Support for us after their affairs

[debs05]

There have been many topics on here recently about affairs, whether to stay, chuck him out etc. I just thought what about when you start to come out the other side (together) and need support moving forward. Or just get it off your chest!

One thing I know is its not our fault,they are to blame with something missing in their lives and need something to make them feel good about themselves. Any one else up for a post affair chat?

I just have had massive anger issues recently regarding him taking the kids. He takes them every other weekend - for one night and most of 2 days away. But he also comes here the other weekend so sees the kids every weekend. Obviously kids happy about this. We do get on well and the idea was to be separate for the present to avoid the problems we had but try to reconnect.

But to say this taking kids away every second weekend must continue if back together is too much! One weekend every month is even odd. The kids want me to come too.

Ive got myself into a very complicated almost limbo situation -my fault I suppose but you dont know how things will pan out.

And Id said to him a big deal for me last weekend - where I was a bit brave and said I didnt want to separate and divorce - but he still wants all what he wants. He does do some nice stuff but it seems to me he ensures he always gets what he wants.

MrsLemon, I think I still want him back. I definately want them to split. But I'm starting to wonder whether it will ever happen. He also works in the same company as her. She's in HR and he's now saying that he can't leave her till after July because of a review going through - he's already told me he's not part of the review! He doesn't like me texting him or e-mailing him, only likes showing affection to me when we are in the house together. Like she's got some kind of spy software!

He's making excuses, and I can't work out whether it's because he doesn't really want to leave her or whether he's scared of what she'll do when he does.

He says he wants to leave her but its difficult, he doesn't want to raise susupicion that we're seeing each other. He says he wants his old life back.

Whenwill - i too liked your thread and you make a lot of sense.
Deb are you still angry at yourself for having him back and would you like some control again. I know i sometimes feel a bit like that.
My counsellor said you have to know that you could walk away if you ever found out again, But i do sometimes feel myself fantasizing about it and feeling that strength of kicking him out.iyswim. Its not what i want but i feel powerful when i think how i could.

There is a sadness that something has gone - the total trust is lost forever, but in its place is a more open understanding between us.

As for trust i dont think you need 100% - my h accepts that i wont ever again and does everything he can to assure me - if the phone goes and he wanders off he knows i am wondering who it is and so he now openly tells me without me having to ask who it is.
The little things he does are what count now.

On balance for me there are more positives to come from his affair - maybe not for the marriage and i am sure he feels he has lost something (but it was him who smashed it). He has also learned a lot about himself though and is generally a much more family focused man now.

As for the revenge - i still have emails i could send back to her that she would not want to be made public. I hope she feels she will always have to give me a wide berth, whereas there is nothing she can tell me that he hasnt already anyway.

I had treatment for HPV infection - i thought very hard about whether to inform ow and i felt if she had been a friend i would have told her - however she was not my responsibility and so i almost hope she did not get herself checked out, does that make me evil. I also made sure that h never spoke to her again and i believe he would not have done.

Yovicko, does your H have difficulty taking responsibility for things. My H was very worried about leaving OW, he had/had major issues dealing with anything in his life (due to disfunctional childhood and in effect has never "grown up" and taken responsbility for any of his behaviours). He said the hardest thing he ever had to do was tell OW he was leaving (with staff he normally make life so unbearable for them so they leave and he was hoping to do same with OW ie be so horrible she would tell him to leave which was never going to happen as she is bunny boiler material!). We are now going to Relate together and he is staying at his mum's half the week and half the week with me and the kids.

Maybe your H is the same - my H desperately wanted to get his old life (he had a bit of a breakdown and OW was his rock bottom when he realised he needed help). He is making changes with himself with the help of therapy as everything in his life was imploding including his business.

For ages my H parked his car away from our house in case she saw it outside like I was the OW !!! Doesn't do it now. And also she had brothers like the Mitchells and I think he thought he was going to be kneecapped.

We are taking things very slowly as I still feel like I have been hit by a bus as the Relate lady put it.

