Support for us after their affairs

[debs05]

There have been many topics on here recently about affairs, whether to stay, chuck him out etc. I just thought what about when you start to come out the other side (together) and need support moving forward. Or just get it off your chest!

One thing I know is its not our fault,they are to blame with something missing in their lives and need something to make them feel good about themselves. Any one else up for a post affair chat?

I totally agree I blame the OW more, she knew me and knew my kids, what a bitch. Thats not to say that my h has not had 16 months of hell to go through.

When this first happened to me I didnt have any experience of affairs and couldnt believe that they would be survived, until I started reading. We lost our way and I dont know how, I wish I could go back and have all my kids again and be different, I take some blame for my behaviour towards him. He was always at work and a lot of resentment built up, but one thing that was always good was our sex life. But he actually didnt have much sex with her it was more a friendship, she told him he was fantastic. The shame was I thought it but never said it. He wasnt supporting me either though.

Last Sept I started an access to University course and that has been a god send. Im mixing with lots of single parents and most said they wished they had tried harder to work on their marriage. Im off to University this Sept to train for a degree in Midwifery and I have so much support from h now, with regard to childcare etc. Its like he's taken a back seat and is putting my needs first. What about you? How do you keep busy? My kids are about the same age as yours and they hopefully havent been too affected, I have always been open and honest with them.

I too think i took my h for granted - and like you 'forgot' all those little things like telling he looked nice or how proud i was of him ect.

My h affair was with a work collegue who he had been friends with for a long time - she knew me but to be fair it probably didnt look like a happy marriage from the outside - i was too busy looking after my lot and 'allowing' him to suceed in his career (which of course made him seem even more attractive to others).
I dont blame her for the affair as such but i do blame her for continuing it after i found out and confroted her about it - she said she would tell me if he came back to her and i promised i would not make trouble at work.

Anyway after the usual dithering about - not being able to choose for a while. I got tough and asked him to buy me a house (we were in the process of moving anyway).
I think he saw that actually i would be fine and that i would have the life he really wanted.

He was lucky in that he could take a lot of time of work and although we werent officially together spent a lot of time together and had a great chance to get to know each other again.

He really has chaged and with having all that time off could see what a hard life i had had.

In many ways he is a changed man - much much better at helping around the house, and with the children and just like yours willing to allow me to do my thing.

He changed jobs (she started causing a bit of trouble and h got offered another good job), he has a much better work/life balance too.

I went back to work - which was fantastic and i have a job i love which i can do as an when i want. With 4 children there is always something to keep me busy - but i also do what i want more - out to lunch a lot (and certainly no guilt like i would have had in the past).

We do still see our counsellor from time to time as she is more of a friend, although now i think we see the problems coming.

I/We made a lot of mistakes but i think we are working through most of our problems together now.

I think for me another commitment is that lots of our friends know what happened and i think he would really lose a lot of repect from them if he were to ever put me or the children through it again.

Anyway in many ways our marriage is better than ever - and we certainly have leaned to live for today more.

I go running and for a long time i used to think about the affair - now i dont so i know i am moving on at my own pace.

God Im almost could of written that myself! My h must of looked successful to her. All of our friends and family know and I think thats a good thing. Not one person has said anything bad, they have supported me and wanted what was best for me.Its important to know that you dont have to put up with it and if you choose that you cant stay together thats ok too. They were are hoping that we would sort through it as well. We have been together since we were 17 and 18 and he is my one and only. I am a different person now. I also go running and it really helps.

The turning point is when it doesnt occupy your mind 24hrs. Before if we were having a nice time I would spoil it by telling him he didnt deserve to be with me and the kids. Now I enjoy our time together and Im not going to let it destroy my life any-more.

Ive always been a really positive person and have had many bad things happen in my life, but this really brought me to rock bottom. I think I needed to get there though to realise what I have and the only way is up!

i think other people would see me as positive person but actually i am a bit of a pessimist.
Although it has helped me to be more positive - thats weird really - but if i can get through this i can get through anything.

