then before we settle into our 'niche'!

The thing is I am so 'modern' in that i think that women are capable of having significant input into the running of the house- not just the cleaning housewife stuff but also the financial input- they didn't encourage us to work during the war to whisk that away from under our feet- I am having that same- what am I doing feeling-running EVERYTHING in the house and taking the flack when it goes wrong but forgetting that we have 3 children under 6 to contend with, it's no wonder other things slip or are forgotten if just left solely to 1 person-NO IT SHOULD BE 50/50 in our day and age-no excuses- just think what example you want to set your children-(if you show them that men are 100% 'done for' then this is what they will do-think seriously about it, do you want the same for your children?set a good example!

Eez bullsheet.

You do know it's harder being at home with kids than working, don't you?

My DH is SAHD. We have a cleaner who also does the ironing - he does the laundry. I work FT, leaving the house at 8.30am and getting home at 7pm. My job also requires me to bring work home over the weekends and I also have to work at home some evenings.

We clean up our bomb site of a house together every night before we settle down for dinner.

We take turns to cook dinner.

We both cook in bulk and freeze for the DC's.

DH does gardening and DIY as per most blokes.

We both do our share of the supermarket trips.

Those of you who have been away from work for a while, please don't forget, most of your partner whilst working have the option to disappear from their desks, chat, make a coffee etc when the going gets a bit tough.

For SAHP's there's no such luxury.

The mental stress is not comparable.

OP, you're DH needs to walk a mile in your shoes before he makes such proclamations.

Show him this post

PUH- have you found the posts helpful?

Looking at your original post, it occured to me that you shouldn't have to run around in the evening doing chores. I know how demanding babies can be, but you ought to be able to get through the vital chores during the day- washing and cleaning. You could food shop online- how I wish that had been around when my DCs were small!

I think that at a weekend your DH should pull his weight and you should demand some "you" time away from him and DC.

But quite honestly, if you organise your day, you and your DH should be able to spend time together once the DC is in bed asleep. Make the most of this, because if you have another child and have staggered bedtimes, you won't even have any evenings!

Even if it were up to him, I don't actually think dp would want me to spend all day on housework and kids. He quite likes it that I crack a newspaper once in a while. And being the little woman that I am, of course I defer to his manly wisdom in this matter

Sycamore tree, you're clearly happy with your arrangement, but if I wasn't home til 7:30 there's no way I'd be taking it in turns to cook dinner and tidying up. I really would expect to come home to a tidy, clean not obviously dirty house with my dinner ready to heat up.

'You do know it's harder being at home with kids than working, don't you?'

err no, that's certainly not the case here. And if I was a SAHP with a cleaner, I'd be bloody laughing I think.

I hate threads where people make sweeping statements about what is harder. You can't compare unless you know people's circumstances. And it's not a competition about who has the 'hardest' day, it's about finding a happy medium where both of you feel the least hard done by.

I get home at 7pm, not 7.30pm.

I didn't say I was happy, but I think it's fair. The shoes have been on the other feet and so I know the score.

The kids are still up at that time - waiting for me to put them to bed.

The house is always clean because we have a cleaner. It's just not tidy, but it takes 20 mins max for us to put all the toys and stuff away together.

But I'm interested in why you would expect your dinner cooked and your house tidied. Genuinely. I just don't like that idea. I wouldn't like if I was at home with the kids as I would feel it totally thrust me down into the domestic domain. So I equally don't want to thrust that expectation onto DH.

I'd much rather he was out in the garden pissing about with the kids making sandcastles and putting the sprinkler on. That's what makes this work for me.

Fair enough fox - that WAS a sweeping statement. I can only talk about my own experience.

I personally find it very challenging mentally to be at home with two small DC's (20 months and 3.9). Especially when it's pissing it down, or DS is teething or either of them are unwell. On those days, I'd rather be anywhere else on earth than trying to maintain my sanity at home.

So that's where it all comes from, but I'm ready this thread with interest and I'm tempted to ask DH his opinion.

But he's in a bit of a huff because I'm in a MN phase and he'd rather we were watching TV together...

lol sycamore, I probably came across harsher than I meant

My two had a small age gap (just under 15 months) so I too had 2 toddlers together and so I do have some sympathy believe me!

I think everyone has really crap days (working or being at home).

Thing is, after work, I find I have no energy for the household stuff. I cook most nights but can only really muster the energy to clean and do the washing on the weekend. Think it would be lovely not to have to worry about that on top of work, iyswim, which is why I think it would be nice if it was all done but I wouldn't expect it to be done (and I don't have a SAHP anyway!).

Well, in every situation there are so many variables at play.

I can't pretend that the fact that DH was made redundant, rather than choosing to be a SAHD doesn't creep into my thinking on all this anyway.

I mean, he has chosen to stay at home rather than look for work in this tricky climate, but to see his face some days - it's like he's been through WWIII . Others, he looks like he's spent all day at a spa.

I work really hard in a very high stress media job, I travel a lot for work etc. So I don't make that statement about being a SAHP lightly. BUT - once kids are in school FT I would imagine things do get a whole lot easier. Am I right?