I think a lot of men are like this - and to some extent we 'allow' them to be. We like to be the mother figure for them, and actually take on too much.
My has to take medication every day - it was me that used to get the repeat prescriptions and tell him to get his blood tests booked (in fact would often book them for him). Just like a child there comes a point when they rebel against it - even if they dont realise that is what is happening.
After all what is more attrctive your mum or a new 'toy'.
Often these affairs are not about wanting to break up the family but because these men have never had to really think how their actions will impact others lives.

My h now knows it is up to him to get his own medicines (he has forgotten sometimes - but it is up to him now not me).
It is a far healthier way to live.

And in a way by even us trying to figure out why it happened and look for 'reasons' we are again being the mother figure.

Been immersed in a work event, so haven't posted this week, but glad this thread is still alive! Happy Woman, sometimes when you write, it is like me talking. What you say resonates so deeply.

Counting to 10, I think you are spot on in your assessment of your H. His former behaviour was manipulative in the extreme and I'll bet he's always hated confrontation. Treating people badly so that they "sack" him, in effect, absolves him of responsibility and blame. My DH was similar to an extent, so much so that I wondered in the early days whether (during the affair) he was trying to get me to end the marriage, he was behaving so horribly. We've had lots of conversations about this and actually, I think it's a bit more complex than that.

In our case, he had been in contact (in some form of another) for about a year before he finally met up with OW. There was a fairly long gap of no text contact (about 5 months)during that time which, bizarrely, he doesn't really remember. He assumes they were still E mailing occasionally, or that she was phoning him, but he now wonders whether, having been met with refusals to meet up, OW moved on to someone else briefly.

However, during that year, we have concluded that he was "creating a gap" in our marriage, to allow the possibility of an affair. He was therefore withdrawing emotionally from me, but it was pretty subtle, so much so that when I realised I was feeling unhappy and unsettled, I didn't even pin it on him or our relationship.

The truly awful behaviour started after he'd seen her. He says that by that time, he felt he didn't deserve love, affection and a happy home life. He has also wondered whether it subconsciously occurred to him that if I ended our marriage, by that time, we would have been so estranged from one another emotionally, it would have been less painful for him to handle. However, he says that if that WAS a motivation, all that was shattered on Discovery night, when he really did think he had lost me. He says the pain was indescribable and acute, so any belief he might have had that it was going to be less painful, was shot to pieces. He is adamant that he never, ever wanted me to call time on our marriage - but is prepared to accept that he felt I had just cause to, there was always a risk that I might, and so was trying perhaps to lessen the pain for himself. One of the hardest things to forgive is that in effect, he "did a number" on me, to create the conditions where an affair was more justified.

Our rebuilding process has therefore included both of us rejecting any manipulative behaviours, with anyone in our lives in fact. He now tells people how it is and is much more straightforward with people and I don't expect him to read my mind about what could be troubling me. We are very direct and open with eachother.

YoVicko, I understand why you want him back, but he is still behaving manipulatively. In your position, I would want him telling OW that he is making a clear choice because he wants you and not her. I can almost hear him now, somehow blaming you to her for HIS choice to return to you. Have you considered giving him a time frame? Or at the very least, some appearance that actually, you are moving on now and if you have moved on too far by the time he has come to his senses, then that it HIS responsibility, and not yours?

Happy Woman, I don't blame you in the least for hoping that OW didn't get herself checked out! Did her H take her back in the end - have you heard anything about what she's up to now?

I also fantasise about what I would do if anything like this happened again, but although I always thought that an affair was a deal-breaker, I absolutely know now that a second occasion would result in the marriage well and truly ending. I would just know with every bone in my body that if he did it again, after this much pain, agony and soul-searching, I would think he was a sadist and a psychopath. I gain strength from knowing that actually, the decision would be much clearer cut than before - and there is a peace of mind about that.

But I genuinely cannot imagine he would do this again. Like your DH, Happy Woman, he is incredibly sensitive to flashpoints, like his phone going off, or unexpected calls. We are also into a summer of horrible "anniversaries" from a year ago, and he is extremely caring about how I might be feeling.

