Should a SAHM do EVERYTHING to do with running the house?

[PrettyUselessHousewife]

Not sure this is the right topic but it's a major relationship issue for me and I could really do with some opinions from some more experienced parents.

My dh and I have been through a lot since my ds was born (over a year ago now) and I thought we were starting to get our relationship back on track. But then he said something about me being a housewife and now I'm not sure what to think

I thought I was staying at home to care for my ds, planning my day around taking him to toddler groups and such like. But my dh says I'm a housewife and the default position should be me doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, managing the finances etc with him helping out here and there.

I'm happy to take on doing more of the washing and general stuff like food shopping that's easier to do in the day, but I don't consider myself to be a "housewife" and I think we should share chores fairly equally. To me, it doesn't seem fair for my dh to sit on the sofa watching telly of an evening while I spend all my spare time on chores. But he says that's the role I've chosen

I just feel confused - I didn't think being a SAHM meant doing EVERYTHING but he thinks it does (even though he will help out if asked).

Am I being stupid? Is everyone else in my position doing EVERYTHING?

Laquitar is the button you press for the maid to do the laundry?

In our house it has to be sorted, brought downstairs, put in the washer, hung out to dry, brought back in and either folded and put away or ironed and put away.

I have yet to find an appliance which will allow me to just press a button and for it all to be done

Oh and all with 2 very young children in tow.

i dont have maid .

Apart from the ironing the rest is not big deal.

And in every job you have sometimes to multitask and to push yourself.

'brought downstairs' not the hardest labour. And then yes, you just press the button. i insist

brought downstairs might be easy for you but for me it involves negotiating the stairs with toddlers at my feet, a huge pile of laundry in my arms and my back breaking, ds2 usually crying in the background and hoping to god i don't trip over someone and break both our necks

snap PT, my next house will be a bungalow, I swear!

i'm going for one of those laundry chutes that i can just dump the lot down and it lands next to the machine

Haven't read the whole thread, but really believe that as a sahm it's my job to do the housework. I haven't worked since my children were born mainly as a result of dh's job - irregular hours, lots of travel and moving country every three or four years - though like the OP I'm a journalist by profession. I have two children (now at school - though all the running around that entails is only marginally easier than when they were at home) and I pride myself on getting everything done and dinner on the table by the time dh gets home. This means we can spend time together as a family instead of wasting time bickering over who does what. He helps with bedtime when he's there and clears up after dinner. I don't have a problem with it because I think we have a pretty nice life and it certainly doesn't take up all my time. I approach the housework (or household management if you prefer) as I did my job - set myself a deadline, get everything done and then do something else! If you are organised it's really not that big a deal (unless you live in a stately home I guess!). If the roles were reversed and I was out at work all day I wouldn't expect to come home and start clearing up and doing the laundry - I think deciding who does what is a far greater bone of contention where both partners work.

SuperWasher - someone is going to have to talk me through the FlyLady threads. I have tried and its like reading some kind of ancient script or the Masonic Handbook.

I am not being faceitious or blokish but really - what are they talking about? Not that I'm planning to post there. I have a feeling I might not be welcomed.

Laquitar - agree with you on button pressing.

Imagine if we all describe every tiny bit of our day in this detail. And write lists about it. Imagine if your partner -man or woman- tells you every evening in detail: ' i had to get up at 6.30, shower, shave and dress by 7.00. run to tube st by 7.15. negotiate the stairs. holding sturbucks in one hand, oyster card in the othher, get off and change train, missed train, take next one. arrive at work, take the lift, having to press button for 5th floor, ....' wouldn't you find it boring?

Choose your battles and choose the things you moan about then you ll be taken more seriously.

I am sorry if i sound harsh but i still find the way some of you describe landry (with w/m) a bit over the top.
And before you ask i don't even have a cleaner.

Laquitar - many thanks for that. I think I understand now. I will be staying away from posting there.

EBD I don't get flylady either, it's all too structured and regimented for me, you'll have to get someone else to explain that to you

The slatterns thread we all post what we need to do that day and update as we do it and chat quite a bit. I don't know about everyone else on the thread but I tend to skim everyone else's lists and concentrate on the chat.

I don't look too closely at the lists as everyone gets so much more done than me!

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but for people who have problems with drying their washing and not wanting a tumble dryer, have you seen the airers that you can plug in?

I'm contemplating getting one at the moment, so can't say how good they are but they look pretty good and are from Lakeland (amongst other people) and their stuff usually 'does what it says on the tin'.

They look like they are cheap to run, just load up the airer and plug in... Would save having to switch on the heating or tumble dryer for a load and could be useful to help keep towels dry in the summer too.

3 tier airer - and there is a two tier one too.

Pink Tulips: Bring down washing when kids in bed and put on so you can hang it out first thing in the morning. I put mine away - mainly DDs, while she is running around after bath before bed. I usually say, come here and put your nappy on and she runs into next room as a game and I just carry on folding the washing. By the time I've finished she's ready for a bed and story.

plimple, i usually ask dp to haul it downstairs if he's about while i deal with my 3 very small kids.... they can't be left merrily running around after baths as they're a bit destructive... of the house and each other. evil lazy housewife that i am

lately my baby has been taking until 10 or later to settle and is either glued to me or crying until then and i'm damned if i'm doing washing after 10 o clock at night when i've been dealing with the three of them since 7.30 in the morning.... rather selfishly i think i deserve a break at that point and i simply cannot see why dp should in some peoples opinions come in at 5/6 and get to relax for the evening while i'm on the go til midnight

zipzap, thank you soo much for that link, that looks like exactly what i need and alot cheaper to run than the heating or tunmble dryer

easy answer to lugging laundry- you leave it in the laundry bag(s) and throw the bag downstairs. Tip learned from my gran- she never lugged washing- she threw it down the stairs.

Can't see what all the fuss is over really- I had 2 DCS with a 2-year age gap - leaving them for a minute whilst popping the washing in the machine when they were around was never a problem in any way. If it is, do it when they are in bed and peg out in the morning- or dry inside overnight .

Aa, thank God! I thought i was the only one doing this . This thread made me feel i am odd not to find it challenging.

L- IME it's not the washing that was/is the issue- that's the least of the problems. My biggest challenge was meals as 2 out of the 4 of us have intolerances/allergies, so often it is/was 2 different dinners cooked from scratch. And my DH cannot cook A THING! The imagination needed to keep ringing the changes for nutritious meals was enormous- in comparison, the washing, housework and other stuff was a dream!

with allergies i bet it is.

my challenge was when we had a tiny kitchen, no space for d/w and washed plates and pots by hand. i hated it . as long as there is d/w and w/m i m ok

L_ yes, you are right- I was having to avoid all dairy for one, wheat/gluten for another and spices as well.

HTTM... you have my sympathies, we have intolerances here too, and a dp who won't eat most easy food and can't even cook pasta.

i miss oven food

Well right now I don’t work but dh does full time our children our grown up and moved out

I handle all finances budgets shopping lists cooking cleaning and prepare his lunch for work also i do washing housework etc dh does bins for bin day sometimes washing up and the shopping after I’ve given him a list this is because I don’t drive he does I cook a meal for him for when he gets back from work aswell so he gets packed lunch and dinner upon return aswell as me doing the above stuff I think this is very fair given he’s the bread winner In this house and he works hard I don’t mind what I do if I don’t feel like cooking one evening a weekend we get a takeaway to give that night off I still provide lunch for work the day after my dh can sometimes work weekends so it falls in this way anyway lots of women don’t do packed lunches for husband etc and that’s fine because it’s what works for you as a couple