Been away for half-term, so just catching up on this thread.
Abedelia, I think you're right that next time OW's H contacts you, your DH should be dealing with it. If I were you, I'd hope he does get in touch, so that she will finally know the score. It has always sounded to me that you might get some closure if you actually heard your DH say to her that he loves you deeply, hates her and himself for what he's done and never wants to hear from her or her H again.
I'm so sorry to hear about other people's stories on here, but I don't know if this will help answer some of the questions that have been posed.
We didn't tell anyone about what had happened. Our children didn't know anything about it either. My DH had a breakdown when all this came out and he thought he had lost everything, but as he had been very unhappy at work anyway (and we think this was one of the catalysts for the affair) everyone in our life seemed to accept that his wobble was work-related. He changed jobs and working hours shortly afterwards and because he looks marvellous now and very happy, everyone thinks that his problems were work-related. There was a time when my Mum would have been intuitive enough to guess there was more to it, but she is getting older now and a bit more self-absorbed, so even she didn't guess what was going on.
For me, I knew that the only way I could deal with this was by keeping this between me and my DH. I do think that others' reactions would have been unhelpful (both the kick-him-out and forgive-him camps)and in the early days especially, I thought if I talked to anyone else about this, I would actually talk myself into leaving him. On the surface then, what people see is that we are visibly very happy and affectionate and since we weren't a publicly very lovey-dovey couple before, I do wonder whether people wonder why we are now.
If I could write a manual for getting over this, I would say these things need to happen:
On discovery, an immediate and emphatic end to the relationship with OW. If possible, an explanation of what this was (not love, just escapism) and a clear message that he is staying because of YOU and not the children.
No contact with OW thereafter at all. It is terribly difficult if they work together and as has been said, it's not easy to just find another job. I know I would have found it near-on impossible to cope if they had worked together, so I think the best you can hope for is that your DH makes genuine efforts to move, even if it means a drop in status.
Counselling, individual or together. My DH had his own counselling and this really did help, as it changed his approach to almost every aspect of his behaviour. He had run away from confrontation/difficult emotional situations all his life up till then. In the past few months, I have seen him say no to requests he would have previously said yes to, been willing to talk about anything at any time etc.
Complete and unabridged honesty, if that is what is needed by both parties. I needed to know everything. He also wanted me to be honest about how I'd been feeling at various points in our marriage and now, I really don't think there are any secrets. We didn't just look at the relationship on the run-up to, and during the affair, but the whole of it, over 24 years. We both learned a lot about each other in this process. We have a completely different relationship now.
If there is another betrayed partner involved, if you have any suspicion at all that they don't know, tell them. I wish I had - I can't bear the thought that the bitch seemed to get off scott-free and I feel wretched about her poor H, who might be persuaded to have children with her. She would be an awful mother too, so I even worry about potential DCs.
We also learned through the counselling that when someone is involved in an affair, they really don't see things very clearly at all. In his case, my DH rationalised that since he didn't love OW and still loved me, this was not a threat as he was never going to leave me for her and I would not find out. Of course, the absurdity of this is that people can never truly compartmentalise and had my DH carried on undiscovered, his appalling behaviour at home would have resulted in the marriage ending anyway. I think the betrayer also has an unbelievable level of arrogance while it is going on and they think they are bomb-proof. I never once snooped, but had I chosen to, it would have been so easy to find out. It also haunts me that someone at his workplace must have wondered why he was always texting and since he normally speaks loudly when he is on the phone to anyone, feel sure that someone must have overheard something suspicious.
I have had to examine what I would have done if someone wonderful had come along and caught my eye, while DH was behaving like he was. I suspect I would have said no, because I genuinely think that if you've got children, you should never jeopardise their happiness, but I have had to acknowledge that I might have been vulnerable myself.
I also think that as time goes on, the errant spouse becomes more and more horrified by their betrayal and so some denial creeps in. My DH still describes feelings during the affair that I don't think he actually felt at the time. We have had several challenging conversations about this and are still having them.
I do think you change as a person and I consider this as life-altering. On the positive side, I don't get so stressed about work, home or family issues now and I feel I've got a better perspective about what's really important. I've also re-discovered how much I love sex too. Apart from when we've been hurt or angry, we haven't been able to keep our hands off one another for 9 months and goodness knows what Freud would make of that one.
On the negative side, I now know he is capable of a duplicity that I never knew existed in him. I do trust him never to do anything like this again, but I don't trust him not to hurt me again in some other way, even though this seems unlikely. Like others have said, he has fallen off the most enormous pedestal. This was literally the last thing I ever thought he would do.
I also feel frightened that unbeknown to me, my life was being altered and I had no control over it. That's one of the scariest things.
And even though we had a wonderful holiday, I still haven't had that feeling of genuine and intense happiness that I used to get pre-discovery. I worry that I will never feel that way again.
Debs, you started this thread and I saw a post from you on another thread recently that suggested you were having another wobble. I know I will too, so do share.