Women who have affairs

[adadwithnoname]

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

Quite, hecate.

What is it that you want? For the affair to end and to live happily as if nothing had happened? Would you be able to forgive and forget?

Forgiving and staying is as hard as splitting up IMO

Only you can decide OP

You need to realise that unless you decide and put your foot up her ass (not literally of course) you will suffer and eventually your kids will pick up on it and they will.. trust me, they will notice something is up.

Force her hand. Either she wants you or she doesn't. ATM she is having her cake and eating it no matter whether she is happy with her life or not..she has no right to make YOU unhappy, in trying to find whatever she is looking for to make herself happy.

The greener grass on the other side of the fence is actually astro turf IMVHO.

What i count myself as with my DP, yeah, sure, there are better looking guys out there, probably with bigger cocks, nicer cars, more money, their own house, whatever, maybe someone who will say "I love you" more often, or who will be like a porn star in bed, who will notice when i have my hair done .. why would i want someone like that? They IMO wouldn't be a patch on my DP pain in the arse that he is sometimes, they wouldn't tell me they loved me even though i smell like baby sick, am up to my armpits in nappies, not notice i have had my hair done but say nothing when i haven't brushed it
I wouldn't swap that for the world.
You give up such things when you commit to someone.

I know you don't want us to judge her but she is taking you for a prick mate, a soft touch.

If she gave a fig, or was made of anything, she would have come to you BEFORE the affair started and would have told you, "I am not happy, this is what i feel is missing/could be improved" Then you could think about it, and come back with an answer, or have a discussion about BOTH of your needs ect.. and sort something out between you.

Not happy? Doesn't know what she wants? FGS you are a man not a mind reader.
She should have told you and given you a chance to put things right or at least make them more bearable.

Hmph i fucking HATE cheaters. Lowlifes.

"You give up such things when you commit to someone."

Shouldn't have said that sorry i forgot to take it out lol

Some people feel there is something missing in their primary relationship and look elsewhere - and sometimes they are right. Sometimes the cheated-on partner is selfish and lazy, has been neglecting the other one, etc. Sometimes, of course, the cheated-on partner is abusive and it is only by beginning a relationship with someone else that the other partner finds the strength to break away from the abuser.
Some people breach monogamy because they like having sex with lots of different people, and usually operate under the impression that as long as their partners don't find out (and no unplanned pregnancies or STIs occur) it's not a problem.
And some people are too inadequate to be single, so they can't end aa relationship without having a new partner all wet and ready to go.

Is your wife having an affair with a man or a woman?

SGB yes unfortunately i agree with that. Some people do like to have someone else waiting to go to, IMO cheaters are mostly greedy...they cannot let go of one without having another, or they want to have both..i have also found the ones i have had experience of as lacking in self esteem..they want to know that they are loved/found attractive by many people.. at least from what you posted earlier you are open about what you want/do ect, so in theory no one gets hurt, there is unsaid 'permission' involved.

Its when the one partner is clear that they expect monogamy and the other makes out that so do they, when really they have no intention of sticking to it. I would rather be told and then left for the OW before anything physical takes place, than cheated on and then told let to find out and feel that hurt, humiliation and betrayal.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone

This is a really interesting thread, for the reason given by Hecate.

There would be very different responses if the OP had been a woman asking why her husband had affairs - you can bet your life most would be along the lines of 'Chop off his balls!' Whereas there is far more willingness to show understanding/empathy the other way round.

Just an observation.

From my pov, I had an affair because I was desperately unhappy at home. I had spent many years trying to make my relationship work, to no avail, and when I found someone that actually listened to me, and made me feel special instead of just an unattractive drudge, I went for it.

I finished my relationship within a few hours of sleeping with the other man for the first time, but by the point we had slept together, I was already in love with him.

I later married the other man, and we have been married for 5 years now and have a son together.

I'm not trying to justify myself, in fact, because of the way it all happened, I'm forever waiting for karma to bite me on the arse... but I would never cheat on my husband. Never ever.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that you need to find out her reasons for doing it - and not believe the old adage 'once a cheater, always a cheater' because that's simply not true.

Talk to her. Find out why she's unhappy, or felt the need to do this.

But, if you're not satisfied with the reasoning, get rid. If she feels like she can walk all over you and she can keep doing so, she will do it again.

