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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Women who have affairs

213 replies

adadwithnoname · 13/03/2009 16:35

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/04/2009 08:14

You haven't done anything to deserve it.

What does she want?

To be blunt, it seems to me she wants someone to provide the home and some cash and a 'base', and to take the rubbish out and other duties while she gets her thrills from fucking about with other men.

It's a pretty good set-up she's got here, wouldn't you agree?

I realise you'll tell me it's not like that and you'll probably be angry with me for saying this, oh well, I can take it. I just wish you'd get angry with her, scrub that "welcome" off your back and stop letting her wipe her feet all over you.

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 21/04/2009 08:23

But she has the sanction, the power. "I'll leave then". That's not what I want, I think, I want to keep trying, to make it work, for our son as much as anything else. Right this second, if i got home to find she'd left, i'd be over the fucking moon, but reality would kick in pretty quickly.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 21/04/2009 09:38

Let her leave - you cannot make her stay and love you in the way you want. She seems to be having it all HER way and she knows you are a softie and dont want to kick her out.

But i bet that once she has said she will leave and you let her go it will not be long before she is back wondering what you are up to.

You dont have to be nasty - just say 'look this is not working between us and even though it is not what i want it is plain that we want different things' and then help her to leave on good terms.
It will break your heart - it is horrible to feel that the one person you want to be with can walk away so easily but from the sounds of it she will go anyway.
This way you will have the control and she can not acuse you being unreasonalbe (although she will still probably try and turn it to be your fault anyway).
Have you confided in anyone in real life? It really will help you and you will be surprised at the level of support you get.

You cannot continue with this relationship - give her the space and maybe she will come begging back to you (although she may not).

IME men think very little about leaving and so return fairly quickly whereas woman tend to have thought it through a lot more.

My h's ow left her husband and set up on her own - she believed that my h was the one and that they would be happy ever after. My h couldnt quite bring himself to leave for long. But i have heard that she later went back to him to give things another go.

Stop putting your energies into the marriage and start doing things for you now.

Good luck.

CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 09:52

Have you had relationship counselling?
It sounds to me like neither of you can communicate properly and there is a lot of crap that needs sorting if there is any chance of you staying together

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 21/04/2009 09:56

It's something I've suggested - well, pleaded with her to consider, but she refuses, point blank to try it.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 09:59

And her reasons are?

I think you have to give her an ultimatum
Come to relationship counselling or you go
and follow it thorough
(or she goes - that would be fairer)

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 21/04/2009 10:01

It's just not possible - we can't afford, emotionally or financially to live apart - we stay together for the sake of our sone. I hate it. I want her to stay for me.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 10:04

That is so untrue
She clearly doesn't "need" you in the way you want to be needed
And do you really need to be treated like this? Surely you don't.
Your son will not benefit from living with two unhappy parents
You need to cut loose from this screwed up woman and make a life for yourself. Don't you miss a normal sex life and a decent relationship? Can you not see that by staying with this woman who is quite frankly having her cake and eating it you are denying yourself that chance?

CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 10:06

(the not true comment is re emotionally, clearly I have no idea of your financial situation)

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 21/04/2009 10:06

Yes, of course I miss it. I also miss hugs, kisses, feeling loved, feeling as though anyone has any time for me at all, and I also miss not feeling like a miserable little sexless ugly bore.

But life isn't that simple. If I choose what I want, everyone else suffers.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 10:12

Not true

Your wife has detatched from you emotionally, so she won't suffer
Your son will be upset initially but in the long run it will be better for him to have two happy parents

(I speak from experience, my parents split up when I was 10, thank fuck. My father was a bit like your wife, my mother was unhappy but then found happiness with my stepfather, they were together for the rest of his life (25 years) and my mother said to me after he died, "I am so glad your father left me or I would never have known your stepfather and I would never have known what it was to be loved unconditionally")

You are being abused and taken for a ride
If you choose to do nothing about it then you will never be happy. This relationship is dead. Move on, be brave, get a new life. Yes it will be very painful and horrible in the short term. You have to screw up the courage to get through that. A bit like a root canal really. Go through the pain and you won't have to live with this daily angst.

wombleprincess · 21/04/2009 10:14

so if she stopped having affairs would everything go back to normal? could you live with her everyday for the rest of your life, knowing what has happened? could you forgive her?

Would your son pick up on the tension? would that be fair to him?

CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 10:17

You clearly have big self-esteem ishoos
Have you talked to your therapist about this?
I should imagine this is a big contributing factor to your inability to let go of this bad relationship.

wombleprincess · 21/04/2009 10:20

sorry, the affair aside.. have you told her that you "also miss hugs, kisses, feeling loved, feeling as though anyone has any time for me at all, and I also miss not feeling like a miserable little sexless ugly bore".

also didnt say this before, i am sorry for you, you are obviously very unhapy, big hug across the tinternet.

CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 10:22

Do you have any kind of support? Friends or family? If so you need to talk to them about this and get it out in the open, however shameful that might feel. Then it will be real and you can stop trying to shoulder this huge burden yourself.

I think if you try and get a life yourself it would help. Do you go out on your own? Do you have anything that you do just for you? Cultivate some new friends. Build your self esteem up a bit. If you can't split for financial reasons (and I think if you really tried you could, why not rent your house out and each rent a flat for eg?) then move into separate rooms and have separate lives. Assert yourself and your needs. It is not about her or even your son, but about you!

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 21/04/2009 12:08

If I have "esteem" issues, then they are new to me. I abhor arrogance, and yes, at the moment I don't feel especially great or positive, but in this particular quiet calm moment, I think I know why.

If she really did change, then yes, I'd be able to forgive her, but I am afraid I might be a bit suspicious for a while. I don't really have any "support" in the sense that I'm a man, we don't talk about this stuff to other men, they see it as black and white, and just don't beleive you. I told one friend, who basically said he was jealous because he felt it gave me a licence to go and sleep with anyone i wanted.

Thanks for the all round niceness and understanding folks. I come here to rant and rave when things hit me in the gut sometimes.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/04/2009 12:15

read this

here

and google for similar

I think it would be very surprising if you didn't have self-esteem issues given the situation you are in and what you say. I would talk to your counsellor about it.

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 21/04/2009 22:14

evening all.

I'm just posting because i have been biting my tounge all night - i haven't mentioned the texts, i can't of course, because i shouldn't have read them. There is a moral in that story somewhere.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 22/04/2009 07:20

believe me your son will never thank you for staying together for his sake - what a lot of pressure to put on a child.

I wish my parents had split - now my dad is my mums carer and there is no love at all - only resentment and it is horrible to watch.

I am sure at the time they thought they were doing the best for my and my db but actually all i see is 2 people who wasted their lives living together because they were too scared to find something different.

It would have been hard but watching them now is awful. Not what i want for myself at all. I will not stay in a relationship without real love and respect.

Your marriage seems to be lacking these at the moment, which is not to say you can not get them back but you will BOTH need to work hard on it, and a counsellor might be the right way.

Auntylulu · 22/04/2009 07:30

you had lots of really helful advice on the other thread you started ... to be blunt, there is nothing different anyone can say to you, that has not already been said.

you have choices and options to help yourself and make life better. although there will be hard times in the meantime, but you are hardly having a great time right now

you are choosing to remain in a loveless relationship with an unfaithful partner who could not be anymore obvious in her disdain for you and your feelings

you can also choose to leave

it tkaes 2 people to fix a relationship and she is clearly not interested

Tanee58 · 22/04/2009 13:52

As Auntylulu said - you have choices. I feel from what you say, that you aren't actually LOOKING for solutions - you just want to vent. People suggest you give her an ultimatum - no. You seek counselling for yourself - no. You leave - no. Well, if you do nothing, nothing will change. She has you where she wants you and it suits her fine.

You describe things in a very melodramatic way - breaking up will 'kill' her, your son, your family. No, it won't. Nobody dies of a breakup unless they are too depressed to deal with it. She has two other men on the go from what you say and you at home to pay the bills and keep the homefires burning. If you can carry on living under these circumstances in some sort of half life, giving your son a very poor image of marriage, fine. If you are not happy to do this, then DO something about it.

For what it's worth, my exh left when he realised I was not going to end my affair. He was quite right to do so, and it was the best thing for all concerned. Nobody died, and we all grew a bit - including our DD, who now has a greater understanding of how fragile, but how fascinating, relationships are. It was hard, and I would not have asked him to go, nor would I have left - but he had to do something for his own self-respect. Now, do something for yours.

Tanee58 · 22/04/2009 13:54

Sorry if I sound harsh, Adad, but so many people have offered you suggestions and you seem resistant to everything. Reading her texts shouldn't just be about turning the knife in your wound - it should give you the gumption to move on. Think about it.

lostinthecitylover · 22/04/2009 14:16

Tanee hijack - is your exbf you current dp

Just interested (have a rather protracted exbf story)

lostinthecitylover · 22/04/2009 14:16

your not you sorry

HappyWoman · 22/04/2009 16:13

listen to tanee - this is what your wife is doing. She may not be a horrible person either but the way she is treating you at the moment is not nice.

She may even respect you more for taking a stand.

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