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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had braest reduction last week - dh and i bickering :(

170 replies

mymittens · 15/09/2008 10:06

I had my breast reduction last week and it hasn't gone as i'd hoped. I have a haematoma under one arm and more worryingly one boob is alot bigger than the other. I feel completely miserable and disappointed about the whole thing and have been in tears every day since the op. dh has been off work to look after ds and knows how sad i've been. this morning i went back to bed after he'd told me i needed to be quick getting washed (he was supposed to be helping) but i can't do anything quickly atm. I got really upset and went back to bed. I tried to get me to get up but i refused. he got annoyed with me and when siad he wanted to talk about things. I said i would when i was ready but atm i want to be left alone. he said he wouldn't want to talk about hings later and has now taken ds out. it's one thing after another. i wish i hadn't had the operation

OP posts:
Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 10:08

he's now just texted me to apologise for being impatient . he said it was because he didn't wan tot leave ds alone for too long downstairs. tempted to tell him to leave me alone as he's so fed up

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 15/09/2008 10:20

stop it. Be gracious if he has apolgised, accept his apology and move on

NomDePlume · 15/09/2008 10:23

Firstly, it is still very early days to judge the finished result as your swelling will still be very pronounced.

It sounds like you are a bit emotional at the momnet (understandably so) and your DH is also finding it difficult to be the one who does everything.

I think you just need time to get over your op and for your DH to settle into a routine a little. Let the dust settle.

NomDePlume · 15/09/2008 10:24

Please don;t punish him, you'll only make things worse.

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 11:02

thanls for you replies but i have already texted him to tell him ot leave me alone becuase i don't wnat him upsetting me anymore. he said he's fed up with seeing me so unhappy. what am i supposed to do - pretend to be happy for him?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 15/09/2008 11:10

you are wallowing - try harder to see it from his perspective

Alambil · 15/09/2008 11:12

You don't have to pretend, but you needn't hibernate either

My aunt had a breast reduction for medical reasons; it took a good 2/3 months for the absolute final look to be there... it's VERY early days.

Recouperation takes time but you needn't shut and push everyone away. Your DH is probably feeling under more stress than normal due to having to look after you as well as you can't do certain things for a while.... also the hemotoma etc was stressful for you BOTH

Don't punish him - CALL him, tell him you're sorry you were short earlier and you're looking forward to seeing him later.

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 11:39

he came back and i was still so upset i started crying hysterically. he got angry and shouted at me and eventually went away after i'd asked about 3 times. ds was downstair and i heard him say to h that mummy was sad. thye've gone out again now

OP posts:
unavailable · 15/09/2008 11:46

I am not sure why you post here when you dont seem to take any of the v good advice on offer. (I am also referring to previous posts on same topic.)I feel sorry for your dh and especially your ds. Stop wallowing.

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 11:49

I'll try to stop wallowing and i'm grateful for the advice,thanks. I'm just feeling so compltely miserable and wish i could feel better. I'm sad that dh would shout at me like that when i'm so upset - pain has been worse since i got hysterical

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 15/09/2008 11:52

As far as your DH is concerned, sometimes raising your voice to someone (particularly if they are hysterical) is the only way to get your point across...

Surely you should have painkillers available to you....rest when you can but do walk around too to keep your circulation going...if you were supposed to be bed-ridden they would have kept you in hospital.

MamaG · 15/09/2008 11:54

Sorry to hear you're feeling so sad and low. AGree with others, your DH sounds like he's doing his best TBH

As another poster said, its very early days and what your boobs look like now is v different to how they will look in a few months.

Say sorry to DH and try to get up, washed dressed etc rat her than hiding in bed.

mayorquimby · 15/09/2008 12:25

based on previous threads on the subject it seems as though your husband can do nothing right in your eyes. you seem to enjoy playing the martyr (or at least choose to prolong negative communication) as every time he tries to apologise (even when it is obvious it is not completely his fault and he is trying to make peace for your sake) you reject his apologies and renew the original argument.
i honestky don't know what advice to give you that you haven't been given a hundred times alrewady onyour previous threads.
i am glad that you have come through your operation and hope that your healing goes according to plan. but you seem to think that this will solve all your problems and at times act as though your husband is responsible for your operation in the first place.

