Women who have affairs

[adadwithnoname]

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

I'm not a regular, no, don't worry, you don't know me. My wife does, but she won't see this thread. I'm not proud of it, but there are ways of preventing things from appearing if you know your way around the internet.

I can't take the risk. If I left, and she did hurt herself I could never look our son in the eye, and perhaps more to the point I love her. Sharing her is awful, vile, and makes me want to be sick. I can't eat, sometimes I can barely function, but the alternative is worse.

I'm sorry I asked now, I suppose I was hoping for some sort of magic solution, and I think I knew that there isn't one, that I have lost a big part of her.

I'm just going to get on with what there is left. She wouldn't come to counselling - maybe if I put my foot down she would not leave, but she certainly would not come back. I wish I knew how I had let her down.

I certainly don't want to hide in some other relationship, "to show her what she is missing" - how would that be for the fourth person in the relationship? "I love you, but I love someone else more, and she will one day perhaps ask for me back".

I'm so sorry everyone, I feel like I've wasted your time.

You have not wasted anyone's time.
Have I got this right?
Your wife has fallen for another man , but does not want to break up your family, and wants to continue a sexual relationship with the other man?
could this work for you even in the short term? She may well get sick of the other man.

If you cannot live with that arrangement ( which would be understandable) and you forced her to choose you or him, what do you tthink she would do?

Is he a "bad" man - ie is that why you think it would end so badly if she went with him?

Only you can decide how much you are prepared to take, but accepting this arrangement - sharing your partner - that's a hard task to set yourself.

Go to counselling on your own. I think you need to work out why you are prepared to settle for so little. You sound as though you think your wife needs saving. Do you often have to rescue her?

You're not wasting anyone's time. Read back over the responses to your thread. Try and see what you have to gain, rather than what you think you would lose.

the Op has not confirmed if the other person in the triangle is a man or a woman

or did I miss that?

Adad: I actually recommend that you read this book about open relationships to give yourself a different perspective on your situation. Your wife ought to read it as well, because it is a book about living without monogamy but doing so ethically. Right now she is just telling you that she is going to do what she wants: your feelings matter just as much as hers, and if it is at all feasible for you and her to live in a relationship that allows you both to have other partners then she needs to be a lot more considerate of your feelings. Open relationships are not a license to be completely selfish.
Because it looks like the option you really want (her to end the affair and commit to you) simply isn't available, so now you have a choice between working on an open relationship or (and no one would condemn you for doing this) telling her that you cannot consider yourself her partner any more, that you will be as civil as possible and as fair as possible regarding the separation, but that the marriage is over.

That's pretty much it mrsblanc. Obviously i'm a bit biased, but yes, i think that he is a bad person. I'm not suggesting that she is blameless, but she is a bit vulnerable at the moment, and he's also in a relationship. As far as he concerned it is just "fun". He apparently doesn't want to break up the happy family, but being in a beliggerent mood right now I have a simple response to that.

I think it would end badly as he isn't very kind to her, and certainly has no intention of supporting her or actually loving her.

Th eonly thing i can see to do is to get on with our lives, and yes, I will hope that she comes back, but I don't honestly think that she will. I think that this relationship with him will end, but it won't change our relationship, because I am not what or who she wants sexually. I think sex is an enormous part of this, actually.

With that in mind I suppose that the "is it a man or a woman" question is relevant, so to clarify, it's a man, and probably a sexier and more exciting man than I ever was or will be, though not for want of trying.

I am seeking conselling, but so far the advice given has just been "leave her", which for me isn't an option.

I think a lot of posters haven't just said 'leave her' - people have tried to tell you to be stronger and more assertive. Tell her what you want.

Her threatening to hurt herself if you split is just selfish and cruel - she is blackmailing you! outrangeous.

just allowing her to treat you like that is what is unsexy about your relationship! If a man turns blind eye to an affair it's not 'sexy' - you are being like a dad or brother.

She might find you more sexually attractive if you were stronger (even if it is a front). I think that is your best hope. At the moment your behavior is really weak - that is not going to make her fancy you it's going to allow her to walk all over you.....

the longer you stay in this situation the less she will respect you. sorry if that sounds harsh.

outrageous even!

