Had braest reduction last week - dh and i bickering :(

[mymittens]

I had my breast reduction last week and it hasn't gone as i'd hoped. I have a haematoma under one arm and more worryingly one boob is alot bigger than the other. I feel completely miserable and disappointed about the whole thing and have been in tears every day since the op. dh has been off work to look after ds and knows how sad i've been. this morning i went back to bed after he'd told me i needed to be quick getting washed (he was supposed to be helping) but i can't do anything quickly atm. I got really upset and went back to bed. I tried to get me to get up but i refused. he got annoyed with me and when siad he wanted to talk about things. I said i would when i was ready but atm i want to be left alone. he said he wouldn't want to talk about hings later and has now taken ds out. it's one thing after another. i wish i hadn't had the operation

[Lizzylou]

Blu, that was an excellent post.
I think that however it is has been phrased, rightly or wrongly, everyone has been trying to help and be there for MM.
Hope you can get through this MM

[mymittens]

Thanks everyone. I wonder if maybe he has been horrible to me so many time when i'm vulnerable is because i want more when he's nice to me. Then i retreat (eg go to bed) and wait for him to get me out. But when he does, i won't. Example of what happened just now. Dh persauded me to have lunch after i'd said twice i didn't want anything (i did really so don't know why i said no). He made me luch and then said he was going to take ds out later to buy some toys. I was then upset i had nothing to read so told him i had nothing to do/read. He asked if i wanted him to get me some magazines, so i said no - but i did really want them. Eventually i told him i did really want some and he's now gone to buy some. What is wrong with me? Regarding counselling i and possibly we will be going again in a few weeks time when our old counsellor gets back from holiday

[beanieb]

Well I disagree that mumsnetters can't voice an opinion and base that opinion or advice on what a poster has posted previously. I think that mumsnetters who are regular mumsnetters will naturally get frustrated with someone who so often fails to join in a dialogue about advice they have asked for. I see we are heading soen the domestic abuse route again, and so I guess once again I will bow out as no doubt I will be picked apart for suggesting that not every rouble between a couple is an indication that ther is a risk of domestic violence.

I would hate it if MyMittens was in a place where domestic abuse was a posibility, but nothing about any of her previous posts and threads suggests that she is.

I think what the OP wants is someone to tell her she is in a domestic abuse situation even though clearly she is not. What myMittens needs to do is detailed in the very good post from Blu. I have no doubts that she will ignore this advice completely.

[mymittens]

yes blu, he's fine with the practical things but he doesn't deal with emotion well at all. not just in relation to me being ill.

[traceybath]

You sound very much like someone i know who always likes to be 'looked after' in her relationship and equally her DH likes to be the 'carer'.

Why did you say you didn't want lunch/magazines - can you think why you did that? It does seem a little odd and i really think you should be discussing this more with your counsellor.

[mymittens]

i don't think i'm in a domestic abuse situation. Yes, he shouts sometime but when very provoked. My perception of emotional abuse is one one person is shouted at/bullied for no reason

[mymittens]

tracey - i think i said it because i wanted him to ask me again if i wanted them - that's ridiculous isn't it

[lulumama]

do you shout back?

saying no to something you want, then feeling neglected gives you a reason to punish him

which provokes the shouting

which provokes you pushing him

which provokes the apolgy/sulk/apology cycle

until the next time

it is a vicious cycle you need outside help to break.

[mymittens]

lulu - that's exactly what happens.

[lulumama]

and it is not healthy

it is not just his fault

it is not just your fault

so, you need a third party to help you break it, or you will end up splitting

it is really negative and destructive and not good for your DS to see

[mymittens]

I will defianately call the counsellor when she;s back in a couple of weeks. I wonder if i should go alone or if we should both go?

[mymittens]

I will defianately call the counsellor when she;s back in a couple of weeks. I wonder if i should go alone or if we should both go?

[mymittens]

And the strange thing is, I can almost predict when things will get bad between us. I have a thought a ,eg everything's going well or he's been nice...and then shortly after (hours or the next day) a argument happens

[lulumama]

it is a good idea for you to sort things individually and then look at couples' counselling... in the meantime, if you recognise when you are about to sabotage things, or a row is brewing, step back and make a concious decision not to provoke or rise to it.

[mymittens]

It's like there's this other voice making thing go wrong. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but it happens so often. I happen on sunday night (i thought before i went o bed that dh was dealing with thing quite well) and then on monday morning, it went wrong

[BlingLovin]

Okay, MM, I think this is great that you're at least thinking about your part. That's excellent. Well done.