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 13:53

there's been more shouting and i've been hysterical again. now he's gone out for the afternoon. i'm even more angry now as he was on the phone shouting at me while he was driving with ds in the car (no hands free)

OP posts:
lulumama · 15/09/2008 13:56

i saw the theard title and knew this would be you.

i am sorry your op hs left you disappointed, however it is still early days and you need to give swelling etc time to go down.

you are still in the negative cycle you were in before the op

you need Relate or other counselling before you destroy each other

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 13:58

i know lots of you think i'm wallowing but i feel so helpless and now i won't even be able to wash and get dressed today as i need h to help me and have hardly eaten all day.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 15/09/2008 13:58

Why ask for advice and then completely ignore it? Are you in bed or on the computer feeling sorry for yourself? If you are really in pain, take something for it and lie down, wake up in a better mood and apologise for being such a miserable PITA. It will do you more good than MN-ing - which I wouldn't say lightly!

OneLieIn · 15/09/2008 14:00

FFS my mittens, how many times do people need to tell you to stop wallowing? Sorry to be harsh, but let's look at the situation..

You had a BR that you think has gone wrong. Everyone on here is telling you it is early days. You don't come out of hospital and a couple of days later have fabulous tits. Your body is recovering from being sliced open and a part of it removed, so no wonder it is taking time to heal. Be patient.

Your DH sounds like he is trying to do the best he can. He is supporting you through this, he is looking after your DS, he is explaining (in a very kind way) to your DS what is going on, he is being everything you would expect from a kind and loving DH.

You ask 'he said he's fed up with seeing me so unhappy. what am i supposed to do - pretend to be happy for him?' Actually the truth is you have 2 choices:

  1. Wallow in your own sadness, be miserable, cry, be hysterical, stay in bed and all you will do is alienate your DH and confuse your DS even further.
or
  1. Get up, get washed and dressed, txt him back and go out for a walk. Calm down, try and smile and move forwards. Move forwards in your life and keep your relationship together.

Go and talk to someone about the BR if its still bothering you in a while, but remember, it takes ages to be back to normal.

Your choice.

sleepycat · 15/09/2008 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudgeNutmeg · 15/09/2008 14:03

Personally, I think washing is over-rated.

Blu · 15/09/2008 14:08

MM - every sigle time he comes back, apologises, or whatever, it is never good enough. I know he shouts, but when he camew back, WHY were you still upset? Why did you text him and tell him to leave you alone after he had apologised? You could have accepted, calmed down and been happier!

You do sound as if you are in a complete state, but it doesn't sound as if you will lt your DH help.

You are both under strain. But it does sound as if you are taking it out on DH. What can he do but go out if you refuse to accept his apology and text him to leave you alone? He probably thinks that tking responsibility f getting your ds out of the house is the only thing he can do.

Why is he shoting when driving? PLease tell me you didn't call him while he was driving?

Have you got a follow-up appt with your surgon or GP about the operation? It does sound painful, and you wold probbly feel happier if you had some re-assurance.

Original poster
mymittens · 15/09/2008 14:10

Thanks everyone, i know i go on. I'm going to call h in a few minutes when i've calmed down a bit and apologise for not making up earlier and tell him i understand it must be hard for him too. A good idea?

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 15/09/2008 14:10

I am sure the pain and discomfort is making you feel down.
You need to address that with your doctor or the hospital asap.

If you can type, why can't you wash yourself?

I think your DH is doing his best.
Get your pain under control, and perhaps you will be able to see things in a more objective way.

Saturn74 · 15/09/2008 14:11

x post.
that is a great idea, mymittens.

solidgoldbrass · 15/09/2008 14:12

Oh hell, here's Mrs Whiny of Whinytown again. I am amazed your DH hasn't either left you or smothered you by now. I would have. If you can't get a grip, stop whining and take a large cup of grow the fuck up, your DH will leave you and no one will blame him.