Adad: are you for some reason unwilling or unable to have sex with her? I appreciate that's a nosy question (and you are free to ignore it) but if you have no libido or are in some way physically disabled to the extent that you can't have sex then her behaviour becomes a bit more understandable.
Or did the two of you marry despite there being some kind of sexual issue (did you maybe 'rescue' her from a bad situation and hope she would 'learn to love you' or something). Unfortunately, if people marry or move in together when one partner feels no sexual desire for the other but respects the other's kindness/parenting skills/financial stability then disasters like this are the usual outcome.

this is going to sound very harsh, but tbh, from what you have told us you sound like such a wet lettuce I would kick you into touch and go off with someone with a bit more fire in his belly

if he is in a relationship too - does his partner know what is going on? I was going to suggest is there a way of getting his partner to know too.

He may well be in it for a bit of fun - but it is not fun for all involved and i bet he doesnt really know what you are going through.

You dont have to leave her but you do need to know just how much you are prepared to tolerate and let her know that.

If she then chooses to leave because you have said you cannot handle it then it is up to her and you are not responsible for her actions.

I also suspect she is doing what a lot of men seem to do in these situations which is to 'force' you into ending it so she can play victim - she is being selfish and doesnt want to have to live with her decisions.

Really feel for you and hope you find some peace soon.

SGB - no, it's not like that at all. I'm pretty, well, normal, but when the woman you love says that she can't, and won't, you don't force the issue, I don't have some sort of Droit de Seigneur - I have to admit finding out that she does, on the other hand, feel perfectly happy to sleep with a relative stranger is a bit hurtful, and the obvious solution is that I must be pretty crappy as a love.

Anyfucker, maybe you're right, maybe not trying to force myself on my wife, maybe breaking up the family home, maybe letting her kill herself, directly or slowly is the manly thing to do, thanks for that, I'll sleep on it, and if i decide to get all full of testosterone I'm sure everything will be wonderful.

Happy WOman - i'm not prepared to tolerate any of it, but it's a question of consequences. I'm not going to break his wifes heart. Maybe it's right that she knows, but I'm not going to tell her.

You know, you put someone on a pedestal, they shit on you from it.

Adad: so did her not wanting to have sex with you happen before she started the affair, or only since it began?
WRT to the rest of your last post: well, no. You can't force her to remain sexually faithful to you when she clearly doesn't want to. Your only options are to put up with the affair, or end your marriage. Waiting for her to decide that she loves you and the other man is a mistake is not going to do you any good because she's NOT GOING TO DO THAT.

Dadwithnoname - you actually sound very depressed and I think you need help with this. Go to the doctor, you are very unmotivated and fatalistic and YOU will be the one ending up killing yourself at this rate. You really have to learn to help yourself rather than sit back and take this as something she has decided and that you can do nothing about. You are not a punchbag...

Tell his wife - doesn't she deserve to know she is living a lie? I bet most women on here would rather this was the case and would be doubly humiliated to discover their OH was cheating AND that someone else had known for ages but said nowt.

Please, just DO SOMETHING rather than wait in sad old hope. Get angry, even mildly annoyed. Just don't keep on thinking woe is me...

I agree with abedelia, you do sound depressed. If you're already going for counselling, then maybe a trip to the GP as well would be in order.

You can't just sit around, waiting, it's bad for your mental health, for your self respect.

The facts are that she is sleeping with someone, and rubbing your nose in it. It's breathtakingly selfish. You might love her, but TBH she sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Adad, she is causing all those things you described in your last post, not you, unless you are such a shit husband you have driven her to it

if the family breaks up, if she kills herself (emotional blackmail at its evillest, non), then it is down to her

is that what you really think?

please grow a pair find a way to work on your self-esteem and gain some control back. Abedelia put it very well

this is exactly the same advice I would be giving to a woman whose partner was treating her like shit

Dad, some time ago a woman on mumsnet was going through something similar and someone gave some advice I thought was so good I saved it for future reference. I have reproduced it below without altering it (obviously it was intended for a woman) but the sentiments are the same. I do not know who wrote it first , but it made a big impression :

This is a miserable situation for you and I do sympathise. But what you need to do is concentrate on yourself, and on doing things that boost your self-esteem and make you feel good. You cannot make someone stay in a relationship with you, or remain monogamous, unless that person wants to remain in a monogamous relationship with you. And it's also sad but true that if you are saying to your partner 'please love me, please choose me, please stay with me' it is a bit off-putting: if you are cheerfully getting on with life, being friendly and civil to him but not spending any time worrying about what he thinks or is going to do, then not only do you actually become more appealing to him but (and this is the important bit) by acting as though you have a worthwhile life and more important things to think about than what he is going to do with his dick, the more you do it, the more you will believe it and the better you will feel.

sounds like sgb...