We have also talked a lot in recent times about the affair being only part of the list of things to forgive. The other day, my DH said that there are times when he feels worse about his cruelty and behaviour to me while it was going on. He finds that inconceivable now - but at the time, thought he was being "assertive"! He really hates himself for what he was at the time, Happy Woman, has that lessened at all in your DH? Is it healthy for someone to hate themselves that much?

whenwill - we are nearly 3 years on and yes sometimes h does still beat himself up.
It did become a bit of a pattern - whenever we disagreed he would become all woe is me and 'blame' himself and say he is not worthy ..... wearing his hair shirt - which sometimes is ok but can be a bit tiresome too.

Just as we have to learn not to make everything into the 'affair' they have to learn that the affair is not their only fault.

As for what happened to the ow - well she left her h and 2dd and got herself a flat. It was at that point that i really did start to know something was going on (i think she really put the pressure on h then).
I did hear that she asked to re-build their marriage (but he refused). She is still registered at the marital address though so i assume that she did go back to him and he had her back.
H thinks they are not together but neither of us is that interested if we are honest - just curious as to the outcome.

I find it sad really that i dont know the full outcome of all the lives that were shattered during that time - like not knowing the ending of a story really.

If it's ok I might chip in occasionally as I have waves of feeling very very upset about a situation that may not ever have existed...

DP is stay at home Dad....became best friends with another childs Mum and she basically took over our lives and replaced me last Christmas as his best friend. I expressed my dislike of their extreme friendship, he lost the plot with me and went running to her and admits he tried to kiss her but she stopped him...says it was a freak thing.

Two weeks later they were still text flirting and her husband found out but believed her story and only blames her not my DP as he wasnt told about the attempted kiss.

We did counselling but only because he said I had issues. Counsellor said there was nothing wrong with me and his relationship was inapproporiate so then I tried going on my own but really there was no point in my continuing.

Then had a dreadful New Year when they keep almost daily contact (inc her husband) who obviously felt sorry for DP not knowing the full story and went in to some 'act normal type macho mode)....DP went back in to best friend mode with her and I tried leaving a couple of times to get some space. My DP was very very angry with me for what seemed liked months, then I started to talk a little more about her and extend the hand of warmth (if not friendship) and we had a long weekend away when we didnt talk about it at all and suddenly DP was back to being a civilised human being.

For past 2 months I'd say DP has been fantastic....affectionate, considerate, happy and we've mixed happily with this other couple as we cant really avoid them. BUT last few weeks she's back in full force and they're living in each others pockets again. I've not found anything (yes I still check) out of order on email/text and he talks openly about every bit of contact they have but I still feel sick to the stomach about the whole thing and suffer from the desire to not go away on business overnight, not go out for client dinners and generally a desire to turn-up unexpectedly at home during the day because I cant help but suspect them both still of what???? Im not sure.

Ive told him today that I'm feeling unsure about their friendship again and he said 'No that's fine. Don't worry' which wasnt exactly a 'nothing is going on'. At least he didnt react with anger. Gonna get a book recommended on amazon in hope that it will help me and that his seeing me read it might mean he will read it too (although very unlikely as he's never read any of the books about raising children etc) and understand what I might be feeling and why it's normal given all that has happened.

Just want to cry and shout sometimes about all of this because IT'S SO UNFAIR....

Robin - sorry, you don't need a book, you need a better partner. I am so angry on your behalf about how he is behaving. So he tried to kiss this woman, knows you are upset about it (understandably), is unreasonably close to her (definition of an emotional affair is confiding in someone else more than your partner... hello!) and now thinks YOU are being unreasonable because you don't like him cosying up to her???

I am not surprised your counsellor said what they did. HE is the one who needs to go on his own, to have it drummed into his thick head that he is being a complete shit.

Personally (and I know a lot of people here may not agree with me) but I would enlighten her husband and have a frank talk with him about just how close they are, and that you are concerned as to where it may lead - even if she seems sensible enough to have knocked it on the head for a bit, if he persists in chasing her and flattering her then she may give in.

