Women who have affairs

[adadwithnoname]

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

Prettyfly1: The thing is, we don't really know what the background is. And (again) if a woman had posted like this I would have said pretty much the same because sometimes a cheated-on partner has been a wet fish for a long time and encouraging him/her to carry on seeing him/herself as a poor ickle victim isn't necessarily the best thing to do.

adad, it's not your fault. It's really not. I worry that you are going to feel so very low reading this, and take it all onto your shoulders. I wish there was someone you could talk to in rl, is there no way you could see gp or something.

You don't deserve this, and you don't seem weak to me. You are putting up with a lot of pain to try to save something that matters a great deal to you. I think that's strong, not weak.

read this book

NOT 'Just friends'by ? Glass...it is very insightful and sensitive...like someone very knowledgable holding your hand and walking you through the mess

When you say "am seeking counselling, but so far the advice given has just been "leave her", which for me isn't an option" you mean the Counsellor has told you to leave her?

I think he or she is right, you should. Presumably you are seeking counselling on your own to deal with the way you feel. The counsellor is correct to tell you to leave as this is the only way you will be happy, from what you have written.

hecate, this poor bloke has already taken everything onto his own shoulders

some people on this thread are trying to make him see that this is not helpul and will push his wife further away as any respect she ever had for him will disappear

I don't think he could get much lower tbh, he has been backed into a corner, not by the comments here, but by his wifes vile and selfish behaviour

I see that AF, but some of the things he is being called, well, they are so hurtful and if he is depressed, like he seems, being told he's not a man, he's weak, lilly livered, a wet fish, a puppy dog, a wet lettuce, pitiful, and advised to "toughen up" and "grow a pair", (to pick just a few at random!) well, what's to say that won't just make him feel worse? I'd be down the end of the frigging pier by now.

adad , tell your wife to get herself down to the local gum clinic, to make sure the twat hasnt picked up something nasty/itchy..... go for a check up too. hope your ok today!

There's no risk of that, and hasn't been for a very long time. That hurts, actually.

For those of you who think I am weak, and spineless, maybe you are right. Maybe I have always been like that, or maybe the woman I love rejecting me for someone else has done that to me, or maybe, even, i'm trying to think of what is best for my family, and the woman I still love.

I don't want her back out of her loyalty, or sympathy, or guilt, I want her to choose me. If i throw ultimatums and threats all over the place, how can she do that?

I do feel that there are double standards around the attitude towards this situation. This is a predominantly female board, so I'd expect a womans point of view, that's what I wanted, but I have to say the overtly critical comments about what a wet, or weak, or simply dull little man I must be are easy to dismiss, partly out of self preservation.

In a way all I want now is for her to make a decision, rather than making me wait. I just want to bloody know.

This was going to be such an ordered coherent post when I started it - I wonder what happened?

There have been times when I could have had affairs, when I wanted a bit of love, and attention, and to not just be a Dad for a while, but I chose not to, I chose my family. Does that make me wet?

no it doesnt make you wet, the fact you've ben offered affairs and refused them, tells that you are a much stronger man than you have been credited with.you are obviously loyal and a good family man.... many many women would view that as sexy, strong man who knows what he wants....if you wife doesnt see it then she's a fool! but i still dont see why you have to wait around for her to make her decision, i know you dont want to lose her , but if she's gona go is it not better that its quicker? ths is just dragging it out for you and causing you more pain..sit her down and talk to her and say you need this sorted now!.hope you have a good day today!

No, it doesn't make you wet. You sound like a great man that many people on these boards would be lucky to have. What you need is to realise this... You do sound a bit more chipper today, by the way - which is good. You have just been through a lot and it makes you feel very, very defeated - and I really know as I have been in something very near your position.

I'm glad you are now seeing that she does at least owe you a decision. You don't need to issue her an ultimatum - just sit her down and tell her what you think and feel in a strong, matter of fact way. Namely: 'Look x, I love you and I am prepared to give it a go with us again, despite all the stuff that has happened. However, i am not prepared to share you and I cannot go on living in limbo. It's not good for our son to see us all upset and with you living between two men. And if you do come back we need to work on our sex life and also x and x so we have a relationship that works for us both.' Then leave it at that. She knows where you stand and then she knows what is expected of her if she returns.

