Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

[PrettyUselessHousewife]

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

And how are you all doing washing in seconds?

When I do washing I have to do the following:

-collect washing from parts of the house (we hhave several strategically placed laundry baskets)

-lug it downstairs, usually with a toddler on the other arm

-load it into the machine. This takes seconds. Turn on machine.

-Wait 20 minutes then drain, rinse and reload because machine is displaying fault.

-Find clothes horse. Prop it open with stick. Hang washing up to dry. Tell kids off for helping.

-eleven days later, when washing is dry, sort it (very roughly) and put away.

It has taken me several years to streamline to this extent.

The reason things take me so long is that I always have 3 kids 5 and under with me. Yes they run off and play but then there is more mess to clean up. I welcome the mess, I think free play is vital at this age, but it does mean there is a lot of cleaning. Ditto washing, I am not going to tell my kids they can't play in mud, but it does mean my washing maching is doing about 4 loads a day (also have baby in cloth nappies which doesn't help). I can see that if I had, say, a morning when they were in childcare then yes it would all be a piece of piss but I don't have that.

Against the flow of mn opinion

I think that any sah should do the sah work.
If he helps when you ask, just ask more.

FJ- are you taking the piss over your washing malarky?

Why do you have several laundry baskets? if you had 2 one of whites and one for coloureds- well, that is it sorted almost.

If you got your washer fixed, so it ran through a whole cycle, it would help! Mine does a 3o min quick wash and spin, and BOb's your uncle. I then hang it outside or put it in the tumble drier or on clothes rail depending on items.

It tales 11 days for your washing to dry? Do you a) live in Antartica and b) wear boiled wool?

C'mon- it's not that hard! You could wash it all in the evening then hang it up to dry (toddler-free time) or have it ready to put on the line in the morning.

I don't agree that by having kids and staying at home you somehow get let off the housekeeping bit- if you are at home all day and your DP is working OTH then it's part of your role surely?

Have only skimmed thread but I too agree with SGB - you are both working, and you both need a break. If you are looking after a pre-schooler during the day you may be able to get some chores done, eg on my SAHM day I might do some washing, things like putting bins out and I make dinner, and once a week DS and I do the food shop. But no way do i do all the chores because I see trips to parks and museums, days out etc. with DS as part of my work in looking after him.

So, plenty of chores are still to do and DP and I share them in the evenings and at weekends. Yes, he works hard 5 days a week and wants to kick back in the evenings. But so do I - even on SAHM days. It's hard work. Being a SAHM does not mean you have automatically agreed to do every household task.

I do agree that if you are not WOH, your DC are in school and you have free time all day then it might be reasonable that you use some of that time to run the house. Even then though I would only do that by agreement - I would not be impressed at all if DP laid down the law about what I was expected to do.

Of course OP, one useful test would be to see how well your DH can manage what he asks of you. Arrange to go on a week-long course or similar, while DH takes a week's holiday to be a SAHD. Of course he will be happy to do all the chores in that week, as that's what he expects of a SAHP and you will be busy outside the home all day and recovering in the evenings. Make a list of the chores he expects you to do while looking after DC and in the evenings. He'll probably be collapsing with exhaustion and begging for mercy after day 2...

I totally agree howtotellmum.

I would say in 99% of cases, whether the husband helps with washing up or whatever is not the issue. It's that being at home all day, particularly if you're used to an interesting work life, can be a real grind and it can be very difficult to feel valued. I'm not saying it's right to feel like that - but it's the reality. And that's when the SAHP becomes resentful and it manifests itself as griping about the other partner not helping enough.

I know not everyone will agree, but I still think that in the 21st century, running a home just doesn't have to take hours of work (despite fillyjonk's description of washing!!). I also had 3 under 5s, and when I was home on maternity leave I managed to keep on top of the laundry, shop and cook dinner, and even occasionally run the hoover around while bf a newborn. I would have felt it was quite unreasonable to expect my DH to start doing that after working all day. Fair enough that he took over playing with the kids/bathtime etc when he got home, but not doing the chores!

On the other hand, I think housework is one of those things that can expand to take as long as you let it if you have that mindset.If you expect to live in a showhome then I can see that you might well spend several hours a day on housework, but thankfully most of us think life's for living, not for cleaning!

I do think this thread is more about 'status' a 'feeling of self worth' and 'resentment about a loss of a previous life'. Perfectly understadable as DW felt it when she stopped working. Going back to work for the OP will be a huge boost. Housework/housewife will no longer be as big an issue.

I also get the impression that some people are not being very efficient with household chores. I agree with those who say SAH should get through most housework in a day and not have to do it in the evening or leave it to the person coming home from work.

I cannot believe that people are going supermarket shopping. Get it delivered. Yes go out shopping once a week for bits and pieces but that is it and make a list as you go along during the week and the do it in one go. Make menu plans for th week so you get everything you need online and do not have a to do a separate shop(s) every few days.

Washing clothes - get a load on when you go to bed and put it on to dry when you get up along with another load in the washer. That is two loads a day which is surely enough for any household.