You need to get distance between her and your families - as for his thought that you need counselling as YOU have issues with this situation (unless of course you back down meekly, stop mentioning it and pretend it isn't happenning), . I think several of the regular posters on this thread would probably join me in wanting to give him a swift kick up the bum with a very large, very hard boot.

Abdelia

I know I need a better partner but he's the only one I've got, holding all the cards with the house and kids because I HAVE TO work full-time and he has been making a huge effort recently. I think he thinks I'm cool about it now because I finally realise nothing was actually going on and he was quick to respond today when I mentioned my uncertainty. I'm not defending him but I've also got to be open and forgiving for my own benefit as well as my children.

Hope that makes a little sense.

Hi back to say that H has decided he doesnt love me and wants to separate permanently.

But he just keep crying. Its so awful. (and I keep crying but not today) I just dont know what Ill do. We still have such care for each other. And then he seems unsure of whether the love has gone.

But I did want the limbo to end - so thats fair. And I dont want to be with someone who doesnt love me.

But and I cant believe this bit - he wants to keep in the same pattern of the temporary separation of being with me and the kids every other weekend and the kids and his mother the other weekend. We do still get on so well - although I think I will find it so hard now when there is no hope. And Ive told him of course it is unsustainable long term.

And on top I have bad bad medical problems and DS has some difficult problems too.

Life is hard sometimes!

Ive just got to take time now and decide what to do -but thats so hard too. Ive a choice of moving far away to my family with more support and better community (but toxic mother!) or stay here with no support (H says he will still support me - Ive told him no I dont think so)

All advice welcome!

Sorry Mumfun....dreadful situation and I have no informed advice.

Wanted to selfishly ask a question about folks sex life when their DH's/DP's were having affairs (obviously before their partners were found out)...did it deteriorate/stay same/improve?

direct answer sex life was rubbish during his 1.5 year affair- I think he felt so guilty. He would try to avoid at all costs! But I thought due to other stuff he was depressed. How wrong I was!

Same as mumfun - for the weeks it was going on he avoided me (mostly). I also thought he was depressed...

Sorry Robin, i didn't mean to offend, he just came across as such a selfish whatsit in your post, blaming you for being paranoid when not only had he overstepped the normal bounds but your counsellor had confirmed this also. How would he feel if you had such a close relationship with someone? Personally, i do find it hard to understand why he is persisting in being so close to her when he knows it makes you uncomfortable, though.

Mumfun: so sorry to hear that, but at least now you can try and move on, despite his sadness. I'm not sure like you say that it is sustainable - will any new man want your ex hanging around every other weekend? Has he considered that, and can you actually bear to be round him that much (especially at first)? I know you have to do what is right by the children but you also have to take care of yourself - do children get confused by seeing their parents together but not together? Now I'm asking questions and not sure that helps!

Mumfun, My H avoided me too at all costs and I also put it down to pressures of work and having a new dc. Was also starting to think he had depression too-How wrong was I!

I also think it must be a little confusing for dc to see mum and dad together when there is no need to. I know some things do need both parents but by having you with him when he has the children he really isnt getting an idea of what its like for you when you have them on your own. Neither is it giving you chance for a break or a social life.

My h has spent 6 months dithering with 'i dont knows' etc and I am bored of it all so much. Last week he wanted to us to 'see' how things went and see if we had a chance of making things work. Shame that after he told me that he didnt put his phone down properly and I heard him go back into a pub and start talking to the ow!. Screaming match all round was started by that one. He then asked me to give him till monday to talk to her..er no. He still wants to talk to me and keeps saying he will come round at some point today, tommorow etc. Told him not to bother I really just want to get on with my life without him.

Do they ever grow a pair of balls and just be upfront about what they want? Ive read so many threads like this on here but no one seems to have had a dithering h for 6 months!! I have started the divorce route but am getting no where fast as he is refusing to acknowledge the letters or sign anything. As much as I dont want him anymore I really hate the idea of him and her together. Drives me mad. Everyone tells me it wont work with them but all I think is well it does sometimes dont it.

