Women who have affairs

[adadwithnoname]

Please, I could use some genuine answers. My wife is having an affair. It's early stages at the moment, and I don't know how long it is going to last, or whether it is going to take the place of the family - in fact I think it is not - but I simply do not know why she is doing it, and I do not think she does either.

I know, she knows I know, it's all very horrible and very devestating.

I could really use some light on the subject, if you are a woman who has had an affair, why did you do it? Did it change anything about you? Did you go back? If you did, do you wish you hadn't?

I think i actually have 100 questions, but it is simply something you can not talk to anyone about.

namechanger obviously.

About 4 years ago I had what might have been described as an emotional affair. It was slightly more complicated in terms that it was with someone I met on the internet, so we didn't know each other personally, only through the chats we had online and a couple of phone calls. But on an emotional level we became inappropriately close.

I wasn't unhappily married, but I was a sahm to a then two year old and I spent a lot of time on the internet because I was lonely and I have no friends in rl.

And I guess I was flattered by the attention, even though it was virtual attention, it was still someone noticing me, something which never happened normally. And because we were never likely to meet I suppose I never considered the implications if my dh found out. Besides it kind of progressed naturally and because it was just text on a screen (in retrospect) I saw it differently to an actual affair iyswim. I am fairly confident I would never do the same with someone in rl, but that doesn't excuse the fact I did it online.

I ended it, but ironically the day I ended it my dh found out. A lot of heartache followed and it opened my eyes to the fact I was not the person I wanted to be and that I'd lost my way somewhere.

I guess I will never be able to make up for what I did, and four years on I have never forgiven myself for it either. But dh has forgiven me and I guess that's more than I deserve.

You need to speak to her. If it's out in the open then she shouldn't be just expecting to carry on with it. Would you consider leaving?

Am going to comment from a personal point of view so I am not swayed by other people's opinions.

For me, it gave me a chance to be 'me' - not wife, not mum, not co-worker - someone who took an interest in me, made me feel great about myself, made me excited.

Unfortunately, I got found out (as you always do), denied everything, then felt that to save my marriage had to confess to everything - still wanted to be married to my husband, still wanted my happy cosy life - basically have my cake and eat it.

I honestly believed, in my total naivety, that if he (my husband) found out he wouldn't be 'that bothered'. He was a great father and a great husband but we had grown apart and he loved his DIY, gave us a lovely home, when I would rather have had a sh*tty home and a husband who paid me as much attention as he did the house. Saying that, I am putting the blame on him, and I really am not. The blame totally lies with myself and I now have to live with the consequences.

Now 7 years on, I am a single mum to 3 kids (had the third after the affair - a make up baby - doesn't work - he left when she was 11 weeks old).

If I could live my life again, I would have communicated with my husband more and wanted his attention rather than finding this attention elsewhere.

I would never ever cheat on anyone again because I can see the devastation it causes, not only to my life, also my children's (although they are fine now) and my husband's.

i dont; see why there should be a differentiation between women or men having affairs

i think the reason tehy happen are for all the usual cliches

bored, marriage is not as exciting as it was, children make things stressful and dull, feeling undesired

it takes more effort to make a marriage work and keep workign than to shag someone else and worry about the fall out later

jane - I was commenting on the lack of a thousand "Leave the cunt" posts that would have come if this was a woman posting the exact same question on here. There would have been no posts trying to give reasons why the man was rubbing his wifes nose in his affair and what she might be able to do to help him or understand him.

Tell me that's not true with a straight face and I will drive to Meadowhall, strip nekked and do the chicken song (with actions) round the mall with a rose up my arse.

I'm sorry, I can't say anymore. Thank you, and I will read everything everyone writes here.

well said hecate!

adad, you won;t really find the answers here, it is displacement activity , when what you need to do is have a serious talk with your wife and think about what you want

Can i say it anyway please hec

I cannot turn down an opportunity like that

Hectate in particular, thank you - I wish I could explain to you in particular for your kind words.

You're right btw

Agree with you hecate.

In fact when my dh found out I couldn't understand why he didn't leave, especially given that if he had done the same I would have left.

I only know from the experience of my Parent's marriage, might be totally different to your situation.

My Mother had an affair when married to my Father as he went out 5 nights out of 7 and left her in with us.
Dad is great, but he never made time for Mom or us as a family and they didn't spend any quality time together.
On the one night out a week she had, Mom found a man who courted her and made her feel special. It turned into a full blown affair.
I married a man the complete opposite to my Father tbh, a family man who puts us first.

It's hard going from being a woman/person in your own right to suddenly being a Wife and mother. Some women I suspect are simply bored and want excitement or just want to be desired for who they are.

it does seem as if women having affairs are considered more justified than men who do the same. Why is this?

yeah - I agree with you Hecate. I suppose it was only my misreading of "I know, she knows I know" to mean that he'd not actually properly had it out with her.

On the other hand I don't think everyone shouts 'leave him/her' Some people do try to support other people who make it clear they want to try and work things out.

