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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had braest reduction last week - dh and i bickering :(

170 replies

mymittens · 15/09/2008 10:06

I had my breast reduction last week and it hasn't gone as i'd hoped. I have a haematoma under one arm and more worryingly one boob is alot bigger than the other. I feel completely miserable and disappointed about the whole thing and have been in tears every day since the op. dh has been off work to look after ds and knows how sad i've been. this morning i went back to bed after he'd told me i needed to be quick getting washed (he was supposed to be helping) but i can't do anything quickly atm. I got really upset and went back to bed. I tried to get me to get up but i refused. he got annoyed with me and when siad he wanted to talk about things. I said i would when i was ready but atm i want to be left alone. he said he wouldn't want to talk about hings later and has now taken ds out. it's one thing after another. i wish i hadn't had the operation

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 15/09/2008 22:23

yes, it is a self-fulfilling prophesy

mayorquimby · 15/09/2008 23:07

christ i feel sorry for this guy.
he gets it in the neck every day no matter what he does it's wrong.and the op has admitted that she pushes him to see if he'll shout so she can test his love and validate herself.and then when he does snap and shout she can martyr herself for the rest of the day and make him jump through hoops apologising for an outburst that she antagonised out of him.
he needs to grow some balls

mayorquimby · 15/09/2008 23:07

controlfreakinfreaky · 15/09/2008 23:17

i feel even sorrier for their poor ds....

Original poster

mymittens · 16/09/2008 01:53

Thanks for all your comments. I know 99% of you think i've only got myselft to blame. I'm pretty sure h was reading this earlier too as h'e was shouting at me agon this evening telling me it was all my fault and that he's stressed and i should consider his feelings. He was shouting right outside ds's rooms again, having tod me a few hours before there'd be no more shouting and he was sorry for shouting earlier on

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 16/09/2008 02:17

only having read the first and last page of this thread, I would just recommend that you check you don't have an infection anywhere as this could be making you a) in more pain, b) bloody miserable and c) somewhat irrational. See your GP in the morning.

If you don't have an infection then I think some of the other posters on here do have a point, and while being in pain is never fun, you do have to be a bit more reasonable towards your DH who does seem to be trying quite hard to cope with you.

lulumama · 16/09/2008 08:30

so, what are you both going to do to break the cycle?

this cannot go on

this is a poisonous and negative way to live.

you have choices, you can go on as you are. you can go to relate. you can go to counselling seperately. or you can divorce.

make some choices

it is the same thing over and over and over and over

you are both at fault, although based on what you say, i can see why your DH is at the end of his tether, you push him that bit further every time he tries to help... but don;t connect his anger and shouting with your behaviour

you are not living in a vacuum, your actions ahve an effect, as doe his

QuintessentialShadow · 16/09/2008 08:37

If he shouted again, was it because you dragged the argument back up again?

I have seen and been on your other threads, and it seems you would benefit a lot from councelling. You need to be able to lay matters to rest, stop whining, stop moaning, stop being this tearful weak woman. It is not appealing. It does not make your man go weak at the knees, it infuriates him!

When I think about you, mymittens, a tearful moaning myrtle springs to mind. Snap out of it my girl! Stop going over the same old ground again and again.

Get up, get dressed, put a smile on that face of yours, and STAY POSITIVE!

yea yea, I know, easier said than done with the pain, but give it a try!

LoveMyGirls · 16/09/2008 08:48

Not had time to read whole thread but I understand how you feel, I had my op 4yrs ago, I also had a haematoma, the anasthetic can make you feel emotional on top of the pain, the feeling of loss (strangley i felt i'd lost my identity) I found it all hard to cope with plus not being able to do anything for myself and having to rely on others. Also dp was patient but did occasionally get irritated with me plus he has a very weak stomach so found visiting me in hospital very hard and helping me bath etc.

I also remember just wanting to wallow, when I had the drains in I felt dirty and horrible and hated myself i think it was the anasthetic.

Things are great now so they will get better. Try to accept the apology.