Abedelia...no offense taken at all. Trying to work this out in my own head. Series on convos have now taken place and DP said (as I suspected) that I've been so cool about it that he genuinely didnt think I'd mind but if it does bother him he will reduce contact with her to a min. I'm trying a whole new problem approach of not getting angry, not getting sarcastic (v difficult) but saying something the minute I feel uncomfortable and in a way that seems collaborative rather than confrontational. All too much like hard work but so far getting much better responses.

Our sexlife has improved massively in the past 6 months which is why I asked...no idea why.

Robin i think it is good that he is quick to reassure you. It cannot know you are upset unless you tell him and it seems it is working.
If you are a partnership then you should be able to say you are not comfortable with his choice of friends whether they are male or female.

Whatdoyou - sorry he is still being a twat - keep strong he will string you along as he can - you know you have to take control and not let his actions impact on your life now.

WRT the sex thing - at first i think it was less but as i became aware there was something wrong and i started to put more of an effort in our sex life actually improved . And for a while after i discovered the affair we had a good sex life - unfortunately that has dwindled again now but i think it is because of other things.

Hi hope you don't mind me joining in? You might of seen me on other threads, not quite used to this site yet, sorry!

I have just sent all afternoon inbetween dealing with two v demanding children reading all of this post and wow all you guys are amazing, your all surviors.

Incase anyone doesn't know my situation my dh left me a couple of weeks ago, I found out he was advertising for nsa daytime sex on the internet, he didn't friends, txts, emails, it was simply sex. but it wasn't the 1st time he had affairs while I was pregnant with 1dd, before we were married.

I have been wondering whether there is any possibly we could ever get back together, at the moment my head and heart are in constant battle. Its very sad to hear so many horrible things other people are going through but I do feel that I am not alone anymore, and its nice to hear of people who have worked things out as most people just simply say dump him, but its not so easy when you like the person and you have kids and a marriage, its just I hate what he has done.

i have not read the whole thread, I have 2 dc 2 and 4 it has been 10 months since i last found out and i say last found out because i had been told by the ow 2 years prev to that that he had slept with her while i was away visiting fam with or two dc ds was only 7 wks.

This destroyed me i was so depressed had to start taking antidepreesants which made me resent him even more as had to stop breast feeding.

we seperated for a bit then got back together he was sorry etc
Then after a year i found out he had been phoning her, that was enough for me I aked him to leave and he did.

We stayed together but lived separately. after about 6 months things were going well so i thought we moved to a new house and he moved too. After a month there we had an arguement he dissapeared for the night the next day i found out (from her) he had gone to hers and they had sex, i also learned they had had sex 6 months peviously.

I could not believe my situation and he always denied at first only after constant arguements and nagging i would get the truth.

he went to see a councelor and we got help as a couple. The thing is we are not married and we were not together for long before we had children we have never had time for just us. I feel sometimes its just the dc holding us together as i know i would not accept this if we did not have the dc to think of.

I do love him. but feel so utterly broken and cant beleive he could do such a thing, i could never do such a thing myself.

the ow was an ex and she caused hell, turning up at our house, nasty phonecalls emails did not leave out any of the gory details.

the last 10 months have been really rocky on my part he has been great and really making an effort, sometime i think it may be too late. However, i really do want to spend my life with him if its just us and he does not bring anyone else into the relationship.

I too keep bringing it all up in arguements which really does not help but i get so angry and just can not hold it in.

would love some support and want to know how long it can be before it feels ok again. Oh and did anyone stop fancying their dp or dh as that has happened to me since, its difficult for both of us.

thanks for reading if you got this far.xxx

Well I feel totally depressed again just now.

