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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for us after their affairs

152 replies

debs05 · 20/05/2009 18:21

There have been many topics on here recently about affairs, whether to stay, chuck him out etc. I just thought what about when you start to come out the other side (together) and need support moving forward. Or just get it off your chest!

One thing I know is its not our fault,they are to blame with something missing in their lives and need something to make them feel good about themselves. Any one else up for a post affair chat?

OP posts:
ambercat · 20/05/2009 18:41

Hi debs, i am 5 months into rebuilding my relationship after his affair last year. It is quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever done!.
I understand why it happened and am trying to move on, it is very hard not to keep throwing it back in his face all the time but we are being open and honest with each other and i can see our relationship has potential to be great! it is already better than it was pre-affair.

How are you getting on?

Original poster
debs05 · 20/05/2009 18:46

Gosh after 5 months your moving on already, thats so brave and Im in awe. 5 months in I as so messed up I was all over the place. Im 16 months on and only now have realised that Im with him because I want to. Theres so much to get over I felt such a fool, and felt as though if I stayed with him I'd failed as an independent woman. Do you know what I mean?. How many kids have you got?

OP posts:
whatdoyouallthink · 20/05/2009 19:35

I am 5 months in my H is still seeing his ow and has had months of dithering. I would have tried to work through things but didnt have a willing partner. Although he said he wanted to at the same time he was still seeing the ow telling her the same things. Just wanted to wish you both the best of luck in moving on with your husbands and working through things.

Mumfun · 20/05/2009 19:52

I am 6 weeks in from finding out (He had stopped it a month prior). I am in a difficult separated sitaution at present. I dont know if we will get back together - the idea was to try but I dont think he is trying hard enough.

But anyway (sigh)I think the thread is a great idea and hope it helps a lot of people. There are too many of us around at present!

HolyGuacamole · 20/05/2009 19:59

Great thread idea

HappyWoman · 20/05/2009 20:13

Couples counselling is a really good idea to help you both find what you need.

I needed my h to face up to what he had done and hopefully find the reason in himself so that he would not do it again iyswim.

I think the best thing to come out of it for me is that I have become a better person because of all this and that in turn has meant a completly new and different relationship for us.

Dont feel bad for feeling you cant go on sometimes, it is normal and it is now your right to only stay in the marriage while it is good for you.

Stay stong and true to yourselves ladies.

NewLeaseofLife · 20/05/2009 20:23

I am just over a year on and we have finaly decided to seperate. I hae worked my arse off over the past year but the final straw came a couple of months ago. I know he is trying hard to change now and is doing a really good job of it but I am not in love with him anymore! It is a kind of relief to know that now.

We are still in the same house and as far as my DS knows, nothing has changed. We plan to stay like this for as long as it works OK. We are still really good friends.

Sometimes it just works out differantly to how you thoughtit would.

To all of you who have just started on this journey...Good luck and I really hope it turns out for the best for you, however that may be.

ambercat · 20/05/2009 20:40

I think i knew i could make it independently as we were seperated for 8 months before he decided he did want to try again. He has worked away alot over the last few years (very convienient for affairs!) so i am used to coping with the kids alone.

I'm with him because i know i love him and i know we can be good together. We lost each other for a while but we are both determined to make it work. I know if he fucks up again thats it for me, we will have tried and i'm not going through this again, don't think he will make the same mistake twice.

The thing i find hardest is to stop thinking about what they did together (in bed and out)where they went, did they have fun etc etc. i too feel like such a fool, like they were both laughing at me. Dh is good at reassuring me about stuff but i know he hates talking about it and wants to lay it to rest. Its a fine line between putting my mind at rest and dragging over the same things again and again!

I have 3 children, how about you?

ambercat · 20/05/2009 20:44

Sorry thread moved on a bit since i started typing! had to go put children to bed.

Mumfun,hope you are ok, the fist couple of months were hell for me.

BelleDuJour24 · 20/05/2009 20:45

I think you have to take some responsibility in some situations though. Lots of women let themselves go after children, or stop paying their husbands so much attention. I'm not saying it applies to anyone here, but it does happen.

ambercat · 20/05/2009 20:57

Are you having a laugh Belle??! it does not give a man the right to fuck someone else because his wife doesn't pay him enough attention!!

NewLeaseofLife · 20/05/2009 21:09

I did all that Belle but then so did he! I take a lot of responsibility for things going wrong but not for him involving another woman in our lives!

BelleDuJour24 · 20/05/2009 21:16

Im just saying that you have to be realistic. Sorry for your troubles though, I'm sure you wouldn't make those sort of mistakes.

