Women who have affairs

[adadwithnoname]

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

a travelodge?

Well Alan Partridge

good advice from solidgold.

Hi

she tells me it is over - they spent a weekend together, and he said or did something, i don't know what, but they are still friends, apparently. We've said that we will try again, but in all honesty i can't bear the idea of her touching me ever again, not that we've been intimate for the last 11 years, so there is no danger there.

If anyone knows how to not feel all sorts of terrible things when you know you'll mever really be lovers, or in love again would be much appreciated. She feels that the way we are is "normal" and what most people feel, but it isn't how i feel.

so she is now telling how you should feel??

That is not normal at all - she is still wanting to be in control.

Now that she says it is over does she want to work on your relationship? As it sounds as if there could be more in the futre imo.

Do think more about your needs now.

A Dad, first of all well done for retaining your sense of humour through what must be your darkest days - loved the Alan Partridge remark!

The simple answer to your question is that you cannot. It's got nothing to do with what's 'normal' in a marriage and everything to do with what you both want from this relationship. It sounds as though you want a sexual relationship in marriage and she does not. But she clearly doesn't see her sex life as over and so unless she continues to go outside of the marriage, that sex has got to be with you. You don't say why there has been an 11 year drought, but I suspect you'll both need some outside help to deal with this, along with a whole host of other issues.

In my view, being friends with the OM is not an option.

I would encourage you both to have counselling, together and/or separately. In the meantime, you might find it helpful to ask eachother to write down what you each want from this marriage. Read each other's lists and then take in in turn to discuss those wants and needs. Try hard to focus on the roles of husband and wife and not as parents; this is about your own romantic relationship.

I genuinely think your wife has behaved appallingly and it frustrates me that she is still calling the shots. I would love you to have the strength to say you don't know if you want her now, but only you know your limits and if it's not how you actually feel, she'll see straight through it.

Good luck - you don't deserve this and she doesn't deserve you.

An ongoing relationship with no sex and with her cosying up to this bloke (I bet he told her he'd never leave his wife and she's hopping mad...) Not a very good deal and you should not have to put up with it.

Get thee to the Travelodge (you can practice your tiger impressions).... seriously, it's time you told her what YOU want, because what she is offering is rubbish.

Oh, I feel so for you. Do you even want to 'try again' knowing that you don't want her to touch you and that it is unlikely there will be any intimacy in your marriage? I ask because we had a drought, but not for the same reasons as you, and now, after both deciding that we did want to re-ignite that side of our relationship, things couldn't be better. It is not just the act of sex, it is all the other things that seem to work so much better when the intimate side is working well. The general communication between us, the small displays of genuine love that don't happen otherwise, the fact that because we are so much happier together, we want to be together more, finding reasons to do things together rather than each doing our own thing. it's the way his eyes twinkle at me when I walk in the room and the fact that I can't help but smile at him when he walks in the room. as I say, it just all seems to happen more naturally and more often now that our physical stuff has been sorted. And we never stopped being physical for reasons of not loving each other or one of us having an affair. For you I think it must be worse because you are always wondering if she is doing it to you again. She really has treated you abominably and you do deserve so much mmore than you are getting. Do you really think you can live your life feeling like you do at the moment? Do you think you can forever forego the physical relationship or would you like the opportunity to find someone who loves you, fully, as you deserve to be loved? Maybe now is the time for you to start calling the shots and taking back some of the control she has stolen from you.

I Ireally do hope you can find a way for you to be happy!

I'm so sorry for you. Your wife sounds like a nightmare (sorry). Just to add, my DSIL did exactly the same thing a couple of years ago. She and DB managed to sort everything out and deal with their many and varied issues BUT with two main rules:

1. She was not to contact the OM again and if she did DB would be off.

2. They had to sort out their sex lives, including arranging for babysitters regularly so they could have time alone.

If your wife isn't prepared to agree to either of these (they really can't be friends) you need to think very carefully about what you want and how you will deal with it if/when this happens again. Sorry again.

