Women who have affairs

[adadwithnoname]

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

this thread is kinda reminding me of the one earlier this week from LP whose husband is having an emotional affair - she also wanted to show her husband and it went very badly. I dont think it matters what you show her it has to come from you.

p.s the part about ops wife being a mnetter was mentioned in one of his earlier posts.

Actually I'm rather hoping she won't see it, but I don't think it would make a real difference if she did. It's far more complicated than that. She knows how I feel, and I know that is devestating for her. Don't judge her, all I want is to understand a bit more.

what is it that you want? do you want her at any cost? regardless of affairs?

you have choices too, you know

Yes, at any cost, except her wellbeing.

sorry, wellbeing and happiness.

what about your wellbeing and happiness. You matter as well. You really do.

Yes, of course I do. I want both. Is that so unreasonable?

I and anyone else on this forum has no right to judge anyone else flower so don't worry she won't be judged

You will get a mixture of responses and take from them what you will.

I take it you want to stay with her, you just want to be more understanding.
Well then i agree with lulumama
What about YOU... your needs and wants and what about your right to have a faithful partner and not one who puts you at risk of STI's, losing your children (potentially) ... losing your marriage?

What if she ends this one and begins another? Would that make you feel better? You deserve to be loved properly sweet, not a half love shared with someone else.

Love in a family can be shared between DP and children but shared out with DP, children and OW/OM is bound to cause problems eventually, jealousy, where she wants to spend special days and who with.. are you seriously going to be able to cope with all of that or are you just thinking in the here and now where you don't want to lose what is obv a much loved partner.

IMO you sound very understanding and caring.
Just make sure in all this you don't get left behind with all your emotional energy spent.

Op, why do you think she has had/is having an affair?
You sound so worried about your wife in this, you need to think about yourself.
You need to be a little more selfish and consider your needs as well.

my story it probably won't help but:

I found that H had been messing about, I wasn't sure of how far it had gone and I dropped the subject. As the months went by he got deeper and deeper into it, different women, some just a cyber thing , others and emotional thing, one who he shagged in my bed.
I was chatting with a friend who, I still say, saved my life. This male friend suggested we went away and I needed to get away from it. I needed to be held and told I was an attractive lovely person. I needed to hear those things. I needed just one night to be me.I needed to breathe.

I came home when H found who I had gone with and phoned me.

H was hurt and couldn't believe I had lied and gone through with it. He was in total shock.

We went to relate, I worked hard, H didn't want a divorce, I just wanted a reasonable family life.

He continued with his previous behaviour, I kept in touch with my friend who H had banned me from speaking to.
So I suppose I have had an emotional affair for a few years, I have tried to make things work yet I cannot change what H does or how it make me feel.

The rest of the story isn't relavant tbh.

but to answer the question, I needed to be me.

ok, so for whatever reason, she is choosing ot have an affairm surel yknowing you will be hurt, and you are concerned about her wellbeing?

do you think letting her do this will make her grateful? is it something she needs to get out of her system?

i am not quite understanding things here?

OK something else for the OP to think about. (ANd all the rest of you who have a tediously binary view of human relationships). Actaully, it's not at all surprising that monogamy doesn't work for most people. If you have more than one child, you love them all. No one individual can meet all your social, psychological, practical or physical needs.
And I speak from the perspective of someone who doesn't do monogamy (tried it in the past, the usual trying-to-pass-for-normal that everyone does, while knowing it didn't feel quite right, luckily managed to acknowledge it and stop engaging in monogamy or allowing others to attempt to engage in monogamy with me before there were any annoying complications of housing/DC).
I really cannot, actually, see why people get in such a state about this. If you have a shared home with someone and you are a co-parent then that's a different set of responsiblities that both partners have to face up to, but I have never been very bothered by partners of mine having sex with other people. About the only time it really upsets me is when fuckbuddies dump me for their other partners (who are always bunnyboiling monogamists and it always then goes horribly wrong...).

I agree that MOST women have affairs because they feel neglected and are seeking attention elsewhere but I also think that some women have attention seeking personalities and have a need that drives them to seek attention from any source - even if they are getting attention from their husband. my friend was liekt his - she just wanted someone to tell her how beautiful she was all the time - ridiculous really. i agree that it take some women time to accept 'hum drum' as ok. In fact 'hum drum ' is good!

Some people do it because they feel something missing in themselves due to a difficult childhood. They have a feeling of never being able to get enough (enough feeling of being loved, wanted, valued, someone being impressed by them rather than unnoticed). Even when they are happily married they are searching for more. It can take a while to realise they will never find what they are looking for and that what they have at home is really good and they need to appreciate it

She could be bored by her role as wife and mother.
She could be in love with him and planning to leave.
She could be selfish and a bit trampy.
She could be in awe of him and keen to please.
She could be punishing you for some wrong she believes she's suffered.

I think the really important thing to think about is what do you want to happen? Or more precisely, what can you deal with? What are you prepared to tolerate?

I hope it works out for you.

I think you might already understand why this is happening, no? Perhaps you can agree to go for some therapy together if she stays away, and talk properly and find a way forward.

i,m not sure what the cirumanstances are, but knowing the way i feel at the moment as a marrired person with three children and fancy someone else - something is missing, sexual feelings are missing excitement is missing! that is what leads someone one to find excitement !

I agree with the general thread - it's because something is missing at home.

That something might be something she has a right to expect in her marriage - respect, consideration, love, partnership, support, whatever (she still shouldn't have an affair though)

Or it might be something she should have left behind at the church door and really doesn't have a right to expect any more - excitement, a new body, escape from stress or boredom at home.

She may find it very hard to tell you what is missing, because she does not want to hurt you. I know that sounds silly, but if you want to hear her point of view then make it safe for her to talk to you - try to listen without being angry, or upset, or arguing. You shouldn't have to do this but you may feel it is worth the effort.

Good luck

i've never cheated on my husband , but this feeling i have right now, want,s to be elsewhere. secondly my husband has been talking about going to these swinginging , parties which i cannot imagine myself at!

Who knows what her reason really is?? People justify all kinds of behavior. My soon to be ex H is a serial adulterer and guess what? It is all down to my inadequacies??!! A few months down the line I understand that this is all cowardly bollocks and I am so much better off and happier just standing on my own two feet and not being worn down by him. Maybe you will be too but you need to find the strength to confront the situation otherwise you will die a thousand deaths every single day for the next 10 years...Everytime the phone rings.... Every time she gets a text...Wishing you a safe journey from someone who has been there

OP i don't know if THIS thread will help you in any way

This is quite interesting. The very next time there is a thread in relationships from a woman who has a husband who is having an affair quite openly and she wants to know why, I shall post that he's obviously unhappy at home and needs to be his own person and feels neglected because there's something missing in the relationship and he wants the attention and she should sit down and try to understand his feelings.

amen to that hecate

Quite, hecate.