You seem to want to shield her from making a decision about who she is with, but she is a grown woman and owes this to you. And you bloody deserve it. When my H was having 'time out' unravelling feelings for his OW and what having a fling with her meant for us (ie how could he love me enough to spend his life with me if he could also have developed such 'feelings' or someone else), until I spelled it out I don't think he genuinely thought I would ever take him back and that it was an option.

Five months on and any mention of the OW makes him feel ill because he is so horrified that he could have nearly destroyed everything for someone that rubbish. (oh - and her H was on the phone to me a few days ago saying he suspected she was running about with someone and could it be my H again? Thankfully impossible, so she's seemingly found her next victim and H wasn't the 'love of her life she'd never forget' after all.) Point is, that sort of person is never worth it, and your wife will see this eventually, she just needs a helping hand.

Saying that "you need to toughen up" is NOT the same as saying you are weak or spineless.

I don't think you are "hearing" what people are saying, probably because you don't want to act on it and rock the boat.

Bottom line is that if you want her back, (though, I've got to tell you, for the life of me I can't imagine why, she sounds awful. Still, the heart wants what the heart wants), you are going to have to be a lot more proactive and not so reactive/passive.

She's got no reason to change her behaviour at the moment. It's all good for her, she's getting away with it.

And to be fair, I think the same advice would be given to a woman posting about a similar situation. Take control and take back some power. It will be make you feel better in the long run.

I agree with abedelia's advise.

I don't think people are suggesting you turn into some macho, unfaithful type - we're saying have more respect for yourself and then your wife may start to respect you too.

Allowing her to treat you this way is bad for your self respect and self esteem. That is why people have suggested calmly talking to her - but staying strong and firm.

I think the advise would be the same for either sex in this situation. Don't allow yourself to be treated like this - you are worth more than that.

TBH i think the suicide threats are probably only threats and you cannot let yourself be manipulated like that. It is totally out of order for her to blackmail you like that.

Thanks, everybody. I'm not ungrateful for the advice, even the unpalatable advice, but whenever I try to say "this is it, this is how I feel" it just ends up in a row, and nothing gets decided, questions don't get answered. I appear to be utterly without any power, or leverage, which rather makes me think that she has made her decision.

If when I got home tonight she was gone I'd be devestated, but at least I wouldn't be waiting anymore.

Whatever happens, I know I'm not going to be stupid enough to fall in love with anyone agaion.

Well you know that's rubbish for a start... Don't let her argue with you - becoming defensive is what guilty people always do to try and deflect attention from their bad behaviour.

You do have power, the power to say 'enough is enough, I'm not putting up with this anymore'. She may move out for a bit and then come back, she may not. But if you keep on allowing her to have her cake and eat it she will fall deeper in love with this berk she is carrying on with (he sounds a right catch - not!) and you will lose respect for her also. It needs to be knocked on the head now - it is also damaging your son seeing his family behave like this. even if he is only tiny the emotional turmoil will affect him.

Adad, I appreciate that you love your wife and don't want to put any kind of pressure on her - but the thing is, whatever your relationship was like before she took up with the other man, you are now taking a totally passive role and just waiting around for her and it really isn't good for you. Someone else reposted some advice I gave a woman in a similar situation, and I'm going to suggest it again: the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to start acting as though your relationship with her is over, start concentrating on things (not love-related) that make you feel good, confident and happy, start moving on with your life and socialising. Because a person who is calm and happy and in control is soooo much more appealing a prospect than someone who is sitting about sobbing, or endlessly pleading, 'choose me, come back to me.'
She knows you are unhappy. SHe is just not, at present, prepared to do what you want, and you can't do anything about her behaviour so you need to change your own, for your sake.

Well put solid - for once in this, selfishness is the right way to go!

here, here solid - for once I totally agree with you. OP its not your fault but it is your problem and you have got to sort out how to deal with it without killing yourself. For what its worth, it is very unlikely your little one hasnt picked up on how unhappy you are. The only person you owe anything too is your child. Do what is best for your child - not what you want to be best, because it gives you a good excuse to not leave - but what is best, which is a happy, confident loving dad, who is independent and a mother who is free to conduct herself however she wants. You dont have to carry on living like this and in many ways I wish I knew you because although my heart goes out to you, I also want to shake you. Your wife is lucky to have a good man. Its her loss if she loses that and not yours.