CostaRicanCod · 16/09/2008 08:50

what IS a drain?

GooseyLoosey · 16/09/2008 09:02

Hi MM, hope your consultant is able to offer some reassurance to you today.

I have never been through what you have been through, but I have suffered from depression. My husband eventually said to me that I had to seek help for it as I had no idea how hard it was to live with someone who was no unrelentingly sad and not be able to stop it. He said it made him angry as there was nothing he could do to help and he felt that his life had a huge grey shadow over it as a result of the continuous misery at home.

Before that, I really had not stopped to looked carefully at how my feelings were affecting him - I was so consumed with the way I felt. I can't say I waved a magic wand and everything got better, but I did find help outside the home and try not to talk to dh too much about the times when I feel bad - basically pretend for his sake that I am better than I am. And do you know what? It really helps - it stops me wallowing is misery.

I know you are recovering from surgery, but it sounds to me as though you have more issues than that and you need to take a look at how your marriage works and what you both need from it.

Good luck.

LaMer · 16/09/2008 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlingLovin · 16/09/2008 09:19

MM - the non invasive stuff is relative. They can do a very minor additional cut on the side, in rooms and under one of those semi full anaesthetics (sp?). But they won't even consider it until the scars have lost their redness and all the swelling has gone down - so at least 6 months probably.

Frankly, mine were left bigger than I wanted. But when I assessed it, I realised that if this is what I'd been born with, then I never would have considered surgery as they weren't excessive. So I didn't go for the additional treatments. Which I'm glad about. And overall, they're still so much better - smaller, MUCH better shaped and perky. DP loves that!

In the meantime, I agree with most of the other posters here - don't harp on about stuff, spend less time on the computer and more time propped up leaning slightly backwards or in bed with pillows under your back to stop you lying flat, try not to test your DP and spend your time reading, watching telly or just resting. Bear in mind that NO man can understand what you're really going through - and it sounds like he's trying as hard as he can.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/09/2008 09:20

A drain is a needle stuck into the op site to drain the blood.

Original poster

mymittens · 16/09/2008 10:37

yes, he shouted again because i brought things up again last night. I know i shoudld have accapted his apology yesterday morning and i wish more than anything that i had. I'm finding it very hard to accept that he could shout at me and be so nasty a few days after my operationa nd when he knows i'm already feeling so unhappy with how it's turned out. It seems that every time i'm vulnerable he shouts at me. eg - whithin a week a giving birth when i was still in agony he was ranting at me, when i had treatment for a hurt wrist and wasn't supposed ot lift anything, he thought i was being difficult and said he wouldn't help me until i was nice and went out and left me to look after ds (who i had to lift while he was out). Proabaly as a result of that, i had to have the treatment repeated. When i had a tooth out, he shouted at me for being difficult a few minutes after leaving the dentist and made me feel guilt for him spending the morning at the dentists with me. Whe i suffered from depression, he showed no understanding at all

OP posts:

beanieb · 16/09/2008 10:41

I think from what you have posted before that this all has very little to do with the recent operation but more to do with how you feel about him generally.

Do you still love him?

Would you consider moving and separating?

It just seems to me that you are both making eachother unhappy and it might be better if you were to take some time out to think about what you want, away from eachother.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/09/2008 10:44

It is all me me me me me with you have you stopped to consider things from his point of you let me put this into persepctive, my relationship is a partnership, DH was helpful when I had my boob job but by no means was I dependent on him, I was back doing breakfasts for our B&B guests 8 days after a c section this year and again that is what I did because I could do that but he did all the hard parts, if you sit and wallow, you are going to get depressed again and you are going to take longer to heal.

