Support for us after their affairs

[debs05]

There have been many topics on here recently about affairs, whether to stay, chuck him out etc. I just thought what about when you start to come out the other side (together) and need support moving forward. Or just get it off your chest!

One thing I know is its not our fault,they are to blame with something missing in their lives and need something to make them feel good about themselves. Any one else up for a post affair chat?

debs do you sometimes dislike that harsh part of you that would kick him out next time? I think i struggle with that - i dont want to be that hard nosed and yet it also gives me strength.

I sometimes think about what i would do if i found out again and i wonder if i secretly want to find out just to prove to myself that i could do it - if that makes sense.

Mrs Lemon - that is awful if you really do feel that miserable, there is always something you can do to take control of your life even if for the moment that is staying with him.
If you truely do want to leave then you should try and do something for that.

My h i feel would actually actively help me if i felt i could not continue with the marriage - he knows it is his fault i feel the way i do sometimes. He really does want me to be happy now.

Surely your h would rather you were happy too and so should be doing anything and everything he can to make amends for what he has done.
I also believe that he needs to talk to someone about what he has done to you - have you tried counselling at all?

Yes Im so much harder now and I dont like that but somehow it empowers me too. There would be no next time for me. I can,could and would live without him. He is lucky to have me and the kids. I didnt know about all of them until the last one told me, if Id known there would of been no going back.

Im not miserable but its been 16months of torture and I cant carry on feeling miserable. He's asking me now what Im typing and I feel so in control.

MrsLemon - so sad to hear of your experience and your current unhappiness You appear bright to me - lack of qualifications doessn't mean you're not bright. Plus it's never too late to study....
I agree with HW - don't give up. There are always other options. Don't stay with h if it's not what you want. I still struggle to trust my h after his affair. The incriminating email I found still plays on my mind over a year later, so it must have been hell for you to hear those horrible things from those horrible women

trust is such a difficult one to mend.

And i think there are degrees of trust and i have realised that i will never again put my trust into anything as much - i will however trust my instincts and not allow myslef to be made to feel paranoid again.

A friend who has been through this - and now has a new partner says that she does not trust him on the same level.

Maybe that is what we feel is missing that inoccence and complete trust.

I have also become more mistrustful of others in lots of other situations - it is not always good but it protects me too. I dont think i will get 'conned' either.

I can feel my self starting to trust him again and then getting scared that i'm being lied to. We are so happy atm, rebuilding things and having fun together, it seems like when we first got together but then i remember that he found it easy to lie to me before so why not now? He does reassure me and is adament he won't make the same mistake twice but my feeling of security and absolute trust in him is gone forever i think.

Trust is such a complex isuue and I know my h lied to me to my face! But I will always hold something back now, I will never give my-self completely to any-one apart from my children. I know I would never stand for it again, he knows that and he agrees. He has been so stupid, I love my h but I know I could go it alone and that is what makes me stronger.

Perhaps it is different for men, or just for me, but my reaction, apart from being upset and angry, and feeling rather inadequate, has been to think "what's missing, what have i done or not done" - and i'm trying to do something about that, with professional help - i'm not for a moment suggesting that this excuses anyones affair, but it has made me take a look at myself, and try to make myself something or someone better - i hope that can't be a bad thing.

Maybe i'm scrabbling for a silver lining, but i do honestly beleive that my wife won't do this to me again, but i also recgnise that it has completely changed our relationship, and i'm trying to salvage something from that.
Obviously, this is just my experience, i'm not trying to tell anyone to do the same, but i am saying "don't dismiss the idea".

I am, and always will be devestated by her affair, i find myself crying suddenly, uncontrollably, and i feel absolutely without merit or worth, so that's why i'm trying to do something instead of just running away. Ultimately i might be wrong, she ,ight leave, or i might leave, but hopefully i will be that much smarter about myself whatever happens. Even when i'm in floods of tears on the bus, i'm also thinking about our future, and we're both in it.

Is is still early days? Im 16 months on and have been in tears most of it, of course I felt as though it was my fault, that I wasnt good enough in bed, ugly etc. But after reading threads on here and other sites, books and counselling Ive learnt that the affair was a symptom of something not right.

My h life was a little out of control work wise and he couldnt take control of it. We lost each other for a while as well. The hurt and pin will fade over time, but its not over night. I dont cry as often now and I can at least see a future together. Keep posting here and we can all support each other. Im out for a few hours but will check back later.

One of the hardest things I find is the feeling of how it is so unfair. Today I passed a couple of parents at school holding hands and laughing (admittedly they are going on holiday of a lifetime tomorrow) and I just couldn't cope. Why do I have to deal with this? What did I do to deserve it?

abedelia - I know what you mean, it hurts to see other people and think that they don't have a care in the world when you are always going to carry so much pain around.