If I'm honest I think it is over. Her feelimgs for me are different to my feelings for her. I don't beleive that she will fall in love with me again, and I'm beginning to feel angry with her for what she has done, or is doing to me. Those feelings are the worst I've endured so far.

adadwithnoname ,i wouldnt get angry... look at it this way , if she doesnt love you anymore she has given you the chance to embrace a new freedom where you can enjoy all the benefits of singledom..... am i right in guessing you've been with your wife for a long time?. one of the benifits of single dadhood is there are masses of single women out there who dream of meeting a kind,sensitive man who wont treat them like dirt and break their hearts....your ticking all the right boxes!

adad i havent had chance to read through the whole thread so i apologize in advance if already been said

from what i can see if a man has an affair then there all the names under the sun etc if a woman has an affair its because its the mans fault lacking in something to keep the woman

it sounds like the relationship hasn't been going anywhere for a while but does not excuse either partner looking else where if committed to a relationship

it sounds like you've given your all and your self confidence and self worth are at an all time low which stops you reacting in a way expected such as addressing the situation putting a stop to it etc you have chosen to turn a blind eye as its easier you get to keep her

you need to work on yourself dont blame yourself build yourself back up and to start with address this situation tell her if she cant commit then to leave so it gives you a chance to build your self confidence up people only do to you what you let them and it all has to start within yourself to change things

i had relationship like this and took along time eventually i woke up and realized i deserved better it was hard but was also a relief when it twas over and i was much happier

you have the things needed to build a,long lasting relationship i just think not with someone who has no respect for you but you will be happy again

if its over then leave as your child will pick up on all the negative feelings and you will sink lower its your time now you have done what you can do its time now to build yourself back up so you too can be happy and your child can have happy parents whether together or apart it really doesn't affect a child so bad to have happy parents apart its worse to have unhappy parents together

you owe it to yourself and your dc good luck you sound like a descent person and deserve better stop turning blind eye and now do this for yourself love as about respect and its not there i hope you can be happy real soon don't let anyone treat you in way that's not acceptable

its not ok for anyone to cheat and its not the other persons fault there's other ways with dealing with things than jumping into bed with someone else

I am very sorry, ADad. it sounds like you are coming to some sort of conclusion

tbh, I would embrace the anger, she has treated you badly and been cowardly and unfair

anger can be a positive emotion eg. it can spur you into taking action in your own interests

Another row this morning, me pleading for us to live apart, no matter how impractical, because I'm beginning to hate her. It's not just a simple affair, I wish it were that simple. It's someone who sahe says "I love you" to, and for me that's anough for me to think that she doesn't want us to work. Our relationship hasn't been perfect, far from it, but I thought that we were trying at least to make it work.

She tells me there have been problems between us for years, as if I did not know that, but I thought they were about how difficult life can be, money, family, support, our own weaknesses and fears, and they were things that we could face together.

She says that she loves me, and wants to be in love with me again, but why can't she stop saying "I love you" to another man?

I don't want to feel angry, and I don't want to hate her, but that's how I do feel some of the time.

I'm not looking for a response, sorry, I just need to get it down in words.

Don't plead to live apart - tell her, then do it. Even in you just move into a friend's house or a travelodge for a bit. She needs to be shown that actions have consequences and this can't go on. Either she chooses you and makes the effort or that's that - you are free to find someone who respects you.

As for having problems in your relationship - she could have talked to you and sorted this out on numerous occasions but instead decided that the healing power of another man's whatsit was a better choice. She is making excuses and trying to shift the blame to you - that's what guilty people do. Really, she should look in the mirror. And don't feel bad for hating her - I would if I were in your position.

adadwithnoname im hoping you have a better day today!...make plans to dosomething nice for yourself.... even if its just to go to pub with your mates to watch footie, and don ask her ,tell her.you need to be kind to yourself today..... i you can afford it i suggest booking a lads holiday an getting away from it all for a bit.you need to be selfish for a change!

Why are you having to plead with her for you to live apart? Does she want you in the house doing all the childcare so she can see the other man?
I would advise you to consult a solicitor BTW and be sure of your legal position so that if she starts to threaten (as unfaithful partners of either gender often do) that she will cut off your access to the children if you end the relatinship, you will know your legal position.