The turning point for me was when we took a holiday just the 2 of us (its takes some effort but worth it). Dispite all the problems i looked accross and just thought i want to grow old with him - and i think he feels the same. Anything can happen between now and i may well change my mind - but i do feel somehow 'safe' when we are working as a team.

Our friends said they didnt recognise him either whilst the affair was going on - and everyone said how good we were/are together. Which gave me some hope - that he really had gone mad for a while.

So in some ways i feel a bit sorry for ow as she didnt really get the best of him and certainly not the 'real' him. They had no joint friends. And she gave up her family for him.

He made up this whole other side of him that for a while was fun to live out - but even he sees it was not real or would last.

We have a holiday booked for Aug my 40th. It has been cancelled twice by me! I cant wait actually.

I feel the same, as though he had gone mad for a while. Infact thats what he says. I dont care what they did now. I care whats going to happen. We both had our chance to walk away and we didnt.

I dont know about you but I bored so many people an I would take on-board what every-one said. If some-one said "oh I would never put up with that" or "Im worth more than that" it would play on my mind and by the time he got home he was in for an ear full. Its better to be with positive people, who when you waiver can remind you of what you want and that it can get better. It takes months and months to work through and is the hardest thing Ive ever been through.

i do still have the odd wobble when i think 'why did i take him back?' but most people have been very supportive and it is me that doubts myself more tbh.

I did get a lot of the details at first and it bothered me that they had done things special to them. That doesnt anymore either.

I think the thing that bothered me for a long time was whether he was back for me or the dc.
I dont think he could have just come back for them and he is always saying now how much he loves me.
I also worried for a long time that ow thought that he had only came back for dc and i wanted to show her that was not true. Now i tend not to think about what she thinks but i still find myself wallowing in it from time to time. I would love to 'bump into her' and for her to see us really happy together, but then that means i am thinking of her at all.

My h told ow that we were only together for the kids. But then he would wouldnt he? she's not going to waste her time on a man who was only using her while he was going through a crisis. I confronted the ow and that felt good, I also told her h. I think that they are still together but I dont care. My h didnt want her, he can see all her faults, it was fantasy and ego boosting.

I wobble too, but this week is def a turning point as it has been all week without a wobble. I keep pushing all those negative thoughts out my mind. Doing psychology at college has helped too.

Happywoman - I agree totally. I have just found out I am pg again. I'm not sure how H will take this (can't believe I am telling the board first, but I am very nervous about it..) as I do feel he only agreed to try for another to show he was committed to the family and we are only 7 months on so our relationship still has a long way to go. I also have to keep thinking we have 9 months' work before it makes an appearance and we get the strain of sleeplessness and so on. But whatever his reaction I do hope that word gets back to the evil cow as I would love to see her face...

At risk of feeding BelleduTroll, your comments are like being told that if I go out in a short skirt and have a few drinks, I'm asking for a sex attack. If someone has kids, of course H will have to share the attention for a bit. That's called having a family. If he is a) too selfish / stupid to realise this is the natural order of things and that if he gives wife time off to rest she may feel appreciation / love for him and so pay him more attention in response b) too childish to pipe up and say he feels neglected, then throws his toys out of the pram and goes looking for answers in someone else's knickers, how is that her fault?

Christ, even Cindy Crawford's husband is currently being done for harassing waitresses - she's hardly let herself go, has she?! Grr. (rant over)

Oh if Cindy Crawford is married to a dick then I feel better!. I used to read Hello and read out loud to h about how these husbands love their wives so much and how Im stuck with one that didnt love me enough not to have an affair. But thats not true.

Abedelia, that is good news, how many children do you have?. Please dont see it as a way of getting back at the other woman, thats in the past, the future is about you and your family.

This is the third - sorry, didn't mean it to sound like that. Her sour face is just an added bonus!

Debs - celebrities are the worst, mind. They all seem to have such a need for attention that as soon as the tap shuts off just a little (new baby, partner filming in Guildford for a week) they run off with the nearest who or whatever... Although I find it hard to imagine that it could be worse than coming across a pile of awful emails as I did, having my mum ring me on a sunday morning and saying 'the NOTW says X has been up to y - is it true?' then people ringing you for comments before you've even had a chance to process it must really be the worst thing in the world - sod the money!