MrsLemon · 20/05/2009 21:26

Belle - Your comments are really very offensive and hurtful.

Are you a cum bucket for married men - so justifying your spem storage capabilities?

FFS!!

pramspotter · 20/05/2009 21:36

Belle,

Even if a woman's looks change after kids (as expected) and the wives are focused on children rather than just the husband why would that give the husband the right to want to cheat?

When people get married they should expect looks to fade, health to fade,the lust and excitement of new romance to fade, and children and jobs to be a lot a hell of a lot of work. They should expect to be able to stay together for life through all these things and not look elsewhere. Children are extremely important and they really do need secure family life. Some marriages are just going to fail and it is no one's fault but bringing a new lover into the equation (at least for awhile after the marriage ends) is very wrong.

A devoted 40 year old working mother of 3 young children should not have to compete with a 20 year old childless woman in looks, romance, and excitement in order to keep her husband around and her children secure and unharmed. It's bullshit to expect that of women. If a man puts his family through this kind of pain to go where the fun is then he is sick and cruel and so is the OW that is helping him be dick.

whatdoyouallthink · 20/05/2009 21:36

I have to agree your comments are offensive, have you been an ow? Sounds like the kind of crap that husbands tell the ow as some kind of justification for an affair.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2009 21:50

belle

that was very, very poorly-judged

this was meant as a support thread for women whose blokes have strayed

do you think they needed to be told it was very probably their own fault because they looked a bit knackered, their tummies were a bit fatter and they didn't massage the blokes egos often enough ?

NewLeaseofLife · 20/05/2009 22:08

Belle, I hope I have misunderstood you and that you are not implying that I have involved another person in my relationship...

adadwithnoname · 20/05/2009 22:23

erm, hello. Are men welcome?

Mumfun · 21/05/2009 07:11

Lets ignore Belle as this thread will be very supportive I hope. And yes men welcome -just as tough for them!

And yes thanks Ambercat - a horribel rollercoaster at present as it is for anyone who has to survive partner affair!

Mumfun · 21/05/2009 07:29

Oh I know Im at the beginning but I found this US site FAQs to be useful: www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

HappyWoman · 21/05/2009 07:30

Of course we all let ourselves go - no-one is the same as when first in a relationship men and women.

Its called life and being so comfortable that you can just be youself.

There are too many ow out there who buy into that crap imo.
We can all find faults in our partners if we really want to.

If a man said to me that his wife had let herself go and didnt give him as much attention - as a friend i would try and get him to put more effort into his marriage not take him to bed (however lovely i thought he was). Because in my opinion he would not be lovely at all if he was willing to do that.

However i can also see just how easy it is to happen - wouldnt we all like a bit of an ego boost from time to time?

BelleDuJour24 · 21/05/2009 07:41

sorry guys, I'm de-regging, wrong site ior me I think.

Original poster
debs05 · 21/05/2009 09:41

Just caught up with the thread. What a bloody cheek that Belle said. No I have never let myself go, after 5 kids most people I meet cant believe my figure!! But its not about me, its about him and his low self esteem. I dont need a stranger to tell me they fancy me cos I wouldnt believe it and I dont need or want their attention.

I am only just turning a corner and Mumfun lots of info is great, I have read and googled every site and thread on affairs imaginable. I have examined phone bills and diseccted everything. My first intitial reaction was "what a bloody cheek, I always had your tea on the table and kept the house nice" ha ha.

Im sorry for those who are thinking its not working, after that short time though its early days. The ups and downs are horrendous, time to myself was worst when my imagination would run riot. I have only just stopped having nightmares, that was awful.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 21/05/2009 10:05

lots of info is good - as it makes you see how common it is and also that it is not your fault.

I also do think there is a huge gender difference and as woman we find it very hard to understand how these men justify what they are doing.

That is why i get so cross with the threads that say the ow has little or no blame, of course it is the man BUT the ow is thinking like a woman and is justifing the affair by thinking there is something wrong in the marriage for him to embark on it.

Men generally think on a different level and dont think that by having sex with someone else it will automatically lead to the breakdown of the marriage (and then they get caught up in the excitement of the affair).

My h has done a lot of work on himself too and although he does not 'blame' the ow he does now see just how she manipulated him so she could get what she wanted - and she wanted to destroy our marriage. (even more so once her h found out).

She was married and i think wanted to end it - again i think woman who embark on affairs do think much more deeply before they do - see how many threads there are about woman being tempted - cant imagine men really thinking it through if they were tempted do you?