I am 9 months on and though my husband is doing well in making up to me, recently we went through a bit of a dry spell with sex. This is a problem because it makes me feel unattractive and to me we are less intimate because of it - he has never been very tactile (by dry spell I mean only once not two or three times a week, and even when he instigates it he isn't erm aroused (sorry if TMI) until we get into it a bit).

Anyway I fund out that when I take the kids out he has been looking at porn vids online. Not a problem - I know men look at porn and get off to it sometimes and that's okay with me. But I just think it is having an effect on us, in that he has no energy and desire left over for me because of this and it is making me miserable. Also, during the affair he would use the time when we were out to call the OW, but now he seems to have replaced her with looking at online stuff instead - or at least, that's how I see it.

i did instigate sex earlier in the week after we hadn't for a few days but he said he was tired though felt bad for letting me down and making me worried as he knows I am still fragile about it. I then made a joke about how he must have been looking at stuff online earlier (I'd taken kids swimming after school and he was working from home) - a few minutes later he started to instigate sex so obviously felt guilty. I'm not paranoid - could tell what he'd been up to as either he has been practising tantric dry ejaculation or... whatever. I'm not even sure if he knows he's doing something wrong, or if my crazy brain is making me see problems that aren't there but it makes me feel bad. AIBU?

Can I ask as been trying to get it round my head (my DH doesnt know I know) have found out that he is still in touch with OW, why do they keep in touch with each other especially when he is back home with me trying to make another go, why do that?

He must have and never have any contact with ow for you to move forward. Does he not want your trust? Confront him tonight, he obviously doesnt see the seriousness of the situation, he owes her nothing, your his wife.

katemumtwo - what is tantric dry ejaculation? sounds as though he's feeling a little inadequate in the sex department, not that Im an expert on sex.

Oh - I meant he had nothing left in him (or very little) iyswim, especially if he had suposedly not had sex for a few days.

Pinkpoodle, I do not think it is over if he is having contact with her. You need to talk to him and tell him its not on. Every book, counsellor etc will say this - contact means he hasn't given up on it, even if just in his head. Why would he be in touch with her otherwise.

Kate, sounds like he is getting some action elsewhere (as in online / solo), especially as you used to have sex very frequently and now he can't be bothered. But at least he cared enough to do something when you complained? Shoot me down if I am wrong (and would love male input) but can't internet porn get quite addictive? Maybe he just needs a nudge?

And pinkpoodle: what the hell does he think he is playing at? Get the evidence and wave it right under his nose. My H did this - she came back after a while to try and explain some of the bs she had fed him adn he got sucked in. At first his emails were businesslike, then after she pestered him about whether he'd ever loved her and why he was talking about it all as if it was past, he told her he loved her again... her H found it and forwarded it to me the day after I let him move home. Needless to say he was out again for another week after that. It is easily done - affairs are also addictive, especially as on one hand he has a very hurt wife demanding he make amends and on the other a woman telling him he's god's gift...

Adad, agree, i also thought it was something i had done and in a way it was, i had neglected him and made him think i wasn't interested, i rarely wanted sex and we hardly saw each other which gave him the perfect circumstances to start an affair, he was able to justify it to himself that i didn't care anyway. I did care though! had just got bogged down with real lfe and children etc, there was no time for him.

We now make an effort to tell each other how we feel about everything and are doing more together, trying to establish joint interests and it is working, i feel properly connected to him.

Pinkpoodle, you need to confront him about his contact with ow, it won't work otherwise they can't be friends! are you sure their relationship is really over? my h when we first started discussing trying again and i asked him if he was still in contact said no and although they weren't friends that he didn't consider her an enemey. To me she was the enemey trying to destroy our marriage! He gets that now i hope!

I also want my h to think she's the enemy and I think he does in a way. Just last night I said "what if you saw her in the street, if you even talk to then your out!" He said he wouldnt, I have to believe him or else you cant start over.

We do more now together than before and he is much more supportive with my interests. When I told someone today about his affairs (she didnt know) she asked "but what if he does it again" I told her that I cant contemplate that and if I felt he would put me through this hell and then do it again he can fuckoff! And I mean fuckrightoff! god I could be so angry and bitter.

Hi my exh had an affair and we split up nearly 5 years ago. We'd been together for over 8 years and married for just over 2 when I found out about the affair. He didn't want to try and save our relationship, he just wanted to be with the OW and he certainly wasn't sorry for what he'd done and the pain he'd caused to me and dc's (4yrs and 17 months at the time). I did try to convince him to stay and work things out for the sake of our DC's but I soon realised I was wasting my breath and that he'd already made up his mind.

