Had braest reduction last week - dh and i bickering :(

[mymittens]

I had my breast reduction last week and it hasn't gone as i'd hoped. I have a haematoma under one arm and more worryingly one boob is alot bigger than the other. I feel completely miserable and disappointed about the whole thing and have been in tears every day since the op. dh has been off work to look after ds and knows how sad i've been. this morning i went back to bed after he'd told me i needed to be quick getting washed (he was supposed to be helping) but i can't do anything quickly atm. I got really upset and went back to bed. I tried to get me to get up but i refused. he got annoyed with me and when siad he wanted to talk about things. I said i would when i was ready but atm i want to be left alone. he said he wouldn't want to talk about hings later and has now taken ds out. it's one thing after another. i wish i hadn't had the operation

[mymittens]

yes, that's certainly something to aspire to . I'm goung to try extra hard to get out of this negative cycle and i so much hppe that with the help of the counsellor we can make things happier for us and or course for wonderful ds

[BalloonSlayer]

That's lovely about the wedding vows, Mymittens.

Also remember the line from 1 Corinthians though, about love, (often the reading at weddings.)

"Love keeps no score of wrongs."

That is an aspiration for me.

[Blu]

Hope your breasts will settle down, MM - sounds pretty normal that you can't tell til then.

Well done fo getting hold of the rown before it took hold .

[mymittens]

Just a quick update. Consultant said i need to wait 3 months to see how they settle. If still uneven he can reduce one a bit more, but a small possibility may have to pay hospital costs dh, ds and i went out for lunch to day, nearly had a row but we put a stop to it after a few minutes

[QuintessentialShadow]

well done!

[Blu]

Well done, MM - and good luck at the consultants.

[mymittens]

Thanks so much to all of you. Will let you know how things go.

[Lizzylou]

Oh that's lovely, you will sort this out MM.
You obviously both want to

[BlingLovin]

You might even find size is so out of control because for whatever reason, one breast is more swollen than the other. Definitely do not stress about that yet. I seem to recall it was about 4 weeks before I could even begin to think of them as breasts again. And at least 6 months before I felt comfortable.

[skyatnight]

It's great that he responded positively about the framed vows.

I hope things go well at the consultant's. I'm sure it will all be fine once the swelling has gone down. It was a major operation and you are bound to feel very wobbly afterwards. Take it one day at a time, physically and emotionally.

[mymittens]

I framed the vows and gave themn to him when he got in and said i wished we could be like this. I said thati thought it would be a good idea to go back ot counsellor so she could help us with things. He agreed and loved the frame . Seeing consultant later so hoping to get some reassurance that the size will even up

[QuintessentialShadow]

mymittens, I am glad to see that some of this is getting throug to you, and you seem to be going deeper into this.

[mymittens]

Thanks lizzy and mayor. He'll be back in 1/2 hr or so. Will let you now how it goes. Thanks so much for all your posts, even the "harsh" ones. They're probably what i needed. Thanks x

[skyatnight]

If I were you I would show him the words and say that it is how you wish things were between you. But then leave it. Don't try and turn it into an opener for a discussion, to get attention.

Let him know that you are aware that he is very busy at the moment looking after you and your child(ren) as well as his usual work and that you are grateful for his help. That you wish things could be better between you and that part of this has to come from you but that you are going to concentrate on getting better first. When you are better, you would like to go to counselling again in order to improve things between you and you would like him to think about whether he would come with you.

Or something like that...

[mayorquimby]

brilliant.
as i've said the whole way through this thread, sometimes maybe too forcefully as an attempt to get through that counselling is what both you need.
i hope you cans stick to it for your part (you can't control him) and not rake over perceived slights for the millionth time in minute detail. appreciate the things he is doing as even from your side ofthe story which is probably not going to paint him in the greatest light it seems as though he is working his bollox off and is getting frustrated at the mixed messages and tests you keep sending his way (the magazines a prime example).

all the best
hope it works out

you could also try apologising and see how he reacts.