You poor thing, its never easy however you find out and that pit in the stomach stays for weeks. I lost so much weight at first (have now put it all back on and more!)I used to feel crap in bed, ugly, all of those things. But now (just this week so early days) Ive realised that he is really scared of me meeting someone else. I wouldnt cos Im not shallow. Im off to Marbella with my girlfriends end of June and hes shitting a brick!.

Did you know her or do you want to talk about it?

Thankfully not - though I did meet her once. All their other colleagues thought she only told people what they wanted to hear, which is exactly what she did to him - she researched him and created a personality that liked exactly what he did. Which is a bit creepy, really. She worked with him, he had a crush on her, hinted at this to her at his leaving do, then she pursued it with texts and emails and he didn't take much hooking, especially as she presented herself as his 100 percent match...

I think he was looking for escape from the fact that he was leaving the city for the country and it was like getting old / sacrificing self for better life for kids so he just selfishly wanted to indulge himself. Plus his business had really taken off and I expect he thought he deserved the flattery... I've discussed it to death elsewhere here! Point is, he now realises he was a twat and is a better person for this, which means I can love him for different reasons.

Debs - thanks for starting this thread - and thanks to others for their wise contributions. It came at a good time for me, as I've been having a wobble. I am now 9 months on from discovery.

My DH gave her up instantly and there has been no contact between them whatsoever, after the initial few days, when she texted, 'phoned and E mailed him at work like a woman possessed. He was very clear he wanted no more contact from her - and she hasn't - directly. What she did was post a load of bile about us as a whole family on various social networking sites, including a vicious attack on our 11 year old DD, whom she had never met, but perceived her to be a "Daddy's girl" - and therefore a threat. By the time she did this, my DH had already realised how awful she was, but that was the final nail in her particular coffin. He absolutely detests her now, so I have never had any real fears that it would start up again - and I genuinely don't think he would do this with anyone else.

By and large, he has been brilliant. He went for individual counselling and that helped enormously. He is the most attentive, adoring husband anyone could wish for and he still cries that he nearly lost me.

The wobble this past week came when we were discussing why she thought he was only here for the children - it was pretty evident from things she said and an E mail I saw that this was her view of things. Yet he is adamant (and always has been) that he never told her this. However, like most people in affairs, he was pretty manipulative, and in response to her questions about whether he would ever leave me, replied "No, but in any case I could never leave my kids". Finally, she asked him whether he would leave me even if there were no kids, to which he replied "No". This made her very angry. He accepts now (and this has been hard for him) that it suited his purpose for her to believe that the kids were the stumbling block and he hates that (took me ages to get him to acknowledge this too). After many long conversations about this (his denial was really angering me) this week, we are both feeling a bit battered and bruised.

For the most part, I know we have an amazing relationship now and I have got past the low esteem issues that blighted me in those gut-wrenching early days. I have never had a shock like it in all my life and would say unhesitatingly that moving on has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I know I'm not there yet. I read on one of the many sites I devoured in the early days that it takes 2 years to come through an experience like this.

We had been together for 24 years when this happened and it seemed to come out of the blue. Last year was the worst of my life and the way my DH dealt with his guilt was to treat me and the DCs (2) appallingly. He lost his temper all of the time, made cutting remarks, was withdrawing from family life and generally being a pain to live with. The affair wasn't the only thing I had to forgive - and he understands that only too well.

I have always understood how these things start and I think there ought to be a public health warning about how some people are vulnerable when they feel that they aren't achieving at work, are not attractive any more etc. My DH was too proud to own up to how unhappy he felt at work and although he didn't work with OW, he used to. She got back in touch, kept telling him how wonderful he was (in her memory) and of course it reminded him of a time when he was happy at work, confident in his looks and professional life and the rest is history.

Some of you might enjoy the twist in the tale though. After repeated refusals to meet her, he finally relented and the first meeting took place. It turned out, she had put on about 4 stone in weight and he remembers feeling crestfallen when he saw her. The sex was pretty dreadful too - so much so it didn't happen again for a few months, but by this time, he was addicted to the whole secrecy/texting thing and it was much more about the "it" than "her" iyswim. The next time she suggested meeting, he turned her down because at that point, he just wanted it to be all over with her, but lacked the courage to deal the final blow. He had also come to see her volatility and bunny boiler tendencies at that stage and thought that there might be a terrible backlash.