He's since married the OW and I'm married again too. I love my (2nd)DH dearly and can't imagine life any other way but the affect that my exh's affair had on me still plays a part in my life today. For a start the OW is still our lives. My children see her every other weekend and once during the week, they like her, love her even. This tears my heart just thinking about it. To top it off the OW isn't a particularly nice person either (aside from the fact that she had no qualms about shagging another womans husband, luring a man away from his children). As far as I'm concerned she got what she wanted, I gave him to her, I didn't put up a fight. He said he wanted to be with her so I let him go, just like that. Never said a bad word to her (did I mention that she was a supposed friend?), just got on with things for the sake of DC's. Convinced myself that it was ok because if the kids got on with her that was all that mattered - their feelings not mine. OW still tries to twist the knife even now. Wants me to know that she makes a much better wife than I ever did, even tries to make out that she's a better mother. She may be a better wife but she'll never take away the fact that I'm their mother and DC's and I have bond that won't be broken especially by her no matter how hard she tries. OW's got ex right where she wants him, manipulates him, chooses his friends and dictates which members of his family he talks to and when but of course she's so clever he doesn't realise it, but then he made his bed he can certainly bloody lie in it!!

I think the worst effect it has had on me is the self doubt I have. I wasn't a good enough wife the first time round, why think I will be the second time? I want to trust my DH 100% but there is always that niggling doubt in my mind, so he has to put up with the endless questioning when he goes out for a drink with his mates or if he's 20 minutes late home from work. Dh has to continually reassure me that I am worthy of him, that he does love me and no he won't leave me, and bless him he does it cos he loves me even though I sometimes see the look of 'here we go again' on his face.

I feel bloody bitter toward my ex in the way that he and OW took away my right to my children. I didn't have them to then have to give them away once during the week and every other weekend. I don't get to take my DC's to school and pick them up everyday if I do so choose. OW does. She gets to spend 24/7 with their dd if she wants. I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Maybe she would be a little more polite and at least not try to make life one big battle where DH and I are on one side with her and ex on the other.

I feel sorry for DH because there's always that little something I hold back, like I can't give myself wholly to him for fear of being hurt again.

This is what happens when these selfish people have affairs. We might have all moved on from it and I've certainly let bygones be bygones but I'll never be rid of the effects of my exH having an affair.

Sorry if this is not the type of thing that is supposed to be posted here but believe me I feel for those of you going through it because believe me I wouldn't wish the pain and heartache on my worst enemy.

Mampam - I think you are very dignified, if my h had gone off with the ow I would not of been so gracious. Its not that you didnt put up a fight for him, you shouldnt needed to have done. Ive never once asked my h to stay. It sounds as though you have a lovely husband now and he wouldnt treat you badly because he knows what you've been through.

Your children are extremely lucky that they are growing up with a mum who doesnt show any anger towards the woman who ruined her life. For that I take my hat off to you, I would never be that kind, I know that for sure. I think you need to realise what a great person you are and what a loss you are to him. He's life doesnt sound rosy and he deserves exactly what he gets.

Pinkpoodle - I hate to say this but most men will try and have their cake and eat it if they think they can get away with it. Sounds to me like your H is trying to do just this because if he's truly trying to make a go of things with you then why would he want to be in contact with her??
You need to nip this in the bud now and find out if he's willing to stop all contact with her for the sake of your relationship. If he's not then that doesn't say much for what he thinks of your relationship.

Good Luck x

Mampam - you sound brilliant, thanks for posting. Your dcs will one day get the whole story - or piece it together - when they are old enough, and you will emerge with dignity. They will also probably see through their evil stepmother at some point also, as I am sure she will also try to control them. Good luck to her trying that with teenagers! Wish i had the money to hire a honeytrap for your ex and post her the pictures, smug madam.

abedelia - When my brother split up with his exW, she tried to turn their DC's against him, she said the most awful things to them about their father, some of them were possibly true but at the age they were, no child should have been told things like that. When my brother had a new girlfriend his ex would tell the children to say rude things to her. It was an absolutely disgusting way that she behaved and she put her children through such needless pain. I always vowed that if it ever happened to me that I would never put my children through that. I have always remembered that.

Believe me it was the hardest thing I've ever done- to find within me nice things to say about their father and never say a bad word about him to them. But I did it and all I can do is hope that in the future when they are old enough they will appreciate just how hard it has been for me to do that.

I am sure

cant understand why he would visit her, plus it was in her lunch hour....why do that 20 miles there for a coffee, surely he must have thought something as he was driving there.....and then 20 miles back.. what the bloody hell was he thinking...

I think the affair with ow must have meant more than he has ever left on

Before i can confront him I just need to get it sorted in my head.

Prior to this he has been perfect and really making a go of it and very open and honest so why now, I know that she rang him at work in October but he did tell her that he is very happy and that he was making a go of it with me, so whats changed 7 months later.

You poor thing, I can understand that your scared to confront him incase he tells you something you dont want to hear, but surely this is driving you mad. How can you hide your feelings, does he not ask you whats up?. If he is on contact with her then it must stop, and he must understand that. Bloody men!

leaseoflife, when you say you are separating but living togother, how does that work?

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my husband. I don't like the way he behaved and I don't like him anymore.

But I don't know that I want the children to grow up without a father in the house.