We had an absolutely awful blazing row this afternoon. I came the closest I have ever come to walking out.TBH, before he came home from work early today, he had so pissed me off by leaving me a another note with instructions of jobs and things he wanted me to sort out, despite the fact he has just had 2 days leave but spent it playing PC games. I was SO pissed off I was considering just leaving this afternoon before he came home. In fact my bag is now packed and I pretty much ready to go still. I expect the pathtic little worm I am will mean I wont actually leave tomorrow. I always loose my nerve. I have absolutely nowhere to go but I was just going to get in my car and drive and drive and see where I ended up. Not a good plan really but hey ho.

So we had this huge row where I told him I hated him for all his fucking, all his years of lies deceit. I told him I still hurt every minute of every day. I sleep dreaming about him shagging his whore cum bucket munters. I get flashbacks repeatedly from the past where it triggers YET ANOTHER thought process of "OMG , remember the day that so in so happend, well I was home alone yet again with the kids and he must have been out shagging because xyz" etc etc. I told him I hate him for making me feel so shit.

He just calmly told me he loved me more than anything and wishes he could turn the clock back etc etc.

Eventually we sat in my daughters bedroom (she is away atm) for some reason. I think I went in there to grieve leaving my children too when I was almost out the door in mid row. We then spent 3 hours chatting. Well me quizzing him, as I have so many empty blanks we have never chatted. I sensed he was uncomfortable talking about it but I pushed and pushed. There were alot of tears but actually little he said hurt me anymore. It was all as seedy and disgusting and self gratifying as I had imagined anyway. I sensed all the way through though that he was always holding back, never volunteering info. Almost as if he was testing to see how much I knew before he would answer etc etc. Some stuff he told me today does not match up with his intial story 18 months ago! I didnt tell him this but told him - I knew he was holding back, he said it was embarrassing to talk about it etc etc. I didnt tell him I knew he had changed minor bits from 18months ago - I wont lay all my cards on the table to him now. He is a liar and a cheat, even if he "so says" loves me! We chatted an chatted and considering no one ever calls or rings our door bell every bloody man and his dog rang us today and came to the door. We ignored the door but answerd the phone cos DD is away atm.

I think he really sat up and listend when I told him sex to me now is a vile, seedy, dirty thing I am not interested in. I told him the thought of exactly what he did with his ugky munter "I'll do it with anyone types" had just switched me off and replulsed me so much, I am now repulsed by sex. I told him, there was nowt special for him to give me now, there was no exclusivity, he has shagged most of the Fanjos on disply on most UK dating sites. He also indulged in anal and oral with them all, so it not just a quick shag - every one of them was absolute full on sexual gratification whilst I spent hight after night and week after week and month after month at home on my own with our 2 kids feeling lonelier and lonelier. I told him he had ruined our sex life (not that there is much of one anymore).

So anyway. Not alot is resolved. I feel better for telling him how I feel. I feel better for quizzing him but I feel exhausted and emotional. I really have not felt this shit for ages.

Sorry to bore you all with that. just needed to vent.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I am scared of the future. My daughters will be devastated if we split. I just cannot cope with dealing with their emotional fall out if I leave, I am struggling to keep myself together tbh. Maybe its just easier to stay. I just dont know! I feel like just disspapearing and have so had enough of it all.

Mrs Lemon so sorry - it is so hard. I would be destroyed by that behaviour too -dont know if I could forgive it TBH. But if you go what happens to your daughterrs? Why dont you ask him to go?

Ms Devine thaat sounds hard too. You do need to find some way to deal with anger or it can damage thinsg so badly - he should be helping. And no I didnt stop fancying my H -dont know why - it surprised me

Mrs. Lemon - so very sorry and my heart goes out to you. Does he say why he did all this? And have you had any counselling?

Have you made an active choice to stay with him? If that is really the truth (rather than you're frightened of being on your own with the DCs) then that is fine. Don't be afraid to admit to yourself that you love this man, despite it all. But conversely, if you hate him and don't want sex with him any more, this isn't going to work is it?

I have no experience of being a single mum, but know lots of people who are - and all say it is preferable than living in the hell that you describe. Your daughters will adjust probably better than you think and although there will be hard times ahead, your life as you describe it sounds so impossibly bleak.