Think the OP's long gone lol

I'd love the affair to end, and of course I'd forgive her, I love her. She has hurt me more than I can say, and right now it feels like I am grieving, I flash between understanding, tears, anger, confusion and despair. Right now I'm feeling relatively sane, and I can say that I will wait for her forevere, even though I know that she will never come back. She wants to carry on with this man, who gives her something she doesn't want from me anymore, and also for us to have the rest of a "normal" relationship, holidays, watching tv when we get home, supporting each other, being parents.

She also seems to be trying to encourage me to find someone else, but in the same breath saying that if I stopped loving her she couldn't cope, and would vanich forever from our lives, and probably destroy herself - I can't be responsible for that, even if she wasn't the woman I will always love. SHe asked me last night if I would look after her if she was dying, and of course I said yes.

I don't think I have any more questions, I don't know why she is doing this, I don't know when i stopped being a lover, and became just the father of our child, and I am not sure it really matters.

I hurt a lot, and I don't know what to do.

Look, I know you?re hurting, but I do think you need to toughen up a bit.

Do you think it would be even worse if she left? Because, frankly I?m not sure it could get much worse for you. You need to stop putting up with this stuff. I know you?re frightened, I know you want to do nothing and hope that it works out. But for your own sanity, you need to face up to what?s going on and decide what to do about it. Is it her you really want or are you afraid of being on your own? Or do you not want him to have her?

WRT your wife, the phrase ?having your cake and eating it? springs to mind. What?s with all the drama? ?Would you look after me if I was dying?? I mean, come on.

Seriously, if you want her back, this isn?t the way to do it. Don?t let her walk all over you. She needs to see what she will be giving up, what she will be leaving. Don?t be the crumpled mess on the floor ? it makes it too easy for the other person. Pretend. Act. Hide the hurt. Get up. Go out. Get on with your life, even though you are dying inside. Give her a chance to see that she might be making a mistake. And, in the process, you might find out if it really is her that you want.

It would be worse if she left. It would be worse for her. Frankly I beleive that she would kill herself. It would be worse for our son, it would be worse for me. I would be killing her.

I am hiding it, though it is the hardest thing I have ever done. We were in the car yesterday, and had some music on that we both love, singing along, and i was in floods of tears. Just thinking about that now I'm crying.

i agree and it will only be when she sees that you can make it alone will she be able to think clearly.

I say this a wife who was cheated on - i remember feeling as you do - i would wait forever blah blah blah.....

I have learned so much about myself since then - and the bigest thing is that only i can make myself happy - not my h.

Now if your wife cannot live without your love then she has a choice - she can stop the affair and commit to you, she obviously can live without you and is.

Honestly the minute you start to take the control back she will start to panic and if she still wants to make a go of the marriage she will start to do all she can to do that.

I suggest going to see a solicitor - it is not as scary as you think and get some facts first. She will be just as scared as you about losing everything.

You cant make her love you but you can help her to see that you are the person SHE WANTS TO BE WITH.

Good luck.

You will be ok - you will survive - she has choosen to do this not you.

The most hurtful thing was when she said she wanted to see me with someone else. I can't imagine anything worse.

I have thought about having affairs. My husband tended to think it was because he was lacking in some department - money/sexually etc. But it was nothing to do with that. The people who I was attracted to were not necessarily richer/better looking etc. I just liked them. That's it. Pure and simple. I just met other men that I really liked and wanted to have a relationship with. I will never know whether I would have preferred that other men to my husband because I never tested those relationships out. Maybe I would have realised that what I had was great. Maybe I would have realised that I would be happier in another relationship. I don't know. It may just be that she has met someone else that she likes. That simple.

I'm not completely.. well, I've thought about having affairs, I sort of assume everyone thinks about it, and then pretty much dismisses the thought. Perhaps as a man it is different, I don't know, because I'm not a woman, but I suspect most men have at least considered the idea, just because sex is a nice thing to think about, especially if it's not a feature of your real life but that's the point I'm trying to make, the difference between what mught be nice in the no consequences land of your fantasies, and real life.

I agree with Happy Woman :'Honestly the minute you start to take the control back she will start to panic and if she still wants to make a go of the marriage she will start to do all she can to do that.'

It sounds like you are being a bit of a puppy dog - she knows she can walk all over you and you just take it all. Her behavior is very selfish - she wants a lover and a man at home that worships her. How needy to say to a man she is cheating on 'will you help when I'm dying' !!!!

Like other posters have said if this was the other way round (man doing that to a woman) people would be disgusted.

In the past I have had relationships with men who 'worship the ground you walk on' types. It just gives you all this power to treat them like shit - knowing they come running back at the click of your fingers. It's totally unhealthy.

