Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

222 replies

PrettyUselessHousewife · 22/05/2009 22:47

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 22/05/2009 23:43

If he gets 2 days off a week then he should definitely help out.

cornsilk · 22/05/2009 23:43

You don't mean the weekend do you?

Clary · 22/05/2009 23:57

Frankly I think that a SAHM esp with only one child should be able to get the chores done in the day.

Write a list, make a rota, do whatever you have to do. Iron while DS is napping, get him to "help" you chop carrots or hang out washing, etc.

I work 4 days / week and spend a lot of my evening on chores - but that's because of WOTH. If I count laundry, cooking, hoovering and other cleaning and ironing, it's maybe 2-3 hrs per day. If you're at home, that's not much time out of your toddler's day and stil leaves plenty of time for toddler groups, walk to park, painting etc.

BTW I have been a SAHM. littleboblue, you may say a SAHM's job is 24 hrs; I wonder what a WOTH mum's job is then? When I get home from work at 3.15pm my 2nd job begins!

littleboyblue · 23/05/2009 00:02

clary I wasn't trying to offend anyone. The issue here at the start was splitting housework chores between a SAHM and a husband that works full time, not a WOHM, that is something completely different which is why I think it wasn't mentioned. If I have picked up a tone there that you want a row, I'm not biting and if I have that wrong, and you aren't trying to start a row, then sorry

Clary · 23/05/2009 00:10

nono really not trying to start a row, sorry .

But I do think that if I was working all day and some evenings and my partner was at home with one DC I would not expect to come home and have to clean the cooker.

If this was my situation then I might want some child-time at the weekends tbh. Would that be a way yr DH could ease the pressue on you PUH?

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 23/05/2009 00:11

Clary: then that should mean that the SAHM has her evenings and weekends free to watch telly or get pissed or go and see a band as well. The imbalance is not about housework itself, it's about fairness.

plimple · 23/05/2009 00:12

I agree that only one child to look after means you should be able to do the shopping, cooking, washing in the week. That's part of looking after your son, he'll learn as much from going to the shops with you as going to playgroup. Also doing washing etc is fine to do while he is awake, it's good to help you or just play independently as you do things.
I have a similar issue at weekends though as DP thinks EVERYTHING in the house is my job including garden. I'm pregnant and can't hoover or mow the lawn as have SPD, but he won't do it - lazy bugger. He does work very long hours though (yet I still put as much into the household kitty as he does. both self employed). I have to beg for a lie in one day on the weekend.

Clary · 23/05/2009 00:13

well yes she should.

If I can get all the housework done in the evening, I could get it all done in the day if I were here.

littleboyblue · 23/05/2009 00:14

Clary sorry
I am far too tired to still be on here!
I know what you mean though. My dp works 6 days a week, 10/12 hour shifts, and when he gets in he is exhausted most days, but pity for him, life is life isn't it?
Anyway, different patterns for different people.
Must go to bed

plimple · 23/05/2009 00:15

Don't most SAHMs have evenings free? If not then I must just be super efficient!

Clary · 23/05/2009 00:17

well I think they should plimple.

I have one day off a week and spend half of that at school; if there is nothing else going on in the afternoon then I get that day's chores done no problem (roughly similar time to a toddler's nap).
So Fri evening I can sit and watch TV! wooohooo

littleboyblue · 23/05/2009 00:18

For me, there are things that I feel I can't do during the day, like the ironing, not when ds is running around and he doesn't nap anymore. I also cook dinner, wash up pots and pans and tbh, if one of my ds's wakes up, it's normally me that sees to them, so no, my evenings aren't free totally.

VictorianSqualor · 23/05/2009 00:25

IMO, each person should do equal. That varies between paid work and unpaid work.

If I am at work all day and DP has the day off I do not expect to come home to a perfect house, but a clean one, and (if he has not been sleeping because he is on nights) I'd prefer him to deal with dinner, as I've been at work all day.

When I was a SAHM I would do dinner, purely because he would leave to go to work at 7am and get in at 6pm. During that time although I would be looking after children I would also be able to do a general tidy and still get at least an hour or two (in fits and starts) to sit down on MN or whatever. So in general, if the total amount of hours worked during the day (be at home or paid employment,) is the same then everything else should be divided fairly.

BUT I know some WOHP will claim they've worked harder and forget they had an hour for lunch and some SAHP act like they've been on the go all day when in fact they've been at the computer or something and get into a petty 'Who has done the most' argument which can be completely avoided if you just agree you both work hard for your family and do what needs doing as and when you can.

plimple · 23/05/2009 00:25

I don't iron.
I cook dinner for 5pm for me and children and save DPs (so he can complain about it being tasteless later). Washing up done straight away so all clear by well before 6. Do you make a separate dinner for kids and adults? Far too much work for me!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 23/05/2009 00:30

Thing is, so much of this depends on variable factors - like how demanding your DC are, and how big your house is - and how high are the standards of housework required. So it remains the best way of judging how fair the situation is: do both partners get the same amount of chore-free time?

plimple · 23/05/2009 00:33

Sort of, but it sounds as if the OP doesn't realise that doing housework is also caring for DC and teaching them stuff.

jasper · 23/05/2009 00:34

it's very tricky.
I have been both a SAHM and am now the only adult going out to work outside the home.