I think it was me ANd I do stand by that advice, adad.

"Anyfucker,( ...) maybe breaking up the family home, maybe letting her kill herself, directly or slowly is the manly thing to do, " It is SHE doing all this, not YOU. You dont have to stand for her shitting on not just you, but your family.

I agree you have to assert yourself, and I agree with SGBs advice below that you are very unappealing when you turn yourself into a victim, there is nothing sexy about a weak man. Sadly when it comes to the sexual force (not the verb, the noun) women mostly like strong men, not limp biscuits with pleading puppy eyes. Turn yourself from puppy to wolf! Let her see the strong you. Get on with your life.

Accept that the relationship, if not over, at least is changed. Tell her you wont put up with sharing her with other men, tell her you are prepared to divorce her on adulterous grounds, tell her you will see a lawyer (and do). Whether she choses to kill herself over it, is her business, but you wont let her blackmail you.

In my experience, (and believe me, both myself and friends have experienced men threatening to kill themselves when faced with a breakup it is quite common) the person who comes out with the "I am gonna kill myself if you break up with me" isnt actually planning to kill her/himself, but only looking for another way to exercise control and get his/her cake stall to eat. It is the last straw. That, and "oh my mum is dying, you cant leave me now" which is another one....

You may not go through with it, but let her THINK it, for now.

Grow balls.

The look, the body, it matters less than the sexual force in the man, as perceived by a woman.

And to share a little personal trivia. When I look at my husband and start pondering bed time action, it is not his face, not his body that set me off, it is the potential it is the masculine and sexual force that inhibits him, that I want... So it does not matter so much how good lover you are, what you look like, whether your body is well toned or not (female sexuality is a little different from the male ] ) it is your masculinity, your sexual force, your strenght.... (not talking physical strenght)

So, take charge.

QS I might just cut and save your last paragraph for future reference! Very well put

agree with " grow a pair" , tell her she is behaving badly, and if she wants to continue she will lose you and the life you have together, that you will not put up wih it anymore and that you are second best to no one and she is a fool if she doesnt realise it. ask her if her OM will provide her with all the things you do, like security of marriage,ask her why he hasnt left his own wife already if he's so into her? and would she want to be with someone who has proven how little he can be trusted, the very nature of affairs is that they are built on decieveing the wife/husband and the OW/OM. ask her if she thinks he is worth destroying her own life for- because she will not destroy yours. she might cause you to be on a different path ,but mostly it ends up better in the end.your wife is a very foolish,selfish person and you deserve better.

I have to say, reading this again, I do wonder if the OP has been this passive and pitiful all the way through the marriage? Because that would make the wife's behaviour somewhat understandable, as well. (and, again, this would apply irrespective of gender, to a mentally healthy individual, living with someone who basically expects to be taken care of all the time and have every single decision made for him/her and who never asserts him/herself at all is actually maddening. No one who is secure in themselves wants a snivelling wimp as a life partner - even those people who have a bit of a BDSM dynamic can;t sustain a healthy relationship when one partner is so lacking in self-assertion.)

switch this thread round.

"My partner makes me feel unnattractive and unloveable - he is sleeping with someone else but tells me he will kill himself if I leave, I just feel so worthless and afraid of the consequences I dont know what to do"?

Would any of us (perhaps excluding sgb) say - yip your right. Totally unnattractive and I think you may even have bought it on yourself, now suck it up woman, get a life. NO WE WOULDNT. I dont think he is un macho and unsexy. I think he has been mentally abused and emotionally abused by a master manipulator and the same kindness but honesty should be afforded to him as is to the women we support in this position.

OP it is still true though that you need to sort yourself out and get up. What message is it sending to your son about how relationships should be handled.

If your wife did kill herself (which i very much doubt) in ten years time when you explain it you will say, she was having an affair. I loved her but couldnt accept it so asked her to choose. She wouldnt so for your sake I left. She killed herself. Your son will then say " what a selfish, thoughtless bitch my mother was". Which is very sad as noone should think that of their mother but also clearly not your fault.

Your whole codependent she needs me thing is shit. No she doesnt. You need her so that you can continue to feel like someone needs you. You need to stay in councelling and look at your own feeling of self worth.

I really hope you find a way through it.

sgb that wasnt a critiscm btw - just know that you are somewhat more blunt then many of us at times. Not too say wrong, just honest