OP: What other people do or don't do isn't really going to help you sort out your situation, because every relationship is, actually, different. Many people have open relationships, many people are so paranoid about monogamy being breached that they police all their partners' communications and follow them everywhere.
First you need to think about what you want to happen, and what you are prepared to accept. Presumably you want your wife to end her affair and commit exclusively to you: you may not be able to make this happen. So would you accept her continuing to see the other man until the affair burns itself out? If not, and she still refuses to end the affair, then you should find out the necessary legal information on where you stand if you end the relationship (ie access/custody of children, who moves out) and tell her that the relationship is over as you will not accept her continuing the affair.
Don;t fall into the trap of hanging on hoping she will end the affair and commit to you if she shows no signs of doing so - you can't force her to stay in a monogamous relationship with you, and waiting for her to make up her mind puts you in a powerless position that is utterly miserable and bad for your mental health.
BTW this is exactly the advice I would give to a woman in the same situation.

Timetoconfess I really didn't understand my Mother until I got older. I don't really think I condone either sex having affairs tbh, as has been said every situation is different.

Some people (both sexes) just have affairs, because they can.

Op, I agree with Hecate, you have to take control. Sorry you are in this situation.

I thought that I would just ask the questions, and go through the answers. I did expect some flak. It is very difficult to give any detail - obviously I am aware of this board because she uses it, and I really do not want her to put two and two together, but perhaps it is too late already.

I adore her. I do not want to leave her. I would do anything for her. She is in a terrible fucking mess, and I want to help her, and yes, I want her back. Sanctions, ultimatums, threats will not help, and I know that there is the risk that she will leave, or that things will simply carry on, and I know what it is doing to me.

But who else can i talk to? My friends? Mutual friends? No, it has to be strangers, and frankly it has to be women. Women who have had affairs, women who have thought about having affairs, women who love their husbands, but..

I'm sorry if anyone thinks this is some sort of waste of their time.

I certainly think that some people have affairs just because they can.

But I equally think that there are men as well as women who bitterly regret having affairs. Yet on the whole people seem to be far more forgiving of women than men.

Op I don't think that just biding your time is going to have any impact though. She can never possibly see the impact of what she has done if you don't let her.

For me it came when dh told me he'd gone through my entire internet history and chat logs and knew everything. Before then I told him little because I wanted to protect both him and me. I wanted to limit the damage to my marriage because by then I'd already ended it and had already realized what I had done. But witholding the information just made him want to know everything, and because I didn't tell him he had to find out for himself.

adad I am sorry you are going through this and i understand you dont want to leave your wife but you absolutely have to put your foot down. If you were a woman the question I would ask you is the life you are leading right now making you happy. If the answer is no then as devastated as yo will be you need to tell her you know and you want it to stop and to go to councelling. NOW!!!

She's a MNer? Do you think some part of you wants her to read this, realise it's you and have a light bulb moment where she truly understands what she's doing to you?

I hope she does.

i assume so hecate.

how did you find out?

i don;t think this is a waste of time, but i think it is taking you away from what oyu need to do

posting a thread and hoping she will read it and understand is but if she is so wrapped up in her own world, i doubt this will have much impact

i am sorry you are going through this though

I don't know
I have never cheated. Ever. And i never would.

I've been cheated on every single relationship I've ever been in.

I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone

That bottomless pit feeling

And it bothers me when the person who is being cheated on, takes the blame. I can't see how it is anyones fault, except the person that is cheating.
IMO..Perhaps this is a good time to take stock of things and decide whether the relationship (up until she cheated) was so damn good that it would be a crime not to try and salvage it. Look at the whole thing LOGICALLY - without emotions - like you were trying to work out how to fix the washing machine - is it worth the effort or will you be better off getting a new one despite the cost?
An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy you put into the new person that you therefore are not giving to your partner. Actually, most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by sex in an affair. That betrayal of trust is the most difficult thing to recover from.
She needs to own up to the affair and take responsibility. Too often we don't appreciate the relationship we have until we are about to lose it..a fact proven by my own DP lol.
This is my advice to her and anyone else i know who has had an affair, male or female.

• END IT! No halfway, no "kind of", no being friends?It has to end or you will still be in it and cannot build back your partners trust.
• Take Responsibility. No one else did it but you. You need to own it to get past it.
• Figure out why you did it. Was your marriage failing? Were you looking for self esteem? Repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated?
• Be trustworthy. The biggest obstacle to your relationship's survival is the betrayal, so you must be thoroughly open and trustworthy to build trust back. This means doing what your partner needs you to do (like coming home right after work, breaking off all contact with the other person).
• It takes time. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time. You have to be patient and can?t expect your partner to just bounce back.

If you are forgiven then you've got one hell of a partner, you should never betray them again and do a lot of ass kissing.

I have to tell you you will feel so inadequate and I doubt you will regain your confidence anytime soon. It really does feel horrible. I am sorry this has happened to you.
She does not love you how you deserve to be loved.
If you choose to forgive, it can work if you BOTH try hard enough.

What do you want to do OP? What is your heart telling you at the moment? Then we can advise either way

I will say .. Once the trust is gone, it's very difficult to regain. Loving the person isn't the only factor--one needs to be able to trust that person implicitly.