[Lizzylou]

I think that sounds like a very positive step forward MM

[mymittens]

I am going to try even harder to leave out issues until i'm better and we or i are going to counselling again in a fe weeks. I've printed of the wedding vows and froamed then and will show then to h when he gets back. He's seen them before and thought they were lovley. I'll tell him i'd love it if we could be like this but thik we/i should go to counsellign again to help us. How does that sound?

[mayorquimby]

"but did everybody miss the post where she listed all the times he's been horrible to her when she most needed his support or does that not fit with the poor put upon man scenario? "

no didn't ignore them because they didn't suit my picture of saintly dh as he should learn to walk away and control his temper when she is antagonising him and leave her to sulk rather than shouting at her as that is helping no one. but they were listed in a way to make him look the worst possible and her look once again like a victim with little or no back story. the same way if she had simply listed this argument as "dh screaming at me when i am in too much pain to get out of bed following a serious operation" we would all be up in arms about her dickhead husband. but when we have further information and a general knowledge of the past and build up to the screaming we know there is more to it than just her husband shouting at her.there is also her provoking him and instigating the shouting.

for what it's worth it is encouraging to at least see mymittens looking at her own thought process and actions the further this thread has gone on.

however the frustrations of other posters is understandable as having given advice and listened to her complaints, se has gone out of her way yet again today to push and test her husband. i.e saying no to magazines when he was going out with dc only to wait for him to return and then send him back out for them. so one has to wonder wether any of the realisations MM has come to will be put into action or will she just continue the cycle.

[skyatnight]

MyMittens
I haven't read all the other threads and I don't see any benefit in haranging you but I can see why people get frustrated because you do seem to be in a world of your own and to be behaving in an unconstructive manner. None of us knows the real nature of your relationship with your husband. It may be that he plays strange passive-aggressive games with you too but one of you has to break the cycle and it sounds as if you both need help.

In a marriage we hope that our partner will care for us and support us in our times of need. This is fair enough but, at the end of the day, it is you who are responsible for your own well-being and happiness. You can't expect your husband to be a mind-reader or to try and make you happy when you are not happy with yourself. You are just going to be on a hiding to nothing and that is what is happening.

Blu has given you the advice you need and I agree that the best thing you can do right now is to concentrate on getting better physically and not winding your husband or yourself up. The sentiments in that reading are wise.

Be kind to yourself and your husband. Try to be still and quiet and to just relax. Don't play games in the way that you communicate. Just be straightforward. Let your husband look after you in his own way and try to be grateful. If he is not giving enough in the relationship, or is not communicating with you in the way that you would wish, that is something to bring up in counselling but now is not the best time as you are both stressed. One thing at a time. Nobody is perfect and sometimes our expectations are just too high.

[Blu]

MM - yes, I think that wedding reading does actually contain some very useful reminders, and provide a useful focus of what is important.

It isn't easy to achieve: I'm furious with the way my DP lashes out at me (not physically) when he is under emotional pressure, but I have learned not to take it personally - and that if i do, and feel sorry fo myself, the whole thing deteriorates into the kind of spiral that you experience too. I just have to thnk 'ignore...not about me...ignore..too ridiculous to take seriously or personally' and try and give him some re-assurance and calm so that he can act like his normal self again.

[2beornot2be]

Well I would go to your GP and explain how your feeling how old is your DS?

I really would avoid making arguements with your DH as your end up pushing him away unless thats what you want.

Just explain your rather emotional and feeling miserable and in Pain and thats why your acting like this

[mymittens]

2be - have just looked and no it doesn't describe me. I have suffered from extreme anxiety in the past

[2beornot2be]

Mymittens have you spoke to your GP about possibly being depressed I have Bi-polar and its very extreme google it on nhs and see if it describes you

[mymittens]

2be - this has been going on for ages, not just post op

humphrey - i have lots of things i do away from ds - gym, swimming, going out with friends .

it's actually him who has no outside interests. No friends or hobbbies. Just work and home

[mymittens]

Just found a fantastic wedding reading:

Let your love be stronger than your hate and anger,
Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break,
Believe the best rather than the worst, people have way of living up or down to your opinion of them,
The person you chose to marry is deservign of the courtesies and kindness you bestow on your friends,
Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship

Fell like froming that and putting it on the wall for us to look at when in doubt