In my more insane moments, I have even felt sorry for him that he has gone through all this grief for what was crap sex with an unattractive woman - does that sound weird?

So, I know now that I am not "there" yet. I love him deeply and I know he loves me just as much. I am getting happy moments back and I know I'm better than I was. But it is still so hard some days - like an obsession really and I know I'm not really "well" because I still have fantasies about revenge (on OW) and regret being so bloody dignified.

WhenwillI - sympathies about almost feeling sorry for them. In our case, a big part of H's attraction to the OW was because of her huge chest. I can only imagine his disappointment when he got her alone at last and one side of it turned out to be propped up by a giant chicken fillet because it was seriously underdeveloped. I would feel cheap for slagging her of but she is currently trying to put it about that I have been hacking her emails (I can barely operate MS Word) so she deserves all the ill will she gets.

Oh Abedelia how funny!! The OW in my case had an enormous chest too, but most of it was flab as it turned out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm delighted for you.

Cheers, must admit I did chuckle at your H's dream internet woman having turned into a massive flab mountain when he met her in the flesh, too. My H admitted that he was suspicious about a lot of the stuff she claimed to like (as in he'd mention it, she'd make encouraging noises but not say much, then - with Wikepedia's help - suddenly be an expert next time they spoke) but deliberately made excuses for this so it didn't ruin the illusion and he could carry on with the addictive texting and emailing. Most of it is DElusion, sadly - pure fantasy. Yours sounds very similar.

I felt sorry for him too, isnt that weird. I know my h wanted to end it with her but didnt have the guts. At least I can see that the way he acted in that time wasnt the real him and it was his way of dealing with the guilt. Its funny about the sex thing as I said it wasnt really about that for my h and actually after their first meeting for sex, it was 2 months later when they did it again. Now if I couldnt bear to be apart from someone or was having an affair dont you shag all the time? Isnt that the point?

I did get my revenge and Im glad I did I dont regret a thing, she nearly destroyed my family and it was great seeing her having some misery. I hate the stupid cow, he used her and she fell for the old "my wife doesnt understand me crap". Well somtimes when I look at him picking his toes or pick his shitty pants off the floor I cant imagine what the attraction was. Its actually quite funny in a way cos its so tragic. They need to get in the real world.

i remember my h being horrid for a while too - and many of our friends had noiticed it too - he was too up his own arse at that stage.

I regret being so dignified but at least i never stooped to her level - in fact i have a fear that she will one day contact h again (as they were good friends and still work in the same field) but if ever she does i will not hesitate to 'publish' some of the more juicy emails that i have kept (although i dont look at them anymore as it is really history). but it is nice to feel that i still hold some power over her iyswim. I am also glad that i know her address - and other things about her. I have been pretty good at making sure that it is more difficult for anyone to get hold of our info. H changed his number and i will not allow our number to be public.
She would have to really want to contact him to find those details out now.

Oh God - where to start??? I don't even know where I am in my life anymore.

I thought I had it all until January last year. Serves me right for being so damn smug. Been together 15 year, Married for 7. 2 kids 10 and 8.

New years eve 2007 I found an odd text on hubbys phone. No idea why I looked at it really. Except the fact that because it had been left in the lounge it struck me for the first time ever that he NEVER left his phone anywhere. Really really did NOT expect to find anything iffy on it, not really sure why I looked. But there it was a message he had sent to a work Dept. at his place of work. it said Happy New year x Love you x Miss you xxxxx.