Cleaning just do downstairs one day, upstairs another day and kitchen as you go along during the week.

Other stuff like paperwork and bills - just pay on line and file letters and bills in a wel organisedfiling caboinet as they come in the door - it just takes a few minutes per day.

Ironing, is reduced if you tumble dry and take them straight out instead of leaving them sitting there gtting creased. Sheets can be put straight back on a bed without ironing this way.

That said sharing childcare and sharing work at weekends is essential - but time off together in the evenings is also essential. Sharing a bottle of wine while chatting over lunch at weekends is also a nice way of talking through issues arising that need joint decisions.

VH_ I agree with you.

I also wonder - if I dare say so- what some othe posters have done outside the home before they were SAHM? ( BonsoirA touched on this one.) If you have been used to a very busy, demanding job, as I was, it can work 2 ways when you are a SAHM- on the one hand you can become very frustrated at the endless round of cleaning and cooking, which never stops, the lack of intellectual stimulation, the isolation, and the lack of appreciation for your efforts, but on the other hand you are used to working hard and feeling pushed, and this makes it easier to organise and get through all the housekeeping stuff.

My mum was a SAHM in the 50s and 60s - all her life rally- and my parents have what would be called a very tradtional male/female set up. BUT I still remmber mny dad washing the dishes every night, peeling the spuds and reading me my bed time story!

EvenBetaDad - WOW! Great post!!! I like the first bit because it is what I said in less words and then the stuff on how to run a household are quite frankly fab tips!

We agreed that I would be a SAHMum/parent not a housekeeper.

Of course I want to have time for us to spend as a family so I try to do more than just a little housework so that weekends are free for us all.

BUT I would most likely go on strike the second it was suggested that it should all be done by me, I have a sense of self-worth and see my role as a full-time parent of equal value to DH. So I deliberately leave some minor housework for him to do too.

This thread has really made me think about why I can't get my act together and I think the posts about the lack of status really hit the nail on the head. It's not that I want my dh to do half the work, it's that I want to be appreciated as an equal partner. And actually, having talked to dh over the weekend, I think a lot of the issues were in my head and related to me comparing my situation with my friends and finding it lacking. When actually dh and I just need to figure out what works for us.

I'm also really struggling with not earning much money, especially as the recession has hit my husband's business hard. I just really don't think I appreciated how restrictive having a child is, and the recession couldn't have come at a worse time for us. In the past when we've struggled financially I've always had the option of getting a second job but now it's not worth me getting even one job as childcare/petrol/work clothes would cost more than I would earn. So even though I chose this, I am stuck here, which is hard to accept.

teafortwo - thank you so much for the lovely compliments. Actually I used to be a journalist but it was badly paid, wasn't compatible with family life and I'd become a bit disillusioned by it anyway. I've done a bit of freelance writing work over the last few months and had hoped to build it up to a reasonable income but work is a bit thin on the ground in the current climate (and also I think my lack of confidence in my abilities has been a stumbling block). So your comments have really given me a boost

I think being at home on maternity leave or for a specific amount of time is totally different to being a SAHM. You can't compare the two.
If you are a SAHM then it becomes your identity and it is extremly mentally difficult to see years stretching ahead of you and with the responsibility of keeping on top of the housework boiling down to you.

I find being at home all day extremely hard regarding my ability to do the chores. I do feel it is my responsibility to keep on top of things, but its hard and even harder when your ability to do the housework begins to define you. I have tended to use DD's naptimes for "intellectual" pursuits rather than keeping on top of the housework. I don't feel good about this because often DH comes home to a messy house, and I'd rather he didn't have to. I know he works hard. But my sense of self esteem has improved since focusing on something else rather than the home.

I think a SAHM should do her best around the house i.e as much as she can, while still making it her main job to look after the child she is there for! SOme days will be better than others. And one day the kids will be gone, off to school or leaving home, and then it will be really easy! If she is still a SAHM with kids in school, then I think the responsibiliy of the house should fall to her.

I am a SAHM as well. DP,DS1 and I share the housework, even DS2 has some small jobs. DS1 does the living room and hall way floors, takes the rubbish out, DS2 puts his plate in the sink and the shoes in the hallway,DP and I share everything else although if I am totally honest he does more housey stuff than me, as well as go to work. I am in charge of the children care etc. DP will cook some days and I others. TBH it depends on the day I have had with ds's and the day he has had at work.

"FJ- are you taking the piss over your washing malarky?

Why do you have several laundry baskets? if you had 2 one of whites and one for coloureds- well, that is it sorted almost.

If you got your washer fixed, so it ran through a whole cycle, it would help! Mine does a 3o min quick wash and spin, and BOb's your uncle. I then hang it outside or put it in the tumble drier or on clothes rail depending on items."

am I taking the piss? How bloody rude.

I have 3 kids under 5, and I like them to be able to play. One basket for coloured and one for whites? What whites? How on god's earth do I get clothes for 5 people into 2 laundry baskets?

If I got my washer fixed? Well thanks for that , its first on my list when I win the lottery. Or I could just shove everything through the drier and bollocks to the planet, that would be socially responsible.

not to mention sheets and cloth nappies.

calm down fillyjonk - I don't think whoever wrote that post intended to be rude!!