You need to be stronger (even if it is just a front) and tell her to end the affair and have marriage counseling. Sorry to sound harsh but it you behave like a door mat she's just going to treat you like one!

I think women 'respect' men that know what they want - be strong not weak and she will come back to you...

i think a lot of people think about having affairs - there is plenty of fiction to read about it so it must give some pleasure to think about it.

I have never crossed the line - except in my head, but i would imagine that if i did and my h 'accepted' it there would be no reason to stop it until i was bored of it iyswim.

At the moment you are allowing her to have it all with no consequenses, so what is the incentive for her to end either relationship?

She is saying she would like you to be with someone else as it will ease her guilt. She clearly doesnt care enough about you at the moment to worry how much heartache she is causing you.

I say at the moment as i do believe she may not be thinking straight.
People in affairs dont live in the 'real world' and until you make her face the fact that she will lose you unless it stops she bell not ever believe that will happen.

As i see it you have 2 options.

Take the hard line and know that you cannot tolerate what she is doing to you and end the marriage by asking her to leave.

Or you work on yourself - learn about who you are and what you want out of life - still staying in the marriage and hope that she will see what a great bloke you are and come to her senses - be warned though that during this time you may change and it may be too late for her to fix things.

Either way good luck and do try and do some nice things just for you to make you feel better.

you say, 'She also seems to be trying to encourage me to find someone else, but in the same breath saying that if I stopped loving her she couldn't cope, and would vanich forever from our lives, and probably destroy herself - I can't be responsible for that, even if she wasn't the woman I will always love. SHe asked me last night if I would look after her if she was dying, and of course I said yes.'

she wants it every which way.

that is not what you signed up for.

if an open marriage was discussed before you got married, then fair enough, but it was not. too late now to ask for it.

she is responsible for her own behaviour and her own life and feelings.

you cannot stay by her side, mute and resentful, to make her feel better

why on earht should she be able to continue seeing someone else, rubbing it in your face that oyu and the marriage are not enough, and that you still have to love her unconditionaly????

madness on her part for asking that

madness on yours for agreeing

She's behaving very badly, no doubt about that.

But you're letting her do so.

Why?

Are you really afraid that she would hurt herself?

Because, I got to tell you, she sounds as though she has a quite remarkable sense of self-preservation and entitlement.

Have you thought about counselling? It sounds as though you could do with someone impartial as a sounding board for this - you're all twisted up in knots and not thinking straight.

Sorry, but your wife is behaving like a complete s**t. So, she is having a relationship with someone she would rather sleep with and who makes her feel great, but doesn't trust him enough to look after her if things take a turn for the worse. In which case, she wants you there to run back to you or she 'won't be able to cope and just might harm herself or want the earth to swallow her'. I have never heard anything so damn selfish in my life!! Well, hand the woman an Oscar. How dare she think that the world revolves around her?

For god's sake, step back and think about how this woman is treating you and what sort of person that makes her - and how unsettled your son must be and what she is doing to him. surely you are better than that? If I were you I would see a solicitor, and if she has let on that she would kill herself via emails / texts or answerphone messages then preserve these in preparation for the family court. Someone that selfish and unstable doesn't deserve your child. And as for you killing her - sorry, but she chose to get herself into this mess, it is not your fault in the slightest. She is just a selfish cow who is destroying your son's family life and yours just because she fancied a shag with someone else.

Lay down the law - she can't have the cosy home and a bit on the side. Tell her you love her and you are willing to try again - but only on the condition she dumps him and never sees him again. Then cut contact with her (agree access to your son first) and keep away from her outside of access times.

She needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable and has consequences - namely she loses someone she obviously still loves and trusts with her life, or takes her chance on this new bloke. It's obvious she isn't wholly sure of him (hence the death question) and I bet he'll look a lot less attractive when she's forced to weigh him up as a partner, not an exciting shag. And who says he wants her full time?

you must for your own sanity draw a line that you are not willing to be crossed. Only you know what you are willing to put with but you owe it to yourself to find that line and stick to it.

If you are not prepared to 'share' your wife and she too wants to give it a go you must ensure she cuts all contact with him. you must also tell her what the consequences are if she does cross the line, and again only you know what that is. But if you say you want out you must mean it.

Believe me you feel so much stronger in yourself - not just in this situation - when you find that strengh to do what is right for you.

adadwithnoname - are you a regular poster? And you say your wife is a poster on here, that's why you can't give any details??