Hi

Still alive. We have settled in to some sort of routine, I think. She's bored, bored of our dull little life, and bored of me, which is fair enough. We seem to have agreed to sort of carry on, most of the time, as normal, for the sake of the family, but I suspect she is either seeing other people more discretely now, or one day will just vanish.

I know I'll never wake up in bed with her or anyone else touching me, and I think the next best thing is just to be a good Dad.

Thanks for your time everyone. I don't think I love her anymore, not like I did. I am not sure if that makes it easier or harder.

Adad, I have only just found your thread and have to say I do feel for you, even though I was once an erring wife - your earlier posts sound like something my exhusband might have written at the time.

You sound as if your self esteem is at a VERY low ebb - if your marriage is going to work, I do think you need to work on that, or this will all happen again with someone else -I see that you already suspect she may be having other affairs and that is NO atmosphere in which to live and bring up a healthy family. You need to remind her of why she married you in the first place - presumably she didn't think you dull or boring then?

My marriage ended after 10 years of no intimacy - my exH's choice, not mine, and I eventually slipped into an affair with an exBF who had, I admit, been the love of my life. I needed to feel sexually desired and to have a little passion in my life again. I had married exH on the rebound from exBF. I had to face up to that (and so did he) and I knew that I couldn't give up the affair - so H took control, and left, which was the right choice for him and I hope he is happier now. He was also initially alternatively pleading with me to end the affair, or threatening to warn exBF off (he seemed to think that exBF had somehow coerced me into the affair - he couldn't face the fact that I had chosen to have one). Maybe you will need to leave, one day - for your own sake and sanity, you NEED to take control of your life and your future. You need to be proactive. Being passive is the WORST thing for your self esteem and soul. If she harms herself, that is HER choice - it will not be your fault. You are not responsible for her feelings or behaviour, you are only responsible for how you choose to deal with it.

If she now tells you that she finds your lives together boring and dull, try persuading her to seek help through Relate. Or there's a book called 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' which is very good on how to revive a relationship that's in the doldrums. 'Normal' does NOT have to mean 'Boring and dull'. If it did, we would all go out and kill ourselves!

I do wish you well, Adad, and I hope you will find love again one day, with her or with someone else. You owe it to yourself and to your children.

And I loved your Alan Partridge comment. You see, you aren't boring if you can find that humour again.

The book you mention is ok - but she's not interested, and not nterested in any sort of counselling. All i'm interested in now is surviving. Most days, if I am honest, I want to run away from it all, because I know nothing will ever change, somehow I have left it too late, though I still don't know what I have done. It does feel like being punished. It's really hard being a good Dad when you wish you were dead.

Listen, mate, as one man to another, I think you need to get some help. There's more to life than just "surviving". I know that feeling and I know, now, that it's no way to spend your days. I'd really, very strongly, recommend talking to your doctor about how you're feeling and also getting some one-on-one counselling for you.

Your wife treating you like shite isn't your fault. It's her selfish choice. But you need to do something to make sure that her poor treatment of you doesn't do you real and lasting damage.

I must have done something Snorbs, or not done something, or not been something. I have responsibilities, including the responsibility not to run away, whatever form that might take. The fact is that lots of people have far worse lives than mine, so what I need to do is just get on with it, and in my experience counsellors never say "ah, here's the solution" either because they don't know, or there isn't one.

Really I'm just ranting, venting, whining, whatever.

No, Snorbs is right - if your wife won't consider counselling, you could still get some for yourself. And no, counselling is not about someone else telling you what to do. It's about someone guiding you in finding those answers for yourself. It ISN'T easy - but nothing worth having in life is. You won't be much good to yourself or others if you go the rest of your life just 'getting by' and to be honest, you sound very low and your children will sense that. And there may be a woman out there who would love to give you more than you have at present. If this all goes belly up and your wife does go off with someone else, you deserve happiness too. Doing the best for yourself IS part of your responsibility to your children - all children want to have are happy, fulfilled parents - it rubs off on the children. My DD would tell you that. She said I was always irritable when I was with her father, nice man though he was, and whatever problems I have now, at least I am not irritable and I am open to all new experiences again. I would wish that for you, so PLEASE seek some professional help and support in this.