So there it was. The seed of suspicion had landed! I then looked to see who he had sent it to - a work dept. Then when I went through his list of contacts there was in excess of 100 phone numbers with the same pre fix (abbreviation for a work department) followed by abbreviated girls names and towns. Like Sal That, Ali Stour, Peg Minster, etc etc
All call logs and other txts logs were empty. He obviously wiped it.
I spent the next 2 1/2 weeks hunting for evidence. Found a few strange files on the PC but not a great deal else. Eventually I went away to stay with my best friend for a weekend, thinking if I gave him enough slack he would hang himself. But no, nothing. In the end I could find out nothing more so called some of the numbers (had noted some of them). That is when the awful truth hit me. one after the other the women told me they met him on various internet sex and dating sites. Some women were actaully very nice, apologetic and some were horrid. I was calm and polite and asking them to tell me why he had their details. Some of them were bluntly horrid saying stuff like "you sad bitch. Have you only just found out, ha ha ha, I was sitting on your husbands face 2 years ago. Every Tuesday evening for 3 months" Another one told me how she loved taking it up the arse from him and that if I had been a decent wife, listend to my husbands needs he wouldnt have had to found himself a real fun woman to be with (hence my rude reaction to Belle earlier today). He even had a false alias in which he "operated" under. He had a whole false name etc.

Well to cut a very long story a little shorter. I confronted him after our DDs had gone to bed the same day. His knees buckled from under him and he wept. Pathetic!

He moved out for a while (very temporary arrangement). He slept at his place of work unoficially so no one ever knew. To this day he has not had to admit to anyone other than me his dirty little secret. That is somethin I resent to this day. I had to confide in a few close friends, as I literally could not function in the days that followed. People were concerned and asking me what was up etc etc.

Eventually, because of various things going on at home and with family events etc he sort of just slipped back home! We talked in the early days but have never really had a cool calm collected convo about what he did for 4 years ( as far as I know - it could be longer, I mean what do I beleive now??).

So cutting hell of alot out - he has been remorseful and sorry. Wanted to try again. At the time I was in such a state of shock and disbelief. I just went along with anything - i really dont think I was in my right mind at the time.

So here we are 17 months on and we are still married and getting on with life. I am so unhappy. I cannot leave as I am a SAHM. We dont own a home as he has tied housing to his job. He is the tennant and I have no legal rights. I cannot get housed. I spoke to CAB and the councils from my home town and the current place we live (we move house every 3 years with his job). My home town housing people say as I have not lived in the area for 15 years they dont have to help me. My local housing place say I have no local connections and even if I did I would have to have resided here for 5 years, which we have not.

I have been looking for a job for almost a year now. But I have only been called to 1 interview and not been offerd any job. I am not very bright. No qualifications. Seriously lacking self esteem and confidence - I was before this happend but you can imagine that now I am totally shot!

Then I am also just too scared to leave. Some days I think I still love him. The next I resent him so much. I am just a mess. I dont know if I am coming or going. We argue over normal married couple stuff from time to time and when we do I throw it all back at him! Time and time again. I try not to but it just comes out in a mad tirade I have no control over.

Please dont be harsh with me. I really am pathetically sensitive and delicate atm. I only posted all this (there is actually alot more - but this post is long enough LOL) because this is a support thread.

Is there anyone else out there who does not how they feel anymore about their relationship or partner? Am I the only one who really does not know what they want?

Am confused and atm tickin along with life OK, but TBH, I do wonder if this is it and get depressed that my life is just ticking along and not much more.

Mrslemon, you poor thing you have had your life torn apart. have you had any councelling alone or as a couple to help you deal with it all? do you think he will change?

Reading everyones stories makes me smile in a way! mine is sooo similar! i gave up work to look after children and so he could focus on his career which increasingly meant him working away, we grew apart and i started feeling resentful, there was a lack of communication between us and he found comfort and love in the arms of a 25 yr old!!

I really never thought he would do it to me and it turned out he had had one night stands over the previous 4 yrs. I just wish he had talked to me.

Deb i also got my revenge on OW was so angry that she had destroyed my family and got away scott free. It made me feel so much better as i think it made me into a real person. I felt like i was just an abstract concept to her before!!!. She is now with one of dhs friends and is practiclly living round the corner, turns out she was shagging them both at the same time! nice girl.