In my case going out to work is MUCH more demanding than being at home - we have 3 kids in primary school. I do think my dh should do most /all of the home chores when I am out at work, then we BOTH relax in the evenings.

Even when the kids were preschool, in my case paid work was the tougher option

VictorianSqualor · 23/05/2009 00:35

It's not though is it pimple?
In reality, on an average size house to a good standard of cleaning it would take 2-3 hours if there were no children around. The reason the whole day is taken up with the housework plus childcare is the added responsibility of looking after the children.

plimple · 23/05/2009 00:46

Course it is! I'm not talking about hoovering and ironing, but hanging out washing is a big mathematical adventure if you think about it enough. Dusting can be done as kids play in a room you're in, same as occasional washing down of cupboards in kitchen. Cooking, washing up, doing the washing and shopping are every day tasks and fit in with everyday routines. I clean the bathroom while my DD is in the bath.

VictorianSqualor · 23/05/2009 00:48

Sorry I think I misunderstood, I thought you were saying that housework included (as in was never just housework) childcare, but I see your point now, and agree

plimple · 23/05/2009 01:00

Oh no, housework is housework, childcare is childcare. There is a lot of housework that can be done while caring for children that means you get your evenings free though.

jcscot · 23/05/2009 02:04

I don't know how much help my opinion will be as my circumstances vary from yours...

I'm a SAHM to two boys (2 1/2 yrs and 10mths) and I do absolutely everything - garden, housework, shopping, childcare, maintenance, decorating, all domestic chores etc.

My mother helps out with childcare when she can (to allow me to do other tasks).

Mind you, the reasons that my husband does nothing around the house is because he's in Afghanistan. :D

On a serious note, I do think that if one person is in the home, looking after the children, then they should do the bulk of the housework too. I'm not saying that the working partner shouldn't help out - my husband does do some things when he is around - but that it is possible to organise a house and look after children without causing too much stress.

Perhaps you need to try and hammer out what you think you husband could help with, as opposed to what he thinks you ought to be doing and reach a compromise?

nooka · 23/05/2009 04:16

dh is the SAHP in our house. My contribution to housework is making our bed on a Saturday and cooking Sunday supper. Oh and I make packed lunches in the morning. But dh chooses to be at home and our children are 8 and 10 I think with one child past the very demanding stage doing most of the housework during the week is a perfectly reasonable expectation. At the weekend he should either be looking after your child or helping with things that need to be done (cooking, general tidying etc) but most of it should be done during the week. I don't know why he thinks you should do the finances particularly though.

However whether it is fair or not really depends on what sort of working hours he has, whether he has a commute, and how difficult your child (and house) is to care for. When we lived in the UK I worked a very intense 9-5/6ish day with an hour commute at either end. I would have been very peeved to come home and have to cook, clean etc if I thought my other half had been taking it easy all day (I'm not saying you are, but it is easy to think that if you are not the one at home, because you may be thinking how much you would like not to be going to work, sitting on the train/in traffic etc etc).

What sort of chores are you doing at the weekend?

Original poster
PrettyUselessHousewife · 23/05/2009 07:06

Wow - I'm in awe of those of you who can get all your chores done in the day. Maybe I just need to get a lot more organised

jcscot - you really helped to put things into perspective - I guess I should just appreciate that my dh is here.

plimple - I do understand that housework is also caring for dc. I get general cleaning, tidying, hoovering, dusting, cooking, washing and pegging out done while I look after my ds. It's just at 16 months he's into everything so there are certain tasks, especially in the kitchen, that I can really only do when he's not around. And since I often spend part of the evening running up and down the stairs (he's not a sleeper) I end up losing most of the rest of my evening to chores and feel like I never stop. Bad luck with the SPD - you must be exhausted if you're doing all that. I sympathise re the lie in, what lie in?

Thanks for all the different opinions. I'm starting to feel like a bit of a wuss and realising that maybe I need to get it together a bit more to try and get it all done in the daytime!

OP posts:
Springfleurs · 23/05/2009 09:32

When I had a partner.

This is what I expected.

That he would take on the equal load of childcare while he was at home. In that I would be able to leave the house without it being a "Big Deal".

That when he was here he would partake in bath time and putting kids to bed etc.

That if he was here he would help me tidying up kids toys once they were in bed etc.

That if he saw the bin needed emptying he would empty it instead of piling cans and rubbish on top till it all fell out.

If he made himself something to eat he would clean up after himself.

He would put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

I didn't expect or want anything else as he was working long hours. Sadly he was unable to believe that he "should" be doing any of this. He used to call me a "Housewife" as well and it used to send me into a red mist fury. I believe that the term "house-wife" is obsolete. I am not a wife first and foremost. I am many things and I don't wish to be defined by that ONE aspect of my persona.