I think I stand on the line that kids should help with jobs, not just create them. I'd be annoyed with DP and kids(well, DP for not helping the kids) if they'd been playing in the garden all day and hadn't tidied up afterwards. Tidying up is part of playing and creates children who take responsibility for themselves. I'd also wonder why he'd had time to cook for children and not me and if he's giving them food he wouldn't want for his own dinner (with me) that would annoy me too.
It works for you, it just wouldn't for me.

Household chores really get me down. It takes me ages to do them and they never look well done in the end. I once phoned a dear friend in tears because the bed looked really crap after I had spent a very long time trying to put the duvet cover on....

I had an opportunity to work one day a week when dd was just over a year old... and nervously took it.

It was wonderful!

I used the money I earned to get someone to look after dd for the day I worked and someone-else to pop in and clean our apartment. Working gave me a real feeling of purpose beyond being a 'housewife'. The six left over days of the week were for me and dd to do as we pleased - baby clubs, quality time, swimming and library - no worries about too much household stuff....bliss!!!!

It strikes me that maybe you are a bit like me, and might like having maybe just an afternoon or day at work to fund paying for someone to do the bits around the house that you'd rather not do and allow you to spend quality time with your baby. when you are together...

As for 'not having a proper career to go back to' - I know lots of women that have changed careers for the better post baby so the World is your Oyster - You sound very clever and articulate which can get you far in the World of work - seriously, I mean it, it sounds like you have a lot of potential (tries to think of jobs that use excel spreadsheets and writing lots.... while not being too of your obvious talents!)

(disclaimer - This isn't my statement for all of womankind - it is just I recognize some connection to what I felt in what you are saying and working to cover the cost of a cleaner was a very good solution for me.)

Plimple - because he won't have "cooked for" them. He'll have done spaghetti with a pre-cooked home made frozen bolognese sauce, or fishfingers, or sandwiches or whatever. I wont want to eat that food - especially not 3 hours later.

But I think you are right about the tidying up, in that the kids probably need to start learning that it's expected. Though PMSL at DS 20 months "helping" with that.

I had a full time high flying professional job. Gave it up to be SAHM. My job is now looking after children and house. Since I gave up work except when I had just had DD3 I can count on one hand the number of times DH has had to go to supermarket or cook supper, do laundry etc. I try really hard not to ask him to do child/home related stuff at work. I know how hard a full on professional job is and having done both in my view being at home with 3 children is infinitely easier. Just my view though.

20 months is not too young, it just takes a bit longer helping him to help - all part of the fun!

It's reassuring to read that there are so many opinions and solutions on this thread, which just goes to show that as long as no one is taking the mickey or being abusive, it really is up to each couple to negotiate what they see as fair.

I'd like to throw in another angle though based on my own experiences. As a single working parent, I do both roles - WOHM and SAHM. I do a full day's work then have to come home and cook tea, bath kids, put them to bed, catch up with ironing, etc. I chose my last partner really badly and still did both roles. I've taken the two years since to examine my choices and personality so that I don't make the same mistake again should I ever meet anyone else I fall in love with (am not particularly bothered either way).

My logic is this: When my X and I were together, I had no free time. I was regularly doing household chores etc up until midnight or beyond. As a single working parent I manage to get at least 2 hours 'me' time every evening (sometimes more). My ex actually created work for me because of the extra washing/the fact that he never cleaned up after himself/the fact that he wanted a cooked meal with all the washing up that created when a few slices of toast would have done me, etc., etc. Obviously, my ex was an idiot (and a violent one at that, but that's beside the point right now), but I have learned a few points very important to the success of any future relationships. If I meet a man who treats all other human beings with the same degree of respect he wishes to be treated himself, then there will either be no change in the level of work I am doing, or, by taking over little jobs for each other, we will actually decrease the level of work we are both used to. What will NOT happen is that the level of work will increase. It should be a partnership geared towards mutual ease.

My point is that if it's possible to do it all yourself, it should be easier if you are in a partnership, not harder, surely? Or am I being hopelessly naive?

DH and I discussed this recently since I've just left my job to be a SAHM. Our agreement is that while he's out at work, I'm essentially at work too. Childcare is my priority but I try to do as much household stuff as I can. When DH is home, we share all jobs equally. I like to get as much as done as possible during my day so that we can relax together in the evenings, which works well for us. Generally I can get everything done during the day, but DH works 12 hour days and DD likes 'helping' me so at the moment it's fairly easy. DH understands that some days will be better than others and doesn't dare complain if something doesn't get done. It works fairly well for us (so far!). Of course, this is just us though and it might not work for everyone.

Sorry to go on, but appreciate I may not have made enough distinction between the fact that my example probably applies to WOH partnerships whereas OP is of course talking about the SAHP role.

However, I still think my logic applies. There are two roles (working and SAH) and either one person to do them or two. If there are two, it should obviously be easier than if one person is doing it. Now I know that's overly simplistic as a lot depends on the number of kids, the nature of the job, etc., etc., but as a basic principle, I think it stands.

