Support for us after their affairs

[debs05]

There have been many topics on here recently about affairs, whether to stay, chuck him out etc. I just thought what about when you start to come out the other side (together) and need support moving forward. Or just get it off your chest!

One thing I know is its not our fault,they are to blame with something missing in their lives and need something to make them feel good about themselves. Any one else up for a post affair chat?

I'm still around! We are still together, my life is so different now. Still have down days but not often, I live for now and try not to visit the past too much. I realise that I was very unhappy for a long time before finding out about the affair and just accepted my lot, I should of changed things. Now I put my own emotional well-being above my husbands and put myself first, I've realised that's not selfish as I'm the only person that can make me truly happy. I'm 42 today and feel at a very good place, I love my husband, he adores me and so he should!

Relationships are hard, my kids have witnessed that marriage takes hard work! I'm less tolerant of so called friends and try to surround myself with true friends who enlighten my life and have fun.

Deb - I am glad you are in amuch better place.

I too have found putting myself first has been a massive part of me starting to feel better about me and life again, despite my marriage being completely ruined. Looking back I think I lost myself somewhere long before he started having his affairs and wonder if that was part of the reason he played away, although I refuse to take full responsibility purely because it went on for so long with so many different people. He had time for guilt and remorse and to stop it but he never did until my discovery and even now I am not 100% sure he has been 100% faithful to this day. The difference now is I am indifferent to it and just cannot be bothered to waste my time and energy investigating the possibilities anymore. he has proved what a sneaky cheat he can be, if he is/has/was playing away again, then he is savvy enough to cover it up and I just dont want to wast anymore energy on it.

I want to leave but am trapped. We owe the tax credits people thousands because of a massive cock up going back to 2002/3. Its a long story but we have disputed its our fault and they dont agree and so here we are many years on at a stalemate. We dont get any tax credits as what we are supposed to get is getting taken off the stupid amount we so say owe them. Anyway, this basically means that I am screwed over. Until I get a "proper" job that pays a wage good enough to support myself on I am absolutely screwed. I have no option than to stay. I went to the CAB where we used to live to try and find a solution and there wasnt one. If I left DH and we split the supposed debt between us I would not get tax credits at all until the debt was paid back! The only good thing is the debt would be paid off faster! I have excepted my lot for now but live for the hope that one day (even if I have to wait for my DC to grow up) I will be able to leave.

Its not that bad! It could be worse. He is not a violent man or anything like that. Some days I actually really believe he is genuinely sorry (not that it will change what has gone from within me ) the next day I just look at him and think "you lied and cheated me for at least 4 years, I dont believe or trust you at all".

Like I say - I put myself first. I do what I want and have a good life really these days. I am hopefully back to college this September (as I have not found a job, may as well educate myself for my future) and investing in myself because I think I damn well desrve it.

Anyone else who was on this thread originally or who is currently working there way through the post affair trauma and hell, please feel free to post on here.