I had an affair many years ago and I left him before he found out.

He had many other sporting commitments that meant anything I wanted to do, came second - ALWAYS. He was a really laid back guy until we got engaged and then he turned into a jealous and possessive man....

I left him and broke off the engagement, he of course promised lots of change to get me back but by then, I was already in love with the man i was having the affair with.

I'm so sorry to hear your story though - whilst I've done it, I'm the biggest hypocrite now because I'm with someone I love to bits.

ADAD we have said it before - she will not just leave - why should she, she can carry on with what she wants and still have you hanging around to pay the bills do the childcare - whatever it is she still wants you for really.

Are you staying because you are afraid that you will not see as much of the children? I can understand that too - as when my h left for a while i was so angry that i may not wake up with them everyday just because he made the choice to leave.

But just think she can pretty much up and leave anyway - and if she is just biding her time until she does she will have gained a lot more strength to 'fight' you for the children.

You do deserve to be happy - whether in a marriage or not, and at the moment you really do not sound very happy (for understandable reasons of course).

Keep talking to us and you find that you one not feel so burdened with the saddness.

You may not have done anything 'wrong' for her to treat you like this but by 'letting' her continue you are saying 'its ok - you can treat me as badly as you want and i will just take it'. Is that how you want people to see you? I dont think so.
Make a pact with yourself today that instead people will say 'theres a sad man who has made the best of what life has thrown at him - wow'.

A counsellor will not have the answers but by talking through how you want things to go they can help you focus on what you want and how to go about getting it for yourself - not relying on anyone else to make you happy.

You may well find somebody ADad.

Because for every man that feels broken and unappreciated and unable to trust, who wants to be cherished and valued and be able to lie in his love's arms without feeling anything less than truly at peace with his world, there is a woman, broken and fragile and lonely, who has had her self esteem smashed, who wants someone to help her pick the pieces of herself back up again, put them back together and find herself again.

Two people who have known the pain, know how to treat each other and share respect and affection and laughter and sorrow and joy and heartache as a partnership.

So don't count on being alone, but don't make being with someone your focus. And be careful of putting her on a pedestal if you find her. The higher the pedestal, the less human we feel and the further we have to fall.

I have not had an affair, but have fallen from a very high pedestal on which I did not want to be, and now I am broke. And for what it is worth, it is the 'dull' and 'boring' that I wanted, an existance that wasn't fraught with the same adrenalin swings as being on an out of control rollercoaster ride.

Just Life.

I understand your pain, truly, but life is fabulous, in the smallest of ways, first find your love of life again, and maybe somewhere along the line, a love for that new life will come along.

All the best.

I must have done something Snorbs, or not done something, or not been something. I have responsibilities, including the responsibility not to run away, whatever form that might take. The fact is that lots of people have far worse lives than mine, so what I need to do is just get on with it, and in my experience counsellors never say "ah, here's the solution" either because they don't know, or there isn't one.

ADad, you may or may not have done something for her to see you in a different way. Or maybe it was just something inside her that changed. Who knows? Relationships are complex and a lot of problems come down to issues on both sides.

But, she chose to deal with that problem by having an affair. That is not your fault. She is refusing to work with you (eg, going to Relate) to try to salvage the relationship or at least to find out if there's anything left worth salvaging. That's not your fault, either. Those are choices that she has made and that she bears responsibility for.

As Tanee said, the job of a counsellor is not to give you the answers, but to give you the "tools" to find out those answers for yourself. The reason being that if they just told you the answers, you'd do what you're doing here - come up with reasons why those answers don't seem appropriate to you. If you discover those answers for yourself (with appropriate guidance from the counsellor), then you'll believe it.