You sound a little passive aggressive? Or is it co-dependent? Someone with better psychology knowledge than me can maybe advise. The one thing I do know is that if you're in these patterns, acknowledging them is the first step to fixing them.

I know that my mother displays some of the tendencies you are talking about, "no no, i don't want lunch," while really meaning, "I do want lunch now prove you love me by demonstrating how well you know me and making it anyway" and it's not a winner. You have to figure this stuff out. It's a good decision to talk to your counsellor.

[Blu]

MM - I think that your very honest and open post of 14.27 is the kind of thinking that might light the way forward for you!

I SO identify with that sulky grumpy 'no!' when someone you are upset with offers you something - it IS tempting..BUT it doesn't do anything to change the other person's behaviour - beause it actually puts them 'in the right' - they offer (brownie point to them!), you refuse - own goal to you! Then you still fee grumped because you didn't get the lunch / magazine so you start having a go again...and it' still you in the wrong, and not adressing the root cause.

SO good for your DH for somehow managing to get you to have some lunch, and getting a magazine. He DID deal well with that - he was taking your ds out and were you happy? no-oo because you had nothing to read...he has offered to solve that and got you to agree. If you ACCEPT these offers of his, you may actually help hi to feel more confident about helping and suporting you. It is encourging to have someone say 'oh, yes please' o'thank you - that would be brilliant!' It encourages you to do more of that.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face - he is obviously a bit clumsy (or worse) about the emotional things in life...but you MUST eat lunch. Be appreciative of the magazines, and ask if he and dss had a nice outing....he will (we hope!!)nreciprocate.

MM - if you keep up that kind of thinking, and check yourself when you find yourself saying 'no' when you really want 'yes', you will feel much happier.

Bet you!

[mabanana]

That's not your extra-sensory perception mittens! That's because you think, 'its not going to go well' so you get yourself all worked up and upset and passive-aggressive and sulky!

[Saturn74]

"And the strange thing is, I can almost predict when things will get bad between us. I have a thought a ,eg everything's going well or he's been nice...and then shortly after (hours or the next day) a argument happens"

That's because you adjust your behaviour according to how you perceive things to be, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You seem to be waiting for your DH to slip up in some way. He must be treading on eggshells.

Do you have anyone you can rely on outside of your marriage? Family or friends?

Do you have any outside interests?

If your life is very insular, it can lead to being rather self-absorbed, I think.

Also the fact that you have just had a major operation is a factor, but it does sound like your DH is being caring and helpful.

[2beornot2be]

From what I am reading on here I am not surprised he is shouting at you your acting like a child. No wonder he can't deal with your emotions you can't deal with them yourself how can you expect someone else too. Yes I feel bad for you you have just had an OP but it seems your playing games and testing your DH maybe you should cut the crap and explain to him look I am in pain I am a miserable bitch please take me with a pinch of salt its not you its me.

You should be grateful for small mercys like your DH looking after you DS etc and trying to help you out Only because you see lots of threads on here where peoples Partners don't bother to help them when they have just had op's or given birth etc and so on.

I don't think your DH is the problem I think you are and maybe should be tested for things such as Bi-polar as you come across as your going from one extreme to the other also did you act like this just from the OP or has this been on going???

[mymittens]

Just found a fantastic wedding reading:

Let your love be stronger than your hate and anger,
Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break,
Believe the best rather than the worst, people have way of living up or down to your opinion of them,
The person you chose to marry is deservign of the courtesies and kindness you bestow on your friends,
Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship

Fell like froming that and putting it on the wall for us to look at when in doubt

[mymittens]

2be - this has been going on for ages, not just post op

humphrey - i have lots of things i do away from ds - gym, swimming, going out with friends .

it's actually him who has no outside interests. No friends or hobbbies. Just work and home

[2beornot2be]

Mymittens have you spoke to your GP about possibly being depressed I have Bi-polar and its very extreme google it on nhs and see if it describes you

[mymittens]

2be - have just looked and no it doesn't describe me. I have suffered from extreme anxiety in the past

[2beornot2be]

Well I would go to your GP and explain how your feeling how old is your DS?

I really would avoid making arguements with your DH as your end up pushing him away unless thats what you want.

Just explain your rather emotional and feeling miserable and in Pain and thats why your acting like this