How does he feel about what you said? How does the prospect of you leaving make him feel? Does he take the threat seriously, I wonder?

So sorry again, please come on here for support with what ever choice you make. I am relieved for you in fact that things seem to be coming to a bit of a head.

Ms Devine, what does your gut instinct tell you about your DP? Have you been checking for any further indiscretions in the past 10 months? It sounds as though your DP will still only admit to what is incontrovertible proof and I get no sense of honesty about the whole story from him.

It could be that more counselling is in order? I think it's healthy to go back every now and then, anyway. So very sorry - you and I are at more or less the same timeline, but different stories. Sounds like the OW was dreadful too (same for me!). What does he think of her now?

Re. the sex, the strange thing was that our sex life became fantastic again immediately. I'm sure I looked at DH with new eyes and had forgotten how gorgeous he was, but I have admitted to him that the knowledge that someone else was in love with him had a direct effect on my libido. I find this a bit distasteful in a way, but think there is also more to it than that.

We have been more honest with one another in the past 9 months or so than at any other time in the preceeding years. That honesty has created much greater intimacy between us. The lack of secrets and lies means that we can be completely un-inhibited with each other and it's been like an unexpected gift. It has, no doubt, helped enormously through this awful period in our lives.

Prior to this, I would have imagined that I wouldn't have wanted him touching me again. But that didn't happen for me, which I still find a bit strange.

Hello,

Is there anyone still about who was on this thread originally?

How are you all doing now?

I am still with DH. Still not as a happy couple but at somepoint I did give it a proper go between us but he has killed it for me I am 90% sure of that. We moved house last year to a different part of the UK (for his job)and I decided I HAD to change my life if I was going to stay.

We stopped going out together years ago and he never wants to socialise or go out and have fun as he says he is shy! Shy enough to have shagged strangers for 4 years!

Anyway like I said since we moved here I have sorted myself out alot. I started off by doing some voluntary work and also did a part time college course. I met loads of friends and got myself a social life! He stays at home doing whatever it is he does (more PS3 these days I think but who knows?). I lost 4 stone in weight - most of which went on when I was in utter despair after my initial discovery. The one thing I have not yet managed to do is find a proper job that pays me a decent wage - I seriously think once I have that I will make plans to escape.

Most days I am happy. But I do get days when I just plummet. I feel so lonely at times. Our sex life is pretty non existant. I dont actually want to have sex with him anymore. Because we lead such seperate lives these days and all the trust is gone I cant help but wonder if he has sneaked off for a random shag, he must be gagging for it considering he was hsagging a different person several times a week as well as me a few years ago.

So we cohabit, talk general everyday chit chat and most of the time its OK. I do my thing and he does his. He says he loves me but he used to come home and say that within minutes of screwing someone else! I just look at him and wonder where the man I married went. I feel sad I lost him (although I wonder if he ever existed). I still feel something towards him but its not a passionate love and some days he just exasperates me.

I am so busy these days I rarely get time to dwell on what he did but every now and again it does hit me. My bf in real life is a superstar and listens and listens. Bless her. I am so lucky to have her.

No idea what the future holds but I have a dream fantasy where I will be self sufficient and live in a my little flat/house with my DDs or alone (if they are grown up) and live a life for me.

Thats all a bit disjointed. In nutshell - life is better, issues not resolved but I am in a much better place emotionally but still not at the end of my journey I think!

Reading through this (I realise its an old thread) has been helpful in recognising that what I am feeling is normal - we have come so far since discovery but I still have the occasional wobble e.g this morning just before waking, I had a horrible dream involving the OW and as a result was very grumpy with my H before he left for work.

Mrs Lemon - so sorry to hear what you have been through, it must have been horrendous and to be honest it sounds like you are still suffering a great deal and therefore is not able to recover properly. It can't be good for you all to live like this.

As for finding a better paid job - couldn;t you visit your CAB and find out what child tax credit and benefits you can claim? When I was considering splitting up, I looked into finances, housing etc and was reassured that I would be OK financially and that really helped my thinking.