At its core, how you live your life is a choice for you. Being a martyr to circumstance and remaining in a loveless relationship is not, I'd suggest, a good role model for your children. If it's possible future contact issues with the children that concern you (and I can understand that), I'd recommend Families Need Fathers. They're not the same zealots as you find in Fathers 4 Justice, incidentally. FNF will be able to give you good, solid advice.

Happy, I don't actually care what people think, or see, and actually no one knows, I hide it very very well. TMW - you may be right, but I don't want to meet anyone else, it isn't like that. If she were to leave, then I'm too old, and tired, and hurt to want anything else other than a bit of solitude.

adad, this sounds horrible. You don't really explain if there were problems in your relationship before - not an excuse for her behaviour. But are there other, underlying issues for both of you that you need to address? It sounds quite abusive - if not physically, then certainly in terms of the way you relate to each other (or she relates to you). Whatever reason the affair happened for, it seems to me that if you want this relationship to work, then you need to address any other issues in your relationship (if you can forgive her for the affair etc).

Yeah.....OK, but I hope you find some solace...you deserve it..

Adad, you sound so, so down, and it's understandable - this must be so raw, such an open, gaping wound at the moment, of course you feel too old and too tired to look beyond just getting through each day. But however old you are, you are NEVER too old or too tired for love (how old are you, out of interest?) One can find love at 15, or 50, or 105. One has to open to it though, and you are obviously not there yet, not ready to consider the possibility that there may be someone out there who would care for you and enjoy you caring for her. So don't worry about finding true love now. Just concentrate on yourself and your own wellbeing. This is what all of us are trying to get across to you. Never mind your wife and what she is willing/able to do. I'm sure she has her own demons to deal with. Leave her to them for now. Get some help for yourself. Please. There's nothing worse than trying to look as if everything's ok - you will combust inside - and if you do, how will that help your children?.

please, please, please go for counselling. It will help you in so many ways- you will be able to talk IRL to someone and unravel your distress. Call Relate or see www.bacp.co.uk

If you are to maintain any self-respect, then I think you should either give her an ultimatum- the affair must end- or you say your marriage is over.

I know that is the last thing you want, but if you stay with this situation, it cannot get any better, until the affair runs out of steam. Even then, you would both need to go to Relate, to discover why she is not happy with you, and to see if you can re-build your marriage.

Adad: you really do have to take some sort of action towards helping yourself because your situation is so utterly unhealthy. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your physical health is in a mess by now - hypertension, digestive problems, etc... and your mental health is going to deteriorate as well. The more you accept your wife's idea of you as unlovable and worthless (because her behaviour demonstrates that this is how she sees you) the more you will start to believe that's what you are, and you will start to neglect yourself physically as well as emotionally. This isn't good for your DC, either. Please talk to your GP, or Relate, or ask for some sort of referral to counselling, or simply tell your wife to leave the family home.

So come on spurned partners - help me with this one - i looked at the texts on my wifes phone. I know i shouldn't have, but there are all sorts of things on there that break my heart, but don't even make sense. There are texts to other man 1, about making a home together, being together - and a strange lie - she told him she went to the cinema with a friend of hers, but she didn't, she went with me - why would she lie to him?

Then he replies about "doing something about adadwithnoname" so that they can be together - what the hell does that mean?

Then there are texts about "wanting a boyfriend before i get old".

Then there are texts to other man 2 - passionate ones, about wanting him, meaning to have him.

What is all this stuff? What the fucking fuck does she actually want? Why am i working my fingers to the bone to make sure we as a family have a house and a future - and we have conversations about what we'll be doing, together, in a week, or a month, or a year, or even ten years.

I can't leave - we can't afford it and it would kill our families, it would kill our son, it would kill me, and we couldn't afford seperate houses. And i want it to work, i want the woman i loved back.

What the hell have I done to deserve this?

I daren't confront her about it, because i really shouldn't have looked at her texts.