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Original poster

Women who have affairs

213 replies

adadwithnoname · 13/03/2009 16:35

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 13/03/2009 16:37

flattered by the attention? an escape from normality? enjoying the excitement? something missing in marriage?

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/03/2009 16:38

All of the above.

beanieb · 13/03/2009 16:39

Sorry to hear this.

you say 'I know she knows I know' but that implies that you haven't actually talked to her about it. Maybe she thinks that as long as you are keeping quiet she can just pretend it's still a secret.

I suppose I technically had an affair, more emotional than physical, but when it became physical I told my OH I was leaving and I did.

Mine happened because I was desperately unhappy but I think a lot of people have affairs because they can.

By not confronting her about this you are kind of allowing her to carry on. No one can possibly say why she is having the affair so really you do need to ask her!

BCNS · 13/03/2009 16:39

would agree with ruddy.

gut wrenching isn't it.

atterual · 13/03/2009 16:40

yep that about covers it! sorry that you are going through this tho. Its not going to be easy for you.

OrmIrian · 13/03/2009 16:42

I did. Very briefly. In truth there was nothing Dh could have done to stop me. It wasn't due to my marriage being wrong, it was just that marriage of itself is a bit tedious and humdrum. WHich is actually fine but it takes a while to accept that.

I do regret it although my DH doesn't know and never will.

Why? Because I was flattered, he was attractive, I wanted some excitement. None of those reasons are creditable but there we are. In my defence it was over almost before it began, I ended it and ended it thoroughly (even moving jobs to do so). I didn't have children and he wasn't married. But that's just a set of excuses.

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 13/03/2009 16:42

Sorry, I do not want to go in to too much detail, but we have talked about it. Please, it would really help if you can just let me listen, thanks.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 13/03/2009 16:43

BTW I am so sorry this is happening to you

HecatesTwopenceworth · 13/03/2009 16:43

What does she have to say about it then? I assume you are talking to her about it? Asking her to stop? Telling her what will happen if she doesn't stop? (leave??)

tbh, asking us these questions is something probably only helpful to a journalist or someone doing some sort of report or essay or something! We could give you a million answers and they'd all be totally different! What you need to do is to talk to your wife, about your situation and make decisions for you personally.

Have you tried relate? They are professional and it's confidential.

You say you don't know how long it will last - are you planning on sitting and waiting for it to finish? Don't you think you're worth more than that?

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/03/2009 16:43

Orm. Are you me?

OrmIrian · 13/03/2009 16:45

Don't think so! Unless I am simultaneously living 2 lives which sounds like much more than I can cope with atm

beanieb · 13/03/2009 16:49

to be fair I don't think the million and one different reasons women here might give for having an affair will be that helpful to you in understanding why your wife is having one. You really need to talk to her about it.

What are you hoping to get from the responses?

You say "Please, it would really help if you can just let me listen, thanks" but all you are going to really get is a stream of responses from people saying the same things that ruddynorah daid.

People (men and women) have affairs for every reason from boredom right through to love.

JaneSeymour · 13/03/2009 16:50

Ok well I haven't really had one, as I've not been married. But one time I dated a guy and kept going back to someone else. The other bloke was my on-off ex and I was still hung up on him.

I guess when you have a relationship, you#re recognising a part of yourself in that eprson. So if there is another part of you which you see in someone else, and it feels like it needs listening to, you might feel you have little choice but to explore that part with the other person.

It generally doesn't lead to a full time relationship ime.

I would think if she hasn't left you within about 9 months of starting it, she won't.

OrmIrian · 13/03/2009 16:50

I must admit it would be a good idea to ask your wife rather than us.

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 13/03/2009 16:53

I've asked, she doesn't know the answer. Look, you don't have to respond to my question if you think I am a journalist, or some sort of fraud, I'm really clutching at straws, I know that, but I would not be asking here if I had not tried all the obvious things.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 13/03/2009 16:55

she may well absolutely love and adore you..but this is something 'extra.' doesn't mean you did something wrong, just that this is something different and new and interesting.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 13/03/2009 16:57

Have you tried the obvious thing of taking a stand and saying "I will NOT be treated like this. Finish it or leave." Suppose she decides she really rather likes it like this and she's going to keep you both on. Are you going to say ok? YOU need to take some control back and make a decision.

MorrisZapp · 13/03/2009 16:58

I think it's often just the attraction of the forbidden or the unavailable.

I nearly got off with a guy who I know for fact is totally toxic and would be the world's worst boyfriend.

But just knowing how wrong and stupid it was almost made it seem more desirable, that and - of course - I was drunk.

If you're married or in LTR then you never get a drunken first snog again. Most of the time I'm glad to make that small compromise in order to reap the benefits of my lovely relationship, but sometimes you feel yourself drawn towards that uncrossable line.

ruddynorah · 13/03/2009 16:58

she may have no intention of leaving you at all, maybe she doesn't see it as an either or situation.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 13/03/2009 17:00

you know what, if this was a woman posting about her husband having an affair, quite openly, and the wife saying help me understand..how many posts would be saying "leave the bastard"? All of them. But because it's a woman having an affair and showing her husband NO love and respect, there's all sorts of reasons why she needs some love and understanding. Not fair. Not fair at all.

ruddynorah · 13/03/2009 17:02

i'm answering the OP's 'why' question. he isn't asking what he should do. we know little of the situation.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 13/03/2009 17:02

Women normally have affairs becasue they feel neglected/taken for granted. You need to talk to her and ask her. If you want to save your marriage then don't hurl accusations, shout, blame, etc.

Be prepared to listen even if you don't like/agree with what you hear. Suggest counselling, try to improve things in your marriage and move on.

JaneSeymour · 13/03/2009 17:03

Or is that your perception Hecate? I wasn't giving reasons why she should be forgiven. The man asked for reasons she might have done it. I was trying to give a few of those without giving my opinion on the morals of it.

beanieb · 13/03/2009 17:06

"I've asked, she doesn't know the answer. Look, you don't have to respond to my question if you think I am a journalist, or some sort of fraud, I'm really clutching at straws, I know that, but I would not be asking here if I had not tried all the obvious things. "

so what are you asking?

Are you asking if it 's likely that she will give up the affair and continue to live happily with you?

Depends on what kind of relationship she is having with the other man, what his other emotional and financial/romantic ties might be.

You may find that she is in love with the other man, that she makes a choice. Or that she gets dumped by him and stays with you because she has nowhere else to go.

Has she said if she still loves you?

TheCrackFox · 13/03/2009 17:06

I was thinking the same Hecate. One of my best friends had an affair (no I didn't approve but kept that to myself) and she said one of the most upsetting things was her DH didn't make a fuss about it. Guess it might have been an attention thing on her part.

Dadwithnoname, what would you like to happen? Maybe you have to make a stand, tell her what you want. Your marriage isn't all about her, you are important too.

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