Mrs. Lemon. You poor woman, why would anyone be harsh? You have been through a truly dreadful experience. I have often wondered whether my experience would have been easier if I hadn't endured the awful experience of "finding out" via DH's old phone. The shock nearly floors you, doesn't it? But I suppose the "not coming clean" is all typical of cowardly, deceitful behaviour which is pretty much what affairs are.

How can we help you? What would be your perfect scenario? Perhaps if you tell us whether you still love him and want to try again, or make a new life without him, we can act as a sounding board?

I have remembered your posts and you certainly come across as bright to me. Your sage advice to others about finding proof is legendary and I've often thought that you could work as a Private Investigator!

I didn't blame you in the least for your response to the earlier comment and can quite see how it hit a terrible nerve.

I have similar anger with the "one strike and they are out" brigade - even those who have been through this and did just that are generally more sympathetic. It's the posters who haven't walked in our shoes that I have most frustration with, but then again, I suspect I would have been just the same. Like Debs, one of the hardest things for me was that my willingness to try confounded everything I'd believed about myself.

In the end, I had to take the view that I loved him (actually didn't realise how much either) and apart from one awful year, he had given me 23 years of fidelity, commitment and love. In my good moments, I rationalise it that he made one terrible mistake at a time when he was in a bad place and I believe generally in the principle that everyone deserves a second chance. I do know with certainty though that there would never be another chance given, not after the pain we have gone through to get this far.

I also get very, very cross at the viewpoint that the OW should not be blamed. Oh yes they should, in equal measure to the betrayer. As your post shows, there are some truly horrible women out there.

Also wanted to welcome Adad - do join us and we will offer what ever support we can.

Im sorry MrsLemon -definitely post more about what you want and get some support

Im finding this thread hard in that I think like your husband mine isnt very sorry. He says it was wrong to have affair but he isnt really making amends . Now were separated he is having a good time doing what he wants and Im left in looking after the kids. I wanted the separation for a specific time but hee wants it indefinitely.

I did want to reconcile but he is not trying hard enough -he seeems to be much keener on the kids. He was horrible to them for a long time the same as me when he was going through his crisis - but he is very good to them now but not so good to me.

Not good really - will have to see what happens this weekend when I spend some time with him.

I wish he was being kinder, more loving and making more effort.

Mrs lemon

I just want to say how much I feel for you - the shit you have been through - crazy. I think I know my dh is having an affair or sleeping around but not brave enough to face it. We are going to relate and may just say what I feel then. he often comes home late with feeble and confused reasons about where he has been. Also texts that are quickly deleted and a v suggestive e-mail.

I have got to get my arse in gear and get it sorted. I have two ds.

Mrs Lemon god I feel for you. Unfortunately after reading up on affairs it seems that if they got away with it once there will be more. (the ow told me that h had cheated very early on in our marriage and he also shagged another co-worker). What a sad tale.

You need to take control of the situation. You are a strong woman yoou have children and need to be a strong role model for them. Be with him because you want to. Make the decision that its what you want if it is and start over with YOUR life. Put him on the back-burner, as Ive said I had no qualifications and Im just finishing my access to University course, I start my degree in Sept. All these courses are free.

Those details that you know are truly horrid, infact all our h details are horrid , but that is what is going to bring you down, whats in your head!. Do you think those women are nice? No they are scum and probably hate their lives, your better than that, take control, decide what you want. If you realise that you can live without him but make the decision to stay then thats different, but dont feel as though you have to live in misery. I feel for you so much.

I have negative thoughts about 100 times a day and I find it so hard, but Im not letting these slags ruin what Ive worked so hard for and what my children deserve.

Scoutandjem face it and confront it or it will tare you apart. I cant believe how weak I was when I suspected, you cant stop it in your head, it needs to stop in real life. These slags are no better than any of us, I actually thought I was ugly ect compared to her. I wished I'd had the guts to tell him to shape up or ship out. Im a different person now and I wouldnt stand for it.

Sorry forgot to add Mumfun, they need and must be truly sorry or its never going to even start to be right. The resentment will build up, it took a dramatic bit of revenge for my h to realise just what a mess he'd got us in. They deny it and they are so guilty they try to justify it, while all the time our lives have been ripped apart. Its like they've played a game with our loves.