Even if the SAHP takes responsibility for all things domestic. it shouldn't be completely overwhelming. Even a working partner who does no cooking or cleaning should be expected to put his/her dirty laundry in the washing basket, clear up any mess made in the kitchen after an impromptu snack, rinse the bath out after use, etc. These acts are not about roles but basic common courtesies, surely?

The age of the children is totally important, as is whether the SAHP actually wants to be there. At present dh has chosen to be at home, and as our kids are at school doesn't actually have much childcare related work. So for him to do all the housestuff is a bit of a no brainer, even though I have also very much chosen to be at work, and really enjoy it (although it is very intense and can be quite exhausting). If an when he goes back to work I would expect to go back to a 50/50 split, ideally with a cleaner thrown in.

When our children were very small we had a lovely nanny, and every day I came home to a cheerful nanny, full of tales of the parks they had visited (she was a very outdoor focused nanny) and two PJ'd children clean from their baths, ready for a bedtime story and to go to sleep. The flat was always spotless (possibly because they had been out all day!). It was really very nice. But this was someone who had chosen to look after babies as her career, and who got to go home and have the evenings and weekends to herself.

Yes, Nooka, I think for me, having 3 of 5 and under makes a huge difference. I simply couldn't cope with doing it all. DS is in Reception and I have the girls at home but next week when I have all three, I'll be tearing my hair out.

Come September when DD1 starts preschool and it's just DD2 and me at home, I'm sure I'll do much more. Probably much more than I did when I last had just one at home (DS) Mainly because nowadays, having just one of them seems so much easier.

Totally disagree that staying home is harder work than going out to work, though I suppose it depends what your job is. Clearly some people get coffee breaks, time to chat away from their desk, long lunches etc.... I'm in education and I can tell you being at home on maternity leave with 3 under 5s (DH working away some of that time) was hard work but certainly easier than working! I also think that even in jobs where you may get more breaks, time away from your desk etc, there are often mental pressures, deadlines and targets to meet. I do think it's an easy trap to fall into to resent people who go out to work and somehow think they're getting it easy in comparison. I love my job and am glad I've always worked but i wouldn't say it's the easy option, no way!!

I think a lot depends on whether you enjoy being at home, keeping a tidy house etc. If you enjoy and are god at it then it may not feel like hard work at all, but if you don't then it is a horrible hard job because it can feel totally thankless, and relentlessly all the time. Work can of course feel like that too, or really energising, interesting and inspiring. It totally depends on the job (or home set up) and the person.

I work part time term time only, so I do more of the housework (3/5) term times and almost all of it during the holidays. I think this is fair, and do not see why my DH should have to come home and do housework when I have been at home all day. Looking after the children however, is a different matter!!

On my days off, I use the mornings to do housey type things - cleaning etc, and we do child centred things in the afternoon (when I get to relax too). However, when my Dh comes home from work the children are then his responsibility on my days off, so that then allows me time to get on with the housework and do those chores like ironing that cannot be done during the day. When I'm working, we both do chores in the evening, when I'm not working, I ensure they are mostly done during the day.

At the weekend, we each have one lie in - and the other parent gets up and look after the children. If there are chores that need doing at the weekend, then DH will take the children to the park for a few hours so I can finish off any chores that need doing and so on. Likewise, if he has got decorating or gardening that needs doing, or has brought any overtime home then I will take the children out and give him some space to do it.

I have a five year old and a two year old, work three days and still manage not to do any chores in the evenings (except making packed lunches and the final tidy up of the day). As others have said, you just need to get the children to "help" (My two year old loves nothing more than to 'help' clean the bath with a plain water spray for example!) or simply play in the room around you as you work.
HTH

I can see why women get pissed off if men are totally detached from the running of thehome.

However, I alos wonder if some of you are making ameal of it- literally.

I know it is easy with hindsight- I certainly didn't do all of these when i was SAHM but 2 DCs with only a 2 years age gap.

BUT- if you are organised, the household stuff can be made easier- take an evening or half a day to cook and freeze, have a take-away or ready meal once a week, and On the other days have something easy like pasta. It really would cut down on the preparation and cooking time.

Washing, as someone else said, takes seconds and ironing is not necessary with much excpet maybe DHs work shirts.

Cleaning- if you possibly can afford it, get a cleaner to do the big jobs like windows ,washing floors, and maybe the ironing.

But is this the real issue? Is it not that SAHM feel their work is not valued? Isn't that what is breeding unhappiness? I found being at home very difficult after working in a professional environment- I really did fee I had lost my identity.

I don't have much patience with women who complain that their DPS won't help around the house-I'm afraid I just told mine what needed doing-and expected him to get on with it. Though not after a 12 hr day at work, or driving across the UK, or travelling round the world.

But if you are at home 12 hrs a day when they are out at work, it is a bit feeble to complain that you can't get through the bare minimum of housework and load up the washing machine.

I think the real issue is the state of the relaitonship, not the "symptom" which is lack of help withthe housey stuff.

In answer to the OP, no a SAHM should not do everything to do with running the house, not unless she is a complete mug.

I did not stay at home to become a housekeeper. If I'd wanted a housekeeper I'd have stayed at work and paid someone else to do it, tbh, that would have made far more economic sense. I stayed at home to take care of my kids and it was a daft decision in purely economic terms.