Keeping on top of the laundry with 3 under 5s does mean a lot of washing (I know, been there done that, also without the luxury of a drier). But I still managed this and other basic household chores plus bf a newborn, plus playing with my toddler and 4 year old while I was on maternity leave. I won't pretend my house was spotless (and why should it be with 3 little ones - I'd be wary of anyone in that situation with a perfect house!) But it was certainly presentable, with laundry, shopping, cooking and basic cleaning done, and I didn't expect my DH to come in from work and start on these things, because he wanted to play with the kids when he got in!

I really do believe some people make a big deal of household chores, and I still think (as many others have said) that it's not about the chores themselves, but it's a symptom of how you feel. If you feel undervalued, then you will feel resentful and hard done by. The solution is to look at why you feel like that,and make the changes you need to feel better about yourself.

FJ- I was not being rude- I was being serious- I thought your post was sarcastic and meant to be funny, especially when you said it took 11 days to get the clothes dry!

I am sorry that you cannot afford to get your washer fixed. It can't be a huge amount of money, and I hope you manage to get it fixed sooner rather than later!

I know exactly how much washing is involved with a family - and how long it takes to dry it!

Going back to the original point, and one which a few other people have made, icnluding evenbetadad I think there is a lot to be said for doing things more time-efficiently. I am old enough to remember when my mum washed with a separate boiler for whites, and a wringer on top of the washer to "spin". and all clothes were dried outside on the line, or on a clothes horse.

VH_ thanks- x-d posts. I did not mean to be rude as explained above.

I also want to add that I have been there too- at home with cloth nappies ( 2 in terry nappies at once) and no tumble drier- so no lectures on that one please!

I agree 100% with you VH- it's about a state of mind and underlying attitudes.

If we look back 50 years, women had it much harder- I remember my Mum having a "wash day" and it was exactly that- all day, boiling the whites, washing the other stuff in a huge machine that had to be pulled out of the cupboard and filled with water, using a wringer as there were no spinners and tumble driers.

I am not for a moment suggesting those days were better - but I just think we forget how labour-saving machines can make life so much easier than it used to be.

I also think it's about realism and expectation- having 3 kids under 5 means life will be tough at times and there will be mountains of washing! No-one expects a house with 3 kids in it to be spotless, or for kids not be get grubby. But as evenbetadad said, it should be quite possible to organise food shopping, cooking and laundry within a normal day.

I do think that men should help out, but I also think that if you are at home all day and have 2 or 3 kids, you have chosen to do this, and if you don't like it, or can't cope, then you should go back to work and pay for help at home. It is not fair to expect a working partner (outside the home) to do as much at home when they come home, as you do when you have all day to do it.

In many cases it is a time for re-negotiation of roles- I think many mums get a huge shock when they have a child and find the drudgery of housework, the amount of housework, and the boredom of being at home, far exceed what they imagined. Of course there will be men who think they can get away with doing bugger all once they have a wife installed at home with the DCs, and no, that is not right.

Prettyuselesshousewife....

Hmmm.... Now - Let's think about this - I am sure we can think of something well paid enough for you to do and also leaving you with enough time to write too if the opportunities arise...

I can feel it in my bones - you are going to find something interesting to do!!!!

Without telling us your exact address.... Where do you live? - Are you in the countryside or city? Down South or Up North?

Just to get a feel for opportunities available for you....

My cousin is a talented writer and she has got a job writing letters for special situations in an insurance firm - quite fun, I think.

If you are in der big smoke - ESL teaching could be interesting for you. Lots of opportunities there I believe.

These are just my first thoughts.... I am sure if we all put our heads together we can find something good for you!

teafortwo- have I missed something or are you on the wrong thread? where did the OP say she wrote for a living?

One issue with the SAHM thing that I have is that my DCs are always moaning.

I gave DS1 (8) a shepherd's pie I had made him specially (other DCs won't eat that) the other day. The top had caught a little, as they do. He said "It's a bit overcooked . . . but thank you." Needless to say he got a long lecture about manners. DD is dreadfully fussy about food, and when she asks what's for tea frequently screws her face up at the answer.

Today DH has gone back to work and it's: "What are we doing today?" as if I am their social secretary.

I don't mind being a SAHM or even a Housewife, but I want to be appreciated. DH appreciates my efforts, just as well, or I'd go barmy.

At least on the days I do go to work I know when I have done a good job and get appreciated.

[hmph emoticon]

1. Being at home with 2/3 demanding kids under school age is often alot harder both physically and emotionally than being in paid work (I know, done both). It can be a full job in itself to entertain and feed them.

1. Nobody working in a job outside the home is expected to 'run the hoover over the floors', pick up pants, wash floors, put laundry in/out during their breaks.

In my opinion, as a SAHM you do your best during the day, but whatever is left over should be split 50/50.

Balloon Slayer, yes Social Secretary and cheerleader (running mantra: put your shoes on....repeat x3 'oh well done! etc etc)