Original poster

mymittens · 16/09/2008 10:45

i had this foolish thought in my head that the time after the op when he said he's look after me would make us closer again. I'd hoped it wouldn't be like the other times when i've been vulnerable and i went to see my old counsellor a few days before to discuss it with her. I've had doubts about my feelings for dh for some time which he knows about, but him behaving like that towards me when i'm supposed to be recovering from a fairly big operation, i think has destroyed things for good

OP posts:

beanieb · 16/09/2008 10:48

Then make plans to leave and tell him that is what you plan to do. Clearly you don't love him anymore and maybe knowing him as you do it was foolish to expect him to remain caring and thoughtful after the operation when things are so bad between you.

mayorquimby · 16/09/2008 10:49

"yes, he shouted again because i brought things up again last night. I know i shoudld have accapted his apology yesterday morning and i wish more than anything that i had. I'm finding it very hard to accept that he could shout at me and be so nasty a few days after my operationa nd when he knows i'm already feeling so unhappy with how it's turned out. It seems that every time i'm vulnerable he shouts at me."

why in the name of god would you bring it back up then? you don't wish you'd accepted his apology though do you?because if you did, you couldn't paint him as the nasty ogre who doesn't care about you and yourself as the poor put upon victim who everyone should feel sorry for.

i don't know why your finding it hard to accept his shouting, and as far as i can tell he's not doing it because you are vulnerable.he's doing it because you are intentionally antagonising and trying to provoke a reaction.then when you get the reaction you want, you get the chance to break down in hysterics and tell him how mean he is.
everyone on here can tell pretty much exactly what will happen next. he'll come up and apologise. you'll reject it and say "your mean, i've had an operation." he'll come up later on with a sandwhich or something apologise again and try to explain himself. you'll respond " how could you.i've had an operation" he'll try one more apology then you'll tell him to leave you alone, so he'll take your kid out to the park or something and you'll come on here wailing "He's abandoned me and i've had an operation."

then 4 hours later you'll accept his apology when he gets home and then just when everythings calmed down you'll say something along the lines of "i understand you got angry but i can't believe you shouted at me after my operation and promising you wouldn't.how can i ever trust you again" and bang you're right back where you started

sayithowitis · 16/09/2008 10:51

I personally think your DH must be a saint! You do nothing but complain about him, Whatever he does is never good enough for you. You constantly bring up past issues instead of accepting his apologies and moving on. Regardless of your operation, you appear to want everything in his life to revolve totally around you and your wishes. He looks after your Dc and you complain. He apologises and you complain.You appear to blame him for every problem, real or imagined, in your life. TBH, if I were married to you I would have left you ages ago. If you are depressed, I am sorry for you, but you have no idea what it is like to live with a depressed person. There are times when you do get angry with them because their depression rules your life as well. Depression does not just affect the person who is ill with it, it also affects the rest of the family who live with it. However much you love thwe person, you do get angry with them out of sheer frustration. Trust me, we, as a family, have been there and in fact are only now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you are depressed, you still have to take responsibility for yourself and not expect your DH to take it for you. Show some respect for yourself AND him. If you don't, I would not be surprised to read your next thread is about your husband walking out because he has finally had enopugh of your constant carping and selfishness!

unavailable · 16/09/2008 10:53

I am feeling increasingly uneasy about this thread. Although the OP is getting good advice, which she is consistently ignoring, I think by just responding at all we are all feeding her self pity and in some way encouraging her to perpetuate the situation. Perhaps ignoring as you would with a sulky toddler may be the best option. If she gets no responses she may get bored and go and do something more positive.

beanieb · 16/09/2008 10:56

Unavailable... I responded several times on all the other threads the OP started, until I started to feel a bit mean for reapeating the same thing over and over again. So I stopped. Now I see other people doing it and all their advice being ignored too. As far as I can see there will always be someone willing to give advice, but you're right it never seems to be taken and so perhaps I should step away again!

Original poster

mymittens · 16/09/2008 10:58

FGMD - i've been doing things to help round the house that i can do but he told me yesterday that he found that annoying too as it implied to him that i thought he couldn't deal with things himself. I was trying do do the things i could because i wanted to at least amke a small contribution

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 16/09/2008 11:25

Pity you couldn't have stayed in hospital for a week or so...give you both a break.

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